In which I wish I had a job. and really just talk about my current job

I just really want a job.

I know, I know, I have a job.

I have a great job.  I have a great job that little me would be proud of big me to be having.

But ever since my dad left for Kyrgyzstan, I haven't had a job.  I've been separated from my little self, stopped growing, stopped believing in myself or anything else.  And I know what's happening because it happened in 2005, when he left for the Middle East the first time.

It was harder then, I had more expectations for myself, I was in college, going to church full time.

Now I'm just waiting and watching and hoping in fear that I won't (in the words of the late, great Shirley Temple) crack up.  Kill myself.  I still have my plan, kind of an exit strategy, you wouldn't understand unless you had mental illness, why someone would have a plan.  It's just there in the back of your head, if the hell gets too bad, you can action it out and get help for the bad stuff.  It's really just a silent scream that you hope the spirits see and when they do, they will stop harassing you.  "Look!  She's killing herself...that's how bad you made her feel!"  Something like that.

So I want a job, but I don't have any sense of authority.  Absolutely none.  I couldn't put myself under anyone if I tried.  Completely impossible.  I guess people think that if you don't believe in God, and if you've had your dad manage your spiritual life from a child and then he leaves and starts to act out Satan in your life, not through his fault, just cause we America and we don't let in ex-pats, thus everything I get from him is slant, then you can't really be under anyone's authority.

I'm so so so so so so so so so afraid I'll lose my job.  One day wake up and not be able to get out of bed because the hate is so physically strong that my weak body can't resist it.  Has that ever happened to you?  I once tried to go into my job but the hate feeling was so strong that I had to call my boss and quit because I couldn't shake that feeling.  When my dad was here, that fear was gone. I always had someone to count on to help me with that hate.  Now he's gone.  He was very good at making the hate turn into love and I think the hate turns in to love through hurt and pain.  I just don't know if I can do the same.  It's like Megan Making Megan Making Mgan Making Megan.  Kinda makes me nauseous.
I was afraid I'd lose my job before this.  But somehow things went on and I didn't die and I'm still at my job.  Now I'm even more afraid I'll lose my job.

Will I go back on disability?  I'm not super depressed I just have really really really bad luck.  The church probably hates me and you know how that goes.  Once a group of really bored determined people gets together to hate you, you pretty much are doomed.

Every time I go to my room and lie down on the bed, the hate rises up. I even got a new mattress.  No help.

I can't control my time or my feelings.  I keep doing things like this....Thinking that my typing here, or enjoyment of a show there is more important than my job tomorrow.  I don't think this consciously, I'm just in the moment and I just keep sucking the feelings, feelings which may come out of the communal pool.  I hate it.  I can't predict the future.  There are no men in my life.

No dad, not really a brother, no friends, no relatives, no males where I work.  I feel so alienated from great universal maleness.

So I want a job. A job where I can come under authority.  or a job where I don't have to come under authority?  Is there one of those things yet?  Please comment below.