I keep running into the problem of what to do with my free time. I've been reading through my old textbooks that I got before I dropped out of school, because the debt I'm paying to my mom is the debt that was incurred that semester. I feel like I'm getting closure somehow.
I've still got that "5 years to a diabetes cure" that I've promised and have been slacking on. I feel like there are no real leads and that I'm extremely ineffective as an individual on the whole thing.
Job searching, of course, but I'm really discouraged, today, about it. Especially, I feel like Subway's not done with me and I have no confidence, at least not today. I feel like if I pray about it, God will turn me into mush. This has happened before so I know it's true. I pray for something and only when I "leave" God, does anything happen. Maybe it's just an experience of not keeping the Manna til the next day.
I keep going to Habitica, a really neat goal keeping app, for what I should do next and I keep thinking that it's a wrong thing to do. I shouldn't trust a impersonal app to tell me what I should do next? Maybe I should be depending on God? I feel like the voices are trying to tell me something, but I don't know what.
What should I do with my free time? I facebook and watch TV with my mom and watch YouTube videos. I feel like I have a lack of control in my life, which is very nerve wracking. Before this year I felt like I had a lot of control but with my dad coming back in the states and wanting to be the head of the family again, and getting a job with a boss and coworkers and customers to trust, and the boyfriend, I lost that control that I had. It's very frustrating and confusing. People feel more comfortable with me though, which is the one positive.
I feel afflicted with an overwhelming sense of boredom. Maybe I'm comparing myself to Jason, who seems to take boredom head on. I used to, but have lost the will to fight it with all my might. I feel like my previous will to get rest from my insanity has stretched farther into my future than my insanity itself, leaving me long-term wanting rest while short-term wanting excitement. I have to fight against myself in a "past life."
I'm frustrated with all the health care information that HealthSpring keeps sending me. Do I need a pap smear, a colostomy, breast exam? Am I depressed? I want to take it seriously, but I'm afraid of asking the doctors about the tests. I'm embarrassed that I'm taking this seriously. I want to write down all my questions but am only scheduled for a blood test next time, so I don't know if I'll even see the doctor. If they really want us to have this shouldn't they be contacting the doctors and writing regulations so that we all get the healthcare that we all need? Why do some people get more tests than others?
Why do I have so many unanswered questions lately? I feel like I'm really stupid asking the stupid questions in the front and they have stupid answers so I ignore the answers, and I feel them going long term, and I feel like an idiot for having long term minor questions. For example, the super important question, "What day is it?" Just figure it out. Don't memorize it long term. But in my head, I feel like the answer is super important because me asking that stupid question and making it important makes me, well, me. In kindergarten I did the same thing. Doesn't make it any less stupid now.
And I've been ignoring the really important questions because I feel like I can only use them once and then they'll be absorbed into the amorphous spirit blob which is my dad, never to be seen again, unless he plans something for me, but he's probably paying attention to someone/something else so probably not.
I feel like I've been really "spacey" lately...? or perhaps just not grounded? And that is frustrating for a practical person for me.
I need to get a haircut and I keep forgetting to go. I want to go tomorrow at 11 before work, but I may forget. I have a dentist appointment next Monday that I need to ask off for if I don't forget.
One thing has remained the same...the inability to wake up in the morning and even to wake up and not get back into bed, and the shame which goes along with that. I keep telling Jason about how I wake up late and I'm starting to get worried that I won't be able to get up to go to work, that I'll just sleep off my alarm. It's embarrassing, inconvenient and unproductive. At least some things never change. I know two reasons I get up and go back to bed, (1. Weird feeling. I just feel like on my skin everything is weird and so I go to bed until that weird (often fearful) feeling is gone. (2. Nothing to do. Which is absolutely not true. I have a ton of things to do. But I get up and I'm not going anywhere and my brain says go back to bed, so I half asleep go back to bed.
I kind a wish I had a circadian rhythm.
Really life's ok, I probably shouldn't complain.
i feel like invested a lot of me into this generation to get me out of a slump and I'm out, but that stuff I invested is "sooooo last season." It hurts when your soul is sold, especially to people who couldn't care less.
I keep trying to do and be people I was last year and it's definitely not working. I've changed so much since then. I have to be old. I don't like it. I can't listen in on the energies I used to be able to listen to for hours. my arms are different. I'm not with the same people. I can't use my spirit in the same way. God is different. I smell different. I smell weird, and my hair smells like old person. My dad keeps changing things back to the way things were, and I feel like protesting, "I died so those things would die." It's like a giant retarded cat.
Life is like a giant retarded cat.
I don't want to rely on dark energy, even though I know this pervades our planet, but light energy is so exhausting to use. I wish I knew more about these different types of energy and how we get them. There's them in the physical sense, but I think energy crosses the line of spiritual and physical.
Also acne is coming back after being gone for years. My face is greasy, but my hair is dry. I hate it. Also, I have a hairy chin. I hate it. I once paid $1000 dollars to get it lasered off, but to no avail. It just grew back. They emphasized that it only worked on dark hair. My hair was dark. I wondered if I should have sued for false advertising, but I never did.
I probably shouldn't have written all this, but I need to talk to someone. My mom's pretty good for it sometimes, and Jason's ok, but nothing beats stream-of-consciousness complaining. I really enjoyed spending time with Marie, too, last night. We talked about various things. I worry about her though, she gives everything when she works for the Lord, leaving nothing back as a reserve.
I keep getting the urge to organize and I have to resist it. There IS NOTHING to OgGaNizE! Everything is fine! It will all get done! Calm down! Remain Calm!!!!! It's like an background obsessive-compulsive need to organize, without intent or purpose.
So action plan:
Keep up with appointments, Doctor, Optometrist, Dentist, Psychiatrist, and Hair. Get off morning lithium with faith.
Keep working at Subway and paying off debt to Mom, while working through textbooks to get closure from that semester.
Keep loving Jason and spending time with him. At the three month mark, go to a meeting together and change single status on Facebook.
Look for full time job in my spare time, which switches over having two part time jobs in the fall if nothing is found. Keep networking and making friends, because that's how you get a job.
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