Ok, I've been furious and angry lately and I realized It's because I was ignoring a problem. And the problem was me.
I keep getting stuck. Kind of like Disney sidekicks, if there's a problem it had to be resolved my way, or you would definitely hear some sort of inward rant coming up in me.
Kind of a dumb revelation. I knew there was a problem. But the problem was me. Not this website. Not my body or it's slowness or my mind. But my reaction to these problems.
There is a certain place for people who can't handle problems. The Mental Hospital. I should know, I've been there. Letting stuff build up that you can't control is like being careless with matches. Or playing stuff jenga. What a mess.
Don't ignore your body's signals. When you are stressed, take a break, sort it out. Don't be a mess.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Monday, December 21, 2015
Hannah M.
So the agony is gone. I'm less stressed about the future. I talked to my DARS Career Counselor and she says things are good, that I can put my account on hold until a little before graduation.
I can just wait til the holidays are over to get to work.
One small problem. Can I get through the holidays. A whole lot of nothing stretches out before me. We don't celebrate, so Christmas is meaningless. And New Years we might have some champagne.
So that's this week and 4 more weeks. Of nothing. I should be reveling in this. REVELING. But I'm not. I don't want work, I want fun, play. I want to make fun of work. Wait, that's me all the time.
What is between equilibrium and chaos? An even better mingling of chaos/equilibrium that remains to be found!? Stay in the flow my friend, stay in the flow, like a river rock.
Ok, this is really what I want to work on. I don't really know what I'm talking about but it's so much fun and is really cool and relevant to people's situations.
What I should be working on is other people and my communication and connection. Facebook. I will take advantage of that site.
What I shouldn't be working on. Probably snuggling my dog too much when she's not feeling it. I end up smelling her puppy shampoo which is quite delicious, but she gets annoyed and ticked off, which rubs off on me and then I'm irritated.
Ok, there's three things I'm thinking about doing....
1. Messaging all my facebook friends all with a personal message. LOL NOT. I do not have the patience nor the stamina to say hello to all my 649 "friends." What I will do is send out a general holiday greeting.
2. Calling all my phone contacts to wish them a happy holidays. This is more realistic, but I think I can only do one or two a day.
3. Volunteering at the animal shelter. They have openings, even on the 25th, so they must need help.
Oh, and Hannah M. got engaged. Solid.
I can just wait til the holidays are over to get to work.
One small problem. Can I get through the holidays. A whole lot of nothing stretches out before me. We don't celebrate, so Christmas is meaningless. And New Years we might have some champagne.
So that's this week and 4 more weeks. Of nothing. I should be reveling in this. REVELING. But I'm not. I don't want work, I want fun, play. I want to make fun of work. Wait, that's me all the time.
What is between equilibrium and chaos? An even better mingling of chaos/equilibrium that remains to be found!? Stay in the flow my friend, stay in the flow, like a river rock.
Ok, this is really what I want to work on. I don't really know what I'm talking about but it's so much fun and is really cool and relevant to people's situations.
What I should be working on is other people and my communication and connection. Facebook. I will take advantage of that site.
What I shouldn't be working on. Probably snuggling my dog too much when she's not feeling it. I end up smelling her puppy shampoo which is quite delicious, but she gets annoyed and ticked off, which rubs off on me and then I'm irritated.
Ok, there's three things I'm thinking about doing....
1. Messaging all my facebook friends all with a personal message. LOL NOT. I do not have the patience nor the stamina to say hello to all my 649 "friends." What I will do is send out a general holiday greeting.
2. Calling all my phone contacts to wish them a happy holidays. This is more realistic, but I think I can only do one or two a day.
3. Volunteering at the animal shelter. They have openings, even on the 25th, so they must need help.
Oh, and Hannah M. got engaged. Solid.
Friday, December 11, 2015
In Which When I Didn't Take Meds Affects Me Significantly
So I did it. I decided to change to an English major and take two more years of this nonsense. I'm at the same time ashamed and elated. This is a miracle, that I know I can't afford. I don't know what I'm doing and this is the worst way to make a decision, just on a whim. I can't find any serious helpful mentor like people to put my trust into and faith that I'm making the right decision. In fact, I know I'm making a bad decision and am thinking of reversing it. That just makes sense, am I right? What in the world am I thinking? I have several good reasons for doing it, but in my life, for Me, it doesn't make sense. I haven't told my mom yet. I don't know how she'll feel. How am I going to afford it? Will there be financial aid? What if I get into it and it's really hard, like the woman's literature class I took?
Thursday, December 10, 2015
In Which I Didn't Take Meds.
So I didn't take my medication. The one with the dopamine receptor blocker? I'm already tripping balls on dopamine. Yay, hormones.
I don't like what they do to us. Experimenting with the human body to see if something works. I don't like it and I refuse to take it anymore. So I'm not taking Zyprexa or olanzapine as they call it now.
Not openly, of course, I will ask my psychologist when I go to the appointment, but this an experiment of my own to see how well someone would handle it.
I shouldn't be doing this before my one final....I don't know what will happen. But I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to shut it down and take the pill.
I needed to tell someone, so dear readers, I'm telling you. Don't tell anyone! I promise I'll be safe. People do trippy balls drugs all the time, so getting off a anti-psychotic shouldn't be that hard. I hope the monsters stay away tonight because I don't know if I'm sleeping.
I don't like what they do to us. Experimenting with the human body to see if something works. I don't like it and I refuse to take it anymore. So I'm not taking Zyprexa or olanzapine as they call it now.
Not openly, of course, I will ask my psychologist when I go to the appointment, but this an experiment of my own to see how well someone would handle it.
I shouldn't be doing this before my one final....I don't know what will happen. But I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to shut it down and take the pill.
I needed to tell someone, so dear readers, I'm telling you. Don't tell anyone! I promise I'll be safe. People do trippy balls drugs all the time, so getting off a anti-psychotic shouldn't be that hard. I hope the monsters stay away tonight because I don't know if I'm sleeping.
Goal #2, Day 2 of Deliberations
I feel like my deliberations aren't really interesting. They are already decided in the minds of those who matter. And I somehow missed seeing what they were. The future will pass us by...
I want to stop. Stop going to school, but I've been having inner struggles, and the usual shameless "go to school" plugs. How would my life change? Should I wait until my kids are out of school, like my mom did? Would it be too big a change in life later from undegreed to degreed? Stupid stupid problems.
What about the world today? What about isolated people who like to shoot people? In my opinion we don't need guns. Only the law enforcement and black market should have them. People don't need guns. America is not going anywhere, people. There is no communist state. These people don't vote at school board elections. They don't vote for city elections, they don't exercise their civil rights. They are separated from society. We need more mental health checks. I know I'd never want a gun, that I'd be to irresponsible with it. My background doesn't show very much control over myself. I know i'm irresponsible, so really lonely, mentally deranged people? Yes, if to get a job you have to go through a mental health assessment, you should at least go through one to get a gun, that can kill people.
I want to stop. Stop going to school, but I've been having inner struggles, and the usual shameless "go to school" plugs. How would my life change? Should I wait until my kids are out of school, like my mom did? Would it be too big a change in life later from undegreed to degreed? Stupid stupid problems.
What about the world today? What about isolated people who like to shoot people? In my opinion we don't need guns. Only the law enforcement and black market should have them. People don't need guns. America is not going anywhere, people. There is no communist state. These people don't vote at school board elections. They don't vote for city elections, they don't exercise their civil rights. They are separated from society. We need more mental health checks. I know I'd never want a gun, that I'd be to irresponsible with it. My background doesn't show very much control over myself. I know i'm irresponsible, so really lonely, mentally deranged people? Yes, if to get a job you have to go through a mental health assessment, you should at least go through one to get a gun, that can kill people.
Goal #2, Part 4
When I made goal #2, I was feeling betrayed by UTA for making classes so difficult that I couldn't pass them. I felt like the professor was singling me out for failure, because I am a nontraditional student and I didn't trust her at all. I felt like she didn't want me there, and that totally threw off my game. I forgive her and all, but it was the worst feeling for my first class.
I accidentally used the wrong poem on my first essay, but I thought that my second essay was pretty good, but I got the same grade as my first essay. Before these essays I missed class for a week to go to the mental hospital. It was frustrating, to say the least. She counted off for the missed work and absences, which I totally understand.
I got a bad start, but in my other classes there was no problems, and I made ok grades.
So I was getting over educational heartbreak and a lot of other emotions as I wrote these goals. But I still feel like I should keep them. It's like I've been looking at the options so long that neither one make sense. Should I do this or that? Maybe it's because I've been looking at finishing or not finishing as DUMB goals or even GROW goals, but not SMART goals.
Who? Me and students and professors and the rest of our lives...
What? Finishing my degree.
When? Next semester, and in the summer, morning classes
Where? at UTA
How?through fin aid, by a car hopefully, through registering
I just don't want to go crazy. I feel it coming on, insanity, in the back of my mind.
I keep thinking what I will do after graduation will be different, but almost the same as what I do if I stop now. I keep thinking about my energy and how that all will affect me, the school, my future.
I'm worried that I will change, as a person. Become more grumpy, or mean or nicer or what.
Wondering what my secretary degree is worth.
I accidentally used the wrong poem on my first essay, but I thought that my second essay was pretty good, but I got the same grade as my first essay. Before these essays I missed class for a week to go to the mental hospital. It was frustrating, to say the least. She counted off for the missed work and absences, which I totally understand.
I got a bad start, but in my other classes there was no problems, and I made ok grades.
So I was getting over educational heartbreak and a lot of other emotions as I wrote these goals. But I still feel like I should keep them. It's like I've been looking at the options so long that neither one make sense. Should I do this or that? Maybe it's because I've been looking at finishing or not finishing as DUMB goals or even GROW goals, but not SMART goals.
Who? Me and students and professors and the rest of our lives...
What? Finishing my degree.
When? Next semester, and in the summer, morning classes
Where? at UTA
How?through fin aid, by a car hopefully, through registering
I just don't want to go crazy. I feel it coming on, insanity, in the back of my mind.
I keep thinking what I will do after graduation will be different, but almost the same as what I do if I stop now. I keep thinking about my energy and how that all will affect me, the school, my future.
I'm worried that I will change, as a person. Become more grumpy, or mean or nicer or what.
Wondering what my secretary degree is worth.
Wednesday, December 09, 2015
When Birds Die
Our deformed dove, Flappy died today.
He was such a trooper. He would scrabble around, flapping his wings trying to get from one place to the next. One leg was straight out in back of him and the other was curled under him. He had that since birth and we only noticed it when he was big enough to come out of the nest. He at first seemed able to get around and he flapped up to the water and food dish, but we knew we would have to have a separate cage for him because the mom and dad got anxious, when there were too many birds around.
It was really, really sad. I think he lived his whole life in fear. For about a month before his death, I would take him out at night and just kind of hang with him, wrapped in a towel. It was like Tuesday's with Morrie. He was this brave bird, this little flapping thing with no use except to be loved. I felt that I got the most out of the relationship, though... he showed me courage to be disabled in a changing world. To live life even though everything about you is completely wrong and you don't have a chance.
Good job in life, Flappy.
He was such a trooper. He would scrabble around, flapping his wings trying to get from one place to the next. One leg was straight out in back of him and the other was curled under him. He had that since birth and we only noticed it when he was big enough to come out of the nest. He at first seemed able to get around and he flapped up to the water and food dish, but we knew we would have to have a separate cage for him because the mom and dad got anxious, when there were too many birds around.
It was really, really sad. I think he lived his whole life in fear. For about a month before his death, I would take him out at night and just kind of hang with him, wrapped in a towel. It was like Tuesday's with Morrie. He was this brave bird, this little flapping thing with no use except to be loved. I felt that I got the most out of the relationship, though... he showed me courage to be disabled in a changing world. To live life even though everything about you is completely wrong and you don't have a chance.
Good job in life, Flappy.
Tuesday, December 08, 2015
Goal #2, Part 3 and Goal #2 1/2
I have been in all my classes and I feel the best thing for me to do is to finish at UTA, my University Studies Degree. I'm not going to look to the left or the right. I'll be taking 2 English classes so that will satisfy that desire for English that I have. I may be taking 5 classes, I may be taking 4. I think I will take four and depending on whether I pass or not one or two classes in the summer.
If that's even possible with financial aid.
Then there's all this conflict to finishing with which I have to deal. There's the question, Does this have a point? Am I doing this for the greater good? Will I even be able to handle the course load and all the pressures of class with everything else I and other people put on me? Will this gift be acceptable to God, of all things to come last. Will I die...miserable and alone? An English or Communcations degree may be harder and longer, but I think University Studies degree is very difficult on it's own, spanning several disciplines. Will I be able to stand seeing the same places and faces for a semester and a month?
Is there a point to my secretary degree? Did I learn anything useful? Yes and no. I learned a lot about my family and my life, some about other people, a lot about God. Did I learn anything that could be turned into anything my tiny brain can think of as a job? Probably not. Except a secretary.
Secretary Childcare jobs. UTA Career Center, we need to have a talk. A semester long talk.
I know I know, I made this goal and now I'm going back on my word.
First things. This is not my word. It is just my goal. If I decide to change it is my prerogative.
Secondly, right now I'm shooting for 87.5, if I take 8 goals into consideration (don't forget the 2 1/2!) Times change and people change with it.
Thirdly, I can look for that special someone while I go to school. Can I? I might lose all desire to find him. Which is scary, but not as scary as the thought that I might be replacing him by getting a degree. Hard choices. He's not like someone with which I've cuddled. You know, I could find for who I'm really looking. Is this like breaking up with someone over the internet? Someone with which you've never held a conversation? It's poignant that you're looking for someone, but if that someone.
Ok, I've decided. I'll do both. Lol this is exactly how my crazy mind works. I'll just do both. And go insane. or one will win or something, I feel too bad about either to choose.
So search...actively or passively? passive aggressively? I think we've moved beyond those things. Assertively.
If that's even possible with financial aid.
Then there's all this conflict to finishing with which I have to deal. There's the question, Does this have a point? Am I doing this for the greater good? Will I even be able to handle the course load and all the pressures of class with everything else I and other people put on me? Will this gift be acceptable to God, of all things to come last. Will I die...miserable and alone? An English or Communcations degree may be harder and longer, but I think University Studies degree is very difficult on it's own, spanning several disciplines. Will I be able to stand seeing the same places and faces for a semester and a month?
Is there a point to my secretary degree? Did I learn anything useful? Yes and no. I learned a lot about my family and my life, some about other people, a lot about God. Did I learn anything that could be turned into anything my tiny brain can think of as a job? Probably not. Except a secretary.
Secretary Childcare jobs. UTA Career Center, we need to have a talk. A semester long talk.
I know I know, I made this goal and now I'm going back on my word.
First things. This is not my word. It is just my goal. If I decide to change it is my prerogative.
Secondly, right now I'm shooting for 87.5, if I take 8 goals into consideration (don't forget the 2 1/2!) Times change and people change with it.
Thirdly, I can look for that special someone while I go to school. Can I? I might lose all desire to find him. Which is scary, but not as scary as the thought that I might be replacing him by getting a degree. Hard choices. He's not like someone with which I've cuddled. You know, I could find for who I'm really looking. Is this like breaking up with someone over the internet? Someone with which you've never held a conversation? It's poignant that you're looking for someone, but if that someone.
Ok, I've decided. I'll do both. Lol this is exactly how my crazy mind works. I'll just do both. And go insane. or one will win or something, I feel too bad about either to choose.
So search...actively or passively? passive aggressively? I think we've moved beyond those things. Assertively.
Monday, December 07, 2015
Goal #2, Part 2
I keep longing for the safe warm embrace of a large organization. Is that weird? I feel like my mom and my dad don't even recognize me as a person unless I'm a part of something big. Kind of sucks.
Well, that's what I'm talking about. If I stop going to school, who's going to shelter the dickens out of me and annoy the dickens out of me, you know who you are!
My dog is scrabbling around with her little claws, licking the floor carefully, trying to get the scent of a decent master. She usually does not find me.
And here, I am clicking away at an empty computer screen. People gotta express if you know what I mean. Gotta find the one. The one reader to rule them all.
Anys. I've got this December window, where I can change my mind about school and go back. I felt good about the English classes, like I had room to learn there. Then I prayed about it and felt ok about everything but Trig. I looked up tutoring for Trig and Bio and there is such. Positive outlook.
However, will I learn the things I'm supposed to? Spying and deception? Conversation and the art of seduction? Probably never. I will "mom" my way through life, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't join in on the conversation every once in a while.
I'm going to give it some time. Until the end of the December. If I'm just going crazy by then and can't stand my mom or the house...I'll know. It's for my sanity to get out. Even though that probably could be satisfied by a job...
There's so many factors involved: .
Me, my health: I, myself, went through a whole mental thing the first two weeks of classes, making me miss everything and certainly fail one class and probably fail another, doing wreckage to my gpa and consequently ruining me getting into graduate school. Like I would know what to do with myself. lol. I'm just a lowly writer who has no control over what she writes. At least I have fans!
I have enough money/student loans to get me through 6 classes (or more) of UTA to finish this mutherfluffer. I think that's mainly on my mind, but I get in with the students and they are just delightful! I wish I wasn't such a mom and that I could be a more awesome student. They have remedial writing and reading, I wish they had remedial conversation and public speaking. But They say you only take away what you don't learn in college. So that means I'm taking away a lot.
My support and family is low. I sort of quit going to counseling. It was too easy for me. I'd go there, spew whatever was bugging me and it was a safe environment for me to talk, but I think I have too many problems that can't be fixed by therapy. I almost felt like I couldn't burden him, alone with all the stuff I have to manage. I know I know that's for what they are there.
So I should go work on goal #1, instead of ruminating. I shall forthwith dispense. Adieu.
Well, that's what I'm talking about. If I stop going to school, who's going to shelter the dickens out of me and annoy the dickens out of me, you know who you are!
My dog is scrabbling around with her little claws, licking the floor carefully, trying to get the scent of a decent master. She usually does not find me.
And here, I am clicking away at an empty computer screen. People gotta express if you know what I mean. Gotta find the one. The one reader to rule them all.
Anys. I've got this December window, where I can change my mind about school and go back. I felt good about the English classes, like I had room to learn there. Then I prayed about it and felt ok about everything but Trig. I looked up tutoring for Trig and Bio and there is such. Positive outlook.
However, will I learn the things I'm supposed to? Spying and deception? Conversation and the art of seduction? Probably never. I will "mom" my way through life, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't join in on the conversation every once in a while.
I'm going to give it some time. Until the end of the December. If I'm just going crazy by then and can't stand my mom or the house...I'll know. It's for my sanity to get out. Even though that probably could be satisfied by a job...
There's so many factors involved: .
Me, my health: I, myself, went through a whole mental thing the first two weeks of classes, making me miss everything and certainly fail one class and probably fail another, doing wreckage to my gpa and consequently ruining me getting into graduate school. Like I would know what to do with myself. lol. I'm just a lowly writer who has no control over what she writes. At least I have fans!
I have enough money/student loans to get me through 6 classes (or more) of UTA to finish this mutherfluffer. I think that's mainly on my mind, but I get in with the students and they are just delightful! I wish I wasn't such a mom and that I could be a more awesome student. They have remedial writing and reading, I wish they had remedial conversation and public speaking. But They say you only take away what you don't learn in college. So that means I'm taking away a lot.
My support and family is low. I sort of quit going to counseling. It was too easy for me. I'd go there, spew whatever was bugging me and it was a safe environment for me to talk, but I think I have too many problems that can't be fixed by therapy. I almost felt like I couldn't burden him, alone with all the stuff I have to manage. I know I know that's for what they are there.
So I should go work on goal #1, instead of ruminating. I shall forthwith dispense. Adieu.
Goal #1, Part 5
I get to campus. Get on a compy and panic, panic, panic. I feel like I don't have any material to work with, and I feel like I've been changing so much lately that I don't really deserve another change. I don't know how that works in the real world, but that's how it works in my head.
I feel like a trapped deer, wanting to bound out of my situation, which is weird, because I'm usually very comfortable with large groups of people.
I can write this, but not the rhetorical situation of my document. What gives? Mainly, I think this is personal, and I've been very impersonal this semester, so I'm due, but the impersonal, I've been using.
More panic. I'm drunk. Pan, the god of drink. My arms are tensing up and I feel claustrophobic.
Mainly, I'm looking through things through the lens of my mother. I'm not used to that, usually I ignore her opinions, but today I conceded, because I was sick of hating my professor, and she seemed reasonable. Now I'm all off kilter. Oh, well, finish me off, young students. You won't be getting this later. I'm out.
...and back! I want a soda. I have this five year old in me who wants food and coffee and soda and candy, like 24/7. I just want to club him over the head, sometimes.
DHEAD BABIE SEAL! That reminds me of my dog and how she pretends to be a baby seal resting on an ice flow. She does it when she's sad. My dog is full of such nuances. I love her dearly.
I'm sitting outside on campus on a picnic table. It's nice and cool, and the lighting isn't bad. I am so grumpy feely.
I'm worried about my brother. He takes on too much and I haven't been doing enough for him at all. Maybe that will be an amended goal.
Also PC is driving me insane. I feel it from the back of my being. I really wish he would stop trying to control what he doesn't even care to understand. I feel like all my real usual spiritual advisors have abandoned me, but maybe I have new ones. No fun ones tho. People my age are all about work.
I find myself just complaining to the wind. It flies back and hits me in the face.
I feel like a trapped deer, wanting to bound out of my situation, which is weird, because I'm usually very comfortable with large groups of people.
I can write this, but not the rhetorical situation of my document. What gives? Mainly, I think this is personal, and I've been very impersonal this semester, so I'm due, but the impersonal, I've been using.
More panic. I'm drunk. Pan, the god of drink. My arms are tensing up and I feel claustrophobic.
Mainly, I'm looking through things through the lens of my mother. I'm not used to that, usually I ignore her opinions, but today I conceded, because I was sick of hating my professor, and she seemed reasonable. Now I'm all off kilter. Oh, well, finish me off, young students. You won't be getting this later. I'm out.
...and back! I want a soda. I have this five year old in me who wants food and coffee and soda and candy, like 24/7. I just want to club him over the head, sometimes.
DHEAD BABIE SEAL! That reminds me of my dog and how she pretends to be a baby seal resting on an ice flow. She does it when she's sad. My dog is full of such nuances. I love her dearly.
I'm sitting outside on campus on a picnic table. It's nice and cool, and the lighting isn't bad. I am so grumpy feely.
I'm worried about my brother. He takes on too much and I haven't been doing enough for him at all. Maybe that will be an amended goal.
Also PC is driving me insane. I feel it from the back of my being. I really wish he would stop trying to control what he doesn't even care to understand. I feel like all my real usual spiritual advisors have abandoned me, but maybe I have new ones. No fun ones tho. People my age are all about work.
I find myself just complaining to the wind. It flies back and hits me in the face.
Goal #1, Part 4
So I finished my project #3, most of the presentation ( I might add and change things from it).
I have to start writing differently. Lately, I've been pouring my whole secret soul self into my writing and I can't do that with out some bad after effects. The quality or tone of my writing may change and I hope this doesn't in anyway become a problem for some readers.
I printed out all the labs (it wasn't a book, I swear, although it was thick enough).
The main thing that I want to do for tomorrow is
Print the Flyer at Kinkos
Write the Design Memo
Scan the Original Document
Redo some of the presentation powerpoint (I don't know if I'll actually use these)
Drag myself to Women's Lit Class
Work on Physics Homework
...lol...shows how completely out of it I am. Tomorrow's a Monday, not a Tuesday.
Well I will do all these:
Print the Flyer at the Copy Center
Write the Design Memo
Scan the Original Document
Redo some of the presentation PowerPoint
And if there's time, some Physics Homework.
Whoah, totally just got distracted by seeing if there's such a thing as a blogger club in Arlington, tx. I like blogging, but I need to see a face every once in a while. There isn't tho, at least as far as first page results go.
Then the Advanced Poetry Reading class, that I'd like to turn into a Meetup club, but I'm to chicken to do it. They are so scary and young and intense. I'm like, I can crank out a poem in seconds flat but it doesn't mean anything to me like it does to them.
So there's my class. Afterwards, I will be more than happy to go home and finish my Physics Homework, Get that lab note book started, Mainly, type that essay. Yeesh!
I am getting sick though, congested, and I sound like Darth Vader breathing, every other sniffle.
This goal will probably only be partially completed because I can't figure out if I'm going to do the essay or not. It seems like a lot of work for a failing class.
Strange how the flies turn up when the honey's flowing. Flies make me want to barf.
Anyway, So I've got a plan. It probably won't work out. Does any plan? I mean even God's plan for His people got derailed many times, through no fault of his own. He had to experiment and plan. I think it's really more of guidelines, not strict rules for life, if you know what I mean.
I have to start writing differently. Lately, I've been pouring my whole secret soul self into my writing and I can't do that with out some bad after effects. The quality or tone of my writing may change and I hope this doesn't in anyway become a problem for some readers.
I printed out all the labs (it wasn't a book, I swear, although it was thick enough).
The main thing that I want to do for tomorrow is
Print the Flyer at Kinkos
Write the Design Memo
Scan the Original Document
Redo some of the presentation powerpoint (I don't know if I'll actually use these)
Drag myself to Women's Lit Class
Work on Physics Homework
...lol...shows how completely out of it I am. Tomorrow's a Monday, not a Tuesday.
Well I will do all these:
Print the Flyer at the Copy Center
Write the Design Memo
Scan the Original Document
Redo some of the presentation PowerPoint
And if there's time, some Physics Homework.
Whoah, totally just got distracted by seeing if there's such a thing as a blogger club in Arlington, tx. I like blogging, but I need to see a face every once in a while. There isn't tho, at least as far as first page results go.
Then the Advanced Poetry Reading class, that I'd like to turn into a Meetup club, but I'm to chicken to do it. They are so scary and young and intense. I'm like, I can crank out a poem in seconds flat but it doesn't mean anything to me like it does to them.
So there's my class. Afterwards, I will be more than happy to go home and finish my Physics Homework, Get that lab note book started, Mainly, type that essay. Yeesh!
I am getting sick though, congested, and I sound like Darth Vader breathing, every other sniffle.
This goal will probably only be partially completed because I can't figure out if I'm going to do the essay or not. It seems like a lot of work for a failing class.
Strange how the flies turn up when the honey's flowing. Flies make me want to barf.
Anyway, So I've got a plan. It probably won't work out. Does any plan? I mean even God's plan for His people got derailed many times, through no fault of his own. He had to experiment and plan. I think it's really more of guidelines, not strict rules for life, if you know what I mean.
Sunday, December 06, 2015
Goal #2, Part 1
Goal #2 Don't finish that last semester. Why, because UTA sucks, that's why.
Because It's worthless. I guess I have to find Someone Special First.
Haha! You thought this one would be easy. I can just drop all my classes.
Already, I'm feeling some regret and decrease in my desire just to quit.
Already, I'm thinking about adding classes back or, choosing different classes. Something. To keep in the loop and learn something. I know I learned something this semester, that's why I'm so sad.
Reasons keep popping up. To be able to get better jobs. To be around awesome intelligent people. To get somewhere in life. I have A SEMESTER. A semester left to graduation. Surely I can put up with the awfulness until then?
And I just threw my cup of coffee away...and the rest of the pot. Yay me.
(Side note: SD keeps trying to kill my grandmother. I'm pretty sure he killed two of them already... through his insane system of rules. I want him to stop.)
I want friends I can talk to about this stuff, not a blog. Sorry guys, as much as a love my readers, you aren't any substitution for face to face contact. Besides the fact that you leave nil comments. (shameless comment plug) I know you exist.
It's just as hard to finish as it is not to finish. I'm on this "making them proud" kick and it's hard to tell what makes them the most proud, finishing or not.
Because It's worthless. I guess I have to find Someone Special First.
Haha! You thought this one would be easy. I can just drop all my classes.
Already, I'm feeling some regret and decrease in my desire just to quit.
Already, I'm thinking about adding classes back or, choosing different classes. Something. To keep in the loop and learn something. I know I learned something this semester, that's why I'm so sad.
Reasons keep popping up. To be able to get better jobs. To be around awesome intelligent people. To get somewhere in life. I have A SEMESTER. A semester left to graduation. Surely I can put up with the awfulness until then?
And I just threw my cup of coffee away...and the rest of the pot. Yay me.
(Side note: SD keeps trying to kill my grandmother. I'm pretty sure he killed two of them already... through his insane system of rules. I want him to stop.)
I want friends I can talk to about this stuff, not a blog. Sorry guys, as much as a love my readers, you aren't any substitution for face to face contact. Besides the fact that you leave nil comments. (shameless comment plug) I know you exist.
It's just as hard to finish as it is not to finish. I'm on this "making them proud" kick and it's hard to tell what makes them the most proud, finishing or not.
Everything's the Worst that it Could Be
Yesterday I was supposed to do a lot of things, I didn't. I sort of promised God.
So today, when I woke up in the morning, it was like a miracle. I never wake up in the morning so clearly, so when I decided to go back to bed it was a denouement. I woke up around 4 in the afternoon. You just have to know my previous history of frustration and not being able to get up in the mornings.
I would berate myself all day for not waking up and then the next day sleep late all over again. I think the worst part of it was that it was inexplicable and I couldn't control it. I slept in and missed appointments and worse. I even chose classes so I could sleep in the morning.
Getting real, people.
So today was like a dissapiontment, that I couldn't stay up in the morning, but went back to bed.
And there was homework that I could only do at the school, so as soon as possible I went and "amazing" finished most of my work. There was a baby there, too. I don't know about how I feel about babies, but I'm 31 and my biology is ticking. Kind of made me sad, but a little happy, too.
So on the way home, my mom and I argued, as usual, everything got tight and frustrated and I sort of realized how little people care or love me. Also the two facedness of everyone. I go to the bathroom and punch the wall three times. My mother's voice is like a whining mosquito in my ear and I plug my ears not have to listen to her. How stuck I was in my situation was made clear. 31 year old woman, living at home. Not brave or motivated enough to say hello to a mouse. No previous contacts that could or were willing to help her.
I come home, do the dishes, and start crying and kind of this weird little moaning. I don't know what that all was about, but I was glad when it was over.
I call a sister, but she calls back and has to go after a minute.
And now I'm drinking coffee again. One of my worst bad habits I'm trying to get over. Everything is the worst that it could be.
So today, when I woke up in the morning, it was like a miracle. I never wake up in the morning so clearly, so when I decided to go back to bed it was a denouement. I woke up around 4 in the afternoon. You just have to know my previous history of frustration and not being able to get up in the mornings.
I would berate myself all day for not waking up and then the next day sleep late all over again. I think the worst part of it was that it was inexplicable and I couldn't control it. I slept in and missed appointments and worse. I even chose classes so I could sleep in the morning.
Getting real, people.
So today was like a dissapiontment, that I couldn't stay up in the morning, but went back to bed.
And there was homework that I could only do at the school, so as soon as possible I went and "amazing" finished most of my work. There was a baby there, too. I don't know about how I feel about babies, but I'm 31 and my biology is ticking. Kind of made me sad, but a little happy, too.
So on the way home, my mom and I argued, as usual, everything got tight and frustrated and I sort of realized how little people care or love me. Also the two facedness of everyone. I go to the bathroom and punch the wall three times. My mother's voice is like a whining mosquito in my ear and I plug my ears not have to listen to her. How stuck I was in my situation was made clear. 31 year old woman, living at home. Not brave or motivated enough to say hello to a mouse. No previous contacts that could or were willing to help her.
I come home, do the dishes, and start crying and kind of this weird little moaning. I don't know what that all was about, but I was glad when it was over.
I call a sister, but she calls back and has to go after a minute.
And now I'm drinking coffee again. One of my worst bad habits I'm trying to get over. Everything is the worst that it could be.
Saturday, December 05, 2015
Goal #1, Part 3
So I check out my text, the interview with Gail Simone and there's just a smidgen of ham in there, with mostly spam. I'm panicking. Should I just quit, should I just quit? Is a major theme, like the little engine that could, chug-a-chug, in my brain. I think about going in and complaining to my mom about my problems, maybe get some sympathy points there, but I resist. I don't want to complain.
My thesis is set upon the fact that sexism is alive in the comic book industry. However, in her interview she states twice that sexism is not the issue. Ignorance and a lack of care are the issue.
I don't see how to write an essay on this. Am I supposed to pull from various sources? I can do that. I don't see how to write an essay on this as a textual narrative though. I'm not sure where to begin.
Essay Guidelines, of course.
"3 page essay analyzing some aspect of the text as life narrative relating to women’s work."
This is going to be really, really difficult. For a class I'm already failing. Personal satisfaction? ACE. I know most of this is boring as stone to ya'll, but sometimes the battle is inside.
So, I jot down some notes from Smith and Weston's Reading Autobiography and flip through the interview, seeing if any dots connect, or ideas match up.
6:11 pm.
Hit another road block. I have the ideas, the concepts, the bare bones down, but none of the flowery creative stuff that we writer's like to call ether. It's like trying to build the White House with toothpicks. And not a model to scale, but the real thing. I've hit writer's block, I'm drawing a blank.
Scary thing for a writer, to run out of words. or just new material, or old recycled material that doesn't mean anything. But this is less cruel than "We just don't want you." It's more like "You are unable." Which is absolutely not true. I am able. I've already fought the "We just don't want you" enemies, I have barely begun to define or fight this "you are unable." It's like being in a solid white sinkhole. You can't climb up the sides, because the stuff's just too soft and it's like putty. You're not over anything, but you're not under anything either. That's just how it feels. Like you're in the woods and it's softly snowing and there isn't any sound but the wind, blowing over your cold soon to be corpse of a body that you have hidden in this snow cave you dug to wait for your rescuers.
ok taking a mandatory break. it's the witching hour!
8.33 pm
Back and feel like a stuffed baked potato. Really feeling bad about not doing that stuff I was supposed to do, today. I don't have an excuse, really.
Strong I don't want to do anythings, pushing at me.
I feel like I prepare to the middle, whence then I start to dismantle all that which I have pared. It makes a nice tent, but there's no substance.
I'm grumpy and lonely for people. I just want to stuff my face with people. I know that sounds weird, but I think everyone out there wants community and relationships.
-narrowed eyes- We both look pregnant. You know who you are. lol.
I think I have to get less gross. This is kind of hard to do....
Anyway. The thing is. I am absolutely convinced that I cannot write this essay as of right now. But at the same time. I want to play with it. edit the bonkers out of it. I'm too sober editor, less drunk writer.
Probably because the Lord is editing me out of the church life!!!!! DUN, DUN, DUN. I don't believe he'd ever do that, but He did mention something called outer darkness. I just feel dumb when there's these people who are super spiritual and, I recognize something they do from the Bible, and it's like I've known these guys for years...(Paul, Matthew, Peter and John), and I think they are superb. Try some grey poupon?
Super editor turned on. What do I do with that?
I think I'm going to bed.
My thesis is set upon the fact that sexism is alive in the comic book industry. However, in her interview she states twice that sexism is not the issue. Ignorance and a lack of care are the issue.
I don't see how to write an essay on this. Am I supposed to pull from various sources? I can do that. I don't see how to write an essay on this as a textual narrative though. I'm not sure where to begin.
Essay Guidelines, of course.
"3 page essay analyzing some aspect of the text as life narrative relating to women’s work."
This is going to be really, really difficult. For a class I'm already failing. Personal satisfaction? ACE. I know most of this is boring as stone to ya'll, but sometimes the battle is inside.
So, I jot down some notes from Smith and Weston's Reading Autobiography and flip through the interview, seeing if any dots connect, or ideas match up.
6:11 pm.
Hit another road block. I have the ideas, the concepts, the bare bones down, but none of the flowery creative stuff that we writer's like to call ether. It's like trying to build the White House with toothpicks. And not a model to scale, but the real thing. I've hit writer's block, I'm drawing a blank.
Scary thing for a writer, to run out of words. or just new material, or old recycled material that doesn't mean anything. But this is less cruel than "We just don't want you." It's more like "You are unable." Which is absolutely not true. I am able. I've already fought the "We just don't want you" enemies, I have barely begun to define or fight this "you are unable." It's like being in a solid white sinkhole. You can't climb up the sides, because the stuff's just too soft and it's like putty. You're not over anything, but you're not under anything either. That's just how it feels. Like you're in the woods and it's softly snowing and there isn't any sound but the wind, blowing over your cold soon to be corpse of a body that you have hidden in this snow cave you dug to wait for your rescuers.
ok taking a mandatory break. it's the witching hour!
8.33 pm
Back and feel like a stuffed baked potato. Really feeling bad about not doing that stuff I was supposed to do, today. I don't have an excuse, really.
Strong I don't want to do anythings, pushing at me.
I feel like I prepare to the middle, whence then I start to dismantle all that which I have pared. It makes a nice tent, but there's no substance.
I'm grumpy and lonely for people. I just want to stuff my face with people. I know that sounds weird, but I think everyone out there wants community and relationships.
-narrowed eyes- We both look pregnant. You know who you are. lol.
I think I have to get less gross. This is kind of hard to do....
Anyway. The thing is. I am absolutely convinced that I cannot write this essay as of right now. But at the same time. I want to play with it. edit the bonkers out of it. I'm too sober editor, less drunk writer.
Probably because the Lord is editing me out of the church life!!!!! DUN, DUN, DUN. I don't believe he'd ever do that, but He did mention something called outer darkness. I just feel dumb when there's these people who are super spiritual and, I recognize something they do from the Bible, and it's like I've known these guys for years...(Paul, Matthew, Peter and John), and I think they are superb. Try some grey poupon?
Super editor turned on. What do I do with that?
I think I'm going to bed.
Goal #1, Part 2
Ok, so I've read part of the interview and I started falling asleep. Which was great because I'm tired, (stayed up all night) but not so great if you're trying to write an essay. Moshing through the interview, and I set it down for a second to gauge sleepiness and I feel more heart tremors coming on. I cannot do this.
I don't know what to do. There's a creeping woman in that yellow wallpaper and she wants to get out. (From "The Yellow Wallpaper," Gilman). I don't know that would give my life up for some essay, no matter how profound.
The thing is, it's not the essay. It's my professor confused about me and me doing nothing to dispel it. (not completely true, I tried talking to her during office hours and emails) It's my dad hating education. It's me promising to myself that I would do that Project #3 today and nothing else. It's my mom dropping out of her Master's degree. It's an It's not a who.
Maybe if I was writing the constitution of the United States of America,for that document was worth dying. Megan's college essay on sexism in comics. Nah.
Now I'm convincing myself I shouldn't write an essay. This essay.
New PSAs - Essays kill people more than drugs do.
I want to write an essay. This essay. It can be a who. A Gail Simone. One Megan Coker, or another person whom we must not name.
Fine, I'll deflect all essaying and project 3ing to tomorrow. I did write a thesis today. and tried to get somewhere to work on P3.
I don't know what to do. There's a creeping woman in that yellow wallpaper and she wants to get out. (From "The Yellow Wallpaper," Gilman). I don't know that would give my life up for some essay, no matter how profound.
The thing is, it's not the essay. It's my professor confused about me and me doing nothing to dispel it. (not completely true, I tried talking to her during office hours and emails) It's my dad hating education. It's me promising to myself that I would do that Project #3 today and nothing else. It's my mom dropping out of her Master's degree. It's an It's not a who.
Maybe if I was writing the constitution of the United States of America,for that document was worth dying. Megan's college essay on sexism in comics. Nah.
Now I'm convincing myself I shouldn't write an essay. This essay.
New PSAs - Essays kill people more than drugs do.
I want to write an essay. This essay. It can be a who. A Gail Simone. One Megan Coker, or another person whom we must not name.
Fine, I'll deflect all essaying and project 3ing to tomorrow. I did write a thesis today. and tried to get somewhere to work on P3.
Goal #1, Part 1
Goal #1. Finish the semester with a bang.
Not going so well. The program I need is on campus. I plan, plan, plan it for campus today, all day to do my project. Then at the last minute, I chicken out. I'm having paranoid thoughts. I feel like "everyone" wants me to fail. Least that can be said, is that my energy level and motivation are completely bottomed out.
So I try a change. Let's do something else altogether from what we planned, and make it a day to stay in to write this essay.
I lack faith in myself, I lack faith in anything, period.
I just want to finish, maybe pass one or two classes, but the person I'm begging, my paranoid mind, will not listen and will not forgive. Mainly, I'm asking too much.
I should have known that timing my return to school, coinciding with my eventual descent into madness was probably a bad idea. Perhaps I was looking to some salvation. Salvation is of the Jews.
Anyways. Essay. I can't seem to write how I usually write, or organize how I usually organize, so I'll have to be creative and think of some other angle to pull it from my butt. Mainly, I don't have anything to pull from, my butt is a mess. Lack of faith, again.
So essay. It's about Woman's Work and over Gail Simone's interview with Comics Alliance. I was thinking I could put some thesis up there. And it has to be profound. Gail Simone with her interview with Comics Alliance shows groundbreaking work in sexism in the comic book industry. Well, not exactly profound, does the job.
ACID REFLUX SUX. As do cancer and diabetes and most ailments known to man.
Ok, I'm actually trying to write this and feeling a whole mis-matched of botched emotions as I do it. I can't seem to sort anything out or organize anything. It's like the third horseman, disease is coming at me full force. I want to kill myself, that's at the top of the list. How....?
Now that I've written the thesis. a flood of panic/relief floods in. Untrustworthy, unreliable relief.
I just had two minor heart attacks, while attempting to write beyond the thesis.
I'm kind of rethinking this. I don't want to die. Most people don't. This class has been one of my hardest, mostly because I didn't trust the professor and I felt like the whole time she just wanted me to leave. I really wanted to be in the flow with the whole women's movement thing, I really got that.
But I don't want to die over an essay.
This is the class I started out badly on. It's easy to pigeonhole it. I don't want to fail this class, but I'm failing already. Maybe I should just cut my losses. I wanted to do it right...I wanted to ace the class...I wanted to finish even though I'm failing. Just not at the cost of my life.
Should I ace the other classes? Mainly. Mainly, I'll see if they give me heart attacks, too.
Also my dad has a vendetta against education which doesn't help at all.
Not going so well. The program I need is on campus. I plan, plan, plan it for campus today, all day to do my project. Then at the last minute, I chicken out. I'm having paranoid thoughts. I feel like "everyone" wants me to fail. Least that can be said, is that my energy level and motivation are completely bottomed out.
So I try a change. Let's do something else altogether from what we planned, and make it a day to stay in to write this essay.
I lack faith in myself, I lack faith in anything, period.
I just want to finish, maybe pass one or two classes, but the person I'm begging, my paranoid mind, will not listen and will not forgive. Mainly, I'm asking too much.
I should have known that timing my return to school, coinciding with my eventual descent into madness was probably a bad idea. Perhaps I was looking to some salvation. Salvation is of the Jews.
Anyways. Essay. I can't seem to write how I usually write, or organize how I usually organize, so I'll have to be creative and think of some other angle to pull it from my butt. Mainly, I don't have anything to pull from, my butt is a mess. Lack of faith, again.
So essay. It's about Woman's Work and over Gail Simone's interview with Comics Alliance. I was thinking I could put some thesis up there. And it has to be profound. Gail Simone with her interview with Comics Alliance shows groundbreaking work in sexism in the comic book industry. Well, not exactly profound, does the job.
ACID REFLUX SUX. As do cancer and diabetes and most ailments known to man.
Ok, I'm actually trying to write this and feeling a whole mis-matched of botched emotions as I do it. I can't seem to sort anything out or organize anything. It's like the third horseman, disease is coming at me full force. I want to kill myself, that's at the top of the list. How....?
Now that I've written the thesis. a flood of panic/relief floods in. Untrustworthy, unreliable relief.
I just had two minor heart attacks, while attempting to write beyond the thesis.
I'm kind of rethinking this. I don't want to die. Most people don't. This class has been one of my hardest, mostly because I didn't trust the professor and I felt like the whole time she just wanted me to leave. I really wanted to be in the flow with the whole women's movement thing, I really got that.
But I don't want to die over an essay.
This is the class I started out badly on. It's easy to pigeonhole it. I don't want to fail this class, but I'm failing already. Maybe I should just cut my losses. I wanted to do it right...I wanted to ace the class...I wanted to finish even though I'm failing. Just not at the cost of my life.
Should I ace the other classes? Mainly. Mainly, I'll see if they give me heart attacks, too.
Also my dad has a vendetta against education which doesn't help at all.
Friday, December 04, 2015
My Mom and Yellow Things
So here's a poem I wrote about my Mom and Yellow Things.
My mother has two huge bottles of mustard
In the kitchen cabinet. They are large, yellow things, 7 in by 3 in.
Why so much mustard?
She eats hotdogs infrequently
And I, not at all, being a vegetarian.
Potato salad, maybe?
Like a teaspoonful for the whole dish
Does she think at the end of the world
People will line up to pay her for a teaspoonful
of mustard for all those potato salads they'll be making?
Maybe she's thinking of making a potato gun
With the key ingredient a mite of mustard
"To burn the eyes."
There they are in their brilliance.
Sending me an obtuse message
Too much 'tard. Less 'tard, please.
That maybe one day I'll get her secret jokes
Only other pantrymates would get.
But probably my mother just felt the need
For more yellow in our dreary cabinet of
Blue salt canisters and diced tomato cans.
And go on to make my own color and secret jokes and doomsday predictions.
"And Go on me."
My mother has two huge bottles of mustard
In the kitchen cabinet. They are large, yellow things, 7 in by 3 in.
Why so much mustard?
She eats hotdogs infrequently
And I, not at all, being a vegetarian.
Potato salad, maybe?
Like a teaspoonful for the whole dish
Does she think at the end of the world
People will line up to pay her for a teaspoonful
of mustard for all those potato salads they'll be making?
Maybe she's thinking of making a potato gun
With the key ingredient a mite of mustard
"To burn the eyes."
There they are in their brilliance.
Sending me an obtuse message
Too much 'tard. Less 'tard, please.
That maybe one day I'll get her secret jokes
Only other pantrymates would get.
But probably my mother just felt the need
For more yellow in our dreary cabinet of
Blue salt canisters and diced tomato cans.
And go on to make my own color and secret jokes and doomsday predictions.
"And Go on me."
My Goal Cobbling
I am going to make goals again. Because. That is what I do.
Goal #1 Finish the semester blasting.
To feel better about myself.
Goal #2 Don't finish that last semester. Why, because UTA sucks, that's why.
Because It's worthless. I guess I have to find Someone Special First.
Goal #2 1/2 Find that special someone.
I guess I have to find him, and meet him and take him out to coffee.
Goal #3 Exercise...Be less gross.
I think we should all have this goal (Side Note: I tried to give this to God (like have a time with the sister's exercising...yeah it didn't work out) #prayerdidn'tworkyet)
Goal #4 Get a job.
Money. Pay back loans, rent and groceries, and car payment things.
Goal #5 Go to the church meetings that I am called to go to.
I need God, too. And God people. I love me some God people!
Goal #6 Get a car
(for job)( and church meetings).
Goal #7 Believe that I'm redeemable and an ok person.
I have like that impossible staircase picture self-esteem. It's like I'm going along, things are fine, I'm happy with myself, and woot, won't you know it, I'm walking around upside down on the other side of the building.
I'm irresponsible, you know. I don't care if the butterfly wings here cause a tsunami in Japan. And this is eating at me. I don't have anyone checking me, you know?
I believe we should write goals down, at least the DUMB ones ( Dreamy, Unrealistic, Magnificent, Bold). Then we should forget about them, and come back to them at intervals to see what has changed, stayed the same, etc.
Do you think these goals are dumb enough? Or are they GROW goals? I. e. Workable, middle-ground goals? (Goal, Reality, Obstacles, Way forward?) Mainly, more about these goals, next time.
Goal #1 Finish the semester blasting.
To feel better about myself.
Goal #2 Don't finish that last semester. Why, because UTA sucks, that's why.
Because It's worthless. I guess I have to find Someone Special First.
Goal #2 1/2 Find that special someone.
I guess I have to find him, and meet him and take him out to coffee.
Goal #3 Exercise...Be less gross.
I think we should all have this goal (Side Note: I tried to give this to God (like have a time with the sister's exercising...yeah it didn't work out) #prayerdidn'tworkyet)
Goal #4 Get a job.
Money. Pay back loans, rent and groceries, and car payment things.
Goal #5 Go to the church meetings that I am called to go to.
I need God, too. And God people. I love me some God people!
Goal #6 Get a car
(for job)( and church meetings).
Goal #7 Believe that I'm redeemable and an ok person.
I have like that impossible staircase picture self-esteem. It's like I'm going along, things are fine, I'm happy with myself, and woot, won't you know it, I'm walking around upside down on the other side of the building.
I'm irresponsible, you know. I don't care if the butterfly wings here cause a tsunami in Japan. And this is eating at me. I don't have anyone checking me, you know?
I believe we should write goals down, at least the DUMB ones ( Dreamy, Unrealistic, Magnificent, Bold). Then we should forget about them, and come back to them at intervals to see what has changed, stayed the same, etc.
Do you think these goals are dumb enough? Or are they GROW goals? I. e. Workable, middle-ground goals? (Goal, Reality, Obstacles, Way forward?) Mainly, more about these goals, next time.
A Post Where I get Angry at My Mom
I am so afraid of my mother. She drags out the worst in me. I wish that I wasn't near her.
So I want to get a car. We have talked about this and she has said that she would start looking for a car in December. I, thinking that it would remind her of getting a car, wanted to bring in a car at which I was looking. I could feel her tense up sitting right next to her. I don't know about ya'll but I can tell when someone's tense. I am not a smart woman, so the next thing I do is try to show her the car. She starts yelling that I cars that inexpensive are not always good cars, a fact of which I am well aware. I freak out and try to finish everything like a dolt, and she ends up yelling at me that we already had plans. I end up cursing and she leaves. I didn't realize my mom was sensitive to finishing things. Notes for next times.
EVERY SINGLE TIME, I bring up cars this happens. About to get real spiritual here...who doesn't want me to get a car? I know it could be everyone. Let this broken winged bird go here. Let go of your stupid control over everyone and everything.
Stop spell checking my entire post. Thank you.
(This was resolved later, with kind words and hugs, thanks for all your prayers, thoughts.)
So I want to get a car. We have talked about this and she has said that she would start looking for a car in December. I, thinking that it would remind her of getting a car, wanted to bring in a car at which I was looking. I could feel her tense up sitting right next to her. I don't know about ya'll but I can tell when someone's tense. I am not a smart woman, so the next thing I do is try to show her the car. She starts yelling that I cars that inexpensive are not always good cars, a fact of which I am well aware. I freak out and try to finish everything like a dolt, and she ends up yelling at me that we already had plans. I end up cursing and she leaves. I didn't realize my mom was sensitive to finishing things. Notes for next times.
EVERY SINGLE TIME, I bring up cars this happens. About to get real spiritual here...who doesn't want me to get a car? I know it could be everyone. Let this broken winged bird go here. Let go of your stupid control over everyone and everything.
Stop spell checking my entire post. Thank you.
(This was resolved later, with kind words and hugs, thanks for all your prayers, thoughts.)
First Post in 8 Years
Everything is a mess. My schoolwork isn't doing what it should. I feel like my professors are against me for the first time in my life. The FIRST time. It feels like they don't give a smack what happens to me. I am old. I hate it. I hate everything and I am old. But excuses are seriously lame.
So I should plug ahead with my presentations and homework, am I right? Fine. I have done everything backwards. Everything seems backwards. Say backwards is a theme and my life is a book. I feel like in the country everything is inside out upside down and backwards, and here, I still feel a smidge of my country roots in that backwardness.
I miss father's and dad's and spiritual father's and spiritual dad's. It's like I had them the most when I didn't need them, and now I need them the most and they aren't there.
I'm being overdramatic. This is only a short period of time and I will soon get over it. I do feel my professors don't care. Which is a real issue. Professors should care. I think. Maybe they should only care about certain ones, and leave the rest out to dry. I have real issues with the grading curve. Is that a real thing? with a few getting A's and then mostly B's and C's and with a few getting F's. I've always wondered what getting an E would be like. E for Einstein, am I right?
Anyways, I'm depressed. I haven't been depressed all semester, but I did stop seeing my counselor. I thought it wasn't necessary. And I have so many problems and I feel sorry for burdening him with them. My mom suggests I take vitamins. I'm don't think she understands that I'm trying to get off the medication, not add to it. I feel like a slave to an invisible force, invisible because I refuse to acknowledge it. Slave because my mom keeps reminding me of them.
I keep eating! This sounds weird, but I don't like to eat. And I have some force in me, probably hormones, that says I probably should eat, and I should eat, but not like 24/7, which is what I have been eating. I am huge, and have giant acne and fried hair! And a fat face and rolls and a spare tire and half of this stuff I don't take seriously. I probably should. Then I'd be really pretty, maybe.
I want a purpose that I don't seem to have. I think this ambiguousness is really a good thing, because it means that ultimately, I'm where 90% of the people are, wanting a purpose but not really having one, so they are always seeking one.
I keep trying to find something in my life. A purpose, or something wrong with me to fix. Something that makes meaning of some sort. Something to work for, to time for, but everything I've done this semester seems like a waste.
Which brings me to the point of finishing next semester. Would it be more waste? Would it be a waste to not finish? As of right now I don't want to go. I don't want to finish. My mom waited until she was 50 to finish her degree. I could be like her. I know I could teach or go to librarian school. But I could also do other things that don't require a degree.
Mainly, I just want someone to care.
So I should plug ahead with my presentations and homework, am I right? Fine. I have done everything backwards. Everything seems backwards. Say backwards is a theme and my life is a book. I feel like in the country everything is inside out upside down and backwards, and here, I still feel a smidge of my country roots in that backwardness.
I miss father's and dad's and spiritual father's and spiritual dad's. It's like I had them the most when I didn't need them, and now I need them the most and they aren't there.
I'm being overdramatic. This is only a short period of time and I will soon get over it. I do feel my professors don't care. Which is a real issue. Professors should care. I think. Maybe they should only care about certain ones, and leave the rest out to dry. I have real issues with the grading curve. Is that a real thing? with a few getting A's and then mostly B's and C's and with a few getting F's. I've always wondered what getting an E would be like. E for Einstein, am I right?
Anyways, I'm depressed. I haven't been depressed all semester, but I did stop seeing my counselor. I thought it wasn't necessary. And I have so many problems and I feel sorry for burdening him with them. My mom suggests I take vitamins. I'm don't think she understands that I'm trying to get off the medication, not add to it. I feel like a slave to an invisible force, invisible because I refuse to acknowledge it. Slave because my mom keeps reminding me of them.
I keep eating! This sounds weird, but I don't like to eat. And I have some force in me, probably hormones, that says I probably should eat, and I should eat, but not like 24/7, which is what I have been eating. I am huge, and have giant acne and fried hair! And a fat face and rolls and a spare tire and half of this stuff I don't take seriously. I probably should. Then I'd be really pretty, maybe.
I want a purpose that I don't seem to have. I think this ambiguousness is really a good thing, because it means that ultimately, I'm where 90% of the people are, wanting a purpose but not really having one, so they are always seeking one.
I keep trying to find something in my life. A purpose, or something wrong with me to fix. Something that makes meaning of some sort. Something to work for, to time for, but everything I've done this semester seems like a waste.
Which brings me to the point of finishing next semester. Would it be more waste? Would it be a waste to not finish? As of right now I don't want to go. I don't want to finish. My mom waited until she was 50 to finish her degree. I could be like her. I know I could teach or go to librarian school. But I could also do other things that don't require a degree.
Mainly, I just want someone to care.
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