My boring day.

Today I woke up and it was already time for my therapist appointment.  I had slept in when I meant to be getting up and doing things, but in my defense, I had stayed up to 2 the night before and was exhausted.

I went to my therapy appointment, and my therapist and I went over a book with me about depression.  I think she is trying to teach me what depression is.   I think our appointments are ok, but I wish there was more back and forth. I feel like she is talking most of the time and I never seem to be able to talk about what I want and need to talk about.  Other than that, I appreciate our visits.

After I came home, I applied for a couple of warehouses online and called to follow up on my applications to other warehouses.  No response, so far.

Then I crawled into bed and fell asleep.  I slept and before I woke up I had a strange dream, where I was trying to find the most high God over all because I felt I was losing all my powers and having trouble, and there were candles lighting the kitchen and dining room, and I was floating every couple of steps and trying to show my mom how to float.

Facebook is all heat, lack of gas and football season starting.  I can't wait for the weather to change to chilliness and for the sweaters to come out.  As for the lack of gas, I'm somewhat concerned that we may run out and everything will come to halt, but I walk to work, so not too worried.  As for football, I'm actually thinking about watching, but I'm not a huge fan or anything.

Life

What's the news?   

Facebook is still awesome.  It keeps us connected with family and friends. 

The word is out, Aunt Judy is also awesome.  

I'm a little worried about my friend's kid, called Peanut, because he had a broken arm and then shattered his femur and had to be transferred to Oklahoma for surgery.  It turns out his bones may be soft for some reason.  Poor little dude.  

Also everyone's talking about the weather, Hurricane Harvey.  Well, as far as I've heard, every has been safe except for a couple of dogs that were chained, and even most of those were rescued.  We only have some rain...very light rain.  

I just got a check and it looks like my student loan payments aren't going to be too high so I'll have a little spending money and money to pay my mom back.  

We skipped my therapist's appointment today, because my mom lost track of time.  I kind of am happy about it, but kinda not happy about it.  

Mom isn't able to get everything she needs to get done at lunch. 

God is still confusing, but we must pursue and seek Him.  Fight for him.  That's why I wish we were reading about David in the Bible.  He was a fighter.  

Applying for Warehouse jobs.  I feel this is where my strengths lie.  

I can play two songs on the guitar and am working on playing them from memory.  One is Will Not Take My Love Away, by Matt Wertz and the other is Let Her Go, by Passenger.  Contrasting songs, for sure.  

Have discovered Riffstation.  Only the most awesome site for learning songs with the chords.  

I need a capo.  

Analyzing Exercise, Realizing what I Really Need To Do, and Dropping things Which are Not Helpful

Feeling really motivated to do summery stuff now that summer is actually over. Like play guitar or eat vegetables.  It's like these past seven months have been my entire January and February.

I keep getting really conflicted about what I should do and what I should give up on.  I keep trying to analyze my life from different perspectives hoping I'll find some sort of brilliance to it, but the life in my life, still "exists between."  Unknowable and incomprehensible.

I keep looking for that "Ah-ha!" moment when everything is perfect, but I keep missing it by a mile.

I've been really worried about my mom as of late.  She seems really disorganized and rash.  Chopping our front bushes down to nubs, and pulling weeds as she holds the mail she just got out of the mailbox.  Watching a lot of TV, mostly crime shows.  I do feel I can't do anything for her without becoming entangled in her, as well, and I wish she would reach out to others, as I have been doing, which brings me back to my conflict.

I want to go to the gym and make exercising my hobby, because of this one video I saw which inspired me.  However, 1.  I don't want to exercise in my free time.  I am super lazy and unmotivated, plus my mom will not want to drive me, I know and we may get in fights about it.   2.  I need to get a full-time job and spend my energies on that.  So it's like priorities.  What is more important?  Going to the gym or getting a job...could going to the gym end up in me getting a job?  Maybe...I feel like the spiritual forces around me 1. Don't think I should get a job.  2.  Don't think I should exercise.  3.  Don't think I should knit.  4.  Don't think I should read.  5.  Don't think I should have cool apps.  6. Don't think I should play guitar.  7.  Don't think I should go to church meetings.  8.  Don't think I should go to Meetups.  9.  Don't think I should have a life outside of Subway.  10.  Don't think I should drink coffee.  And all this is all I have wanted to do lately.  So I'm not just fighting physical problems such as timing and positivity, but spiritual problems, and social-spiritual problems.

I feel like I see what I need.  1.  Health/Exercise.  2.  A full time job which can finance my paying off my student loans.  3.  Social interactions in which I can "catch up" from all the poor family and church interactions I had as a child.

Obstacles to Health/Exercise
Timing.  Primary motivation.  False beliefs.  Not making the time.  Heat.  Driving.  Embarrassment.  Feeling like I'm being selfish.  confusion, having no knowledge about different types of work out.

I hate making a big deal about the things I need, something in the Bible about Christians not needing anything to outsiders and because if I do, I'll be punished in some way, but I need to make a big deal about this so I can fight against everything that's keeping me from doing exercising and make a stand for my health and the health of others, really.

Timing.  I have to work around work.  I should exercise once a day.  an hour each day.  Weights and cardio.  As of late, I've been put on evening shift so probably in the morning I could work out.  Another timing issue is that I feel like I have to be different every day to keep myself interested in myself.  Hmmmmmm....really.  I got really bored with doing the dishes everyday.  So maybe if I just varied the workout. I was also really frustrated with the dishes because our drain is broken and I had to bring water in buckets to the kitchen sink to wash dishes.  Still this is a factor, just vary things

I have to clean the kitchen floor, so I often distract myself with cleaning instead of working out, putting cleaning first.

So I've carefully avoided time/importance issues, where and what?  I could walk 30 minutes to the gym to work out, they have machines, or I could work out at home.  First I'd do stretches to limber up muscles.  Then 30 minutes of pushups, situps, plank, leg lifts, squats and whatever other physical exercise that I can do at home.  My mom has some weights, so I could do something with that.  Then 30 minutes run/walking at the park or around the neighborhood.  I don't want to use the gym because it's 30 minutes there and back plus the workout itself.

Am I being selfish?  No.  Health is important for everyone.  Everyone needs to exercise.  I feel like when I exercise I grab energy needed for other projects and use them for exercise.  But this problem should go away after a few weeks of regular exercise.

I just thought of something.  I should be exercising now, instead of analyzing this to death.  Several things came up.  I don't want to exercise, first.  I should start tomorrow, second.  I should wait until it's less hot, third.  I think it's fair to want to start tomorrow.  In the morning, at 9 am.  Shouldn't be hot.

 This autumn will be an autumn of exercise.  This is the change I'm requesting.

I come back with an O RLY?  Because what is more important? Getting a job, working on social skills, or exercising?  Obviously working on social skills will lead you to a job and a job itself is way more important that exercising.

So should I take that time I would be using to exercise and instead look for a job?

Should I include social skill obtaining as part of getting a job?  Should I go to various meetups in the evenings?  I can't afford the Uber anymore.

Exercise would just be a hobby, while getting a new job is a lifestyle change.  I need the distractions I can recover from.

I should stop knitting, crosstitching, playing guitar, fun apps, reading, exercising, watching TV with my mom and going out at night and use them only for rewards for completing milestones toward getting a new job.

Thanks for listening to me analyze and cross analyze.  I've been trying to get my priorities straight and it's very difficult to be clear about what's the most important thing right now.

TBH, I've kind of at this moment given up on God.  I gave up on going to church among other things and felt a huge weight lifted off me.  I felt a huge amount of relief.  So I think it's a good thing.

I'm not interested in getting into a relationship right now.  That, also, is put on the back burner.

So the only thing left is finding a full time job.  I'm going at it right now.

Job Stuffs

So not everything is too brutally honest.  I'm referring to my previous post which I reverted to draft because of shocking content. Here's the ordinary stuff.  

I'm trying to write a cover letter for a job position with UTA Police Communications.  I realize how depressed I am, when all I can write is how depressed I am and how bad I would be for the job.  That's just what came out.  My home is not a safe space anymore.  I have to go forage in the wilds of Arlington.

I can't seem to recall my passion, my love for the company or an accomplishment or something funny.

I have an appointment with Dr. Tijanera tomorrow so hopefully we can go over some of that.  I don't know.  She's a career counselor as well as an ordinary counselor.

Ok, some of this is brutally honest.  Sorry.  Just what the readers want what they want.