The Shining

I felt like poo today.  I was in bed and I turn into a bed monster when I'm at home, when I don't have any place to go and I won't get up.  I kept hearing my dad's voice talking to me, (figuratively), "Get up!  Get up!"  and I kept rolling over and saying "No."

So I woke up at 5ish.  There was this meeting to get to and I could have helped prepare for it, and my friends have been texting me, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

My little kid, just looked at me and said, "Those are fighting words!"  

So what did I do. I had all this self-hate in a pool that I was wallowing in.  First off, I started watching College Humor, which popped up on my screen.  I wasn't too bright right after I wake up but I wanted to shake off the willies.  Not much happened, but I knew I had to get to Parks and Recreation.  

I didn't watch the beginning of the show when it came out, just the last couple of seasons, so I'm getting all this crazy background that I didn't get on round 1.  I do keep comparing my watching style to my previous watching style.  I remember being so excited about people and yet snarky with an attitude.  I guess I shouldn't compare and should just be in the moment with what I'm watching now.  

So looking up self-hate online didn't help very much.  I'm thinking there should be more research into hate, since it is  the driving factor behind all the bad things humans do.  However, you get a few dumb "Sorry you hate yourself, have better self-esteem" sites when you look up, "I hate myself" on Google. 

I meant for today to be awesome.  I was going to AVON out.  Yep, I sold into a company that bugs people and sells things.  Just thank your lucky stars that it's not Thrive.  (JK, Love you Thrivers.)  This company sells really great stuff.  And I was going to bug the crap out of people.  

My mom came home with some groceries, I made coffee, Ate some cinnamon rolls and onion rings, go figure.  Turned the air conditioning on, because Texas evidently has a season problem.  

I'm starving for people interactions, I know it, but today was not my day.  I hate having one day crappy and one day great.  I want all my days to be great.  But people and energy, you know.  All my days used to be terrible, so I guess I'm actually improving.  I forget sometimes.  Those days were so unmemorable.  

So I Park and Rec.  It's really a great show for cheer up feelies.  

But now I'm writing this blog.  And figuring out what to do with the rest of the day. I drink my zyprexa and melatonin with my coffee, ironically.  

I've been a strong advocate for the mornings being "right" and the night being "time for sleep."  However, I am awake now and slept all morning and afternoon.  Perhaps, I'll AVON out with the night crew.  Sometimes I sleep all day and then sleep all night.  The biggest thing is that I need to forgive myself for sleeping all day.  Not because it's a forgivable offense, but because I was hating myself for it and poor self-esteem sucks, and you never get anything done.  

I have a hat that I stopped knitting on the other day because I had made a mistake and I was extremely frustrated by it.  Nope, don't want to knit.  Not if I'm one of the cool kids.  

These moths keep showing up. I know they are eating holes in my clothes.  Need some Cedar blocks.  

My self hate is turning into anger and tenseness in my body and in my head, I'm panicking from within.  "It's night!"  I'm screaming at myself.  "You can't do anything!  Everything you do is pointless!"  And I'm getting hurt.  

I want to force my biological clock into place and punish myself for "being bad," by lying down and not getting up until morning.  

There's knitting and reading and coloring (I just bought a huge coloring book at Barnes and Noble's).  I could AVON out.  There's planning tomorrow.  There's practicing the guitar.  All these things and the only thing I really want to do is be with people.  And I can't.  All there is is this computer screen and the threads of whispers in the back of my head that I get from here.  Monsterlife, people, peace out.  

I love animals.

I had a dream that I was at my house in Cedar Park and I let in 6 different cats from the rain.  I was thinking how I was going to care for them and tell my mom.  I was so happy.  So happy

Word of the Day and Worst of the Day

Merrium Webster's Word of the Day

Palliate

1 :	to reduce the violence of (a disease); also : to ease (symptoms) without curing the underlying disease

Icy Hot palliates sore shoulders.

It also means to make a bunch of excuses.

I get a word of the day and found the perfect way to use it.

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I've wasted all day.  I slept ALL day.  I got up early and had morning revival with a sister and then didn't have any motivation to do anything.  I had a huge list. I kind of  had an inkling to clean the yard, but had so much fear that I didn't know what to do with myself.

Fear.  I haven't found what positive benefits fear provides yet.  I'm still looking.  Maybe fear helps us forget things, wiping our memories clean. 

I've been spoiled by courage, lately.  My fear resides like a floatie around me, buoying me up, but seriously demotivating.  I'm so bored with my surroundings I can't see to change them.  So today dealing with demotivation, boredom, and unreasonable fear.  No courage to change my surroundings or myself.   So instead of taking on any challenges, I turned tail and went back to bed.

I think this really has to do with disappointing someone close to me and because of that, they wouldn't or couldn't support me.  Did get the bloodwork done, though, so that's encouraging.

Really, today though, I enjoyed God's rest.  He is resting in me and I felt the past couple of days that my spirit was separating from my soul.   I felt unemotional and detached.  I missed the feeling that I could depend on myself to connect with others.  I felt unstable and not attached to any foundation.  So resting connected myself back to my spirit.  We think that we don't need that "Day of Rest," but today is the day we need it more than ever. 

My goal tomorrow is to find my courage.  I can't seem to find it most days, but I know it's there, just waiting for me.  I have to unlock it. 

To keep my word.  Because out of keeping your word comes all sorts of blessings. 

Icy Hot's True Nature Revealed, and Saturday Plans

I feel so gypped.  Icy hot doesn't really do anything.  It just stimulates the skin to distract you from the muscle or joint pain. I feel taken to the cleaners.

There's got to be something more that we can do for sore muscles.  I'm open to suggestions.

Tomorrow there's three things I hope to do.

There's this app that's like Uber for dog walking, Wag, and I'm going to do a test run.  I'm really excited about this, While it doesn't hope to pay more than the cost of getting there, I'd be walking dogs, which is what I love to do.

And...there are kittens at Marie's house and I plan to get over there.  Kittens trump everything.
Especially as cute as these kittens are.

Oh, yeah bloodwork.  When you take a lot of pills, they have to test you regularly to make sure everything's normal.

Life's going. I don't really feel like writing a bunch, which I think is Godly, but I wanted to update you on how I'm doing.

Beginning and Ending with and in Christ

So today is a lazy Sunday for me.  I have my Daily Do List and the Lord Jesus. 

I really wanted to go to the Pumpkin Patch and take fall pictures, but my mom is not having any of it.  Maybe I'll try her in the afternoon when she's more comfortable. 

Guiltily, made some coffee.  I try to avoid caffeine on most occasions, but I figured a little in the morning wouldn't hurt my sleep.  It might get my cells up and jumping.  I want to try the mushroom coffee, coffee from mushrooms.  I don't know if has caffeine or what, but it looks different and I think I'd like it. 

Had to do some laundry, and check my gmail. 

I'm falling to pieces over the purple rugs West Elm has.  I need a purple area rug like mad for my room with Winter around the corner and my feet starting to freeze unless I put socks on.  They are so expensive.  I'm saving for a new mattress first.  I've had this one mattress for 17 years and there's a dip in the side where I sleep.  Bad for the back, you know.

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I'm drinking my second cup of coffee, and getting the jitters.  The going down, coming off the first cup anxiety and the second rup energy.  A whole bunch of angry, anxiety energy, my body fighting with itself. 

I've been sleeping exactly the correct amount.  I hope you all have been, too.  I feel like God has blessed me with this because I've been praying for it for 14 years. 

I'm not really hungry at all though, which is good because I don't have to eat as much to feel full.  I've gone down a whole pant size, and can wear 14's now from 16. I had to get rid of two pairs of pants because they were too big. 

I don't really have the motivation to do anything big right now, so I'm sipping my coffee and writing this blog. 

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I'm caving.  I sort of made a budget. and I didn't put anything there for extra stuff just business, like transportation, meals, paying of huge amount of debt.  But nothing in there for extra clothes or special pins from Teeturtle.  So I'll have to go in and let myself get something special for winter. And I want to re-connect with my education, strangely enough, so I'm getting a long-sleeved Texas State Shirt.  I have a UTA pullover, already. 

Draw me dear Lord.  Draw me, today.  From my neighbor's loud gardening outside my window, dear Lord, Draw me away.