My feet hurt and other stories

My feet hurt.My ankles, too.

I can't sleep, so I'm drinking herbal tea and distracting myself.  The tea tastes like grass.  I'm not very distracted.

I have been so darn selfish today.  I feel horrible.  Like I smoked a thousand cigarettes.

Listening to country music for a change, Stoney LaRue

I've been changing too much and only for myself.   So frustrating.

Changing yourself for someone else.  So not changing for yourself at all.

My mom came out to look at me weird.  

Life

Life continues.

Sleep, don't sleep.

Life has been winding down.

I can't sleep, or I wouldn't still be up.

I've been increasingly getting the feeling that I have insomnia. However, the sporadic times when I can't sleep at night happen usually when I've slept all day, so it's hard to keep track of when i really don't need sleep and when I need sleep, but can't sleep.

I suppose I could keep a log, but I've tried and it's hard to pinpoint exactly when you went to sleep unless you are a clock watcher.

So life, you know.

I have started something I hope I won't regret.  I've collected a lot of email subscriptions over the years and recently archived everything in my mailbox in a long and arduous process, which involved me clicking over 180,000 times.  So I have a clean slate, so to speak, and a lot of email to process, most of which should be junk mail and is filtered into the unimportant section of my inbox, but is really helpful when connecting with my personality.  The nuances shared in the latter part of my inbox, the scrub of the internet, help me reclaim myself, my inner judgement.

So diligently, I comb through the box and find myself over Old Navy and Bitcoin.

Sometimes you just have to reward yourself to make sure that you remember what a reward is.  When you are feeling that low, you have to give yourself something to remind yourself that good things can happen.  And this morning that is what I did.  I gave myself a new winter coat, only $35 at Old Navy. I really love that store.  I knew I would find what I wanted there.

Cryptocurrency posts still tend to confuse me in their newness and originality.  I read them, Minecraft style, readying to shape my furniture, blockily and according to myself.  I shall make thee mine, say I verily, yet still, avoiding complete understanding of the topic.  

Everything is complicated.  I made a crazy craigslist post over the weekend that I regret.   Suffice it to say, I didn't answer any of the numerous responses. Thank the Lord in heaven above me and in me that things didn't go any farther than that.  Sometimes the brain can only think of one solution to a problem and that is the true problem in and of itself.

Life in the day

Binge watched Seth McFarland's funnies on YouTube after I woke up after sleeping for pretty much 24 hours with a 6 hour break in the middle.  Roughly nostalgic with a touch of finality.  A sense of impending ending.

 Missed an interview, but it wasn't even near me, so it's not so surprising.  I was thinking of trying to get a Skype interview, but that didn't even make it to the launch pad.  I really wanted the job, too, but it turned out to be only part time and I won't take none of that, son.  

Feeling so lonely lately.  I mean my mom's here, but she's not a friend or anything.  I keep thinking about work and mentally waking up in a panic, thinking how wrecked I'm going to be going since I'm way past the expiration date, but really there's nothing else to do BUT show up.  I have to have the monies for my student loan.  So.  You see.  $300 and still paying back my mom about $1,300, maybe more. It makes for bad blood, owing relatives, so I just bought a cute turtle introvert pin on TeeTurtle for $8.00, which shows how bad I'm worried about paying my mom back.  I need to write a budget.  But I keep holding out for getting a full time job and starting the whole thing with a budget, fully fitted out with tithing, wants and paying back loans.  Yet I don't have very much faith in the process.  I've slain Subway so much in my heart I can barely look at it without tears in my eyes.  Yet look I do.  

Before feeling lonely, and binge-watching McFarland, I found myself mesmerized by IT.  Yes, I used to be scared of scary movies because I thought TV and movies were real.  Now I'm amused and cheered by the thrill of the scare.  Well, that was me in my twenties.  Now I'm kind of just bored with everything.  Slightly disturbed by the macabre.  A cranky old lady who lives alone.  

Thanks for listening bloggerverse, 

I've already typed too much, 

Megan Out.  

I've Been Thinking

About....writing.  Poetry.  I haven't poeted (every good word starts with poo) since my Senior Level Creative Writing - Poetry class in Fall 2015.

But I've been feeling romantic lately. Wanting to play guitar and write poetry.  It's awful.  I keep trying to screw myself back into position as a happy, productive business major but no.  The fates have summoned me, calling names like "sad," "melancholy," and "creative."  I'm getting used to this life, this constant sadness.  Truthfully, I'm only happy when I'm molding character. 

So poeting.  I might start to poet here.  I think best poetry is written to the self and all I've been doing lately is talking to myself, so it's a start.  :D  I have this book from my poetry class, The Practice of Poetry, edited by Robin Behn and Chase Twitchell that I have from that master class, which is nothing but poetry exercises.  I could take an exercise a day.  That would be something to loosen my typing finger joints and creaky, molding mind. 

I keep dragging my mom out after hours like so much heavy luggage dragged behind a flyer at the airport.  And Proverbs man, totally radical.  It says honoring your parents will bring honor and neck adornments.  My honoring my dad leads me to the heavy chains of love for him, dragging behind me like so much Marley's chains hanging on him as he regaled Scrooge about hell, as he came bursting back from the dead.  

I'm feeling miserable about dragging my mom out.  She's an old lady and needs her rest time, and I'm a young person and need to be out and about.  So we have a tension that way.  Tug of War.

My coffee at this lovely neighborhood Starbucks, is going fast, not only because it is delicious, but also because these grande cups are hella small.  I so want to sign up for their reward program.  Don't get me started on a rant, cause I'll go on for a bit and I'll change the world, one coffee cup at a time.  

Here we come to a resolution.  That is the resolution, but my brain has to think of a immediate resolution to the resolution.  So I'm lazy and resentful, forgetful and completely out of my mind so that the intended habit doesn't continue to fruition.  I think part of the problem is that I'm working on so many things at a time, but recently that hasn't been a problem. 

 It's either Subway or what-the-hell-am-I-doing(going-to-do)-with-my-life, which is a pretty stupid question that I used to ask myself a lot when I was a kid and none, not one of those dreams I dreamed have I ever ever realized.  I haven't become anything, so I personally think it's a huge waste of time.

I need a down-time semi-productive time waster, which usually boils down to Youtube or Facebook or Blogger.    

My mom is texting me now. "I'm old and tired and it's hard to read in the dark."  I feel really bad for her sitting in the dark, reading in the car.  She didn't want to come visit me.  I should be living on my own.  She doesn't need me.  

At home now...

There's that and the fact that I need at least $300 to pay my student loans.  I think I barely make that at Subway.  I keep making the case that I need a full-time job, but does a full-time job need me?  What space could I fill, lacking in character, education and experience?  I'm pretty depressed about trying to find a full-time job for whatever the reason.  

And I keep failing "life tests."  You know those things that you come across in life that build character?  Yeah, those.  They say that there's no failing, one path leads to another...but really?  Do I want to be successful?  I say yes, but only because I have to be successful to pay off my student loans.  

But I can't think about how much I need a job and work on a job search at the same time for whatever reason.  My urgency doesn't translate.   I keep trying to put the two together and my case doesn't hold solid for whatever reason.  It's like I mature my urgency and at the last minute thieves come and lift it right off the top of my head, like I'm in some sort of processing plant. 

I feel myself grow sarcastic.  It's not like I needed that or anything.  I only cultivated it, fought for it, sorrowed over it, pruned it and fertilized it.  Not a biggie.  I don't need it to help me find the right job, the job that will save me from whatever happens when you don't pay your student loans.  I don't need it to find the right job, the job that will save my mom and I from ourselves. 

Moving on, life comes fast and always changes direction.  

I'm getting a cramp in my shoulder, night's coming on fast.  I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow. Sayonara.   

I think I'm a periodic insomniac.

You know those people who have medical problems but never go to the doctor?  That's me.  In my family if you had a problem, you toughed it out and didn't go to the doctor, unless you had swallowed a penny or a tiny battery.  I used to get terrible stomach aches and I'd be soothing my stomach while sitting over the toilet and I didn't even think to tell my parents.

Also, recently I was initiated into the world of yeast infections.  I never realized that I had yeast infections until I talked to my doctor about it and she they are fairly common.  I just took everything in a stride and thought that I was normal, when in reality I had been having yeast infections pretty much from when I was a kid.

So when I have trouble sleeping, I know it's because I slept to much the day before and don't really consider it a medical problem, the insomniac and the hypersomnia parts.  I'm too much of a bum to find out what's wrong at the doctor and I am on three psychiatric medications, so it might be side effects.  I've been using home remedies for helping me get to sleep.

I feel like if I claim at the doctor that I have a problem, I'll be saddled with a label and a disease, but if I just ignore the problem, maybe it will go away.  I think a lot of Americans are like this.  That's why we think we don't need health insurance.  If I don't think I need help, maybe I really don't need help when I need it.  Kind of silly, but we like to take a gamble.

So I can't sleep some nights, and those nights, I take some 1 Thessalonians 5:6 and attempt to take the position of a watchman for the sword falling upon the land.  Things are mostly peaceful here in Arlington, but you never know.

Ephesians 6:12

12 For our wrestling is not against ^1ablood and flesh but against ²the ^brulers, against the authorities, against the ^cworld-rulers of ³this ^ddarkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the ^4eheavenlies.

I put a lot of emphasis on waking up early, and the best way to be awake early in the morning is never to go to sleep.  My friend quotes me, saying, "Sleep is great if you can catch it,"  and that's pretty much how I feel about sleep.

Today

Today has been hot in September, but there are clouds promising more cool fronts on the way on the horizon.

Went to the lake for a meetup that I had spontaneously joined last night.  Sunset canoeing, but it turned out they cancelled and I didn't get the message.  There were a lot of people at the lake though.
Skyped with Xander and Sayward and Mom.  Was nice, I guess.  Gets on my butt about having kids of my own.  He was blowing bubbles and loving it, super extroverted, so great!

Mom and I got coffee driving down to the lake.  Coffee's not so special anymore.  Sort of ordinary and part of my past.  I wish we could go to smoothie king, but changing things on mom is hard for her to grasp.

Trying to catch up for lost morning time with writing and reading.  I have a writing goal sheet that I have printed and I am hoping to stay faithful to it, even if it's just for a month.

Trying and failing at control.  Learning to accept a greater lack of it or a difference of control.

 You guys don't know what comments mean to me.  If I spoke to you even a little, speak out!  Shout!  I'd love to hear what you think.  I really don't know who gets this so unless you are embarrassed of me, which I think a lot of you are, comment.

Today: Everything is fine.

Nothing happened today.  I went to work and it was fine.

I came home and everything is fine.

I didn't take a shower when I got home.  I get kind a weird before my days off and don't shower after work.  I need to stop avoiding showering but sometimes I like going Hobo.  I did change clothes.

The birds are fine.  I worry the female is a little weak.  And Bojo has way too much bird sex.

Mom has a headache on that side of the head that I always get a headache on.  The left.  Weird.

Talking to Vinter and Ryan on Facebook.  Nice people.

Bored as a tomato.

Trying to motivate myself to do something worthwhile.  No energy to do it.

In which I am Curious about The Gas Shortage, Furious at the Devil, and Loving my Veggies

Facebook today is all everyone's running out of gas.  But I haven't seen businesses closed because of the shortage.  Everything seems too be good.  Who knew that the hurricane would affect our lives in a secondary sort of way?  I still walk to work, so good there, but when will things get back to normal?  When will we be free of the shortage of gas?

Something really upsetting came out of my Facebook feed.  A boy who had been constantly abused and after he died was fed to pigs.  I really really really hated reading about this.  It reminded me of this kid I was taking care of while I was an infant teacher.  He had some bruises, so I brought it up to the director.  We asked the mother what was going on and she said they were burns.  They were most certainly not burns.  So I went and filed a report online with Child Protective Services.   They called and talked to me and said they were probably just a birthmark.  I don't know what happened to that kid, but he better not end up like this other kid.  It makes me want to call the CPS again to reemphasize what went on.  I was not very "with it" at that point in my life but I feel angry that the CPS people were trying to play it off.  What was the benefit of pretending these things didn't happen?   The kid could get seriously injured.  Seeing that article on that kid reopened that wound for me.  I still remember his name.  And he had a little sister.  They said that they had had some reports about that family before, so this wasn't new.  I was reading that there was a lot of reform for social services in the newspaper, but apparently, this isn't uniform, everywhere.

Moving on to a more happy topic, Whole Foods is about to become my favorite store ever.  Amazon lowering prices sounds like the best birthday present ever for this vegetarian.  I just wish there were more of them.  Or more Sprouts in strategic places.  We've been going to Kroger for produce, but the produce section is so small.  I feel guilty getting so much good food from the produce section and looking at the cheap prices.