In which I wish I had a job. and really just talk about my current job

I just really want a job.

I know, I know, I have a job.

I have a great job.  I have a great job that little me would be proud of big me to be having.

But ever since my dad left for Kyrgyzstan, I haven't had a job.  I've been separated from my little self, stopped growing, stopped believing in myself or anything else.  And I know what's happening because it happened in 2005, when he left for the Middle East the first time.

It was harder then, I had more expectations for myself, I was in college, going to church full time.

Now I'm just waiting and watching and hoping in fear that I won't (in the words of the late, great Shirley Temple) crack up.  Kill myself.  I still have my plan, kind of an exit strategy, you wouldn't understand unless you had mental illness, why someone would have a plan.  It's just there in the back of your head, if the hell gets too bad, you can action it out and get help for the bad stuff.  It's really just a silent scream that you hope the spirits see and when they do, they will stop harassing you.  "Look!  She's killing herself...that's how bad you made her feel!"  Something like that.

So I want a job, but I don't have any sense of authority.  Absolutely none.  I couldn't put myself under anyone if I tried.  Completely impossible.  I guess people think that if you don't believe in God, and if you've had your dad manage your spiritual life from a child and then he leaves and starts to act out Satan in your life, not through his fault, just cause we America and we don't let in ex-pats, thus everything I get from him is slant, then you can't really be under anyone's authority.

I'm so so so so so so so so so afraid I'll lose my job.  One day wake up and not be able to get out of bed because the hate is so physically strong that my weak body can't resist it.  Has that ever happened to you?  I once tried to go into my job but the hate feeling was so strong that I had to call my boss and quit because I couldn't shake that feeling.  When my dad was here, that fear was gone. I always had someone to count on to help me with that hate.  Now he's gone.  He was very good at making the hate turn into love and I think the hate turns in to love through hurt and pain.  I just don't know if I can do the same.  It's like Megan Making Megan Making Mgan Making Megan.  Kinda makes me nauseous.
I was afraid I'd lose my job before this.  But somehow things went on and I didn't die and I'm still at my job.  Now I'm even more afraid I'll lose my job.

Will I go back on disability?  I'm not super depressed I just have really really really bad luck.  The church probably hates me and you know how that goes.  Once a group of really bored determined people gets together to hate you, you pretty much are doomed.

Every time I go to my room and lie down on the bed, the hate rises up. I even got a new mattress.  No help.

I can't control my time or my feelings.  I keep doing things like this....Thinking that my typing here, or enjoyment of a show there is more important than my job tomorrow.  I don't think this consciously, I'm just in the moment and I just keep sucking the feelings, feelings which may come out of the communal pool.  I hate it.  I can't predict the future.  There are no men in my life.

No dad, not really a brother, no friends, no relatives, no males where I work.  I feel so alienated from great universal maleness.

So I want a job. A job where I can come under authority.  or a job where I don't have to come under authority?  Is there one of those things yet?  Please comment below.

Where I get out all my feelings

So it's like this.  Your dad fed you when you were a kid.  Spaghetti.  When he wasn't around you felt his presence, like a guiding light. Even when he was wrong he was right.

Now he's not there anymore.  He's on the other side of the world.

Now he's not there to metamorphize double lipid bilayers with you.   True loneliness sets it, a kind of red/black miasma that reminds you of ebola patients puke.  You are lonely for him and the other people that he touched are lonely for him and you meet in a disappointed middle, and sucking at each other create a huge vacuum.

Then you don't have a period for a month.  It's not because you're pregnant, but possibly that you could never be pregnant.  I don't know how periods work.  You're mom is a vegetable, practically, incapable of feelings, or considering how other people work.   She is selfish and mirroristic.  How can you love a mirror?  Maybe you don't shoot a mockingbird, but you don't share your life with one either.  You want to get out her real feelings, but when you do, she loses a part of herself permanently, and has gaps in concentration, in which at first you reveled as you winning the epic battle against the parental units, but now you worry because is she going senile?  I think I need my mom, but is she even my mom anymore?

So you're father has left physically for the other side of the world.  He keeps trying to break you to make himself feel better.  Other people are clamoring for more of your father that you can't provide. You are clamoring for more of your father that he can't provide.  Your mom's going senile.  Your sisters on a pleasure cruise in California and your brother never gives an inch.  Just takes one.  He and Sayward and Marlene have the same selfishness, that ever awes you because you used to give up your life for anyone at a the tip of a hat.

So to make yourself feel better for not having a dad or even really a mom or sister or brother to depend on, you write a post, trying to grow antigens, antibodies, something to make this feel better.  Because all these people who loved your father, thought he was you and keep trying to make you make them feel this way, that they felt.  I just don't have enough.

I had a huge long post dropout 7 year long depression in which things were wrenched out of my being that I didn't even know were there.  Then 5 years of light happiness, where I reverberated from slightly happy on the outside to slightly abnormal.  Then two years of sheer relief from my dad being home and me thinking that I actually could get a job.  Now I'm thrown....where? Into the pit of despair, again.

I stopped believing in the bible.  because Genesis makes no sense.  I get that there are rules and that people should have them and there is right and wrong, I'm not immoral.  I believe in Jesus because look at his miracles, he was pretty real.  I just can't support something that I don't believe.  And that's finally come to a head.  Sorry, church people who love to redeem us sinners from the world, that's just how it is.  The creation story doesn't make a lick of sense.  Yay, the terrorists win.  Actually I think they also have a pretty strange origin story, themselves.  Also, I really think that people who are in the church who leave are expected to swear a lot.  I really don't like swearing, if you want someone to swear for you, pick someone who does heavy metal or is a Satanist or something like that.  I really don't like swearing, even if it's for one of ""God's angels."  You know what I mean.

I feel a little better.  I think they were just looking for profound honesty about myself that I can't really always do.  Especially of late.  I keep floating.  I'm like a cloud.  And something about daffodils.  Jk.  Poetry nerd joke.  What I'm trying to say is that I'm not an honesty machine.  I have to hide from the world too.  I'm not super profound.  I feel like people want me to get depressed all the time, so I have something profound to share with them.  On the other hand, there's people who want me to be happy all the time.  No thank you.  I'd like to stay mostly neutral with some sides of sadness and happiness, occasionally.  I'm sorry if you haven't matured to this level yet and you don't understand it.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone.  I get that I get to talk here and you have to listen, which may be why I prefer talking here than trying to communicate with others.  It's not much fun being run over.  If you have an insight that I don't have, feel free to write a comment.  Save your fellow readers.  I'm not the only person in the world.

Update: I got my period!  Felt so much better.  Thanks for listening. Double lipid bilayer.