I'm starving.  I've been skipping lunches because of my work shift and am alternately befuddled and grateful.  Confused because I don't want to be a starvation all the time, but happy cause I'm losing weight.

I'm hangry and tired.  Great combination.  I made a to do list with forumlaic intentions, measuring urgency, importance, time, reward, and punishment and my motivation got worse.  I was being pushed to exercise this morning and my head didn't want to do it.

I need to clean the bathroom.  I don't want to move.  I just want to be stationary.  Like barely move. The house is free ing.  Very cold.  It says 74, but it feels way below that.  i also need to exercise. Don't want to do that.  Feeling very la y and sad.  Sad at the loss of everything.

Made a fro en meal and some popcorn.  Should tide me over.

Feeling #blessed.

 I need to wash the dog and the bathroom.

Ninja's losing weight too, on this regimen of two cups of food a day. I sneak her food.

Ate some food, gonna go take a nap.  feel like a  oo animal.  Nothing to do but eat and lay in the sun.
Tired and lonely.

Ordinary Day

My fingers Hurt.  I cut my fingers today, accidentally.  It's hurts a little typing, so I'll be brief.

Listening to ole' Jack Johnson.  

Had some luscious warm cocoa complimented by my mom's herbal tea, watching Wheel of Fortune. Boring, but coZy.  Ninja relaxing because her people are here.  

Prepped for the weekend.  

Jesus Life, Money Life, Mom Life,

I'm staying up tonight.  If I sleep later than 12, I'm just not going to try to sleep at night because I know it'll be ridiculous.  I have so much work to catch up on.

I slept in til 3 today and I still can't figure out how to wake up in the mornings.  I listened to my alarm go off and listened to my mom come home, half-awake, but didn't get up until a few hours later.  

I woke up all grumpy and the minute I sat at my desk to have a morning time with the Lord Jesus, everything turned around. But the thing is, I didn't want it to turn around, I wanted to deal with my dirtiness, my muddiness and my death before God.  So I was very frustrated that He turned everything around.  The Lord has His great doings and His turning personality and I have my small doings, and my coming to the Lord, dirty personality.  He says, I want to cleanse You, and I say, I want to stay in my dirtiness a while,  I just thank the Lord Jesus that He is hurrying me to realize that I can't waste my time.  I have to be one who is redeeming the time according to His will and His way.

I have $6.00 in cash, and $16.42 in Paypal, that I can redeem by a check. I'm going to wait until I make at least $50.00 to redeem it, because any amounts before that seem a waste of paper.

My mom gets home tired and is probably going to the grocery store tonight.  I asked her to get lentils, soymilk and frozen peaches. I also gave her a coupon for soap. We need more Dove soap, even though she has has a hidden stache, I think.  I could ask her, but relations between me and my mom have been breaking down as of late.  The conversation doesn't flow like it should, anymore. I'm going to work on it.  Sometimes it's difficult to talk to her because she can't hear very well and asks, "What?" in a loud voice.  It's kind of funny.  I know she's getting older and I have to be appreciative of this fact.

Problems and Solutions

What's up with me?

I've been avoiding my bed and sleeping on the couch.

I think it's because the couch is more comfortable than the bed.

The bed has a dip in it.  A purple dip.

It's strange, when I come to write, I feel like all I have to do is complain.

Complain about the purple dip, the fact that I'm missing a meeting I was invited to tonight.  Missed out on all day.  That I can get up and eat breakfast and then against all my wishes go back to sleep, missing out on the whole day.  My real family who cares not a whit about me.

My trouble-making dog/baby.  That I have to collect the trash and empty the recycle bin.

But mostly that I didn't get up and I can't sleep in my bed and I can't decide whether to stay up or go to sleep.  And that I missed the home church meeting.

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After dealings with the Lord
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But I can take all these problems and make them into blessings.  The Lord Jesus is on the throne and if I just take Him as my life and everything, and ignore my bad feelings, God has a way.

I was reading about Tyre and Sidon in Ezekial, and God really hated them.  He hated Egypt, as well.  Since Tyre was so boastful and interested in making itself beautiful and great that he considered them as Satan and vowed to destroy them. 

I know often I can, in my distraction, try to make my house as beautiful as possible.  As functional and happy as possible, but I think God doesn't want to make my house beautiful and great.  He just wants me to have a house that has Godmen in it.  A God house, not a good house.