Notice

If you read my How I Got a Job blog, I have changed it's privacy level to private.  If you want to be considered for the readership, email me at megan.elizabeth.coker@gmail.com. 

Tired of No Rights

They say never go to the grocery store when you are hungry.  I think it is the same with writing when you are sad.  Sadness begets sadness, happiness begets happiness. 

but sometimes the injustices you face are too much.  Hulu.  I paid for a subscription and now they say they don't have my e-mail in the system?  Is that a joke? 

And the page I got to says that they will look it up by my credit card number?  Are you kidding me?  Ugly Betty. 

And I go to the counselor because I felt bad.  They recommend that I quit school and go to a hospital.  I've been way more depressed than this.  I feel like they are just trying to get rid of a non-traditional student. 

It's these blurred lines.  It's like you could almost fight for your rights, but not exactly.  It's like someone nicely saying they hate you. 

The Hulu thing, I think I can, but the school counselor telling me go to a hospital, is more subtle.  You can't say, oh they don't want me to go to school.  I'm just sick of hospitals.  11 in 12 years, that averages to about once a year.  I'm not mentally unstable. Just sad.  And I have poor social skills.  That's all. 

This is a pity party to me, but when you're rights are infringed what do you do?  My right to pay for something and have it be there.  My right to an education. 

My mom was very brave to talk to me today.  She is very bad at it, but it's nice to know someone can sit for a second and think about me. 

Sabbeths

I feel like making laws and commandments.  For myself, and practically for others.  They are practical laws, thought up by a practical person.  

The law is:  Sabbeths. 

They are on Saturday, despite the differences in the Gregorian/Jewish calendars. 

Should we rest?

For our health.  For the blessing. 

Should we not rest? 

John 5:17.  But Jesus answered them, My Father is working until now, and I also am working.  This was in response to those who wanted to kill Jesus because He was working on the Sabbath.

All the Old Testament ordinances are there to prolong life to add to life and to shelter the Jews until he could come for His people.  A child-conductor. The new testament ordinances are to spread the Gospel of God.  The Old Testament is the flesh and the New Testament is the ordinances of the Spirit. 

So should we follow the Old Testament or the New Testament? Is there a both? 

I'm leaning towards the Old Testament, only because I'm not spiritually deft enough to know when the Father is moving and how the gospel is going out. 

I'm afraid to work.  I don't believe I have enough energy to work.  Lack of faith.  Also I have a lot of hate to deal with.  I don't take things seriously enough.  I don't want to offend anyone.  And there's a lot of work that the Lord wants to get done that I just don't understand enough to take up the reins.  I don't want to keep failing and failing at God's work.  I have a lot of excuses.  I feel like I'm too different from the workers of Christ. 

So I would choose the New Testament if I wasn't a old 31-year-old gal, who needed rhythms and repetition, who's flesh was failing.

So Old Testament it is.  Until I understand resting in a more complete way.   If I follow the resting of creation, maybe I will understand better resting when God rests from the work He has done. 

What's important in life?

What is important in life, is to play a character.  To be a tool.  To function in some capacity.  To be someone, somebody.  Even a no-one is someone.  To have a name. 

I really don't feel like writing. The atmosphere is oppressive and the burning in my throat is painful. 
Now I'm just sad about the computer gnomes.  They are the little people that make the computer work.  They like to share mushroom mead with the mind gnomes.  Those guys that make my mind work.  I'm not crazy.  The gnomes are crazy. 

It's a lot of fear holding me back. 

Fear is a good propellant, but the problem is that it often backfires and has no control.  Like oil in the ground, it has to sit for a billion years to solidify into oil and be refined into gas.  Ah, gas.  I'm still not over the double meaning even though it's been to long. 

And watching Ugly Betty.  They emphasize every word like nobody's business.  Which helps because I think I'm going deaf.  I won't admit it to anyone. 

Stupid Evil is Lindsey Lohan's contribution to the show.  I've been attributing those dungeon and dragon labels to people lately.  Well a bastardization of them.  Chaotic Good, Lawful Evil and so on.  It is alignment.   Today I'm Neutral Neutral, falling into Neutral Evil. 

I'm struggling with a lot of internal issues right now. I wanted to call a friend from church, but the air was too thick and I couldn't think.

Speculation, speculation.  I read somewhere that we shouldn't speculate.  I think it was a church leaflet, but I can't remember and it's really bugging me.

To explain all the selfish ramblings sometimes I just want to talk about myself, because I'm stuck with me. I'd like to talk about other people.  I can't seem to dial myself to other.  It's like that setting was erased.  I have Me, Mother, Dog, and School.  And all these are related to me.  So.  This is a disclaimer for those people who are wondering. 

I think I miss my old boyfriend.  He was always up for my speculation, getting everyone together to take care of everyone. 

I remember watching Ugly Betty in high school, and I can't seem to place the years that it spanned. 

I think Ninja needs a man owner.  I love my dog, but I'm a boring mom who can't drive  to the dog park.  We're getting obedience lessons, it will have to do.  I do what I can.  I want her to be ok around other dogs.  She is ok around other dogs, just not paying attention and focused.  but who am I to say anything, ADD queen. 

I have anxiety.  At the hospital they encouraged me to take those anxiety pills, and I love being relaxed, but I can't stand the thought of taking more pills than I take anyway.  I'm trying to get off them. 

I love being with people, but I can't stand how it feels alone after I'm alone after being with them, I can't focus on my goals, and I'm torn to pieces.  I don't like a lack of control. Nobody does, really.  I guess you could focus on their goals.  I guess it helps to know them.  Also there's the God aspect.  I keep thinking about all the nuns in the world.  All those good eggs wasted on the Lord.  Those divine seers living in a closet and cutting off their hands for God.  Sometimes it feels so done.  Don't get me wrong, I love God.  But I don't want to be a babbling idiot for God...I want to be one of the awesome ones.  I don't know how they do it week after week and year after year.

I'm all rotten and corrupted, because of my unsavory past.  Sometimes the character that I feel is easiest to play is the villan.  I don't even know how, but I'm thinking a hairy fuzzy monster or the psycho...But I don't know how well that plays into God and the Bible.  There's two women in the Bible, the heroine, the church and the bloodthirsty villan, Babylon the Great.  Who am I?   

I think I'm channeling my past boyfriend.  He was the one who was all sweet to me.  He's also very secretive and would hate for me to write this.  That's why I'm thinking about giving up on blogs for a while.  I feel guilty channeling people, even if it's my own bemusing.  Killed it. 

Feedback. Life. Bucket of Issues.

I don't get much feedback.  But recently, I heard that my blog was scaring my grandmother, bless her heart.  She's the only grandmother I have left and would love to preserve her safely in a box,  like those double Barbie toys we got one year and preserved it to sell later on E-Bay (I don't think they even had E-bay back then.)  She's got to be at least 87 and that's when my other grandmother passed.  So I'm trying to figure out how to savor the moments we have left.  Even though she didn't invite me to her house last Christmas. 

I didn't even know she read my blog, but I think this means I am on the right track. 

If anyone else hates or feels depressed or is even scared by my blog, by all means post a comment regarding your reservations and answer your feelings on my blog.  I want to know how my writing affects you.  Do you eagerly await a new post?  or do cringe at the mention?  I would like to know. Call it a life experiment if you will. 

So pretty much everything's horrible.  I am in school, but I can't get all uberstudious, because Really?  When am I ever going to use Communication Law, Trigonometry, or Russian literature?   I'm not going to use them. 

I'm really thinking of going back to UTA for a English degree/Communication Minor, and Psychology Masters  So why am I getting this degree first?  Principle.  And Practicality.  If I get this degree first and my learning mechanism conks out, I'll have this degree.  But if I try to get a two year degree and fall out of love with English...I'll be up a creek without a paddle. 

If I fail out after I've got my degree, well, I still have that degree to fall back on. 

*I've had to rescind some of my writing, because it talked about my mother and some of her problems.  The Bible says to honor your mother and father.  I agree with this, but I needed to talk about my problems with someone.  And this blog is all I have.  I'm reaching out to some people in my church, but I don't want to break any of their hearts with the problems I've had with her.  It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't. 


There's a whole bucket of issues with people and me, but I don't want to get into it right now.  All I know is that my mom has promised me that she will get another vehicle for me to drive.  Several times.  And if she doesn't and violates that trust I have in her.  I don't know what I'll do.  There's really nothing I can do, but beg the Spirit of Arlington to give me another job, run off and become a bum, or do nothing and watch tv the rest of my life like my poor Aunt Peggy.  

OR???? Become a truck driver.  I'm studying to pass my test right now.  Updates to follow. 

Crumpled feeling and Life, I wax poetic.

Today the uber strong and super woman is weak. 

Why?

Because I got used to being strong and weakness is a failure for me, not a success.     

Eating and staying awake and exercising and taking care of people was strong.  Strength in the small things.  Now I'm weak and wimpy like the tail of a curled up possum in the leaves.  I'm clean and white and small and weak. 

Like a white egg yolk, flimsy and fluid, retaining the shape of the container.  For someone or something else,  so bubbling in the heat from the frying pan.  I know each moment to be my last dance. 

So tired.  Faces, names, escape me.  I wish I wasn't watching this ice cold screen of white death.  Lost in a technological blizzard.  I no longer have the supporting cocoon of my mom's mom's love and my dad's dad's guidance.  We are left with barely a light to limp along with.  And mostly the darkness.

Time to go spend more time with myself.  Alone.   In the dark. Well, with a small, black dog.