Stuck in Transition

So.  I feel like it's not time to have a relationship. 

I think my whole family feels sorry for me, but I don't feel that way about myself.  But their image of me affects how other people feel about me, and I don't want other people to feel that way about me.  The other end of the spectrum is being bipolar and trying to take responsibility when I'm weak and trying to make people feel my happiness when I'm happy.  And never doing anything for myself because.

Maybe that's the only way to live. I don't know.  How can I go back?  One year of selfishness and I don't know how I can go back to being an emotion slave to people who don't care if I succeed.  People who would cheer if I did, but wouldn't be on my team.  You know?  People who are having babies and marriage pictures and don't understand the bitterness of a shipwrecked life. 

Like if I were to make a life team, a team for life, I don't have a single person that I can think of in the world that I would want on it.  A couple who come maybe close, but no one for solid.  I think it's because I would never come for solid for anyone.  Part of it's the bipolar, part of it's just ME.  I can't deviate from convention.  And unfortunately, convention states that I give up on people.   I mean the new convention.  The Bible, The Big Book, says love one another.  Not love others.  I never before understood this phrase.  You don't see it used very often.  To explain this you can put a "for" between one and another.  One for another.  This is seeing people spiritually.  Which is great if you can do it.  I can't.  At least not all the time.  I can but when I go into the depression hole, I go alone, and no one can follow. 

I had a breakthrough though, a week ago.  I had been putting my depression first, not God.  So I switched things around.  You can't serve God and psychology. 

I used to be the biggest cheerleader at church camp and I've tried to expand that into helping people.   People at work, people at church, people I pass in Hobby Lobby.  In college, I was really involved with people.  Now I can't find the connection.  Maybe I'm in transition and I should be patient with myself.  Everyone who is stressed should pause and have some self-compassion on themselves.  They are trying to do the impossible.  They should pause and let the impossible come to them. 


Sometimes I have to write it out because I'm all edges and can't hear myself think.  I hope this helps "one another" and not just me.  I have a lot of stuff to go through and I want to share my thoughts, because I know a lot of you read this to find out more about me. 

I feel like I'm in that subway train station in the movie The Matrix.  I'm in transition, but it threatens to take up the whole rest of the movie.  I don't want that to be my life.  Stuck in Transition. 

I'm not ready for a relationship.  But I don't want to be Stuck in Transition. 

Heya! It's a coffee and Fleetwood Mac kind of morning!

Hey everyone.  Michelle Roach had a post saying it's a coffee and Fleetwood Mac kind of morning.  So I took a piece of her recommendation and am currently listening to Fleetwood Mac. Brings me back to home. 

I'm crying right now, but I'm not sure why.  Not outwardly crying.  Kind of just this hurt feeling inside.  Not really sure where it came from or what to do with it.  Go to college, maybe?  :) 

Then I would have to decide what to do with the rest of my life and I'm still haven't dropped the mic with that one. 

Feeling kind of hungry because it's almost dinner time.

Practicing Spanish on Duolingo.  The site has all sorts of Languages, such as Russian and Spanish.  it's pretty elementary, so if your looking to learn a language in a simple kind of way, you should try it.  I think it's a bit harder with languages that don't use the English Alphabet, but it's still worth a try if you are just beginning.  Say I sent you.  I'm on level 15 with Spanish.   Level 6 with German, Italian and French. 

I have not exercised today.  I've been doing 30 second planking, 5 situps and 5 pushups whenever the mood strikes me.  They don't get me sweaty so there's no need for a shower.  And I can do them anywhere where there's room and furniture to hold my legs down for situps.  It's not like sustained aerobic exercise, but at least I'm getting stronger.  I think that's my goal for exercise.  Not to be less fat, but to be stronger.

Laziness

This is something I've been making up in my head for a while.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When you are lazy everything is wrong.  Everyone hates you.  People don't help you become less lazy.  It's not looked at as a disease.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I read a book about a procrastinating duck when I was a kid.  It scarred me for life.  I'm serious, I took that book as gospel truth.  Everyone hates someone who procrastinates, someone who is lazy.  And I hate myself when I am lazy.  I don't know which comes first, the self-hate or the laziness.  Maybe they are symptoms of the same disease.  Maybe the air is just stale.  Maybe I've lived too long in the same place.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I keep looking at it like a detective.  Why am I so lazy and a procrastinator?  And then I think this is the reason: there are some things I could do that would be positive during the day, like sell AVON or exercise and I could have gone to a church meeting tonight, but when I thought of it, it was too late, but I am so infatuated with the idea of getting up early in the morning, like it's some miracle cure and that I am a bad person for not waking up in the morning and I don't deserve to do anything, that I don't do anything.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I think that I am a bad person.  I don't deserve to do anything.  Every single day, I have to convince myself for hours that I'm a good person and worthy of having enough energy and motivation to do anything.  Isn't that sad?  I just watch comedy videos all day, after lying in bed and thinking an hour after I wake up.  And I blame me, because no-one else witnesses my laziness except for me.  I'm basically soul masturbating.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I keep trying to feel bad about something, because other people feel bad about stuff, but I just don't.  It's like I have no emotions.  And then I'm ashamed at how boring my life is at my counseling appointments.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I keep getting discouraged when I think about contacting other people, because I feel like I'm terrible at it.  And I feel like I gave away my ability to connect with others to someone else.  I feel like there's no point in connecting with others, because there will always be a man behind me telling me what to do and how to feel.  Sometimes, I feel like I would make a good lesbian.  But I also know how boring that would probably be, and it would drive away my family and I wouldn't have the kids I want.  Just because I hate men, doesn't mean I shouldn't marry one, right?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I feel like this whole weird speculation is drawing attention away from the more boring, but bigger main problem, that I am lazy and a procrastinator.  Cause you're not going to even notice your foundation if there are no problems with it, but if there are problems, your whole house is going to be affected.  So if my laziness is keeping me from achieving my dreams and making something of my life, every day of my life is going to be like this.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Like I said, I feel like everyday, for hours, I have to convince myself that I'm a good person who deserves anything. Motivation, love, food. I feel a strong pull to put myself onto a dating site.  I could be with someone for a few months.  It wouldn't last because I'm lazy.  I never want to do any work in the relationship, even if it's for a positive result for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Lazy could sum up my life.  If this has horrified you, because you are my relative and you are ashamed to be related to me, please comment, it might motivate me a little.  Thinking that I am the only person to care what I think is one of my problems.  If I was working for someone else that might mean something.  If you care, comment, too.  Don't think that I'm going to take them badly.  This post is a cry for help.  I feel like I am undone.  Don't be afraid you will break me with whatever horrible thing you might say, I have been through a lot.  You can also private message me, if that feels better if you have Facebook at Megan Coker.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I want to stop being lazy.  I want to deserve and earn love, energy, and motivation.  How can you wisely invest, however, if you have no money?  I feel like for 14 years, I had a lot of attention, energy and love, even though about 11 of those were pretty bad.  But now I fear I don't have anything, or I have to convince other people to invest in me.  For hours.  I have barely enough energy to convince people or myself to invest in me, but when I get it I don't have the right hardware.  It's like I'm working with ancient hardware that doesn't have a electric plug to get any energy.  I need like a mule. to move around an ancient mill.  So I'm basically wasting my time trying to get anyone to invest in me because I don't have the right hardware.    And it's frustrating because I need their investment.                                                                                                                                                                            .I think I need to move to...Deleted for privacy...and go to ...also deleted... because that's where my mule is.  But how to make it day by day in Arlington, TX until I have enough money to make the investment?   I'm going to keep trying to wake up early.  I have made gains in this area.  I have started to wake up early, just haven't been able to stay awake.  Today I woke up and took my meds and started my breakfast before going back to bed.  I even set the alarm clock later in the morning so I could get up again. I don't know what happened with that.          This is me convincing myself that I deserve love, after flaking out on AVON, and exercise, and doing the responsible thing, looking for a job, and instead watching four hours of comedy from my bed and the couch.  Join me in my fight not to be a lazy, procrastinating slob!...and comment below.                                                                                                                                               

Hunky Dory.

I'm sitting here, enjoying a mid afternoon snack of chocolate and nuts, just went through my email, messily and selfishly, called to get my prescriptions, checked out what I needed to check and prepare with my job search notebook and made some plans for tomorrow.  The sun is shining outside, met the mailman at the mailbox, had some intriguing dreams and woke and got up in the AM.

Everything is wonderful.  But I suddenly realize that I have nothing to do.  There are those work-a-holics who say they never had nothing to do, please take some of my workload.  And there are some of those people who rest all the time in the spaces of having nothing to do.  That used to be me.  If I didn't have anything to do, I didn't realize it, I simply had no extra energy to do anything else.  I would lie on my bed or on the couch in the living room, staring at nothing and thinking for hours.  What has changed?  I don't believe in resting anymore?  Partially.  I have this extra energy and it's good for another 4-5 hours and I can make up things to do...

For example, writing.   Blogging, as, I'm doing here.  Emailing and texting people.  Social media.  Getting those old clothes matched to a repurpose project.

However, I want to do something for someone else.  Something that would make someone else happy.   I already cleaned the house somewhat, at least the floors, (and that's for my mom and I) but I'm at a loss for to what to apply this energy.  It seems strange to have extra energy.  Maybe it's dim, failing energy that would be better applied to a think and a rest, I don't know but is being falsely being sold to me as good energy.  Weird chickens.

I hope ya'll are doing well, Leave me questions in the comments, and I'll definitely answer them.