In Which When I Didn't Take Meds Affects Me Significantly

So I did it.  I decided to change to an English major and take two more years of this nonsense.  I'm at the same time ashamed and elated.  This is a miracle, that I know I can't afford.  I don't know what I'm doing and this is the worst way to make a decision, just on a whim.  I can't find any serious helpful mentor like people to put my trust into and faith that I'm making the right decision.  In fact, I know I'm making a bad decision and am thinking of reversing it.  That just makes sense, am I right?  What in the world am I thinking?  I have several good reasons for doing it, but in my life, for Me, it doesn't make sense.  I haven't told my mom yet.  I don't know how she'll feel.  How am I going to afford it?  Will there be financial aid?  What if I get into it and it's really hard, like the woman's literature class I took? 

In Which I Didn't Take Meds.

So I didn't take my medication.  The one with the dopamine receptor blocker?  I'm already tripping balls on dopamine.  Yay, hormones. 

I don't like what they do to us.  Experimenting with the human body to see if something works.  I don't like it and I refuse to take it anymore.  So I'm not taking Zyprexa or olanzapine as they call it now.

Not openly, of course, I will ask my psychologist when I go to the appointment, but this an experiment of my own to see how well someone would handle it. 

I shouldn't be doing this before my one final....I don't know what will happen.  But I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to shut it down and take the pill. 

I needed to tell someone, so dear readers, I'm telling you.  Don't tell anyone!  I promise I'll be safe.  People do trippy balls drugs all the time, so getting off a anti-psychotic shouldn't be that hard.  I hope the monsters stay away tonight because I don't know if I'm sleeping. 

Goal #2, Day 2 of Deliberations

I feel like my deliberations aren't really interesting.  They are already decided in the minds of those who matter.  And I somehow missed seeing what they were.  The future will pass us by...

I want to stop.  Stop going to school, but I've been having inner struggles, and the usual shameless "go to school" plugs.  How would my life change?  Should I wait until my kids are out of school, like my mom did?  Would it  be too big a change in life later from undegreed to degreed?  Stupid stupid problems. 

What about the world today?  What about isolated people who like to shoot people?  In my opinion we don't need guns.  Only the law enforcement and black market should have them.  People don't need guns.  America is not going anywhere, people.  There is no communist state.  These people don't vote at school board elections.  They don't vote for city elections, they don't exercise their civil rights.  They are separated from society.  We need more mental health checks.  I know I'd never want a gun, that I'd be to irresponsible with it.  My background doesn't show very much control over myself.  I know i'm irresponsible, so really lonely, mentally deranged people?  Yes, if to get a job you have to go through a mental health assessment, you should at least go through one to get a gun, that can kill people. 

Goal #2, Part 4

When I made goal #2, I was feeling betrayed by UTA for making classes so difficult that I couldn't pass them.  I felt like the professor was singling me out for failure, because I am a nontraditional student and I didn't trust her at all.  I felt like she didn't want me there, and that totally threw off my game.  I forgive her and all, but it was the worst feeling for my first class. 

I accidentally used the wrong poem on my first essay, but I thought that my second essay was pretty good, but I got the same grade as my first essay.  Before these essays I missed class for a week to go to the mental hospital.  It was frustrating, to say the least.  She counted off for the missed work and absences, which I totally understand. 

I got a bad start, but in my other classes there was no problems, and I made ok grades. 

So I was getting over educational heartbreak and a lot of other emotions as I wrote these goals.  But I still feel like I should keep them.  It's like I've been looking at the options so long that neither one make sense.  Should I do this or that?  Maybe it's because I've been looking at finishing or not finishing as DUMB goals or even GROW goals, but not SMART goals. 


Who?  Me and students and professors and the rest of our lives...
What? Finishing my degree. 
When?  Next semester, and in the summer, morning classes
Where? at UTA
How?through fin aid, by a car hopefully, through registering

I just don't want to go crazy.  I feel it coming on, insanity, in the back of my mind. 

I keep thinking what I will do after graduation will be different, but almost the same as what I do if I stop now.  I keep thinking about my energy and how that all will affect me, the school, my future. 

I'm worried that I will change, as a person.  Become more grumpy, or mean or nicer or what. 

Wondering what my secretary degree is worth. 

When Birds Die

Our deformed dove, Flappy died today. 

He was such a trooper.  He would scrabble around, flapping his wings trying to get from one place to the next.  One leg was straight out in back of him and the other was curled under him.  He had that since birth and we only noticed it when he was big enough to come out of the nest.  He at first seemed able to get around and he flapped up to the water and food dish, but we knew we would have to have a separate cage for him because the mom and dad got anxious, when there were too many birds around. 

It was really, really sad.  I think he lived his whole life in fear.  For about a month before his death, I would take him out at night and just kind of hang with him, wrapped in a towel.  It was like Tuesday's with Morrie.  He was this brave bird, this little flapping thing with no use except to be loved.  I felt that I got the most out of the relationship, though...  he showed me courage to be disabled in a changing world.  To live life even though everything about you is completely wrong and you don't have a chance. 

Good job in life, Flappy. 

Goal #2, Part 3 and Goal #2 1/2

I have been in all my classes and I feel the best thing for me to do is to finish at UTA, my University Studies Degree.  I'm not going to look to the left or the right.  I'll be taking 2 English classes so that will satisfy that desire for English that I have.  I may be taking 5 classes, I may be taking 4. I think I will take four and depending on whether I pass or not one or two classes in the summer.   

If that's even possible with financial aid. 

Then there's all this conflict to finishing with which I have to deal.  There's the question, Does this have a point?  Am I doing this for the greater good?  Will I even be able to handle the course load and all the pressures of class with everything else I and other people put on me?  Will this gift be acceptable to God, of all things to come last.  Will I die...miserable and alone?  An English or Communcations degree may be harder and longer, but I think University Studies degree is very difficult on it's own, spanning several disciplines.  Will I be able to stand seeing the same places and faces for a semester and a month? 

Is there a point to my secretary degree?  Did I learn anything useful?  Yes and no.  I learned a lot about my family and my life, some about other people, a lot about God.  Did I learn anything that could be turned into anything my tiny brain can think of as a job?  Probably not.  Except a secretary. 

Secretary Childcare jobs.  UTA Career Center, we need to have a talk.  A semester long talk.  

I know I know, I made this goal and now I'm going back on my word. 

First things.  This is not my word.  It is just my goal.  If I decide to change it is my prerogative. 

Secondly, right now I'm shooting for 87.5, if I take 8 goals into consideration (don't forget the 2 1/2!)  Times change and people change with it. 

Thirdly, I can look for that special someone while I go to school.  Can I?  I might lose all desire to find him.  Which is scary, but not as scary as the thought that I might be replacing him by getting a degree.  Hard choices.  He's not like someone with which I've cuddled.  You know,  I could find for who I'm really looking.  Is this like breaking up with someone over the internet?  Someone with which you've never held a conversation?  It's poignant that you're looking for someone, but if that someone. 

Ok, I've decided.  I'll do both.  Lol this is exactly how my crazy mind works.  I'll just do both.  And go insane.  or one will win or something, I feel too bad about either to choose. 

So search...actively or passively?  passive aggressively?  I think we've moved beyond those things.  Assertively. 

Goal #2, Part 2

I keep longing for the safe warm embrace of a large organization.  Is that weird?  I feel like my mom and my dad don't even recognize me as a person unless I'm a part of something big.  Kind of sucks. 

Well, that's what I'm talking about.  If I stop going to school, who's going to shelter the dickens out of me and annoy the dickens out of me, you know who you are! 

My dog is scrabbling around with her little claws, licking the floor carefully, trying to get the scent of a decent master.  She usually does not find me. 

And here, I am clicking away at an empty computer screen.  People gotta express if you know what I mean.  Gotta find the one.  The one reader to rule them all. 

Anys.  I've got this December window, where I can change my mind about school and go back.  I felt good about the English classes, like I had room to learn there.  Then I prayed about it and felt ok about everything but Trig.  I looked up tutoring for Trig and Bio and there is such.   Positive outlook. 

However, will I learn the things I'm supposed to?  Spying and deception?  Conversation and the art of seduction?  Probably never.  I will "mom" my way through life, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't join in on the conversation every once in a while. 

I'm going to give it some time.  Until the end of the December.  If I'm just going crazy by then and can't stand my mom or the house...I'll know.  It's for my sanity to get out.  Even though that probably could be satisfied by a job...

There's so many factors involved:  . 

Me, my health:  I, myself, went through a whole mental thing the first two weeks of classes, making me miss everything and certainly fail one class and probably fail another, doing wreckage to my gpa and consequently ruining me getting into graduate school.  Like I would know what to do with myself.  lol.  I'm just a lowly writer who has no control over what she writes.  At least I have fans!  

I have enough money/student loans to get me through 6 classes (or more) of UTA to finish this mutherfluffer.  I think that's mainly on my mind, but I get in with the students and they are just delightful!  I wish I wasn't such a mom and that I could be a more awesome student.  They have remedial writing and reading, I wish they had remedial conversation and public speaking.  But They say you only take away what you don't learn in college.  So that means I'm taking away a lot. 

My support and family is low.  I sort of quit going to counseling.  It was too easy for me. I'd go there, spew whatever was bugging me and it was a safe environment for me to talk, but I think I have too many problems that can't be fixed by therapy.  I almost felt like I couldn't burden him, alone with all the stuff I have to manage.  I know I know that's for what they are there. 

So I should go work on goal #1, instead of ruminating.  I shall forthwith dispense.  Adieu. 

Goal #1, Part 5

I get to campus.  Get on a compy and panic, panic, panic.  I feel like I don't have any material to work with, and I feel like I've been changing so much lately that I don't really deserve another change.  I don't know how that works in the real world, but that's how it works in my head. 


I feel like a trapped deer, wanting to bound out of my situation, which is weird, because I'm usually very comfortable with large groups of people. 


I can write this, but not the rhetorical situation of  my document.  What gives?  Mainly, I think this is personal, and I've been very impersonal this semester, so I'm due, but the impersonal, I've been using. 


More panic.  I'm drunk.   Pan, the god of drink. My arms are tensing up and I feel claustrophobic.


Mainly, I'm looking through things through the lens of my mother.  I'm not used to that, usually I ignore her opinions, but today I conceded, because I was sick of hating my professor, and she seemed reasonable.  Now I'm all off kilter.  Oh, well, finish me off, young students.  You won't be getting this later.  I'm out. 

...and back!  I want a soda.  I have this five year old in me who wants food and coffee and soda and candy, like 24/7.  I just want to club him over the head, sometimes. 

DHEAD BABIE SEAL! That reminds me of my dog and how she pretends to be a baby seal resting on an ice flow.  She does it when she's sad.  My dog is full of such nuances.  I love her dearly. 

I'm sitting outside on campus on a picnic table.  It's nice and cool, and the lighting isn't bad.  I am so grumpy feely. 

I'm worried about my brother.  He takes on too much and I haven't been doing enough for him at all.  Maybe that will be an amended goal. 

Also PC is driving me insane.  I feel it from the back of my being.  I really wish he would stop trying to control what he doesn't even care to understand.  I feel like all my real usual spiritual advisors have abandoned me, but maybe I have new ones.  No fun ones tho.  People my age are all about work. 

I find myself just complaining to the wind.  It flies back and hits me in the face. 

Goal #1, Part 4

So I finished my project #3, most of the presentation ( I might add and change things from it). 

I have to start writing differently.  Lately, I've been pouring my whole secret soul self into my writing and I can't do that with out some bad after effects.  The quality or tone of my writing may change and I hope this doesn't in anyway become a problem for some readers. 

I printed out all the labs (it wasn't a book, I swear, although it was thick enough). 

The main thing that I want to do for tomorrow is

Print the Flyer at Kinkos
Write the Design Memo
Scan the Original Document
Redo some of the presentation powerpoint (I don't know if I'll actually use these)

Drag myself to Women's Lit Class

Work on Physics Homework

...lol...shows how completely out of it I am.  Tomorrow's a Monday, not a Tuesday. 

Well I will do all these: 

Print the Flyer at the Copy Center
Write the Design Memo
Scan the Original Document
Redo some of the presentation PowerPoint

And if there's time, some Physics Homework. 

Whoah, totally just got distracted by seeing if there's such a thing as a blogger club in Arlington, tx.  I like blogging, but I need to see a face every once in a while.  There isn't tho, at least as far as first page results go. 

Then the Advanced Poetry Reading class, that I'd like to turn into a Meetup club, but I'm to chicken to do it.  They are so scary and young and intense.  I'm like, I can crank out a poem in seconds flat but it doesn't mean anything to me like it does to them. 

So there's my class.  Afterwards, I will be more than happy to go home and finish my Physics Homework, Get that lab note book started, Mainly, type that essay.  Yeesh! 

I am getting sick though, congested, and I sound like Darth Vader breathing, every other sniffle.  

This goal will probably only be partially completed because I can't figure out if I'm going to do the essay or not.  It seems like a lot of work for a failing class. 

Strange how the flies turn up when the honey's flowing.  Flies make me want to barf. 

Anyway, So I've got a plan.  It probably won't work out.  Does any plan?  I mean even God's plan for His people got derailed many times, through no fault of his own.  He had to experiment and plan. I think it's really more of guidelines, not strict rules for life, if you know what I mean. 

Goal #2, Part 1

Goal #2 Don't finish that last semester.  Why, because UTA sucks, that's why. 
Because It's worthless.  I guess I have to find Someone Special First. 

Haha!  You thought this one would be easy. I can just drop all my classes. 

Already, I'm feeling some regret and decrease in my desire just to quit.

Already, I'm thinking about adding classes back or, choosing different classes.  Something.  To keep in the loop and learn something.  I know I learned something this semester, that's why I'm so sad. 

Reasons keep popping up.  To be able to get better jobs.  To be around awesome intelligent people.   To get somewhere in life.  I have A SEMESTER.  A semester left to graduation.   Surely I can put up with the awfulness until then? 

And I just threw my cup of coffee away...and the rest of the pot.  Yay me. 

(Side note: SD keeps trying to kill my grandmother.  I'm pretty sure he killed two of them already... through his insane system of rules.  I want him to stop.)

I want friends I can talk to about this stuff, not a blog.  Sorry guys, as much as a love my readers, you aren't any substitution for face to face contact.  Besides the fact that you leave nil comments. (shameless comment plug)  I know you exist. 

It's just as hard to finish as it is not to finish.  I'm on this "making them proud" kick and it's hard to tell what makes them the most proud, finishing or not. 

Everything's the Worst that it Could Be

Yesterday I was supposed to do a lot of things, I didn't.  I sort of promised God. 

So today, when I woke up in the morning, it was like a miracle.  I never wake up in the morning so clearly, so when I decided to go back to bed it was a denouement.  I woke up around 4 in the afternoon.  You just have to know my previous history of frustration and not being able to get up in the mornings. 

I would berate myself all day for not waking up and then the next day sleep late all over again.  I think the worst part of it was that it was inexplicable and I couldn't control it.  I slept in and missed appointments and worse.  I even chose classes so I could sleep in the morning. 

Getting real, people. 

So today was like a dissapiontment, that I couldn't stay up in the morning, but went back to bed. 

And there was homework that I could only do at the school, so as soon as possible I went and "amazing" finished most of my work. There was a baby there, too. I don't know about how I feel about babies, but I'm 31 and my biology is ticking.  Kind of made me sad, but a little happy, too. 

So on the way home, my mom and I argued, as usual, everything got tight and frustrated and I sort of realized how little people care or love me.  Also the two facedness of everyone.  I go to the bathroom and punch the wall three times.  My mother's voice is like a whining mosquito in my ear and I plug my ears not have to listen to her. How stuck I was in my situation was made clear.  31 year old woman, living at home.  Not brave or motivated enough to say hello to a mouse.  No previous contacts that could or were willing to help her. 

I come home, do the dishes, and start crying and kind of this weird little moaning.   I don't know what that all was about, but I was glad when it was over. 

I call a sister, but she calls back and has to go after a minute. 

And now I'm drinking coffee again.  One of my worst bad habits I'm trying to get over.  Everything is the worst that it could be. 

Goal #1, Part 3

So I check out my text, the interview with Gail Simone and there's just a smidgen of ham in there, with mostly spam.  I'm panicking.  Should I just quit, should I just quit?  Is a major theme, like the little engine that could, chug-a-chug, in my brain.  I think about going in and complaining to my mom about my problems, maybe get some sympathy points there, but I resist.  I don't want to complain. 

My thesis is set upon the fact that sexism is alive in the comic book industry.  However, in her interview she states twice that sexism is not the issue.  Ignorance and a lack of care are the issue. 

I don't see how to write an essay on this.  Am I supposed to pull from various sources?  I can do that.  I don't see how to write an essay on this as a textual narrative though.  I'm not sure where to begin. 

Essay Guidelines, of course. 

"3 page essay analyzing some aspect of the text as life narrative relating to women’s work."

I check out the Narrative Smith and Watson reading and I find that I really didn't read it as carefully so that it would stick with me, but just jotted down title heads, to make notes. I'll have to re-read the texts and find things that could help me analyze the text.  I wish I started sooner, but I have until Tuesday.  2 more days.  Very full days.  There was that nap earlier, so maybe I'll stay up doing this. 

This is going to be really, really difficult.  For a class I'm already failing.  Personal satisfaction?  ACE.  I know most of this is boring as stone to ya'll, but sometimes the battle is inside. 

So, I jot down some notes from Smith and Weston's Reading Autobiography and flip through the interview, seeing if any dots connect, or ideas match up. 

6:11 pm. 

Hit another road block.   I have the ideas, the concepts, the bare bones down, but none of the flowery creative stuff that we writer's like to call ether.  It's like trying to build the White House with toothpicks.  And not a model to scale, but the real thing.  I've hit writer's block, I'm drawing a blank.

Scary thing for a writer, to run out of words.  or just new material, or old recycled material that doesn't mean anything.  But this is less cruel than "We just don't want you."  It's more like "You are unable."  Which is absolutely not true.  I am able.  I've already fought the "We just don't want you" enemies, I have barely begun to define or fight this "you are unable."  It's like being in a solid white sinkhole.  You can't climb up the sides, because the stuff's just too soft and it's like putty.  You're not over anything, but you're not under anything either.  That's just how it feels.  Like you're in the woods and it's softly snowing and there isn't any sound but the wind, blowing over your cold soon to be corpse of a body that you have hidden in this snow cave you dug to wait for your rescuers. 

ok taking a mandatory break.  it's the witching hour! 

8.33 pm

Back and feel like a stuffed baked potato.  Really feeling bad about not doing that stuff I was supposed to do, today. I don't have an excuse, really. 

Strong I don't want to do anythings, pushing at me.  

I feel like I prepare to the middle, whence then I start to dismantle all that which I have pared.  It makes a nice tent, but there's no substance. 

I'm grumpy and lonely for people.  I just want to stuff my face with people.  I know that sounds weird, but I think everyone out there wants community and relationships. 

-narrowed eyes- We both look pregnant.  You know who you are.  lol.  

I think I have to get less gross.  This is kind of hard to do....

Anyway.  The thing is.  I am absolutely convinced that I cannot write this essay as of right now.  But at the same time.  I want to play with it.  edit the bonkers out of it.  I'm too sober editor, less drunk writer.   

Probably because the Lord is editing me out of the church life!!!!! DUN, DUN, DUN.  I don't believe he'd ever do that, but He did mention something called outer darkness.  I just feel dumb when there's these people who are super spiritual and, I recognize something they do from the Bible, and it's like I've known these guys for years...(Paul, Matthew, Peter and John), and I think they are superb.  Try some grey poupon? 

Super editor turned on.  What do I do with that? 

I think I'm going to bed. 

Goal #1, Part 2

Ok, so I've read part of the interview and I started falling asleep.  Which was great because I'm tired, (stayed up all night) but not so great if you're trying to write an essay.  Moshing through the interview, and I set it down for a second to gauge sleepiness and I feel more heart tremors coming on.  I cannot do this. 

I don't know what to do.  There's a creeping woman in that yellow wallpaper and she wants to get out. (From "The Yellow Wallpaper," Gilman).  I don't know that would give my life up for some essay, no matter how profound. 

The thing is, it's not the essay.  It's my professor confused about me and me doing nothing to dispel it.  (not completely true, I tried talking to her during office hours and emails)   It's my dad hating education.  It's me promising to myself that I would do that Project #3 today and nothing else.  It's my mom dropping out of her Master's degree.  It's an It's not a who. 

Maybe if I was writing the constitution of the United States of America,for that document was worth dying.  Megan's college essay on sexism in comics.  Nah. 

Now I'm convincing myself I shouldn't write an essay.  This essay. 

New PSAs - Essays kill people more than drugs do. 

I want to write an essay.  This essay.  It can be a who.  A Gail Simone.  One Megan Coker, or another person whom we must not name. 

Fine, I'll deflect all essaying and project 3ing to tomorrow.  I did write a thesis today. and tried to get somewhere to work on P3. 

Goal #1, Part 1

Goal #1.  Finish the semester with a bang. 

Not going so well.  The program I need is on campus.  I plan, plan, plan it for campus today, all day to do my project.    Then at the last minute, I chicken out.  I'm having paranoid thoughts.  I feel like "everyone" wants me to fail.  Least that can be said, is that my energy level and motivation are completely bottomed out. 

So I try a change.  Let's do something else altogether from what we planned, and make it a day to stay in to write this essay. 

I lack faith in myself, I lack faith in anything, period. 

I just want to finish, maybe pass one or two classes, but the person I'm begging, my paranoid mind, will not listen and will not forgive.  Mainly, I'm asking too much. 

I should have known that timing my return to school, coinciding with my eventual descent into madness was probably a bad idea.  Perhaps I was looking to some salvation.  Salvation is of the Jews. 

Anyways.  Essay.  I can't seem to write how I usually write, or organize how I usually organize, so I'll have to be creative and think of some other angle to pull it from my butt.  Mainly, I don't have anything to pull from, my butt is a mess.  Lack of faith, again. 

So essay.  It's about Woman's Work and over Gail Simone's interview with Comics Alliance.  I was thinking I could put some thesis up there.  And it has to be profound.  Gail Simone with her interview with Comics Alliance shows groundbreaking work in sexism in the comic book industry.  Well, not exactly profound, does the job. 

ACID REFLUX SUX.  As do cancer and diabetes and most ailments known to man.

Ok, I'm actually trying to write this and feeling a whole mis-matched of botched emotions as I do it.  I can't seem to sort anything out or organize anything.  It's like the third horseman, disease is coming at me full force.  I want to kill myself, that's at the top of the list.  How....? 

Now that I've written the thesis.  a flood of panic/relief floods in.  Untrustworthy, unreliable relief. 

I just had two minor heart attacks, while attempting to write beyond the thesis. 

I'm kind of rethinking this.  I don't want to die.  Most people don't.  This class has been one of my hardest, mostly because I didn't trust the professor and I felt like the whole time she just wanted me to leave.  I really wanted to be in the flow with the whole women's movement thing, I really got that. 

But I don't want to die over an essay.

This is the class I started out badly on.  It's easy to pigeonhole it.  I don't want to fail this class, but I'm failing already.  Maybe I should just cut my losses.  I wanted to do it right...I wanted to ace the class...I wanted to finish even though I'm failing.  Just not at the cost of my life. 

Should I ace the other classes?  Mainly.  Mainly, I'll see if they give me heart attacks, too. 

Also my dad has a vendetta against education which doesn't help at all.

My Mom and Yellow Things

So here's a poem I wrote about my Mom and Yellow Things.

My mother has two huge bottles of mustard
In the kitchen cabinet. They are large, yellow things, 7 in by 3 in. 
Why so much mustard? 
She eats hotdogs infrequently
And I, not at all, being a vegetarian. 
Potato salad, maybe? 
Like a teaspoonful for the whole dish
Does she think at the end of the world
People will line up to pay her for a teaspoonful
of mustard for all those potato salads they'll be making? 
Maybe she's thinking of making a potato gun
With the key ingredient a mite of mustard
"To burn the eyes."

There they are in their brilliance.
Sending me an obtuse message
Too much 'tard.  Less 'tard, please. 
That maybe one day I'll get her secret jokes
Only other pantrymates would get. 

But probably my mother just felt the need
For more yellow in our dreary cabinet of
Blue salt canisters and diced tomato cans. 

And go on to make my own color and secret jokes and doomsday predictions. 
"And Go on me."

My Goal Cobbling

I am going to make goals again.  Because.  That is what I do. 

Goal #1 Finish the semester blasting.
To feel better about myself. 

Goal #2 Don't finish that last semester.  Why, because UTA sucks, that's why. 
Because It's worthless.  I guess I have to find Someone Special First. 

Goal #2 1/2 Find that special someone. 
I guess I have to find him, and meet him and take him out to coffee. 

Goal #3 Exercise...Be less gross.
I think we should all have this goal (Side Note:  I tried to give this to God (like have a time with the sister's exercising...yeah it didn't work out) #prayerdidn'tworkyet)

Goal #4 Get a job. 
Money.  Pay back loans, rent and groceries, and car payment things. 

Goal #5 Go to the church meetings that I am called to go to. 
I need God, too.  And God people.  I love me some God people!

Goal #6 Get a car
(for job)( and church meetings). 

Goal #7 Believe that I'm redeemable and an ok person. 
I have like that impossible staircase picture self-esteem.  It's like I'm going along, things are fine, I'm happy with myself, and woot, won't you know it, I'm walking around upside down on the other side of the building. 

I'm irresponsible, you know.  I don't care if the butterfly wings here cause a tsunami in Japan.  And this is eating at me.  I don't have anyone checking me, you know? 

I believe we should write goals down, at least the DUMB ones ( Dreamy, Unrealistic, Magnificent, Bold).  Then we should forget about them, and come back to them at intervals to see what has changed, stayed the same, etc. 

Do you think these goals are dumb enough?  Or are they GROW goals?  I. e.  Workable, middle-ground goals?  (Goal, Reality, Obstacles, Way forward?)  Mainly, more about these goals, next time. 

A Post Where I get Angry at My Mom

I am so afraid of my mother.  She drags out the worst in me.  I wish that I wasn't near her. 

So I want to get a car.  We have talked about this and she has said that she would start looking for a car in December.  I, thinking that it would remind her of getting a car, wanted to bring in a car at which I was looking.  I could feel her tense up sitting right next to her.  I don't know about ya'll but I can tell when someone's tense.  I am not a smart woman, so the next thing I do is try to show her the car.  She starts yelling that I cars that inexpensive are not always good cars, a fact of which I am well aware.  I freak out and try to finish everything like a dolt, and she ends up yelling at me that we already had plans.  I end up cursing and she leaves.  I didn't realize my mom was sensitive to finishing things.  Notes for next times. 

EVERY SINGLE TIME, I bring up cars this happens.  About to get real spiritual here...who doesn't want me to get a car?  I know it could be everyone.  Let this broken winged bird go here.  Let go of your stupid control over everyone and everything.

Stop spell checking my entire post.   Thank you. 

(This was resolved later, with kind words and hugs, thanks for all your prayers, thoughts.)

First Post in 8 Years

Everything is a mess.  My schoolwork isn't doing what it should.  I feel like my professors are against me for the first time in my life.  The FIRST time.  It feels like they don't give a smack what happens to me.  I am old.  I hate it.  I hate everything and I am old.  But excuses are seriously lame. 

So I should plug ahead with my presentations and homework, am I right?  Fine.  I have done everything backwards.  Everything seems backwards.  Say backwards is a theme and my life is a book.  I feel like in the country everything is inside out upside down and backwards, and here, I still feel a smidge of my country roots in that backwardness. 

I miss father's and dad's and spiritual father's and spiritual dad's.  It's like I had them the most when I didn't need them, and now I need them the most and they aren't there. 

I'm being overdramatic.  This is only a short period of time and I will soon get over it.  I do feel my professors don't care. Which is a real issue.  Professors should care.  I think.  Maybe they should only care about certain ones, and leave the rest out to dry.  I have real issues with the grading curve.  Is that a real thing?  with a few getting A's and then mostly B's and C's and with a few getting F's.  I've always wondered what getting an E would be like.  E for Einstein, am I right? 

Anyways, I'm depressed.  I haven't been depressed all semester, but I did stop seeing my counselor.  I thought it wasn't necessary.  And I have so many problems and I feel sorry for burdening him with them.  My mom suggests I take vitamins.  I'm don't think she understands that I'm trying to get off the medication, not add to it.  I feel like a slave to an invisible force, invisible because I refuse to acknowledge it.  Slave because my mom keeps reminding me of them. 

I keep eating!  This sounds weird, but I don't like to eat.  And I have some force in me, probably hormones, that says I probably should eat, and I should eat, but not like 24/7, which is what I have been eating. I am huge, and have giant acne and fried hair!  And a fat face and rolls and a spare tire and half of this stuff I don't take seriously.  I probably should.  Then I'd be really pretty, maybe. 

I want a purpose that I don't seem to have.  I think this ambiguousness is really a good thing, because it means that ultimately, I'm where 90% of the people are, wanting a purpose but not really having one, so they are always seeking one. 

I keep trying to find something in my life.  A purpose, or something wrong with me to fix.  Something that makes meaning of some sort.  Something to work for, to time for, but everything I've done this semester seems like a waste. 

Which brings me to the point of finishing next semester.  Would it be more waste?  Would it be a waste to not finish?  As of right now I don't want to go.  I don't want to finish.  My mom waited until she was 50 to finish her degree.  I could be like her.  I know I could teach or go to librarian school.  But I could also do other things that don't require a degree. 

Mainly, I just want someone to care.

Late Night Ramblings.

Listening to John Mayer. Cough Syrup, on Spotify.  One of the best tracks.  Not so many that you feel guilty for not listening to them all.  

You want love we'll make it, swim in a deep sea of blankets. 

I've been really technical and specific in the past few months, and have realized that I need to get back to love and generality and universality.  I'm being squeezed out of my shell like toothpaste out of a tube, or a snake shedding it's skin. 

I want to tell you about a dissapointment I have had lately:  wordpress.  It is ... not working.  I'm no genious and apparently you have to be one to log in and write a post, otherwise you get bumped to the main page over and over.  Yes, I'm a little pissy about it.

Blogger will have to do.  I've always consided Wordpress as an upscale blogger, but if they want to make things confusing, that is their loss. 

I'm not a computer scientist.  I can't hack you.

How come writing crap feels so good and afterwards feels so crappy.  I say beer theory. You get drunk, write a bunch, do a bunch of stupid things and then the day after is the hangover.  It sucks major. 

Like what I just wrote.  It felt great to get that idea out, but now....my brain feels wasted.  I probably should eat doughnuts and not get caught up in writing/psychology theory. 

Along those lines, if you think that mornings are hard to deal with, they are.  I used to love mornings.  Everything light blue.  cool but getting warmer.  anyhoo the point is, I'm going to IHOP in the morning.  and this is a big thing for me because I've been building up to it for weeks.  A place to get out of the haus, eat food I really like.  I don't have much money to spend either.  That's one reason I've thought about not going, and saving my cash for gas.  Probably would be more practical, however, getting out is a need I feel. 

It's Thanksgiving.

For what do I give thanks? Being vegan. It kind of prowled and then sprung upon me. I never thought that I'd be one of those hippie, peace-love sort of people.

But it's grown on me. I don't think that everyone should do this. I don't think that people should stop eating animals altogether. I just believe there are more humane ways of treating animals and all life for that matter.

I'm thankful for knitting. It's a hobby. It's boring really...and I might give it up. But it's something to do and I've created a lot of neat stuff. It really gives me creative license to expand that left side of my brain.

I'm also thankful for the usual: friends and family...in all their wierd and wonderful ways. They are my stronghold and I'm happy that I have them.

Love to you all,
Megan

Words #1

New Words: Eigenharp.

It's this mad cat sound beat box, mix of a basson and a guitar. I know I know, you think of an accordian and say... bad idea, right? But this is different. After centuries with little variation in musical instruments, this is a breakthrough. The music is all there and the folks be jammin. It's a long narrow instrument about the size of a basson which has a small winding pipe to blow on, and on the front of it are what look like guitar strings. So it's a combination of a wind instrument and a string instrument. Ingenius!

Next word: Moroso.

It's Spanish. For in default.
so if you have a loan in Mexico and you don't have any money to pay it... Moroso, Senor!

Third word: Dirl

It means to shake, or vibrate. Having been playing Scabble lately, I've been finding all sorts of obscure words. I don't know why this isn't in the common use. What a handy word!

Used in a sentence: I dirled the package but could not discern what was in it.

That ends our wonderful words of the day! I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.

Ginger Kids

Ginger kids. What can I say? They are beautiful and special especially because their genes are recessive and there are not that many of them.

There's always someone who wants to beat up the minority. A person who needs a reason to hurt the weaker of us.

"Kick a Ginger Day" inspired by South Park, which, we all know is a show for the more common and simpler folk. They make fun of a lot of people's differences.

Well, some seventh and eight graders in Southern California took it seriously and beat up a 12-year-old boy for the color of his hair.

You know what this says to me? It says middle school is hard. And young people's hearts are harder. Like the famous western, there are the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly and this incident is the Ugly.

Having a ginger kid as a brother, I know all about their supposed temper (which isn't true) and I know about the small stigmas which come from having red hair. Well, here I declare they don't exist. They are remnants of a more foolish era.

We love all our redheaded kids. How's that Southern California?

Mint vs Cinnamon

Well, in the news there were a lot of murders. And a lot of convictions and court cases.

But we don't talk about that here. We talk about: the pros and cons of cinnamon vs mint hard candies.

Cinnamon is so spicy! It tastes like deep dark sinfully delicious secrets.

Mint is so refreshing. It is like the light at the end of the tunnel. The bed at the end of a day. A long cool shower.

How can I choose between them? I don't.

Carefully yours,
Megan

Banana Bread! is supposed to be good.

But mine is not.

Because of the many chocolate chips in it.

I am eating it anyway.

Anyone have any baking stories to relate?

The banana bread may be gross because of the chocolate chips or something else... I don't know. I will try it again with none and see what the problem is. Maybe it's the olive oil which I guess is in place of butter, in which case, I'll use this margarine mom got which is dairy free and tastes like heaven.

I'm baking vegan brownies tomorrow so wish me luck!

Love ya'lls
The Megans

Hello.

I just found out text colors!

How exciting.

Also. I am thinking presents for the holidays so if you want something in particular, I might not buy it. But I might. Because I have all this money for gifts. Right.

Anyways. I got birthday money. The Phone needs to be fixed. I washed it in the washing machine. How else your calls got to keep clean?

Free of lint, I guess. So after that I'm going to buy groceries. Brownie making stuffs. For my birthday, which I'm sure you all knew about on the 9th. Hint, hint. (Presents.)

So ya'll have a good day, and stop by my blog anytime.

Catapulting
and Rapturous

Megan

Well, it's over

Gauze pads and drama aside. i was in the chair not but a minute, when I went to sleep, anesthesia caused, of course. I had gauze in my mouth and the assistant came in to take me to the waiting room. I slept all through that day and through the night, getting up periodically to take the blood and spit soaked gauze out and replace it with fresh bandages.

So far today, I'm a little weak, and my cheeks are really puffy. The swelling is said to go down with ice packets applied, and I'm really glad my cheeks have stopped bleeding.

I find that I'm glad to have had the experience of getting my wisdom teeth out.

The teeth

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out this Friday. I am so scared of dentists in general, getting my wisdom teeth out in particular. Last time I had dentists working on me I prayed the whole time and practically didn't breathe.

I've looked it up on the internet, you don't really need to get your teeth out unless they are impacted, which two of mine are. But do I really need to get all four out? Maybe it's good to do them at the same time.

But there's going to be four freaking holes in my mouth. How disgusting is that?

Let's just say I'm not looking forward to this experience. Getting drugged up and teeth surgically removed from my mouth is not fun.

Hymn of the week #12

1. All my life long I had panted
   For a draught from some cool spring,
   That I hoped would quench the burning
   Of the thirst I felt within.

2. Chorus: Hallelujah! I have found Him
   Whom my soul so long has craved!
   Jesus satisfies my longings;
   Through His life I now am saved.

3. Feeding on the husks around me,
   Till my strength was almost gone,
   Longed my soul for something better,
   Only still to hunger on.

3. Poor I was, and sought for riches,
   Something that would satisfy,
   But the dust I gathered round me
   Only mocked my soul's sad cry.

4. Well of water, ever springing,
   Bread of life, so rich and free,
   Untold wealth that never faileth,
   My Redeemer is to me.

This is a sweet hymn which means a lot. It's simplicity speaks to it's strength and obvious truth.
As our everything positive in our life, Christ can also be our drink and refreshment. Cool glasses of water on a hot day are enjoyable and so is Christ on a "dry" day. Reading the Bible is refreshment for our soul.

-Megan

My mom is on Facebook. This wouldn't be a big deal if Facebook wasn't so personal. Facebook is you in digital form. Your likes, your contact information, your life, your boring applications of which you have a ton.

This wouldn't be a big deal, except it's my life.

But add insult to injury, she doesn't add me as a friend and the tables are turned. I'm a bit insulted that because I believe gays should have the same rights as others and I drop the occasional bad word, that I'm a bad friend. That's a part of who I am and if my family can't accept that, I often think they have beliefs that I do not agree with and that doesn't make them less of a person just because they are different than me. But I understand and respect my mother's beliefs. Just don't judge me, lest ye be judged.

Sock Wars

So you like to knit. Well, join Sock Wars. I know most of you don't knit. Some of you wouldn't be caught dead mentioning the word knit. And knitting is not fun for those with arthritis.

However knitting can be a fun and relaxing activity for those who have a lot of time on their hands and for those who need to disengage from life for a few hours. And yes, men can knit.

I haven't knit in a while, but with the upcoming Sock Wars, I think I'll take up the old sticks again and see if I can't kill a couple of targets while killing some time.

What is sock wars, you ask? Well, it's not like Star Wars, but it's an assassin game where you knock out players by knitting socks and sending them to your target. They send you the socks they were knitting and you finish those, too, knocking out other players. Anyone can play and the sign up start is Oct. 23, 2009. Killing starts in January. That's when the fun begins. Don't be afraid to pick up your sticks and start knitting!

Here is the link to the homepage: Sock Wars, if anyone is interested. See you there.

Don't the worst people take it upon themselves to blog?

Every once in a while there is someone who has a good blog. There are two of these here. They are great crafty, girly weblogs. So if you are a female and bored and looking for something inspirational.. Here they are.

Whimsy Love

and

Joy's Hope

They are great. Add them to your reader. In fact, I am recommending you use your reader. It's a little like a newspaper that you create. It is really exteraneous and I'm sure you're all apologizing in your heads for not doing it. Just do it! That would be Nike talking and I don't know what Nike has to do with readers, but it can be a discovery of sorts. So yeah.

Earthen Vessel

1	Earthen vessel I was made,
	Christ in me the treasure laid;
	His container I must be,
	As the content He in me.
2	In His image I was made,
	Fit that Christ should all pervade;
	Thus the vessel God did form
	With the content uniform.
3	In my spirit He remains,
	With His power He sustains;
	As the Spirit one with me,
	He is my reality.
4	Moving in me day by day,
	Mingling with me all the way,
	All my steps He regulates,
	Every part He saturates.
5	Him expressing from within,
	Making Him to others seen,
	I transparent have to be
	That He may be shown thru me.
6	Transformation is my need,
	To be broken more indeed,
	That the clay may change in form,
	To the treasure to conform. This song was written by Witness Lee and speaks to our day to day walk with the Lord and how we change and move and live in our daily life. It says something about salvation for transformation. We don't merely need initial salvation, but a day to day salvation of the spirit and mind.

I'm not getting married.

I know in our romantic centered culture and on most people's checklist of life fulfillment is marriage.

You have someone to stay with you for the rest of your life. You enjoy their company. You have fights. People have certain expectations. They want you to hook up.

Then they expect you to have kids, and then they expect those kids to grow up and do the same thing.

I actually have found my life partner. My mom. She is single and is not getting married again. I have no reason to get married. So perhaps there is God's blessing in our singleness and in my resolution not to get married. I thank the lord every day, that I don't have to put up with messy husbands and their bratty kids. So don't knock the old maid life til you've tried it.

I've heard that single women live longer than women who are married. Just goes to show, life can turn out different than you expect.

Hymn of the week #11

1. When peace like a river attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say,
   "It is well, it is well with my soul!"
• It is well with my soul!
  It is well, it is well with my soul!

2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

3. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought—
   My sin, not in part, but the whole,
   Is nailed to His Cross, and I bear it no more;
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live;
   If dark hours about me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

This song was written by a man who had lost his children and wife and fortune. He was really sad, but turned to God on a trip over the Atlantic. He realized that everything was "well with his soul" and that even over everything God was looking out for him and taking especial care of him.

Sorry guys

I was just feeling really under the weather when I wrote that. I had to vent and it had the immediate effect I was looking for. My family rallied to the call and they came en force to support and encouage me. So yah for instant communication. I thank all who gave their time.

Love, Megan

Hymn of the week #10

1. In the church of Jesus there is love for you,
   Love most pure and tender, love most deep and true;
   Why should you be lonely, why for friendship sigh,
   When the church of Jesus has a full supply?

2. In the church of Jesus there is life for you,
   Warm as summer sunshine, sweet as morning dew;
   Why should you be fearful, why take anxious thought,
   Since the church of Jesus cares for those He bought?

3. In the church of Jesus there is work for you;
   Such as even angels might rejoice to do;
   Why stand idly sighing for some life work grand,
   While the church of Jesus seeks your reaping hand?

4. In the church of Jesus there's a place for you;
   Glorious, bright, and joyous, right and peaceful too;
   Why then like a wand'rer, roam with weary pace,
   If the church of Jesus holds for you a place.

I like this song because it reflects a fundamental truth, that Jesus has a place for all his saints and that they all have a function in His church.

Thoughts on God

I think Jesus understood that sometimes you had to be dead to be alive again.

"U.S. President Barack Obama says inaction on climate change could leave future generations with an "irreversible catastrophe."

Mr. Obama urged more than 90 global leaders gathered for a climate change summit in New York City to work together to combat the problem.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called the summit, and opened the session Tuesday by saying it would be 'morally inexcusable' not to act."

This is an excerpt from a news story.

Thank goodness someone is worried about global warming besides me. I'm sure a lot of people feel relieved that the government is showing interest in greenhouse gases. We need our atmosphere!

Hymn of the week #9

1. A little bird I am,
   Shut from the fields of air,
   And in my cage I sit and sing
   To Him who placed me there;
   Well pleased a prisoner to be,
   Because, my God, it pleaseth Thee.
2. Nought have I else to do,
   I sing the whole day long;
   And He whom most I love to please
   Doth listen to my song;
   He caught and bound my wandering wing;
   But still He bends to hear me sing.
3. Thou hast an ear to hear
   A heart to love and bless;
   And though my notes were e'er so rude,
   Thou wouldst not hear the less;
   Because Thou knowest as they fall,
   That love, sweet love, inspires them all.
4. My cage confines me round;
   Abroad I cannot fly;
   But though my wing is closely bound,
   My heart's at liberty;
   For prison walls cannot control
   The flight, the freedom of the soul.
5. O it is good to soar
   These bolts and bars above!
   To Him whose purpose I adore,
   Whose providence I love;
   And in Thy mighty will to find
   The joy, the freedom of the mind.

This song is actually painful for me. Because I am that bird. And I haven't gotten used to being shut up yet. Generally, I thought I didn't believe for the longest time. But every once in a while, something about the Lord touches me and I believe. These moments stretch into minutes and minutes into hours and so on. I come to believe the Lord has shut me in. I don't really have any skills and I don't know that I'll be going back to school so it's just me and the Lord at home while every one is away living their life. So even through the pain of not being able to handle all of life's difficulties, I can enjoy shut away in my "cage."

Tip of the day #1

To rinse your toilet bowl brush, flush, then tap to get rid of excess water.

I had been rinsing it in the tub, but was torn. Doesn't that seem unsanitary? As if some of the germs from the toilet brush could now infiltrate your system. But I felt that the brush should be cleaned after use. Thus the flush method was born.

What great liturature my blog is most like

Lewis Carroll

www.basicmegan.blogspot.com moderately resembles to the writings of Lewis Carroll.

49% alike

Hymn of the Week #8

"Jesus Christ will get His kingdom
In spite of Satan and his plans;
He's getting something real and solid
By growing in the hearts of man.
It's nothing like religion teaches:
"You have to wait until you die."
For the kingdom Christ is building,
Is here on earth before our eyes."

Sometimes it's hard for me to get Jesus Christ's kingdom. A kingdom is such an abstract concept. What is a kingdom? Is it a person? It certainly is within our hearts. It's a person who loves us and wants us to come together to meet with Him and love Him. He is building this kingdom, this way of getting love to His chosen people.

Sometimes God just wants us to enjoy Him and other times He wants us to build for Him. What does this mean? God wants us to be living stones for Him. A testimony on the earth full of experiences of Him.

John 14:1

Do not let your heart be troubled; believe into God, believe also into Me.

This verse is really good. I read that to believe is just to enjoy what you receive. So if we've received a warning, a sweet message, a hard discussion from the Lord, if we just enjoy it, we'll be believing in the Lord.

Link #1

I have a link for you.

The background story is... I have a ton of bookmarks. They are all useful and unique in some sort of way or other. I want to share them with you.

This is a poem which I found amusing and noteworthy. My dad always says the Coker family is crazy, so this applies to most of us.

The Poem.

Hymn of the week #7

1. Morning dawn had arisen,
   Abraham saddled his donkey,
   Took his two young men with him
   And Isaac, his beloved son.
   Lord, You're God's only Son
   And of God begotten
   "This is My beloved Son, in whom
   I am well-pleased."

2. To his young men he said then,
   "Stay and we'll return to you."
   To Moriah he led him,
   His son Isaac, just them two.
   Just the son and the father,
   Speaking with one another.
   Isaac said, "My father!" Abraham
   said, "Here I am."

4. As You spoke with Your Father
   You bore the wood God laid on You;
   As a lamb to the slaughter
   Obedient to the death were You.
   Precious blood of a Lamb,
   Slain from when earth began,
   Laid Your life down for Your sheep, in love,
   that I might live.

4. Man of sorrows, I love You.
   From You men did hide their face.
   With no majesty to You,
   Despised, forsaken, and disgraced.
   For my sins You were crushed.
   Lord, I love You so much.
   Chastened, scourged and then pierced through, my griefs
   and sorrows bore.

5. Dead in sins and offenses,
   I'm a bruised reed—smoking flax.
   Yet to death You were given,
   For of Your sheep, You'd not lose one.
   Like the woman, I'd weep,
   Flow my tears at Your feet.
   Jesus Lord, I just love You—dear Lord,
   Jesus my Lord.

This is a great hymn because it tells a story of a man and his son and this is a picture of God with his son. Abraham gave his only son up to satisfy God's commandment, but he received back what was his, when God gave an offering up as a ram, caught in some bushes. I enjoy it because it has an impact on my daily life. I can consider that God loves me and that he wants the best for me, including dying for my sins, which are numerous and under the kingdom of Satan. Praise Christ! He can satisfy God's righteous requirement and I can become God's son!

Why every introvert should have facebook.

You don't talk to people. You are shy. Facebook gives you a way to connect that is unique in that you don't have to communicate with other people to know what's going on with them. For that reason, it caters to the introvert-stalker type and the extrovert-attention seeking type. To get the attention they crave is only a click away. I would recommend facebook.com to all my friends and family.

Last night on Earth

If this were my last night on earth. I'd like to thank everyone.

Thank you dad, for getting me to say Daddy as my first word, and for calling me pudding pie.

Thank you moms for putting up with me and sticking with me to the end.

Thank you Sayward for STILL loving me through my insanity and depression.

Thank you John for everything you've given me. I couldn't ask for a nicer person as a brother.

Thank you Grandma Coker for not giving in and not giving up. Now that's what I call spit n' vinegar.

Thank you Grandma Vaught for being stubborn and for your beliefs that everything will work out for good.

Ya'll are all important people in my life. And I appreciate you every day.

Hymn of the week #6

Seek ye first the kingdom of God
And His righteousness,
And all these things shall be added unto you.
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Ask, and it shall be given unto you;
Seek and ye shall find.
Knock and it shall be opened unto you.
Hallelu, Hallelujah.

Man shall not live by bread alone,
But by every word
That proceeds from the mouth of God.
Hallelu, Hallulujah.

This song really made me think. How much of my life do I give to God? Do I seek Him? The answer is miserly: barely. Having a good relationship with God is important. I would like to speak to Him. Prayer. Set aside at least to talk a part of the day with him.

Also I'm wondering to anyone who likes reading, my mom is getting rid of a bunch of Christian literature and this is high grade spiritual stuff if anyone is interested. We just don't have room for it, bookcases being in short supply.

http://www.stop-motion.org/Ex-ET.html

This is a link to a really cute movie. I think my family is cooky enough to understand it and relish it for the treasure it is.

Sometimes I just scream inside. The thought of unknown gods deciding my fate does that to me. Like I can't choose to go to school, but there's the money issue there and failing 2 classes doesn't help.

I want to write great things. I want to write something. I want to write.

I want to do something. I don't really care.

They want to push me down so I'll stay.

What's a little suicidal behavior among friends? It stops being worth something after the fifth or sixth time. Just Megan, being a little suicidal. I don't want to be like that. I just feel abandoned. Perhaps. I'd rather fall than be pushed down. Falling reminds me of Alice down the rabbit hole and I can always imagine that I'll be in an interesting place when I land.

A Little Bird I Am.

A little bird I am,
Shut from the fields of air,
And in my cage I sit and sing
To Him who placed me there;
Well pleased a prisoner to be,
Because, my God, it pleaseth Thee.

I really find this hymn to be good. I can't really go out and get a job like everyone does. But I can stay at home and clean some and keep house a little. God has limited us and we are stuck in our situations. This pleases God even though this is against our concept. So lets go on pleasing God, because He has arranged for each one of us our places, people and things.

A Letter

Dear Dad,

While times are hard and the economy is bad, I have been expending my efforts trying to get a job. It comes down to three potential jobs. Luby's, Silverleaf Resorts (a call center) and Kroger. All this is wonderful and good and I'm sure the three remaining jobs will duke it out like proper reality TV show contestants do, but until then, I've got bills to pay and I'm up a creek without a paddle, so to speak.

I have a hundred dollar hospital bill every month, and a 35$ public safety payment to make. Meaning, at least until I have a paying job, I still need support from my parents. Money from Dad, and food and shelter from Mom.

Thanks for understanding, and I hope I can return the favor when you are old and decrepit.

Love,
Megan

Hymn of the week #5

"He gives support and comforts you,
Interceding night and day.
And when you're weak He groans for you
With words you cannot say.
He's the Spirit, interceding.
He's the Spirit. Don't neglect this
Wonderful One,
Who is praying for you."

I enjoyed this hymn (it is one of my favorites) today. When the Lord intercedes in your life, you must be careful to listen and not neglect Him. Coming to Him daily in the morning is the prime time to contact and enjoy Him. Sometimes His speaking would surprise us.

Ninja (That's the dog's name)

We are trying to find a new home for our dog, a safe, loving home.

She is a bright black Labrador Retriever/Terrier mix.

She fetches, is curious and friendly, grew up with great parents who love her.

Right now she's just too much to handle for us.

So I ask you to if you want a dog or know anyone who wants or needs a dog write to us at spikywires@hotmail.com.

FreeCycle

Every day there are tons of e-mails in my mailbox due to freecycle. People are either have an OFFER or have TAKEN or RECEIVED and WANTED. This means people want clothes or fans or electric guitars or are offering this type of stuff.

Sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself that these people are taking time out of their busy life to share a hope or a gift with me. That is why I believe that free cycle and the world in general is a good place with people who do their business and live happily ever after.

Because of freecycle.

Thank you, ladies and gents.

Megan

Breathing

Been reading a book called Meditation as Medicine. You may think that the eastern religions do not have any value to add to Christianity, but since millions of people practice and believe them, I think they have some spiritual significance, as well.

Breathing is key. How you breathe determines how you will live your life. When you have a relaxed breath, a breath that goes from your toes to the top of your head, you will live a full and happy life.

I've been learning several breathing techniques. One is to breathe in for six heartbeats, hold for three beats, breathe out for six heartbeats and hold for three more beats. This is actually rather difficult as the heart beat speeds up or slows down as you are breathing, making this a juggling act. If you can get control of your breath, it helps you to get control of your entire life.

I urge you to try this and see what results you get.

A message and a job

I'm worried that my family is reading these journal entries and wondering what a strange person they produced. What strange imaginations go through her head. How she doesn't always make sense. Well, to you I say you'll have to take the bad with the good. My saddest two sentence entries with the great 8 paragraph ones.

In other news I might get a job. I'm almost afraid. I'm afraid I'll get in a dead end job and remain trapped there for the rest of my life. Bagging groceries. Making cold calls. Serving up fish at Luby's.

But there's another part of me that says just get a job and stop whining already. As of late that part of me has won. So I go forth to get a job.

Hymn of the week 4

This is one of my favorites and has been for a long time. It talks about how the love in Song of Songs is a depiction of Christ loving His faithful ones.

Rise up, my love, my beautiful one,
And come away, for behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
Flow'rs appear on the earth,
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtle dove
Is heard in our land.
My beloved is mine,
And I am His,
He who feeds His flocks among the lilies.
'Til the day breaks,
And the shadows flee away,
Come my beloved,
Come my beloved!
Rise up, my love, my beautiful one
And come away, for behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.

Treks

Treks. Everyone takes them. Even if it's just from the mailbox and back.

People take them and motives are unknown.

A Good Read

Sometimes all I can do is just read. My brain and fragile ego is a little more than a speck on this huge planet, all filled with humans who all consider them and what they do as all important. It's nice to take some time and dive into a good read.

Recently, I finished a book called Chosen by a Horse. The author is witty but unusually vulnerable to her readers, telling about her abused childhood and discussing her romantic endeavors. She is a creature that comes to terms with her mother's death (happening to her at the age of 5) by dealing with an abused animal, a horse.

She is very much a horse person and this shows in her writing, attributing human personality traits to the horses and seeing them very much as her children.

The book is excellent yet sorrowful near the ending. Not wanting to spoil the book, I won't disclose what happens, but it is a book with touching consequences.

Job Hunting 2

I'm trying to reach out to people when getting a job. Not just for the money, but for the companionship that other people offer us. Sometimes a fresh perspective on our life is required when getting a job. But that job is a passage through fire for some of us. The quiet, the shy, the timid of us.

I feel that I am one such. I'm looking for a job which can either push the limits of my quieter personality or cater to it's whims.

Yes, I'm looking for a job. Get out the party hats and kazoos. This time I might just catch one.

Scrabble night

Why don't we bring it back.

The game is World of Warcraft. That's where I've been the last couple of days. It's kind of a game that obsesses you. Draws you in. Which is all the fun.

I've been enjoying playing this game and I realize that I am growing a little as a consequence. Three things I've learned which are of use in the real world.

1.) Don't be afraid to ask for directions.

The whole man, macho thing is to not, but I find in a world which is constantly changing it helps to ask directions and often as not there are people willing to give them to you. Sometimes they will even guide you there.

2.) Emote often. Expressing yourself can and will get you noticed and by the right people.

3.) Fight as if your life depends on it. Which it does in World of Warcraft.

Even if you are fighting low level creatures, use your powerups and specials. The practice is good for you.

Overall, WOW, so they call it, is a great game and I don't know what I'll do when my trial is over. Cry probably, moan maybe, and buy the game, most definitely.

More Vampires

"The director thinks interest in vampires goes beyond the current fleeting dalliance with the Twilight series, in which the vampire is just a romantic bad boy.

"There are few characters that belong to the cosmos of mankind," he said, mentioning the dragon which is seen as evil or good in different cultures.

"The same is true for the vampire — it's very malleable — it's an incredibly open metaphor for power, greed, sexual appetite, you name it," he said."

I'm glad someone agrees with me about vampires.

Chinese Christian and Writer's Management

Starting a new project is encouraging, even if it has low pay. I've been writing some articles, $3 per article and there are a ton to do. I don't know how soon I would finish at just 4-5 per day. There's about 120 articles to do. Well, just fighting the good fight.

I've been reading about the law in Watchman Nee's book. How we sin without knowing it, but the law shows us that we have sin. Without our disobedience of the law it's difficult to prove that we are sinners. God, however can bring us back to the law and show us our sin so we are able to accept His grace which was God's original intention.

TMNT

I've been reading the revamped Mutant Ninja Turtles and it still has a great impact on me. I miss the tradition of Saturday morning cartoons and the anticipation and excitement they bring. When you are a kid, everything seems exciting, but growing older, you learn to pick and choose when you will get excited about something.

I personally realize that even the first things which I used to be excited about aren't as exciting now as they used to be. But we can learn to take the remakes of the remakes of our old cartoon and accept it and cherish as we would the original.

And mutant ninja turtles is one of those cartoons. Cowabunga, dudes!

Options

Options. Everyone's got 'em.

Thoughts on Twilight

"Vampires sparkle when exposed to the sun."

Why did I not know this? The most disturbing thought I've ever had, well, the second most disturbing. In fact, I was under the impression that they melted when under the sun. They could only come out at night. It's quite insane that there is a generation of people who are growing up to think that vampires sparkle when exposed to the sun. What will they think of next?

They can also read thoughts according to Stephanie Myers' Twilight. According to the real tradition, I find that vampires only real talent is biting people. And making more vampires, much like their close cousin zombies.

What does this mean? It means that our generation is changing what the status quo for the vampires will be. It means that we are stretching beyond our boundaries as humans. It also means I'll never be able to enjoy a vampire novel again.

Fleas

Guess what? I think I have fleas.

It started with the dog. She was found to be with flea and we gave her many flea baths. Unfortunately the colony seems to have moved to me. I've been suspecting this for a while. The dog sometimes sleeps on my bed, so the fleas have free access to move in. I scratched my head and moments later, I see a dark speck jump across the computer screen. Help! I know no natural remedies or tried and true potions. How will I get rid of the fleas? Most likely time and a good washing of the sheets, methinks.

Summer is almost here.

I can't believe summer and all it's guilty pleasures is almost here. We know that swimming will soon become available. And melted chocolate and camping out, with insect repellent, of course.

I'm thinking today was do nothing day #2, but I'm surely glad to have this day.

For some reason I've been craving marshmallows, crazily enough. Maybe some s'mores are in store for us in the near future. I hope so!

Absolutely Nothing

Day 1 of doing absolutely nothing. However, coffee is delicious.

There are holes in my workout pants... gotta get some new ones. These pants I've had forever, and they were hand-me-downs. Regardless I'll keep wearing them until the holes get too big for even me.

It's not often that people talk about the romance between a person and a article of clothing. I mean, these clothes spend a lot of their time with you. You have experiences with these clothes. They become a part of your skin. That's how I feel about my pants. They are a part of my personality.

However, when the time comes, I shall give up what I have with reluctance. Actually, I might make a quilt out of it.

Coraline

Coraline is a cute kids movie which teaches lessons about strength and courage and resilence in the face of danger. Most kids now a day's don't really go through adventures, therefore the movie is quite entertaining... a visual adventure.

I'm not finished with it yet, but soon will know the ending, which I'm sure is a happy one. We should have more movies like this out, attempting to show kids humility and agreeableness regardless of how "bad" or "boring" their lives are. It also teaches thankfulness.

What are you thankful for?

Love,
Megan

Two Girls One Cup

First a word of caution... don't see it. And if you do see it, I'm sorry because it has be indelibly burned into your memory. You know what I'm talking about.

So today was nice. I went to a yogurt house and it had so many flavors. Even tart lechee, which I would highly recommend as delicious to all. It may be my new favorite fruit. I didn't get lechee, however... what is more delicious than this amazing fruit? Cheesecake! Super amazing. I love yogurt houses so much that I'm going to marry them when I grow up. Lovely.

Oh, the dog's puking, i gotta go.

Until next time.
Megan

Grandmothers

This blog will highlight grandmothers. Since I have just recently added them to my mailing list. Not everyone has them and I'm lucky to be blessed with two very awesome grandmothers, Grandma Coker and Grandma Vaught.

One has taught me to be hard on the outside and soft on the inside. To not let go of sorrow, because that's what makes us human.

The other has taught me to be tough and loving. To keep busy, regardless of the situation. Not to let sorrow overcome you.

All in all, valuable lessons to learn. Thanks to both of you.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

I got absolutely nothing done today. I am completely ashamed. I was planning on making tortillas. Yes. Tortillas. But instead, I mucked about on the internet and did much of nothing.

That's ok, I'm alright with it.

Which leads me to the question of the day: What is your favorite food to make? Like some people like to eat a certain food, but say you are making some food which you have fun making or that other people enjoy... how does making it bring you pleasure?

I like making pork chops because I know everyone enjoys them. I cooked them last week and found that they are hard to make because of the wait...you flip em over....and then wait some more. It takes forever! But still the end project was awesome, because they all were eaten quickly and with savor.

That brings me to the topic of grudges. Don't hold them, they hold you back from experiencing new things.

That is all.

Much love,
Cinnamon and other spices,
Megan

Big Red and Big Proclamation

Big Red. What can I say but no, no, and no. It's main premise is it's color. Not taste. Not thirst quenchingness. Not health. This drink is instead famous for it's color, red. It's taste is of an old sock drenched in cherries and sprite. At least they try to give it a taste, second to the overwhelming taste of red dye. I'll stick to my sprite or coke any day.

I know this will come as a shock and a disappointment to many of you. I really don't think I'm getting a job any time soon. I don't really have an excuse other than I am completely comfortable living at my mom's house and enjoying sleeping in every day. I don't have any passion, as far as a career is concerned, so no direction there. If anyone has any ideas for motivation... it's not as if I'm going to be kicked out on my tail if I don't get a job. That's my big proclamation.

Either way, we're going to have to get some better drinks up in here. Big Red, puh.

Thoughts on God

There's perks to believing in God. That's what I've been reading in Watchman Nee's book. There's grace and mercy. As he says, grace is in the place where there is the most sin. Which touched me the most. Because thinking about all the things I've done, all the people I've associated with and all the darkness around me, that God was there, giving me grace through all of that... is amazing. They say as you get older you appreciate God more and I believe that is true.

Weekly Hymn

"If you wish to let Him in, you just call upon His name,
You just call upon His name and let Him in
Call His name, call His name,
Call His name, call His name,
You just call upon His name and let Him in."

I like this song because it focuses on the fundamentals. Calling and finding and opening. I find that calling on the lord is nice because I can do it anytime, in my head privately to the Lord. And I don't have to open so big, but just big enough for a little of the person of the Lord to come in.

Today the Mormons are Coming

I don't know what to say to them. Should I be all like I don't believe in your religion... I feel like there should be people screaming and throwing things. "The Mormons are coming, the MORMONS are coming!"

They came, I saw, I conquered. I totally told them, I just wasn't interesting. It was horrible and great. Because they are spiritual in a sense, even if their religion was total bunk.

I just have this horrible habit of being nice...or to be more specific of doing the easy thing. Like letting Mormons run over me. Next time I'll use some spiritual karate. "If anyone adds one iota..."

Coffee

I love coffee. The coffee I have now leaves residue in the cup and is instant, but it still has that coffee flavor and smell. I think it reminds me of my grandmother's house where there was always abundant coffee and how my grandparents had a morning routine of getting up, reading the news and drinking coffee. I'm sure my grandmother still does it to this day.

Coffee inspires me and I hope it inspires you.

Banana News

The banana gun robber, concealed his "weapon" under his shirt. This seventeen year old found that the weapon also makes a tasty and nutritious snack as he ate the banana before the police showed up. Quote from the BBC News "'If he had a gun he would have shot me,' Mr Mabe told the Winston-Salem Journal newspaper. 'But he had a banana.'"

That's how I would rob a store. With a lonely banana. They are dangerous, at least as far as 80 year old hips and slips go.

Dogs are great.

Dogs are great. The actually can run with you and they aren't seeking to find a place to hide like with a cat.

And they actually have a personality.

I'm applying to jobs out the wazoo... so I better be having a job soon. I get impatient. But like all things it takes time and anyway patience comes from the lord. Except for people who are naturally patient. They need God's impatience.

Anyway. I love your e-mails. I bask in them, like a sea lion in the sun.

Nada.

Which is Spanish for nothing, which is what I've done today.

I actually finished watching Red vs Blue, of which my favorite character is still Lopez. Well, Lopez's head actually. I can't really keep track of the other characters anyway, they blend into a mesh of stupidity. I especially was bothered by the character Caboose. He just got irritating towards the end. Watching it made me remember a love of the old things though. After watching so many cop shows which just emphasized sex, drugs and debachery, Red vs Blue focused on the more important things in life, such as time travel and talking bombs and aliens.

I feel a little more fulfilled just by watching it.

Music

I just discovered Jason Mraz. He is lovely. A little Jack Johnson versus pop music. I like it. Sort of a Dave Matthew's band. He is a lovely golden canary.

Question of the day: What's your favorite music?

I'm disappointed that no one has come forward to share their plans with me, though I did get an e-mail from Sayward but she sent it to everyone else, too.

I still have no plans currently. I'd like to get a summer job perhaps. I've been looking mostly at jobs from snagajob.com, a site that lists entry jobs, so I don't have to worry about my qualifications when getting a job. I've applied at several jobs so far, ranging from Sears to AMC theaters. I don't know that I'd get any of these jobs, the practical aspect is that I'm trying. And I'm call some of them for a follow up call, don't you worry about that.

And if you're brave enough, send your summer plans in,

Peace, love, and prosperity,
Sincerely,
Megan

The Terrible Tues

It's a Tuesday and I'm thinking no big plans right? "Stumble" a little, listen to some music a little.

I swear the most interesting part of my life has been my night dreams.

Last night I dreampt I lived in a small makeshift zoo. Some saints lived with us as well. There was this huge mansion and all these animals, chimpanzees and snakes and lions in these small cages. It was great. Until some of the snakes got loose and started biting people. We got them under control, though with the help of some visitors.

I think somehow dreams are inherently selfish since the only person who can really enjoy them is yourself.

Mom is in her room studying her head off. John is in his room, doin' his thang.

I wonder what in my life has meaning.

Hymn of the week

Number 604 in the green book.

Verse 3.

"This Jesus lives inside of me-
My Lord, my life, my all to be.
This life and peace inside increases
By calling on the name of Jesus.
There's nothing for my soul on earth to seek.
I have no need;
I'm satisfied in Jesus."

I like this tune because of it's quick pace and enjoy the verses because I enjoy that life and peace.

Well, the visit from Sayward and Jason was a success. In household goods we measure, but in abundance of joy, hope and peace is measured out. There was the rewiring of the cable into the walls, there was the board across the broken part of the garage door, there was the ringing of the toilet and the fixing of faulty shower handles. All in all a success.

Thank you to all involved.

Oh, and I got new speakers. I have ears now!

A sister

A sister is coming over tonight. Whatever the saints touch always turns interesting and full of life.

Update

Nablopomo is going ok. You get in a rhythm and you just write. Groovy man.

No one has sent in their stories yet. I'm not going to harp about it, but it would be neat for the family to read what every one else's plans are. Unless they are secret plans. Then please don't share.

My job search is still fruitless. It's painful for me to talk about, because of the economy and the mental health issues I face every day.

Oh, and I finally joined Twitter. After reading about it on countless blogs, I join and find the community active and alive and random people adding me to their tweet list. Which I find fascinating and confusing.

Job Hunting

I struggle with getting a job. I kind of feel that the stars should line up or the gods should unite and somehow, somewhere, the right job would fall into my lap as the clouds parted and one of God's fingers touched down to light the way. Like God would get me a job since He knows I need one. Course I haven't prayed about all this... The most guidance I get is a Bible verse saying "work with your hands." That could mean I should be a masseuse for all I know.

Job hunting isn't like that. It's dirty. And you're going to get a thousand wrong jobs before the right one crops up. You have to dip your mind and your soul into it, as if you are dipping your hands in oil. And it's not fun. It's traumatic. One job you thought was fantastic never called you back. Or another job which seemed just right you don't have the qualifications.

All I can say is pray for me in these dark times.

Hymn

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it;
Prone to leave the Lord I love:
Take my heart, oh, take and seal it
With thy spirit from above.
Rescued thus from sin and danger,
Purchased by the Savior's blood,
May I walk on earth a stranger,
As a son and heir of God."

That's a verse to a hymn I like. I like that it says we're prone to wander. I do this a lot. I miss appointments and don't listen to God. Like we could actually hear Him. Anyway, we just have to ask the Lord to seal our heart. And being a stranger to earth, we will be a friend to God.

Your Stories

So , John is getting a job for summer, and I'm getting a job? Maybe. And Say is still working on having that baby. And Mom is going to enjoy her break from school and Dad is still in hot Iraq.

How have you all been doing. Time to write to me about your stories and I'll post them as they come. This is your blog as much as mine.

Love ya,
Peace out,
Megan

Sometimes I wonder how much whatever I say matters in the long run. Will people do what they do regardless of the consequences, regardless of the fight we put out against them.

Really I just have to put some crap up here, cause I actually want to finish something. If I don't die first, I'd like to finish May's Nablopomo.

What's nablopomo, a reminder of what it is, National Blog Posting Month. They actually have the challenge up every month.

What's the point? There is no point. I have no noble fantastic purpose in writing these things. I really just want to share myself with the world. Or something.

Do you ever just hate anticipation? I hate waiting for things, too. It will be glorious.

A typical day

Suicide. No one really wants to talk about it. It's such a shame.

My day.

I get up. Gotta eat that sandwich mom brought.

I eat it. does not sit well on the stomach. Perhaps it's protesting after such bland foods as rice and beans.

I get on my computer and start stumbling through blogs. I find one with cute Asian kids. The parent must be proud to take so many pictures.

I get on my gmail account. Nothing there. No wait. Spam.

The hotmail calls. That's where I receive most of my mail, regardless that most of it's junk. I enjoy sorting through it. I end up on facebook, checking out my groups.

I end up on NaBoPoMo. This reminds me of my blog and how I could one day be famous. Famous for have a blog detailing the most boring day in history.

I add myself to the blogroll. Then I think... I want to be famous. What blog directories out there do I need to get myself into? From there is a bunch of directories you can sign up to be in, most out there to make a quick buck from advertising, but interesting nonetheless.

Right now I'm waiting.... waiting... waiting... for the sites to load. Agony.

I get lost in the world of passwords, descriptions, and RSS feeds for a minute. It's a long minute cause the internet is slow as molasses.

Eventually, as I come to realize, all this hullabuloo and fancy metatags aren't worth anything. Having my family read and enjoy my posts is really good enough for me.