Goal #1, Part 5

I get to campus.  Get on a compy and panic, panic, panic.  I feel like I don't have any material to work with, and I feel like I've been changing so much lately that I don't really deserve another change.  I don't know how that works in the real world, but that's how it works in my head. 


I feel like a trapped deer, wanting to bound out of my situation, which is weird, because I'm usually very comfortable with large groups of people. 


I can write this, but not the rhetorical situation of  my document.  What gives?  Mainly, I think this is personal, and I've been very impersonal this semester, so I'm due, but the impersonal, I've been using. 


More panic.  I'm drunk.   Pan, the god of drink. My arms are tensing up and I feel claustrophobic.


Mainly, I'm looking through things through the lens of my mother.  I'm not used to that, usually I ignore her opinions, but today I conceded, because I was sick of hating my professor, and she seemed reasonable.  Now I'm all off kilter.  Oh, well, finish me off, young students.  You won't be getting this later.  I'm out. 

...and back!  I want a soda.  I have this five year old in me who wants food and coffee and soda and candy, like 24/7.  I just want to club him over the head, sometimes. 

DHEAD BABIE SEAL! That reminds me of my dog and how she pretends to be a baby seal resting on an ice flow.  She does it when she's sad.  My dog is full of such nuances.  I love her dearly. 

I'm sitting outside on campus on a picnic table.  It's nice and cool, and the lighting isn't bad.  I am so grumpy feely. 

I'm worried about my brother.  He takes on too much and I haven't been doing enough for him at all.  Maybe that will be an amended goal. 

Also PC is driving me insane.  I feel it from the back of my being.  I really wish he would stop trying to control what he doesn't even care to understand.  I feel like all my real usual spiritual advisors have abandoned me, but maybe I have new ones.  No fun ones tho.  People my age are all about work. 

I find myself just complaining to the wind.  It flies back and hits me in the face.