First Post in 8 Years

Everything is a mess.  My schoolwork isn't doing what it should.  I feel like my professors are against me for the first time in my life.  The FIRST time.  It feels like they don't give a smack what happens to me.  I am old.  I hate it.  I hate everything and I am old.  But excuses are seriously lame. 

So I should plug ahead with my presentations and homework, am I right?  Fine.  I have done everything backwards.  Everything seems backwards.  Say backwards is a theme and my life is a book.  I feel like in the country everything is inside out upside down and backwards, and here, I still feel a smidge of my country roots in that backwardness. 

I miss father's and dad's and spiritual father's and spiritual dad's.  It's like I had them the most when I didn't need them, and now I need them the most and they aren't there. 

I'm being overdramatic.  This is only a short period of time and I will soon get over it.  I do feel my professors don't care. Which is a real issue.  Professors should care.  I think.  Maybe they should only care about certain ones, and leave the rest out to dry.  I have real issues with the grading curve.  Is that a real thing?  with a few getting A's and then mostly B's and C's and with a few getting F's.  I've always wondered what getting an E would be like.  E for Einstein, am I right? 

Anyways, I'm depressed.  I haven't been depressed all semester, but I did stop seeing my counselor.  I thought it wasn't necessary.  And I have so many problems and I feel sorry for burdening him with them.  My mom suggests I take vitamins.  I'm don't think she understands that I'm trying to get off the medication, not add to it.  I feel like a slave to an invisible force, invisible because I refuse to acknowledge it.  Slave because my mom keeps reminding me of them. 

I keep eating!  This sounds weird, but I don't like to eat.  And I have some force in me, probably hormones, that says I probably should eat, and I should eat, but not like 24/7, which is what I have been eating. I am huge, and have giant acne and fried hair!  And a fat face and rolls and a spare tire and half of this stuff I don't take seriously.  I probably should.  Then I'd be really pretty, maybe. 

I want a purpose that I don't seem to have.  I think this ambiguousness is really a good thing, because it means that ultimately, I'm where 90% of the people are, wanting a purpose but not really having one, so they are always seeking one. 

I keep trying to find something in my life.  A purpose, or something wrong with me to fix.  Something that makes meaning of some sort.  Something to work for, to time for, but everything I've done this semester seems like a waste. 

Which brings me to the point of finishing next semester.  Would it be more waste?  Would it be a waste to not finish?  As of right now I don't want to go.  I don't want to finish.  My mom waited until she was 50 to finish her degree.  I could be like her.  I know I could teach or go to librarian school.  But I could also do other things that don't require a degree. 

Mainly, I just want someone to care.