Goal #1, Part 1

Goal #1.  Finish the semester with a bang. 

Not going so well.  The program I need is on campus.  I plan, plan, plan it for campus today, all day to do my project.    Then at the last minute, I chicken out.  I'm having paranoid thoughts.  I feel like "everyone" wants me to fail.  Least that can be said, is that my energy level and motivation are completely bottomed out. 

So I try a change.  Let's do something else altogether from what we planned, and make it a day to stay in to write this essay. 

I lack faith in myself, I lack faith in anything, period. 

I just want to finish, maybe pass one or two classes, but the person I'm begging, my paranoid mind, will not listen and will not forgive.  Mainly, I'm asking too much. 

I should have known that timing my return to school, coinciding with my eventual descent into madness was probably a bad idea.  Perhaps I was looking to some salvation.  Salvation is of the Jews. 

Anyways.  Essay.  I can't seem to write how I usually write, or organize how I usually organize, so I'll have to be creative and think of some other angle to pull it from my butt.  Mainly, I don't have anything to pull from, my butt is a mess.  Lack of faith, again. 

So essay.  It's about Woman's Work and over Gail Simone's interview with Comics Alliance.  I was thinking I could put some thesis up there.  And it has to be profound.  Gail Simone with her interview with Comics Alliance shows groundbreaking work in sexism in the comic book industry.  Well, not exactly profound, does the job. 

ACID REFLUX SUX.  As do cancer and diabetes and most ailments known to man.

Ok, I'm actually trying to write this and feeling a whole mis-matched of botched emotions as I do it.  I can't seem to sort anything out or organize anything.  It's like the third horseman, disease is coming at me full force.  I want to kill myself, that's at the top of the list.  How....? 

Now that I've written the thesis.  a flood of panic/relief floods in.  Untrustworthy, unreliable relief. 

I just had two minor heart attacks, while attempting to write beyond the thesis. 

I'm kind of rethinking this.  I don't want to die.  Most people don't.  This class has been one of my hardest, mostly because I didn't trust the professor and I felt like the whole time she just wanted me to leave.  I really wanted to be in the flow with the whole women's movement thing, I really got that. 

But I don't want to die over an essay.

This is the class I started out badly on.  It's easy to pigeonhole it.  I don't want to fail this class, but I'm failing already.  Maybe I should just cut my losses.  I wanted to do it right...I wanted to ace the class...I wanted to finish even though I'm failing.  Just not at the cost of my life. 

Should I ace the other classes?  Mainly.  Mainly, I'll see if they give me heart attacks, too. 

Also my dad has a vendetta against education which doesn't help at all.