Here's a great chart I made to show sleep helps/aids. 

Sleep Help

Here I am, advertising

So I'm doing an online class at Coursera.com.  And it turns into an infomercial for a research website.  I'm really flexible with online classes and you got to give the profs props for advertising his site this way.

The other side of me, the serious student says what the hell, I'm being cheated, because I really wanted to learn about dogs, it's an Dog Emotions and Cognition class, but the class is free so you can't really say that.   And his site is really like what a lab might be in an actual class. 

Maybe it's me, I've been having a weird feeling towards education that's been brewing for a while.  I used to worship education, but now, I have some inclement of dissent. 

I just feel bad for them.  There must be some better way to get out information about a site which is relevant to the majority of dog owners.  Maybe a short ad on Hulu, or Netflix.  How can you advertise research?  You can't promise reward....or can you....our Dognition, so aptly named to combine dog and cognition offers a free report on your dog.  Awesome.  I feel like, this is a situation that needs to be addressed.  Free advertising for people doing important research. 

He also recommends his book for the class.  I have checked it out of the library, and it seems simple.  Needs complexity. 

Notice

If you read my How I Got a Job blog, I have changed it's privacy level to private.  If you want to be considered for the readership, email me at megan.elizabeth.coker@gmail.com. 

Tired of No Rights

They say never go to the grocery store when you are hungry.  I think it is the same with writing when you are sad.  Sadness begets sadness, happiness begets happiness. 

but sometimes the injustices you face are too much.  Hulu.  I paid for a subscription and now they say they don't have my e-mail in the system?  Is that a joke? 

And the page I got to says that they will look it up by my credit card number?  Are you kidding me?  Ugly Betty. 

And I go to the counselor because I felt bad.  They recommend that I quit school and go to a hospital.  I've been way more depressed than this.  I feel like they are just trying to get rid of a non-traditional student. 

It's these blurred lines.  It's like you could almost fight for your rights, but not exactly.  It's like someone nicely saying they hate you. 

The Hulu thing, I think I can, but the school counselor telling me go to a hospital, is more subtle.  You can't say, oh they don't want me to go to school.  I'm just sick of hospitals.  11 in 12 years, that averages to about once a year.  I'm not mentally unstable. Just sad.  And I have poor social skills.  That's all. 

This is a pity party to me, but when you're rights are infringed what do you do?  My right to pay for something and have it be there.  My right to an education. 

My mom was very brave to talk to me today.  She is very bad at it, but it's nice to know someone can sit for a second and think about me. 

Sabbeths

I feel like making laws and commandments.  For myself, and practically for others.  They are practical laws, thought up by a practical person.  

The law is:  Sabbeths. 

They are on Saturday, despite the differences in the Gregorian/Jewish calendars. 

Should we rest?

For our health.  For the blessing. 

Should we not rest? 

John 5:17.  But Jesus answered them, My Father is working until now, and I also am working.  This was in response to those who wanted to kill Jesus because He was working on the Sabbath.

All the Old Testament ordinances are there to prolong life to add to life and to shelter the Jews until he could come for His people.  A child-conductor. The new testament ordinances are to spread the Gospel of God.  The Old Testament is the flesh and the New Testament is the ordinances of the Spirit. 

So should we follow the Old Testament or the New Testament? Is there a both? 

I'm leaning towards the Old Testament, only because I'm not spiritually deft enough to know when the Father is moving and how the gospel is going out. 

I'm afraid to work.  I don't believe I have enough energy to work.  Lack of faith.  Also I have a lot of hate to deal with.  I don't take things seriously enough.  I don't want to offend anyone.  And there's a lot of work that the Lord wants to get done that I just don't understand enough to take up the reins.  I don't want to keep failing and failing at God's work.  I have a lot of excuses.  I feel like I'm too different from the workers of Christ. 

So I would choose the New Testament if I wasn't a old 31-year-old gal, who needed rhythms and repetition, who's flesh was failing.

So Old Testament it is.  Until I understand resting in a more complete way.   If I follow the resting of creation, maybe I will understand better resting when God rests from the work He has done. 

What's important in life?

What is important in life, is to play a character.  To be a tool.  To function in some capacity.  To be someone, somebody.  Even a no-one is someone.  To have a name. 

I really don't feel like writing. The atmosphere is oppressive and the burning in my throat is painful. 
Now I'm just sad about the computer gnomes.  They are the little people that make the computer work.  They like to share mushroom mead with the mind gnomes.  Those guys that make my mind work.  I'm not crazy.  The gnomes are crazy. 

It's a lot of fear holding me back. 

Fear is a good propellant, but the problem is that it often backfires and has no control.  Like oil in the ground, it has to sit for a billion years to solidify into oil and be refined into gas.  Ah, gas.  I'm still not over the double meaning even though it's been to long. 

And watching Ugly Betty.  They emphasize every word like nobody's business.  Which helps because I think I'm going deaf.  I won't admit it to anyone. 

Stupid Evil is Lindsey Lohan's contribution to the show.  I've been attributing those dungeon and dragon labels to people lately.  Well a bastardization of them.  Chaotic Good, Lawful Evil and so on.  It is alignment.   Today I'm Neutral Neutral, falling into Neutral Evil. 

I'm struggling with a lot of internal issues right now. I wanted to call a friend from church, but the air was too thick and I couldn't think.

Speculation, speculation.  I read somewhere that we shouldn't speculate.  I think it was a church leaflet, but I can't remember and it's really bugging me.

To explain all the selfish ramblings sometimes I just want to talk about myself, because I'm stuck with me. I'd like to talk about other people.  I can't seem to dial myself to other.  It's like that setting was erased.  I have Me, Mother, Dog, and School.  And all these are related to me.  So.  This is a disclaimer for those people who are wondering. 

I think I miss my old boyfriend.  He was always up for my speculation, getting everyone together to take care of everyone. 

I remember watching Ugly Betty in high school, and I can't seem to place the years that it spanned. 

I think Ninja needs a man owner.  I love my dog, but I'm a boring mom who can't drive  to the dog park.  We're getting obedience lessons, it will have to do.  I do what I can.  I want her to be ok around other dogs.  She is ok around other dogs, just not paying attention and focused.  but who am I to say anything, ADD queen. 

I have anxiety.  At the hospital they encouraged me to take those anxiety pills, and I love being relaxed, but I can't stand the thought of taking more pills than I take anyway.  I'm trying to get off them. 

I love being with people, but I can't stand how it feels alone after I'm alone after being with them, I can't focus on my goals, and I'm torn to pieces.  I don't like a lack of control. Nobody does, really.  I guess you could focus on their goals.  I guess it helps to know them.  Also there's the God aspect.  I keep thinking about all the nuns in the world.  All those good eggs wasted on the Lord.  Those divine seers living in a closet and cutting off their hands for God.  Sometimes it feels so done.  Don't get me wrong, I love God.  But I don't want to be a babbling idiot for God...I want to be one of the awesome ones.  I don't know how they do it week after week and year after year.

I'm all rotten and corrupted, because of my unsavory past.  Sometimes the character that I feel is easiest to play is the villan.  I don't even know how, but I'm thinking a hairy fuzzy monster or the psycho...But I don't know how well that plays into God and the Bible.  There's two women in the Bible, the heroine, the church and the bloodthirsty villan, Babylon the Great.  Who am I?   

I think I'm channeling my past boyfriend.  He was the one who was all sweet to me.  He's also very secretive and would hate for me to write this.  That's why I'm thinking about giving up on blogs for a while.  I feel guilty channeling people, even if it's my own bemusing.  Killed it. 

Feedback. Life. Bucket of Issues.

I don't get much feedback.  But recently, I heard that my blog was scaring my grandmother, bless her heart.  She's the only grandmother I have left and would love to preserve her safely in a box,  like those double Barbie toys we got one year and preserved it to sell later on E-Bay (I don't think they even had E-bay back then.)  She's got to be at least 87 and that's when my other grandmother passed.  So I'm trying to figure out how to savor the moments we have left.  Even though she didn't invite me to her house last Christmas. 

I didn't even know she read my blog, but I think this means I am on the right track. 

If anyone else hates or feels depressed or is even scared by my blog, by all means post a comment regarding your reservations and answer your feelings on my blog.  I want to know how my writing affects you.  Do you eagerly await a new post?  or do cringe at the mention?  I would like to know. Call it a life experiment if you will. 

So pretty much everything's horrible.  I am in school, but I can't get all uberstudious, because Really?  When am I ever going to use Communication Law, Trigonometry, or Russian literature?   I'm not going to use them. 

I'm really thinking of going back to UTA for a English degree/Communication Minor, and Psychology Masters  So why am I getting this degree first?  Principle.  And Practicality.  If I get this degree first and my learning mechanism conks out, I'll have this degree.  But if I try to get a two year degree and fall out of love with English...I'll be up a creek without a paddle. 

If I fail out after I've got my degree, well, I still have that degree to fall back on. 

*I've had to rescind some of my writing, because it talked about my mother and some of her problems.  The Bible says to honor your mother and father.  I agree with this, but I needed to talk about my problems with someone.  And this blog is all I have.  I'm reaching out to some people in my church, but I don't want to break any of their hearts with the problems I've had with her.  It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't. 


There's a whole bucket of issues with people and me, but I don't want to get into it right now.  All I know is that my mom has promised me that she will get another vehicle for me to drive.  Several times.  And if she doesn't and violates that trust I have in her.  I don't know what I'll do.  There's really nothing I can do, but beg the Spirit of Arlington to give me another job, run off and become a bum, or do nothing and watch tv the rest of my life like my poor Aunt Peggy.  

OR???? Become a truck driver.  I'm studying to pass my test right now.  Updates to follow. 

Crumpled feeling and Life, I wax poetic.

Today the uber strong and super woman is weak. 

Why?

Because I got used to being strong and weakness is a failure for me, not a success.     

Eating and staying awake and exercising and taking care of people was strong.  Strength in the small things.  Now I'm weak and wimpy like the tail of a curled up possum in the leaves.  I'm clean and white and small and weak. 

Like a white egg yolk, flimsy and fluid, retaining the shape of the container.  For someone or something else,  so bubbling in the heat from the frying pan.  I know each moment to be my last dance. 

So tired.  Faces, names, escape me.  I wish I wasn't watching this ice cold screen of white death.  Lost in a technological blizzard.  I no longer have the supporting cocoon of my mom's mom's love and my dad's dad's guidance.  We are left with barely a light to limp along with.  And mostly the darkness.

Time to go spend more time with myself.  Alone.   In the dark. Well, with a small, black dog.   

When I Realized What God Desires: Based on the Bible

I was zoning out before the church home group I'm going to attend, and I noticed my browser was on a Facebook page for the Universal Body of Christ.  I was skimming it, not really interested and then I read the cover photos verse.  It read "God desires all men to be saved and come to the full knowledge of the truth.  I read it again, not really seeing it.  But suddenly,  I realized that was what I had prayed, a couple of months ago.  Lord Jesus God,  that I could know what You desire.  Here it was in White Impact font, letters on a mountain background.

God Desires All Men To Be Saved And To Come To The Full Knowledge Of The Truth.


Now we know.  We don't have to guess.  Oh, no one can tell what God is thinking...blah de blah.  We know.  God desires all men to be saved.  and to come to the full knowledge of the truth.  So then...we should be aides and abettors of men being saved and coming to the full knowledge of the truth.  So we need to help people be saved.  We need to help people come to the full knowledge of the truth. We need to save people.  Bringing them to the full knowledge of the truth.  (which is just Christ.)

Long Complicated Mind Hacks

I'm burning to death.  I mean it.  Underneath my skin feels like hot pokers are stabbing me.  I don't know if it's my body's response to the cold, but I've been inside more than 20 minutes and my small blood vessels keep dilating.  I'm freaking out about it because it's really distracting, not to mention painful.  I feel the pain mostly on my face and scalp.

Maybe I can make the pain motivation?  Most people think, oh yeah, motivation to not go outside without a scarf, and that is a yes, but really?  I'm thinking I can dissect the pain into convincing myself that will happen to me if I don't start working on my homework.  The subconscious is really really easy to trick and hates pain.  On the other hand, it can create pain if it believes fully into it, so I'm not going to try this mind hack.

I now feel so sleepy and tired. Trying to get motivated.  On the bed.

*********************************************************************************

Now I can't focus.  At my desk.  Super grumpy. Am I going to get married and become a person hater?  I think I will.  It will just happen.  Also I am in the body and mind of an old woman!  It's like I've aged and I can't stop my body from falling apart.  I can't stop forgetting things.  I'm super selfish, like I've lived all my life on Click and can't wait til it's over and I don't care what happens in between.  I'm pretending to be patient.  I have to convince myself it's worth it.  Justify it to myself.  It's endlessly frustrating.  And what's frustrating is the opposite, as well.  If I were fully invested in life...I would know that the outcome was this old womanishness, and I would deter.  Everything is annoying.  EVERYTHING.

then I get a surge of productiveness and I use it on looking up news stories, or typing on this thing.

Ok, I'm going to go hmwk my butt off.  Pray for me.

I just did that.  Laid down the law.  And then my brain said PANIC! I actually panicked.  Because I laid down the law and wanted to kill everyone for my "super important" stuff.

This takes a lot of humility. Ryan Garmon's baby is the cutest baby I've ever seen.  That is all.  Here I go again.  Up in the air like a skyrocket, jack in the box!  Brain body connection please.  Super distracted.  I can't think like I used to, got to think in a different way.

Little Spiritual Tid Bit and Community Building

Enemy.  I looked up what it means.  Sectioned up it basically means "not friend."  Do you know what this means?  That means when Jesus says love your enemies, he means love anyone who is not your friend!  I don't really know where he was going with heaping coals on their heads.  But it's an interesting revelation. 



The Headings are from Massive Sway Powered by The SITS Girls - 4 Ways to Create Community on Your Blog in 2013 - The Text is Original Commentation by Me

Read And Comment Often

This means in conversation that you should listen.  People don't listen in conversations, they simply feel.  Well, get a feel for the person, but don't use that to define them. Feelings are fluctuating and changing.  For dealing with people shallowly, in a disinterested basis, you can use your feelings.  If you want to get to know someone in more than a shallow level, you should not go by just your feelings, but what you hear from them.  This is a more timely and accurate way of deeply connecting with someone.

Make sure your comments are heuristic which means letting people discover for themselves, and in theory meaning that there is lots of theory which can be postulated and created from the comment itself.   So in essence your comments should lead to self discovery, and not be blatant obvious and blunt, though there is a place for that type of speech.

Love, Care and Share

You should love your friends and your enemies and God when you find Him.  Caring about people is as much preparing yourself as actual caring for another person.  Make sure the people are receptive to the love, caring and sharing  You don't want to offend.  This love and caring and sharing takes many forms, so experiment and see what works for you and the other person.  This is a deeper level of communication than  just reading and commenting.  An example of love would be feeling for a person, even if you don't say anything.  An example of care is buying a person a drink or offering them their coat even if it's cold.  If you want to share something, feel free, share something that may touch someone else.

Reciprocate

When someone notices or appreciates you, no matter who they are, notice them.  I know, I know, stay away from creeps.  Most people aren't creepy. If they are they're probably stuck in yellow wallpaper.  People who go out of their way not to notice you, please do the same.  They are probably not worth your time and you don't need to cater to sensitive attitudes who would just abuse your love.  So don't hate, reciprocate.

Connect Outside Of Your Situation

This is for advanced community students.  If  you are comfortable../ too comfortable...you should definitely try to connect outside of your comfort zone.  Life is for the brave so don't keep yourself bound by your circumstances and your small close knit circle of friends.  Embrace change in all it's aspects. In fact, not embracing change makes life more memorable, but don't ruin anyone's parade with it. Take the change as it comes and try not to be too surprised.

Promotion

This whole promoting your blog...I thought about the project.  And, I even started on the venture.  It seemed cool to write about how you make your blog awesomer and beloved by all the people.

However, the more I looked at it, the more I felt like I was promoting myself or "a bunch of words."  As I do read the Bible and am a Christian, I want to boast only in Christ.  So I decided to promote myself, my character (besmirched, though it may be) and the Bible instead.  Which I already do in small ways, except this time it will be more organized and based off of web pages.  I love converting writings into another more useful more true version of itself, so this will be fun for me, too.

Also, I'd love to become a life coach someday and this is what a life coach does.

The condition I'm in now:

Negatives

I'm out of shape, pretty ugly, acne, like to take long periods of time without showers. (A couple of days.)  I dress funky.  Health-wise, I take medication.

I have a lot of annoying gross habits.  Picking my nose, giving myself a wedgie, farting.

I have very poor character.  I'm  angry, I'm hurtful.  I'm confused. I'm lazy and sloppy and not hard working.  I don't trust anyone.  I skip out of meetings to which I should go.  I ignore people to which I should pay attention.  I don't really get out much.  I'm stubborn.  I don't seek the things of god or of the spirit.  I hide from things about which I should be bold.   I listen and put faith into lies and liars.  (Build on sinking sand.) I'm selfish and self-centered.  I hate people and don't cover with love.

I'm abrupt and too quiet and inflexible in speech.  I don't speak when I should speak.  I don't stand up and prophesy.  I don't speak for God.  I sit in meetings and can't think of a thing to say.  I talk based on visuals, not on energy.

My relationships aren't good.  I don't have any friends.  I don't have any mentors or professors to which I can talk.  I have some church relationships.  my family relationships are terrible.  my relationship with god is very weak.  My relationship with my dog is good, but it has been weakened, as well as my relationship with my mother.

I'm going to school, but afraid of what will happen to me.  Will I go crazy or change in a way that disturbs me?  I'm afraid of using one space between sentences.

I do nothing that would help me make money.  I'm on social security.


Positives

I can be pretty from certain angles, some of the time.

I am a Christian, I love my God.  I love my dog.  I love my mom. I care about people and their futures.

In conversation I'm interested in other people and how the conversation is going. Yet at the same time, I'm very determined.  I have my moments.  I feel emotions strongly.

I'm a really good advertiser and writer, when the subject interests me.   I am well-read.  I focus on the small details.  I don't waste time.  I seek the truth.   I believe things and people have an ideal self that pertains to their function.

I'm really good at decorating and organizing objects pleasingly.  I know how to clean, cook and sew with a sewing machine. I can knit, sew, make jewelry, and cross stitch. I collect sayings. I support animal welfare, being a vegetarian. I'm crazy about psychology research. I'm curious and a perfectionist.  I'm pretty good at grammar.

I'm going to school to finish in the fall at UTA,   Am learning how to write songs and relearning how to write with Coursera.

I'm always looking for a job, analyzing the job market, except when I'm in school and it would be too stressful.

I have four great blogs.


That is my character and my person.  Which I feel should be more God like and in line with God's purpose.  As for the Bible and promoting it:  Not enough people know about the Bible in an intimate way.  They know all the stories like they know internet memes, but to have a part of it be your fundamental being.  Who you are for a purpose, not many people know.  That's what I would like to have happen.  People carry around in their hearts and love their Bibles in my church and community. I want to preach the gospel! I first have to get rid of my being to be His being so i can express Him, not my sloppy, ugly self.  He modifies us in all ways.  

God and Life

I've been a little depressed lately, Reading some scripture and the word is hard to hear.  It applies to my life and the church life.  I just feel subhuman in some ways.

I feel like that depression is good for the church and that goes against all my happy go luckiness.  The belief that happiness is the greatest good, etc.

But I did have an experience in my life applying the scripture where I felt that I was doing the right thing, even though it was letting down a friend.  It's so hard when moral questions come into it.

It's hard because you want to be nice, you want that experience of being with someone who is great, but you have to realize is that God wants pictures of Himself more than anything.  (Vain, maybe, He's God, who am I to question?)  God is not sneaking off in the middle of the night.  He is getting married openly and inviting many people.  He is waiting and watching for his bride.  He is struggling and fighting to gain ones to make his bride.  So he wants us to give the biggest life choice of our lives to Him and make a picture that He can "use as a template" for his wedding day, as we use Him as ours.

Stuffs.

Feeling so stressed lately.  My neck and back are all sore and tense.  I promise that wasn't a come on, Just the way things roll.

Lately I've been wanting to write a series on a freelance writer.  Her ups and downs.  I know, boring right?  But you get the write writers and the rite actors.  Could be awesome peeps.  A project for fun to do to eliminate the boredom.

But as I said I'm too stressed to do anything more than what I'm doing.

Stuff Jenga.

Ok, I've been furious and angry lately and I realized It's because I was ignoring a problem.  And the problem was me. 

I keep getting stuck.  Kind of like Disney sidekicks, if there's a problem it had to be resolved my way, or you would definitely hear some sort of inward rant coming up in me. 

Kind of a dumb revelation.  I knew there was a problem.  But the problem was me.  Not this website.  Not my body or it's slowness or my mind.  But my reaction to these problems. 

There is a certain place for people who can't handle problems.  The Mental Hospital.  I should know, I've been there.  Letting stuff build up that you can't control is like being careless with matches. Or playing stuff jenga.  What a mess. 

Don't ignore your body's signals.  When you are stressed, take a break, sort it out.  Don't be a mess. 

Hannah M.

So the agony is gone.  I'm less stressed about the future.  I talked to my DARS Career Counselor and she says things are good, that I can put my account on hold until a little before graduation. 

I can just wait til the holidays are over to get to work. 

One small problem.  Can I get through the holidays.  A whole lot of nothing stretches out before me.  We don't celebrate, so Christmas is meaningless.  And New Years we might have some champagne. 

So that's this week and 4 more weeks.  Of nothing.  I should be reveling in this.  REVELING.   But I'm not.  I don't want work, I want fun, play.   I want to make fun of work.  Wait, that's me all the time. 

What is between equilibrium and chaos?  An even better mingling of chaos/equilibrium that remains to be found!?  Stay in the flow my friend, stay in the flow, like a river rock. 

Ok, this is really what I want to work on.  I don't really know what I'm talking about but it's so much fun and is really cool and relevant to people's situations. 

What I should be working on is other people and my communication and connection. Facebook.  I will take advantage of that site. 

What I shouldn't be working on.  Probably snuggling my dog too much when she's not feeling it. I end up smelling her puppy shampoo which is quite delicious, but she gets annoyed and ticked off, which rubs off on me and then I'm irritated. 

Ok, there's three things I'm thinking about doing....
1.  Messaging all my facebook friends all with a personal message.  LOL NOT. I do not have the patience nor the stamina to say hello to all my 649 "friends." What I will do is send out a general holiday greeting. 
2.  Calling all my phone contacts to wish them a happy holidays.  This is more realistic, but I think I can only do one or two a day. 
3.  Volunteering at the animal shelter.  They have openings, even on the 25th, so they must need help. 

Oh, and Hannah M. got engaged.  Solid.  

In Which When I Didn't Take Meds Affects Me Significantly

So I did it.  I decided to change to an English major and take two more years of this nonsense.  I'm at the same time ashamed and elated.  This is a miracle, that I know I can't afford.  I don't know what I'm doing and this is the worst way to make a decision, just on a whim.  I can't find any serious helpful mentor like people to put my trust into and faith that I'm making the right decision.  In fact, I know I'm making a bad decision and am thinking of reversing it.  That just makes sense, am I right?  What in the world am I thinking?  I have several good reasons for doing it, but in my life, for Me, it doesn't make sense.  I haven't told my mom yet.  I don't know how she'll feel.  How am I going to afford it?  Will there be financial aid?  What if I get into it and it's really hard, like the woman's literature class I took? 

In Which I Didn't Take Meds.

So I didn't take my medication.  The one with the dopamine receptor blocker?  I'm already tripping balls on dopamine.  Yay, hormones. 

I don't like what they do to us.  Experimenting with the human body to see if something works.  I don't like it and I refuse to take it anymore.  So I'm not taking Zyprexa or olanzapine as they call it now.

Not openly, of course, I will ask my psychologist when I go to the appointment, but this an experiment of my own to see how well someone would handle it. 

I shouldn't be doing this before my one final....I don't know what will happen.  But I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to shut it down and take the pill. 

I needed to tell someone, so dear readers, I'm telling you.  Don't tell anyone!  I promise I'll be safe.  People do trippy balls drugs all the time, so getting off a anti-psychotic shouldn't be that hard.  I hope the monsters stay away tonight because I don't know if I'm sleeping. 

Goal #2, Day 2 of Deliberations

I feel like my deliberations aren't really interesting.  They are already decided in the minds of those who matter.  And I somehow missed seeing what they were.  The future will pass us by...

I want to stop.  Stop going to school, but I've been having inner struggles, and the usual shameless "go to school" plugs.  How would my life change?  Should I wait until my kids are out of school, like my mom did?  Would it  be too big a change in life later from undegreed to degreed?  Stupid stupid problems. 

What about the world today?  What about isolated people who like to shoot people?  In my opinion we don't need guns.  Only the law enforcement and black market should have them.  People don't need guns.  America is not going anywhere, people.  There is no communist state.  These people don't vote at school board elections.  They don't vote for city elections, they don't exercise their civil rights.  They are separated from society.  We need more mental health checks.  I know I'd never want a gun, that I'd be to irresponsible with it.  My background doesn't show very much control over myself.  I know i'm irresponsible, so really lonely, mentally deranged people?  Yes, if to get a job you have to go through a mental health assessment, you should at least go through one to get a gun, that can kill people. 

Goal #2, Part 4

When I made goal #2, I was feeling betrayed by UTA for making classes so difficult that I couldn't pass them.  I felt like the professor was singling me out for failure, because I am a nontraditional student and I didn't trust her at all.  I felt like she didn't want me there, and that totally threw off my game.  I forgive her and all, but it was the worst feeling for my first class. 

I accidentally used the wrong poem on my first essay, but I thought that my second essay was pretty good, but I got the same grade as my first essay.  Before these essays I missed class for a week to go to the mental hospital.  It was frustrating, to say the least.  She counted off for the missed work and absences, which I totally understand. 

I got a bad start, but in my other classes there was no problems, and I made ok grades. 

So I was getting over educational heartbreak and a lot of other emotions as I wrote these goals.  But I still feel like I should keep them.  It's like I've been looking at the options so long that neither one make sense.  Should I do this or that?  Maybe it's because I've been looking at finishing or not finishing as DUMB goals or even GROW goals, but not SMART goals. 


Who?  Me and students and professors and the rest of our lives...
What? Finishing my degree. 
When?  Next semester, and in the summer, morning classes
Where? at UTA
How?through fin aid, by a car hopefully, through registering

I just don't want to go crazy.  I feel it coming on, insanity, in the back of my mind. 

I keep thinking what I will do after graduation will be different, but almost the same as what I do if I stop now.  I keep thinking about my energy and how that all will affect me, the school, my future. 

I'm worried that I will change, as a person.  Become more grumpy, or mean or nicer or what. 

Wondering what my secretary degree is worth.