What's important in life?

What is important in life, is to play a character.  To be a tool.  To function in some capacity.  To be someone, somebody.  Even a no-one is someone.  To have a name. 

I really don't feel like writing. The atmosphere is oppressive and the burning in my throat is painful. 
Now I'm just sad about the computer gnomes.  They are the little people that make the computer work.  They like to share mushroom mead with the mind gnomes.  Those guys that make my mind work.  I'm not crazy.  The gnomes are crazy. 

It's a lot of fear holding me back. 

Fear is a good propellant, but the problem is that it often backfires and has no control.  Like oil in the ground, it has to sit for a billion years to solidify into oil and be refined into gas.  Ah, gas.  I'm still not over the double meaning even though it's been to long. 

And watching Ugly Betty.  They emphasize every word like nobody's business.  Which helps because I think I'm going deaf.  I won't admit it to anyone. 

Stupid Evil is Lindsey Lohan's contribution to the show.  I've been attributing those dungeon and dragon labels to people lately.  Well a bastardization of them.  Chaotic Good, Lawful Evil and so on.  It is alignment.   Today I'm Neutral Neutral, falling into Neutral Evil. 

I'm struggling with a lot of internal issues right now. I wanted to call a friend from church, but the air was too thick and I couldn't think.

Speculation, speculation.  I read somewhere that we shouldn't speculate.  I think it was a church leaflet, but I can't remember and it's really bugging me.

To explain all the selfish ramblings sometimes I just want to talk about myself, because I'm stuck with me. I'd like to talk about other people.  I can't seem to dial myself to other.  It's like that setting was erased.  I have Me, Mother, Dog, and School.  And all these are related to me.  So.  This is a disclaimer for those people who are wondering. 

I think I miss my old boyfriend.  He was always up for my speculation, getting everyone together to take care of everyone. 

I remember watching Ugly Betty in high school, and I can't seem to place the years that it spanned. 

I think Ninja needs a man owner.  I love my dog, but I'm a boring mom who can't drive  to the dog park.  We're getting obedience lessons, it will have to do.  I do what I can.  I want her to be ok around other dogs.  She is ok around other dogs, just not paying attention and focused.  but who am I to say anything, ADD queen. 

I have anxiety.  At the hospital they encouraged me to take those anxiety pills, and I love being relaxed, but I can't stand the thought of taking more pills than I take anyway.  I'm trying to get off them. 

I love being with people, but I can't stand how it feels alone after I'm alone after being with them, I can't focus on my goals, and I'm torn to pieces.  I don't like a lack of control. Nobody does, really.  I guess you could focus on their goals.  I guess it helps to know them.  Also there's the God aspect.  I keep thinking about all the nuns in the world.  All those good eggs wasted on the Lord.  Those divine seers living in a closet and cutting off their hands for God.  Sometimes it feels so done.  Don't get me wrong, I love God.  But I don't want to be a babbling idiot for God...I want to be one of the awesome ones.  I don't know how they do it week after week and year after year.

I'm all rotten and corrupted, because of my unsavory past.  Sometimes the character that I feel is easiest to play is the villan.  I don't even know how, but I'm thinking a hairy fuzzy monster or the psycho...But I don't know how well that plays into God and the Bible.  There's two women in the Bible, the heroine, the church and the bloodthirsty villan, Babylon the Great.  Who am I?   

I think I'm channeling my past boyfriend.  He was the one who was all sweet to me.  He's also very secretive and would hate for me to write this.  That's why I'm thinking about giving up on blogs for a while.  I feel guilty channeling people, even if it's my own bemusing.  Killed it.