Forthwith.

So bored today.  I woke up at 9, very very very awake.  Like I had wanted to for a very long time.

The morning was great and normal.

The afternoon was a little scary because I couldn't think.

The evening is slyly ok.  I get to sneak in a thought or two.

I was soooo  bored though.  I'm not used to filling in the hours, with stuff that requires a lesser amount of energy.  I'm a dumper, I wake up late in the afternoon, roar until 11 pm.  Rage against the machine, I guess.  I kept picking up a book then putting it down.

And everything I do takes less than 10 hours to do, although I do it brilliantly.

So I was twiddling my thumbs, also wondering why I couldn't think.  I read a lot, cleaned, messed around on the computer.  But everything was the most boring it could be.  It was so weird for me not to be able to think of something interesting to do.  I was glad for the morning time to clean, but in the afternoon, I guess I could have dipped into my hobbies, my online classes on skillshare and coursera, but I'm trying that thing where you avoid everything but your goals.   Mine are pretty basic.

Get up in the morning, Get to bed at a reasonable hour at night, Exercise, Cleaning the house, and god/spirituality/meditation, and beauty/health. Pretty general.  

Cleaned most of the house, we didn't have paper towels so we didn't get to the windows.  I just have to do it every week.  Thought of a reward for that, too.

Those are the basics, I feel like I have to master to level at life.  I have tons of hobbies, but if I don't master the basics, then I won't have a good foundation.

Also, what is this trend of workbook books?  I like it.

My leg is so asleep I cannot feel it at all.  All feeling is lost.

I want to meditate everything good into my life.  I watched a futuristic video that showed a group of people who felt that certain people deserved death, so they all came together and made a list of people that they wished would die and wished death on them and most of them died.

I don't think I'd do that.  But thought is powerful.  It could be a dangerous weapon to weild.  And I'd probably pray/meditate.  Because there might be a higher power.  And there's always someone above you, right?  So.

I watched some tv, too.

I keep trying to lay down the law for myself.  Here's an example.

So thus you verily did troth waketh in the time of morning, you shall have done a good deed upon your servant.

So thus, the realm of boredom didith come upon you in the middle of the daylight hours.

Verily shall thee, find small boring things to do, that do not require much thought if thee shall continue to waketh in the morning.

And shall thee not continue, thee shall not concern thyself with the matter forthwith.

And here is the law laid down upon myself.

In which I wish I had a job. and really just talk about my current job

I just really want a job.

I know, I know, I have a job.

I have a great job.  I have a great job that little me would be proud of big me to be having.

But ever since my dad left for Kyrgyzstan, I haven't had a job.  I've been separated from my little self, stopped growing, stopped believing in myself or anything else.  And I know what's happening because it happened in 2005, when he left for the Middle East the first time.

It was harder then, I had more expectations for myself, I was in college, going to church full time.

Now I'm just waiting and watching and hoping in fear that I won't (in the words of the late, great Shirley Temple) crack up.  Kill myself.  I still have my plan, kind of an exit strategy, you wouldn't understand unless you had mental illness, why someone would have a plan.  It's just there in the back of your head, if the hell gets too bad, you can action it out and get help for the bad stuff.  It's really just a silent scream that you hope the spirits see and when they do, they will stop harassing you.  "Look!  She's killing herself...that's how bad you made her feel!"  Something like that.

So I want a job, but I don't have any sense of authority.  Absolutely none.  I couldn't put myself under anyone if I tried.  Completely impossible.  I guess people think that if you don't believe in God, and if you've had your dad manage your spiritual life from a child and then he leaves and starts to act out Satan in your life, not through his fault, just cause we America and we don't let in ex-pats, thus everything I get from him is slant, then you can't really be under anyone's authority.

I'm so so so so so so so so so afraid I'll lose my job.  One day wake up and not be able to get out of bed because the hate is so physically strong that my weak body can't resist it.  Has that ever happened to you?  I once tried to go into my job but the hate feeling was so strong that I had to call my boss and quit because I couldn't shake that feeling.  When my dad was here, that fear was gone. I always had someone to count on to help me with that hate.  Now he's gone.  He was very good at making the hate turn into love and I think the hate turns in to love through hurt and pain.  I just don't know if I can do the same.  It's like Megan Making Megan Making Mgan Making Megan.  Kinda makes me nauseous.
I was afraid I'd lose my job before this.  But somehow things went on and I didn't die and I'm still at my job.  Now I'm even more afraid I'll lose my job.

Will I go back on disability?  I'm not super depressed I just have really really really bad luck.  The church probably hates me and you know how that goes.  Once a group of really bored determined people gets together to hate you, you pretty much are doomed.

Every time I go to my room and lie down on the bed, the hate rises up. I even got a new mattress.  No help.

I can't control my time or my feelings.  I keep doing things like this....Thinking that my typing here, or enjoyment of a show there is more important than my job tomorrow.  I don't think this consciously, I'm just in the moment and I just keep sucking the feelings, feelings which may come out of the communal pool.  I hate it.  I can't predict the future.  There are no men in my life.

No dad, not really a brother, no friends, no relatives, no males where I work.  I feel so alienated from great universal maleness.

So I want a job. A job where I can come under authority.  or a job where I don't have to come under authority?  Is there one of those things yet?  Please comment below.

Where I get out all my feelings

So it's like this.  Your dad fed you when you were a kid.  Spaghetti.  When he wasn't around you felt his presence, like a guiding light. Even when he was wrong he was right.

Now he's not there anymore.  He's on the other side of the world.

Now he's not there to metamorphize double lipid bilayers with you.   True loneliness sets it, a kind of red/black miasma that reminds you of ebola patients puke.  You are lonely for him and the other people that he touched are lonely for him and you meet in a disappointed middle, and sucking at each other create a huge vacuum.

Then you don't have a period for a month.  It's not because you're pregnant, but possibly that you could never be pregnant.  I don't know how periods work.  You're mom is a vegetable, practically, incapable of feelings, or considering how other people work.   She is selfish and mirroristic.  How can you love a mirror?  Maybe you don't shoot a mockingbird, but you don't share your life with one either.  You want to get out her real feelings, but when you do, she loses a part of herself permanently, and has gaps in concentration, in which at first you reveled as you winning the epic battle against the parental units, but now you worry because is she going senile?  I think I need my mom, but is she even my mom anymore?

So you're father has left physically for the other side of the world.  He keeps trying to break you to make himself feel better.  Other people are clamoring for more of your father that you can't provide. You are clamoring for more of your father that he can't provide.  Your mom's going senile.  Your sisters on a pleasure cruise in California and your brother never gives an inch.  Just takes one.  He and Sayward and Marlene have the same selfishness, that ever awes you because you used to give up your life for anyone at a the tip of a hat.

So to make yourself feel better for not having a dad or even really a mom or sister or brother to depend on, you write a post, trying to grow antigens, antibodies, something to make this feel better.  Because all these people who loved your father, thought he was you and keep trying to make you make them feel this way, that they felt.  I just don't have enough.

I had a huge long post dropout 7 year long depression in which things were wrenched out of my being that I didn't even know were there.  Then 5 years of light happiness, where I reverberated from slightly happy on the outside to slightly abnormal.  Then two years of sheer relief from my dad being home and me thinking that I actually could get a job.  Now I'm thrown....where? Into the pit of despair, again.

I stopped believing in the bible.  because Genesis makes no sense.  I get that there are rules and that people should have them and there is right and wrong, I'm not immoral.  I believe in Jesus because look at his miracles, he was pretty real.  I just can't support something that I don't believe.  And that's finally come to a head.  Sorry, church people who love to redeem us sinners from the world, that's just how it is.  The creation story doesn't make a lick of sense.  Yay, the terrorists win.  Actually I think they also have a pretty strange origin story, themselves.  Also, I really think that people who are in the church who leave are expected to swear a lot.  I really don't like swearing, if you want someone to swear for you, pick someone who does heavy metal or is a Satanist or something like that.  I really don't like swearing, even if it's for one of ""God's angels."  You know what I mean.

I feel a little better.  I think they were just looking for profound honesty about myself that I can't really always do.  Especially of late.  I keep floating.  I'm like a cloud.  And something about daffodils.  Jk.  Poetry nerd joke.  What I'm trying to say is that I'm not an honesty machine.  I have to hide from the world too.  I'm not super profound.  I feel like people want me to get depressed all the time, so I have something profound to share with them.  On the other hand, there's people who want me to be happy all the time.  No thank you.  I'd like to stay mostly neutral with some sides of sadness and happiness, occasionally.  I'm sorry if you haven't matured to this level yet and you don't understand it.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone.  I get that I get to talk here and you have to listen, which may be why I prefer talking here than trying to communicate with others.  It's not much fun being run over.  If you have an insight that I don't have, feel free to write a comment.  Save your fellow readers.  I'm not the only person in the world.

Update: I got my period!  Felt so much better.  Thanks for listening. Double lipid bilayer.

Weird Dreams

So weird dream.  I dreamt that we were having a party?  Some sort of gathering.  and my sister and brother were there and there was food I think and a kitschy door at the end of the building into a unique alleyway.  Anyway, I was there and we were all competing and eating food.  and there was a patio place.  And then after the party, there was someone with all their teeth rotting out, I think it was my brother, and my sister was there too and we were talking about how you had to be careful what you ate and how you treated the rich people who owned the place.  And then I noticed one of my teeth was falling out, rotten, to the right of the left lower canine.  And I realized that it was because I smoked a cigarette at the party last night even at the same time I realized I hadn't and I was just trying to explain it away and my brother was helping me figure out what to do about it but they couldn't say anything aloud for fear of offending people.

Then I was lying down, and F kind of rose up behind me like mist and he was cuddling me and protecting me. He had his hands crossed around me over my crotch, like he was locking his arms.  Not touching or anything, just protecting and I wanted to return the affection, but he was all like no, and he returned into the mist.

Then I was with these people who were trying to induct us into their group, and I kept trying to read this poem out of this book that they had, there was a jungle or forest, but it felt like it was a couple of rooms, since the trees were square above.  I kept reading it and it was full of nonsense and I kept trying to memorize it, but everytime I read the poem it kept slipping my mind.  It was like a law book for their people.  It was a jungle, and I think it was this huge hairy man and his wife (my sister?) that were trying to convert us.  with others in the area.  They all lived by code.  But they were very free.

Then we were all trying to travel like a band of wild gypsies and I think my dad showed up.  And we were making a train. We kept trying to gather the kids to get ready to go from the cave with these minecarts to the fields.  and we traveled into the fields, but it was a bunch of businesses, we overtook, room by room.

Then it was just my dad and B and my brother and M and E.  We were traveling by car and I kept looking at the bad, bad weather outside.  And my dad was really worried.  We finally stopped at a restaurant and there were these babies playing at this game/playplace and E (he was a baby, too) had pushed this little girl into the game hole.  We were at the table, and I kept trying to talk to my dad, but he couldn't pay attention to me.

Hey you guys! Otra Blogs

So.  You know I have this blog.  Most of my blogging attempts are haphazard and messy and a little juicy, drip, drip.  I'm sure you know from following this blog.  I wanted to inform ya'll  of my other blog attempts that this year, 2019, I'm gonna try to focus and execute.  How's about it.  Ya'll ready?

If ya'll are looking for more reading materials, or are interested in anything of the topics that come up, definintely check out these blogs

Here goes.

Death Cab for Craftie.  I have had this one for a while.  It's duh a craft blog.  I like the title, cause it lends a certain ambiance, and while I don't have a clue what any other songs besides "I'll follow you into the dark," they have, I like that song and kind of what they represent and how I really hate crafting?  I think it's a personal revelation kind of thing.  I talk about how I'm a craft whore.  Then how I'm more of a craftard than a craft whore, when I'm really more of a craft binger.  I get interested and do a bunch then get bored.  If I pick up this blog this year, I might do a lot more with it, but it's unlikely, because crafts are expensive and I'm saving for a car.  So for practicality's sake.  Unless someone wants to collaborate with me, it'll probably be passed up on.

Diabetes Dragonfly.  This is a mess of a blog, and I did it when I was in my diabetes curing phase.  It never really got anywhere cause I couldn't really commit and it's hard to find real content, even though there's a lot of primary information out there, there's not that much practical hard hitting evidence or research that's readily available on the internet.  It's a huge topic and I send bravos and kudos to people who had tackled that head on, but, really, I'm out of that phase and into my Mexico phase for the next year.  It's also a huge topic and I'm not even trying a blog.  I might work with a lot of Mexicans and learn to intermediate language skills, but a blog?  On Mexico?  It's kind hard with my selfish American mindset.  I sorta planned these phases 5 years ago so.  I still support them and I will do what I do for them that I can, but I'm not starting a movement.  I'm not even slightly revolutionary.

How I Got a Job.  This blog was really just a stepping stone for me, starting in 2015, and ending in 2018 when I got my current jobs, I might bring this blog back but it's unlikely.  Most of the blogs I've started are crap, which I something I'd like to remedy in 2019.  It's interesting enough but mostly.  I like to give the impression that I've given up looking for another job, but since I have two part time jobs, and am looking for a full-time government job, so I can pay off my student loan debt sooner and have a more reliable source of income, I probably am still looking at the job market.  Arlington is a hard city to find new jobs because there are so many great candidates, and in government jobs even more so.  A lot of government jobs are not entry level, more specifically, engineers and, generally,  bachelor degree holders.  Who knows?  I may have something to say about this.  After all, this may help me rebound into my forever job.   I'm also thinking about freelancing to help supplement my income, so that might be a topic of discussion and going back to school, which is related.  

Next to Extrovert.  I actually don't have any posts on this blog so if you follow the link it will lead you to a blank site This blog might see some activity.  I've been considering a while, trying to branch out and make friends.   I've always been a quiet person with few close personal friends, a best friend for every school attended.  4 best friends in high school and junior high.  Very diverse, black, middle eastern, white and Mexican. In college I really came out and had a group of friends and my first boyfriend.  Then I just had family friends.  And fading facebook friends that I sadly messaged after years of not seeing them.  And this past year, most of my messaging has stopped because I have been busy working.  I don't have any best friends, but I have work collegues, that I value their friendship. I don't know how they feel about me, however, I believe we have similar goals that we are working towards and that makes a lot of difference.  The other ten percent is politeness.  The difficulties to surmount with this blog is that I don't have a lot of time.  The majority of my time is spent working.  and thinking about working and resting from working or doing mundane daily tasks.  I guess this could be surmounted by growing my work relationships, and I do see myself doing this.  I sleep an average of 13 hours a night, which I'm working on cutting down.  I don't have a huge a lot of money to spend on transportation or a car, which I'm also working on.  But a little money would go a long way. Also my attitude towards others is horrible.  I don't know how to fix this.  I just mainly hate people when I'm doing stuff for myself.  I am comparing myself to myself, two years ago, when I was very, maybe extremely (maybe way too extremely), unselfish.  So I need to break down that wall, I've created for myself.  Either to be ok with my selfishness, or be less selfish.  Places to go to socialize are also lacking.  Most meetups from meetup.com are in Dallas, or Fort Worth or not interesting to me or I work at the time they are working.  I can go to church, but I've been increasingly agnostic over the years despite my continuing bible reading and morning church devotional.  I guess I could go to different churches, but I have a feeling I would also find trouble in them.  so where do you go to meet people?  Bars?  College?  Now that I'm thirty and bored of life and boring as life, what is even the point?  But my brothers and sisters!  I have a dream.  There's still friend meeting sites and library events.  All is not lost.  I'm not going to just mark time, but I want companionship to connect to others.  What is life void of friends?  Obviously this is hot topic for me with lots to write about.  Look forward to it!

Year of Celebration  So this idea I came up with making a calendar in Business Systems class in High school.  I was making a calendar and I found that there were a lot of different holidays out there, more than one for each day of the year and I thought it would be cool if I celebrated every day of the year.  Right now, it seems too bold to try and since Jesus is all about humility and flat bread, I don't think I'd dare.  But if you want to steal an idea and celebrate everyday of the year, feel free.  I just don't have the liberty, the time or the money.

I have another blog that's on my other email account, TrainTrend.  I think it's about the hot topics I come across and would love to learn and teach others about while I'm freelance job searching.  I always come across the most trending topics when I search for online writing jobs.  It's empty, waiting to be filled right now

Other blog topics that I feel interested in:  How to decrease death by accidents(I promised myself I wouldn't cure another disease), Russia(They are the most depressed nation that there is information about...some countries in Africa don't have any census information), Psychology(I have a lot of personal and family experience about this.)  If someone is interested in collaborating about a blog, I love writing about topics I'm exploring.  That's when the interest is keen and the writing is sweet.  I need to start writing about stuff I know though.  It's pretty important to share what you've learned in this life with others, so they don't start making the same mistakes we did.  Our mistakes are God, and there isn't really any comparison.

Writing Blues

Today, I just don't want to write.  Is that a thing?   You just wake up one day and all your spirit for writing is dead?  I think it is.  I'm gonna go do self-care and work on my spirit.  You know?  I think these things help when there's little to no work on writing boards and a search of such is quite discouraging.

Good to know that other people struggle, too, and then when you write about how bad you feel, you are writing again, I guess.  At least on some platform.  When fear assails you, you must withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from you.  That's a hacked quote from someone so don't attribute it to me.  I think it involved the world.

What is there, but work to do!?

I'd really appreciate your comments or encouragement.

Spurt or Practice Writers and Dead Poetry

Really?  I just wrote yesterday, says my spurt brain.  But practice wins.

I was writing on one of my blogs about whether you're a spurt writer or a practice writer. I've got aspects of both, and desire to be a practice writer coming from a spurt background.  I used to write in journals, mostly starting from age 8.  Mostly boring stuff, like how I was doing laundry and my dad and sister coming home from vacation.

I started writing poems with slightly sexual overtones in high school, after making up a poem on the spot about the weather after listening to my sister talk about making up poems for her literary magazine.

"Rain beating down on my heart,
Washing away all of my years,
What did I do to deserve sunny days,
When I could have all of these tears."

I was pretty competitive when it came to English, starting my whole reading career wanting to read stories like my sister.

High school, my poetry career blossomed under the brightly lit lamp of a strong AP English department and literary magazine.

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Then...I fell of a metaphorical cliff in college. Two years followed by 10 years of being wrung out like a rag.  During those 10 years I managed to take several classes at a different college.  Literary Criticisms, History of American Literature, Creative Writing, Topics in Rhetoric, and finally, Advanced Poetry Writing were the few.  Surprisingly, productive, but in reality, not so productive for my poetry, because after that one poetry class, four years ago, I stopped writing poetry. 

Not a single line.  My fight with words hit a crescendo and then shrunk to a point.

I kept journaling, because for me it was therapy, but to pull out the emotion required for me to write a poem better than the last one was impossible to achieve.  I would have to relearn all over again how to write.  Start a new poetic alphabet and I didn't and don't want to waste my time.

Poetry is dead.  No one but English teachers and professors read it and people who are going to die.  It's a harsh truth, but the future is song lyrics.  You aren't going to make money off your poetry, or have it catch on like wildfire and be famous, and in most scenarios you aren't going to even affect anyone with your poetry.  In all likelihood you'll end up like the biggest poet of all, the Bard, dead on a street corner.  Keep telling yourself that you will become an English professor. Please.

So I write.  I blog.  I try to ignore that unused instrument in the corner of my mind.  Sometimes I close my eyes and think about what it was like to strike the chord that pleased the Lord, but then I remember that I'm living a song lyric and that poetry is dead and so is that part of me.

So this is my spurt or practice writing.  I think they can be one and the same.  Practice the spurt.

Afterwork Musings and Counselors

So.  Here I am after work, needing to get to bed, but probably, not getting to bed until ten, not really much I want to do or say.

I finally figured out what was making those orange paint chips in my dish rinse water bucket.  It was the Whataburger cup orange paint flaking off.

My mom is taking it all for me.  I don't deserve her.  None of us deserve moms, really.

Seven Minutes in Heaven, by Above Average.  It really helps, because sometimes you feel like you're trapped in a closet with someone and you have to kiss them, but you don't really want to, but you do anyway, and then maybe sometime you never see them again.  It's nice.

My hair kind of had a life of it's own for a while.  Like there was a really beautiful person living in my hair.  Weird, huh?  I don't really know if she is still there or not or if she's gonna stick around.  It's not like anyone else is looking at my hair.  I keep it in a bun most of the time.

Tired though.  Wish I could talk more with mom, but we mostly have the car ride home and then crash in our respective places.  That's why I'm getting back into counseling.  I'm just really afraid.  Cause things at work were crazy, and I don't know if it's just things settling back to crazy or my commitment to getting help for the crazy.  When you're crazy, things have to get more crazy before they stop being as crazy.  So I think that's what psychology does.  I'm afraid of the regression.  But for progress, sometimes we have to regress.  I always think of it as the psi, chi.  When you're so close to omega, you have to go backwards, from psi to chi, and it's really, really hard to get past that chi seal. You might as well stay at the end of things.

Maybe it is my new therapist.  I have to reschedule my appointment though, because it's on a bad day for my mom.

When you come to the end of this alphabet do you go on to another alphabet?   Which one?

I prefer the term counseling as opposed to psychology because the term is less invasive and harsh.  I just want to get some plan or guidance.  I bet that's where the crazy came from, plus my lazy brain being lazy, plus a lot of dogs in the kennel and four of them going home like bananas.  

I just need someone in charge, who has good organizational skills.  The reason I stopped going to counseling, was because I felt like I was "wasting their time." (and mine.)  I didn't want to move any direction.  They were going to push me.  I didn't really feel like changing.  My dad was in the area, I was happish for once.

Now, things have been changing and I don't know how much I want to depend on my dad for things anymore.  Things were horrible before but I was learning with the horribleness, and I can pretend that things were good back then and trick myself into using what I've learned.

My mom has changed.  She used to be happy and full of light, but now she's being more closed off and senile  I'm not taking care of people like I used to do.  I can't because I work.

And here I am wasting time writing this when I could be in there reading a book with her.  Life's so dumb.  Why do I want to write for a living when  I just drip like nonsense onto a blog?

Mental Health and Exercise as a Distraction Tool

Do you ever come to the open page with nothing to say?  I do.  I am coming to the page today with nothing to say.

I wonder if people are doing that thing where they only use one space between sentences.  People don't even respect cesuras, rests, pauses anymore!

I am eating a salad.  One of those bagged salads, I didn't even check what kind it was.  It has sunflowers and this pale gluelike sauce which is sweetish in nature.  It's basically coleslaw without the mayo, if I'm being realistic, but it makes two meals for $1.60, it's healthy and vegetarian.  I've tried the kale salad mix but it got bad too fast, I think.  It's pretty hard to make a lasting mix without a lot of cabbage.

Drinking lime jello, or as people call it, Gatorade.  It is mostly delicious, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm drinking jello, as they taste exactly the same.

My voices are telling me that I'm too far gone.  There's nothing to save.  I don't really know what to think about that. Yes, I hear voices.  They are usually voices of people I know and they don't manifest themselves as audible voices, but more like energy fields that can be distilled into thoughts that I recognize as not my own because they are too negative or coming from a weird direction.  I usually can't hear or read them when I'm busy doing something because my mind is distracted with action.  The best reception is had when I'm lying in bed, astral plane surfing.  I guess the mental energy to do with tasking competes with the mental energy to hear thoughts.  This could revolutionize things for schizophrenics. Do and be saved.  IDK.

Mental Health professionals already tout exercise and hobbies as best buds of a mental patient which can transform lives, even though they have no examples of lives transformed by it and if they do, the patients stability in such a transformation can be called into question.

I personally suck at exercising.  One I have no time, as I work pretty much constantly.  Two, I suck at sports.  My coordination and speed and people skills are terrible.  I don't know what it means to work as a team.  I fluxuate in and out of consciousness, which is mostly a terrible thing for focus and concentration. And when your teammate is unconscious, you're not winning the ball game.  I don't even really try to be good at sports.  Or I try too hard and it's embarrassing.  I don't really know, but I really am bad.  But....Big "but" here.  I love riding bikes.  I haven't ridden any bikes since I was a kid, but I convinced my mom and dad to fix this old bike we had in the garage by doggedly trying to ride it around with a messed up chain.  Convincing my mom and dad about anything was a big deal, especially if it got what we wanted.  My sister had a bike, and I was determined to ride with her.  Ironically I it was red as the scooter I would get years later to get around town in Arlington.

That scooter got basically appropriated and I will always burn with a hatred at the place that took my bike and turned it into spare parts without fixing it or paying me any consolation.  The things you go through as an adult, when no one cares about you.  The scooter was awesome to get around and as I had many good scooter experiences, it's early demise at the hands of the repair shop, gets shoved under the rug. I'd love to talk more about this, but I'd get into sensitive moral issues that I'd rather not discuss because they are fragile.  I know you want to talk about this more. So leave your questions for me in the comments.

So, I want to get a bike.  I think that will motivate me to get exercise in a really healthy my sort of way.  I love walking around town, but it takes a lot of time that I do not have.  I could probably bike to work if I'm up for the challenge, at least to the animal clinic because it's in such a nice area.  I'm really scared though.  My mom got a around town bike and the handlebars never stay up.  Do I get one of the old timey bikes or the speedy ones with the straight handlebars? How much does a good bike cost? I have so many questions.  Plus I have to get my phone fixed, get a haircut, buy virus protection for my computer, probably get a Flexjobs account and buy Microsoft package for my computer before buying a $100-$300 bike.  I have a checklist, if you're wondering.  This stuff is expensive, $30-$100.  I can only get a one big treat each month, considering time constraints and money, but I'm trying to combine the small purchases into one month, if possible, like the haircut and the phone and the virus protection.  I'm so grateful for my jobs. If I didn't have them I wouldn't be able to afford the things I need.

So I've found my golden exercise, I just need the equipment, probably getting it next month.  I'll keep ya'll updated on the psychological experiment. I just hope it makes me calmer and less stressed.  It will suck time wise, but I think leaving thirty minutes early isn't bad and I don't have to stress my mom out by having to drive me there or pick me up.  Independence like that is gold to a mental patient which I still am, taking meds every day, babes.  Trying to get off the lithium, but I know it will be stressful, because getting off the other lithium tablet was and still is stressful.  My body is programmed to have a jolt of creative energy at the end of the day and I don't get it.  I will tell you, my sleeping habits have improved 100% after getting off that medication in the evening.

The voices aren't going away anytime soon, but maybe I can distract them a little!  And biking fits in perfectly with my eco friendly, vegetarian salad consuming lifestyle.  And if you will notice, I always put two spaces between my sentences, so respect the rest!    I came to the page with nothing to say but had a lot to say in between.  I think I won that blog post pageant!  I'd like to thank my readers and Blogger as a platform.  I'd also like to thank my parents for inspiring me to answer that question on what I wanted most in the world!  World peace!

Writing and Doctors.

Hey Bloggerverse!  I'm writing again, hopefully consistently.  I was going to try to create an upgraded version of this blog on WordPress, when I read a couple of the sample blogs and I realized that I suck too much to be on WordPress and that I need to be in a safe space when I write and that's on Blogger.

I want to write and about things I know and love, but I don't want to write because exposing yourself to the world is hard. Ever read that book about Asher Lev? Yeah, that's one classic you'll not want to miss because when you read it you'll be wrecked for creative pursuits for life.

And I don't want to write because lately, I've just been talking to myself, and this is what writing here feels like, talking to myself.  You can tell the difference because when you're talking to someone else, you get feedback from outside, but when you're talking to yourself, you can't really hear anything, like that rushing noise you hear when you press your hands over your ears.   I feel like I've introverted myself for and because of my jobs and I don't know that I want to turn inside out yet.  It's really hard to turn inside out, sometimes.  You have to trust someone and they have to know you.
You've got all this ugliness you didn't want anyone to see and all this gold you've hoarded.

Anyway, some of you might relate.  The swirlyness of the above paragraph is making me think too much.

Went to the doctor, today. John Peter Smith Hospital in Arlington, TX on Arkansas Lane.  I had a horrible pap smear.  First they weren't ready with the materials, and there were three people in the room, a student, the doctor and the nurse, and it was just uncomfortable.  I guess most women don't look forward to pap smears.  I just wish she had introduced the student to me, and had asked all the questions before putting me into the paper gown and having me be all uncomfortable.  It really prepares me to try and make the clients at the Animal Clinic I work at be more comfortable.  I want them to think good things when they visit and not be outweighed by the negatives.

Can't sleep, devil's juice, sleeping til 5 pm three days in a row.

Definitely having problems with my circadian rhythms.  A lot of trouble staying awake in the mornings.  People say you have to have a purpose to get up, and I have vague errands to run and other nonsense, but nothing that screams out "you are needed." 

Drinking the devil's juice.  (Coffee.) But only one cup, but it's after 8pm.  My vitamins and pills taste like they have been sprayed by my mom's perfume.  Makes for yucky swallowing. 

I feel like I want to get interested in others, but only if I have someone to be interested in them with...is this a common thing?  For example, I'd like to get interested in helping my mom, but only if my brother and sister were in on it with me.  Otherwise, forget it, she runs me over in conversation all the time. 

Bored.  I don't know if that's just the general energy in my room, or if it's my personal feelings.  Hard to tell, because I'm the only person who lives in this room. 

I'm afraid to talk about the future, because I think I read a verse that said, only fools tell about their future plans.  Or maybe that's just a saying.  I'm thinking about staying up the night.  I just know that I'll go to bed and not be able to go to sleep because I slept in til 5 pm the past three days. 

What are you guys up to?  Why am I the only person who likes to talk about my life?  Are you people just boring, hidden, secretive fuddie-duddies?  I know I know, you "actually do something with your life" so have to keep it a secret.  I don't understand why I'm the free one though.  I have nothing to talk about and hash and rehash the same topics.  What's keeping you people from telling your stories?  I'm trying to inspire you, here.  No? 

Perfect Weather Day

I had an appointment this morning.  I really need to get off the lithium, but I don't want to move too fast.  I was reading and the internet said that too much lithium, or lithium over a long period of time can cause thyroid and kidney disorders. 

I already take medication for my thyroid, and I don't want anything to happen to my kidneys.  Love them little babies!  I really want to get off of it, but it can change my mood.  I just got the dosage decreased January 2017, so even now to get off some of it may be too soon for a big change. 

I didn't have any problems 2017, except the doctor recommended Extended Release Lithium, so it lasts more or less all day.  My sleeping problems have cleared up since not taking as much lithium and I have been able to function and get to work. 

Not hungry so not eating any lunch today. 

Enjoyed that sin is a person.  And that person is Satan.  Reminded of the verse,

Ephesians 6:12

12 For our wrestling is not against ^1ablood and flesh but against ²the ^brulers, against the authorities, against the ^cworld-rulers of ³this ^ddarkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the ^4eheavenlies.

(Before A Wrinkle in Time!  So want to see that movie. I know it's a Technicolor Rainbow movie, but someone has to watch them.) 

Satan may be a person, but he isn't blood and flesh.  We don't have to attack each other.  You know? 

Not a great morning revival, but it has painted a black background. 

My doctor asked if I drink milk. I do, but not too regularly. Apparently they put a lot of vitamin D in milk.  I have a deficit of Vitamin D. 

Ok, about that perfect weather .... breaking news update! ... It looks cloudy and dark as hell.  Apparently, April has decided to move April Fools to the third of the month. 

It's warm!  Haha!  It's cold!  No...warm again!  Now it's raining!

Actually cleaned things today.  I found no less than 5 dead roaches.  I don't know what's killing them, but keep it up!  Cleaned the toilet, cleaned my room - getting things back to neutral.

Still having vivid fantasies about a world where there is no waste.  I mean a gamification of waste, why not?  Why can't adults play games?

I dream about going to a city council meeting and laying out all the points for waste reduction and the actually plausible methods of doing so, and all the research that proves this is for the benefit of the people, the environment.  but it's doesn't have any root, I don't think.

I haven't attempted my own low waste venture, by creating a compost and but I do have reusable pads, and I did install my own separate recycling bin for my room, so I wouldn't waste recycling by being lazy and throwing it in the trash. 

I could do more.  I could throw dust bin dust outside instead of in the trash.  I could use flushable tissue to blow my nose rather than waste paper tissue.  I could find that place that recycles bottle caps. 

Some stuff is just random though.  I have a plastic liner for one of my bags that came out and I don't know how people would get rid of that.  Maybe a burn pit?  Other countries burn trash...and we have a news article almost everyday saying that the gas released by garbage decomposing is supposed to be a source of energy if it were captured.  Articles like this used to give me hope, now they just infuriate me, because I know it's just in a research stage and hasn't been developed yet.   

Well, I guess it will always be pan on fire ... on my back burner.   I read way too many of those Ranger Rick magazines as a kid. 

Stuck in Transition

So.  I feel like it's not time to have a relationship. 

I think my whole family feels sorry for me, but I don't feel that way about myself.  But their image of me affects how other people feel about me, and I don't want other people to feel that way about me.  The other end of the spectrum is being bipolar and trying to take responsibility when I'm weak and trying to make people feel my happiness when I'm happy.  And never doing anything for myself because.

Maybe that's the only way to live. I don't know.  How can I go back?  One year of selfishness and I don't know how I can go back to being an emotion slave to people who don't care if I succeed.  People who would cheer if I did, but wouldn't be on my team.  You know?  People who are having babies and marriage pictures and don't understand the bitterness of a shipwrecked life. 

Like if I were to make a life team, a team for life, I don't have a single person that I can think of in the world that I would want on it.  A couple who come maybe close, but no one for solid.  I think it's because I would never come for solid for anyone.  Part of it's the bipolar, part of it's just ME.  I can't deviate from convention.  And unfortunately, convention states that I give up on people.   I mean the new convention.  The Bible, The Big Book, says love one another.  Not love others.  I never before understood this phrase.  You don't see it used very often.  To explain this you can put a "for" between one and another.  One for another.  This is seeing people spiritually.  Which is great if you can do it.  I can't.  At least not all the time.  I can but when I go into the depression hole, I go alone, and no one can follow. 

I had a breakthrough though, a week ago.  I had been putting my depression first, not God.  So I switched things around.  You can't serve God and psychology. 

I used to be the biggest cheerleader at church camp and I've tried to expand that into helping people.   People at work, people at church, people I pass in Hobby Lobby.  In college, I was really involved with people.  Now I can't find the connection.  Maybe I'm in transition and I should be patient with myself.  Everyone who is stressed should pause and have some self-compassion on themselves.  They are trying to do the impossible.  They should pause and let the impossible come to them. 


Sometimes I have to write it out because I'm all edges and can't hear myself think.  I hope this helps "one another" and not just me.  I have a lot of stuff to go through and I want to share my thoughts, because I know a lot of you read this to find out more about me. 

I feel like I'm in that subway train station in the movie The Matrix.  I'm in transition, but it threatens to take up the whole rest of the movie.  I don't want that to be my life.  Stuck in Transition. 

I'm not ready for a relationship.  But I don't want to be Stuck in Transition. 

Heya! It's a coffee and Fleetwood Mac kind of morning!

Hey everyone.  Michelle Roach had a post saying it's a coffee and Fleetwood Mac kind of morning.  So I took a piece of her recommendation and am currently listening to Fleetwood Mac. Brings me back to home. 

I'm crying right now, but I'm not sure why.  Not outwardly crying.  Kind of just this hurt feeling inside.  Not really sure where it came from or what to do with it.  Go to college, maybe?  :) 

Then I would have to decide what to do with the rest of my life and I'm still haven't dropped the mic with that one. 

Feeling kind of hungry because it's almost dinner time.

Practicing Spanish on Duolingo.  The site has all sorts of Languages, such as Russian and Spanish.  it's pretty elementary, so if your looking to learn a language in a simple kind of way, you should try it.  I think it's a bit harder with languages that don't use the English Alphabet, but it's still worth a try if you are just beginning.  Say I sent you.  I'm on level 15 with Spanish.   Level 6 with German, Italian and French. 

I have not exercised today.  I've been doing 30 second planking, 5 situps and 5 pushups whenever the mood strikes me.  They don't get me sweaty so there's no need for a shower.  And I can do them anywhere where there's room and furniture to hold my legs down for situps.  It's not like sustained aerobic exercise, but at least I'm getting stronger.  I think that's my goal for exercise.  Not to be less fat, but to be stronger.

Laziness

This is something I've been making up in my head for a while.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When you are lazy everything is wrong.  Everyone hates you.  People don't help you become less lazy.  It's not looked at as a disease.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I read a book about a procrastinating duck when I was a kid.  It scarred me for life.  I'm serious, I took that book as gospel truth.  Everyone hates someone who procrastinates, someone who is lazy.  And I hate myself when I am lazy.  I don't know which comes first, the self-hate or the laziness.  Maybe they are symptoms of the same disease.  Maybe the air is just stale.  Maybe I've lived too long in the same place.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I keep looking at it like a detective.  Why am I so lazy and a procrastinator?  And then I think this is the reason: there are some things I could do that would be positive during the day, like sell AVON or exercise and I could have gone to a church meeting tonight, but when I thought of it, it was too late, but I am so infatuated with the idea of getting up early in the morning, like it's some miracle cure and that I am a bad person for not waking up in the morning and I don't deserve to do anything, that I don't do anything.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I think that I am a bad person.  I don't deserve to do anything.  Every single day, I have to convince myself for hours that I'm a good person and worthy of having enough energy and motivation to do anything.  Isn't that sad?  I just watch comedy videos all day, after lying in bed and thinking an hour after I wake up.  And I blame me, because no-one else witnesses my laziness except for me.  I'm basically soul masturbating.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I keep trying to feel bad about something, because other people feel bad about stuff, but I just don't.  It's like I have no emotions.  And then I'm ashamed at how boring my life is at my counseling appointments.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I keep getting discouraged when I think about contacting other people, because I feel like I'm terrible at it.  And I feel like I gave away my ability to connect with others to someone else.  I feel like there's no point in connecting with others, because there will always be a man behind me telling me what to do and how to feel.  Sometimes, I feel like I would make a good lesbian.  But I also know how boring that would probably be, and it would drive away my family and I wouldn't have the kids I want.  Just because I hate men, doesn't mean I shouldn't marry one, right?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I feel like this whole weird speculation is drawing attention away from the more boring, but bigger main problem, that I am lazy and a procrastinator.  Cause you're not going to even notice your foundation if there are no problems with it, but if there are problems, your whole house is going to be affected.  So if my laziness is keeping me from achieving my dreams and making something of my life, every day of my life is going to be like this.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Like I said, I feel like everyday, for hours, I have to convince myself that I'm a good person who deserves anything. Motivation, love, food. I feel a strong pull to put myself onto a dating site.  I could be with someone for a few months.  It wouldn't last because I'm lazy.  I never want to do any work in the relationship, even if it's for a positive result for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Lazy could sum up my life.  If this has horrified you, because you are my relative and you are ashamed to be related to me, please comment, it might motivate me a little.  Thinking that I am the only person to care what I think is one of my problems.  If I was working for someone else that might mean something.  If you care, comment, too.  Don't think that I'm going to take them badly.  This post is a cry for help.  I feel like I am undone.  Don't be afraid you will break me with whatever horrible thing you might say, I have been through a lot.  You can also private message me, if that feels better if you have Facebook at Megan Coker.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I want to stop being lazy.  I want to deserve and earn love, energy, and motivation.  How can you wisely invest, however, if you have no money?  I feel like for 14 years, I had a lot of attention, energy and love, even though about 11 of those were pretty bad.  But now I fear I don't have anything, or I have to convince other people to invest in me.  For hours.  I have barely enough energy to convince people or myself to invest in me, but when I get it I don't have the right hardware.  It's like I'm working with ancient hardware that doesn't have a electric plug to get any energy.  I need like a mule. to move around an ancient mill.  So I'm basically wasting my time trying to get anyone to invest in me because I don't have the right hardware.    And it's frustrating because I need their investment.                                                                                                                                                                            .I think I need to move to...Deleted for privacy...and go to ...also deleted... because that's where my mule is.  But how to make it day by day in Arlington, TX until I have enough money to make the investment?   I'm going to keep trying to wake up early.  I have made gains in this area.  I have started to wake up early, just haven't been able to stay awake.  Today I woke up and took my meds and started my breakfast before going back to bed.  I even set the alarm clock later in the morning so I could get up again. I don't know what happened with that.          This is me convincing myself that I deserve love, after flaking out on AVON, and exercise, and doing the responsible thing, looking for a job, and instead watching four hours of comedy from my bed and the couch.  Join me in my fight not to be a lazy, procrastinating slob!...and comment below.                                                                                                                                               

Hunky Dory.

I'm sitting here, enjoying a mid afternoon snack of chocolate and nuts, just went through my email, messily and selfishly, called to get my prescriptions, checked out what I needed to check and prepare with my job search notebook and made some plans for tomorrow.  The sun is shining outside, met the mailman at the mailbox, had some intriguing dreams and woke and got up in the AM.

Everything is wonderful.  But I suddenly realize that I have nothing to do.  There are those work-a-holics who say they never had nothing to do, please take some of my workload.  And there are some of those people who rest all the time in the spaces of having nothing to do.  That used to be me.  If I didn't have anything to do, I didn't realize it, I simply had no extra energy to do anything else.  I would lie on my bed or on the couch in the living room, staring at nothing and thinking for hours.  What has changed?  I don't believe in resting anymore?  Partially.  I have this extra energy and it's good for another 4-5 hours and I can make up things to do...

For example, writing.   Blogging, as, I'm doing here.  Emailing and texting people.  Social media.  Getting those old clothes matched to a repurpose project.

However, I want to do something for someone else.  Something that would make someone else happy.   I already cleaned the house somewhat, at least the floors, (and that's for my mom and I) but I'm at a loss for to what to apply this energy.  It seems strange to have extra energy.  Maybe it's dim, failing energy that would be better applied to a think and a rest, I don't know but is being falsely being sold to me as good energy.  Weird chickens.

I hope ya'll are doing well, Leave me questions in the comments, and I'll definitely answer them.

Don't let your mistakes keep you from achieving your dreams

Sunday, January 14, 2018

6:44 PM

What kind of mistakes keep me from achieving my dreams? 

Time disasters.  Energy disasters.  People disasters. 

All mistakes fit into these three categories. 

Anything can be a time waster.  Most things are time wasters.  It's not a mistake to take care of yourself and rest.  Some people, I'm not naming names, would say that any time not spent on your goals is time wasted.  You have to portion out your day.  You need 8 hours of sleep, give or take a few, at least 30 minutes to an hour of prep time before you start your day and the same amount of time at night before bed, to get sleepy.   An hour of exercise, 30 minutes to shower, an hour to eat, breakfast lunch and dinner.  That takes about 15 hours right there, just spent on equilibrium tasks.  24-15 = 9.  You've got to have work, and that takes about 8 hours a day, minus weekends, where you would probably be doing housework anyway and that leaves you with about an hour.  One hour to fulfill your dreams, unless you are doing it at work.  One hour.  Impossible, right? 

Now all this is theoretical.  I'm pretty much basic about getting things done.  I can get ready in thirty minutes, I've found out.  I don’t exercise.  I sleep late on my days off.  I can eat and do dishes in 15 minutes, practically and watch an episode of Parks and Recreation while I'm doing it.  So generally I have        3 to 4 hours of free time, that I have mostly planned to achieve my dreams. 

So you have managed this free time.  Pretty sweet, huh?  What mistakes can keep me from achieving my dreams?  Being stuck.  Being stuck is a mistake.  Yeah, you heard me.  If you are "always" or if You notice that "always"…something or "never" something the problem is not someone else, it's you.   Because you are the one noting the behavior and seeing it repeated.   Get unstuck.  That's right.  I don't know how you do it, but if you are stuck, get unstuck.  Grease that gasket!  Your dreams and your life depend on it.  Let me put it this way.  Your growth depends on it.  So no one wants you to grow.  Withdraw a little and let others grow on you.  Take a chance on change.  I'm not talking about huge changes, but growth.  You can't even see the change, but something looks a little different. 

What other mistakes can keep you from your dreams?  Distractions from which you can't recover.  Get drunk, have a baby!  I'm not saying this will kill all your dreams, but it certainly will throw a wrench in the works.   Distractions from which you can't recover.  I'm going to give you some examples, which are bad examples, because I have and can recover from them, but writing is an art, not a science, so bear with me.  I sometimes do random things because they feel good at the moment, and don’t think about the consequences.  One time, I decided to do Avon.  Now I have 40 or more books of all ages, sitting in my room, rotting away, while I have one sale, and am awaiting the Avon Fairie to come down and bless me with miracle selling ability and millions of contacts.  I once signed up for an online insurance class.  I think I have a couple days left to study and I read most of the chapters of the book, but no motivation.  And I'm out 160 dollars.  These are pretty average risks, but they have the potential to be distractions from which I can't recover.  I still have to talk to my Avon mentor.  I have so much guilt that I may avoid her for the rest of my life, and I paid money for those brochures, too.  These are little side dreams, little mistakes, that could take you from your main dreams, your main goal.  And if you invest too much into them, they could derail your life forever! 

I want to disclaimer this.  There are some people who go on to give their lives into selling Avon, or insurance, or whatnot, and this isn't automatically bad or evil.  I think I'm really just getting to know what distractions are going to keep you from recovering in life and if you know more about this than I do, please, write more on the subject, but this is all I have for you today.  

These are my examples of time disasters: Getting Stuck and Distractions. 

Energy disasters.

You remember those 15 hours of borderline stuff that you have to do to stay normal?  Serious problems come out when you don't do that stuff.  You don't get enough sleep?  Stress.  You don't shower?  Stress.  You don't exercise?  Stress.  You end up being late to morning stuff, accidentally late for sleep, you don't get enough sleep?  Stress.  You could end up chronically late for everything in your life.   Also, did I mention sleep deprived?   Or stress?  Now, it's ok.  Stress is normal.  However.  A lot of stress, and you could crack.  I know.  I'm one of the crackers.  I'm not talking about how white I am.  I cracked under stress.  More about that later. 

Unhappy breaks to your routine is another energy disaster.  I have a pretty good routine mapped out at least for the mornings and the evenings.  I like to have some time with God, and breakfast and I'm trying to start exercising.  I take a shower in the evenings and read, journal and knit.  It's pretty sweet.  My brother's dog came to visit us for a weekend, and that was a happy break to my routine, because, of course, I was showering her with attention and affection and catering to her every whim.  But a brittle routine paired up with an unhappy break can be the worst.  We can't let the terrorists win.  Routines are there to make you feel happy and secure, and if there is dramatic change in your life, or a schedule you  despise with your eyes that doesn't fit you and draw you to your needs, you will have an unhappy break, that will set you back for years.  It's another cracker situation. 

People disasters.  I don’t even know where to start with this one, actually I should have started with this one, because there is no time/energy management, only people management.  Am I right… people?  You would know.  I like to think of individuals as little business organizations who are all managing people under and above them.  In my experience, I have avoided people and tend to be an introvert, for many and varied reasons, and I know that it is me.  But I do love people and want to be there for my friends and family.  I like to keep my options open when it comes to people and the mistakes you make are varied and impossible to describe.  I don't even know what I could say about people that could make sense of anything that might start to describe mistakes we make with people that can keep us from reaching our dreams.  A couple good rules of thumb.  Keep your word.  Be as honest as much as possible, lie when you need a breath of fresh air, take care of the little ones, respect the older ones, and don’t lose faith with your peers.  That doesn't even begin to touch the volumes of work which could be written about people disasters, but it's a start.  Don't ever stop learning. 

So achieve your dreams.  Don't be thrown off by time, energy, or people disasters.  I hope this helps in someway, forgive me where I fall short.  

The Shining

I felt like poo today.  I was in bed and I turn into a bed monster when I'm at home, when I don't have any place to go and I won't get up.  I kept hearing my dad's voice talking to me, (figuratively), "Get up!  Get up!"  and I kept rolling over and saying "No."

So I woke up at 5ish.  There was this meeting to get to and I could have helped prepare for it, and my friends have been texting me, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

My little kid, just looked at me and said, "Those are fighting words!"  

So what did I do. I had all this self-hate in a pool that I was wallowing in.  First off, I started watching College Humor, which popped up on my screen.  I wasn't too bright right after I wake up but I wanted to shake off the willies.  Not much happened, but I knew I had to get to Parks and Recreation.  

I didn't watch the beginning of the show when it came out, just the last couple of seasons, so I'm getting all this crazy background that I didn't get on round 1.  I do keep comparing my watching style to my previous watching style.  I remember being so excited about people and yet snarky with an attitude.  I guess I shouldn't compare and should just be in the moment with what I'm watching now.  

So looking up self-hate online didn't help very much.  I'm thinking there should be more research into hate, since it is  the driving factor behind all the bad things humans do.  However, you get a few dumb "Sorry you hate yourself, have better self-esteem" sites when you look up, "I hate myself" on Google. 

I meant for today to be awesome.  I was going to AVON out.  Yep, I sold into a company that bugs people and sells things.  Just thank your lucky stars that it's not Thrive.  (JK, Love you Thrivers.)  This company sells really great stuff.  And I was going to bug the crap out of people.  

My mom came home with some groceries, I made coffee, Ate some cinnamon rolls and onion rings, go figure.  Turned the air conditioning on, because Texas evidently has a season problem.  

I'm starving for people interactions, I know it, but today was not my day.  I hate having one day crappy and one day great.  I want all my days to be great.  But people and energy, you know.  All my days used to be terrible, so I guess I'm actually improving.  I forget sometimes.  Those days were so unmemorable.  

So I Park and Rec.  It's really a great show for cheer up feelies.  

But now I'm writing this blog.  And figuring out what to do with the rest of the day. I drink my zyprexa and melatonin with my coffee, ironically.  

I've been a strong advocate for the mornings being "right" and the night being "time for sleep."  However, I am awake now and slept all morning and afternoon.  Perhaps, I'll AVON out with the night crew.  Sometimes I sleep all day and then sleep all night.  The biggest thing is that I need to forgive myself for sleeping all day.  Not because it's a forgivable offense, but because I was hating myself for it and poor self-esteem sucks, and you never get anything done.  

I have a hat that I stopped knitting on the other day because I had made a mistake and I was extremely frustrated by it.  Nope, don't want to knit.  Not if I'm one of the cool kids.  

These moths keep showing up. I know they are eating holes in my clothes.  Need some Cedar blocks.  

My self hate is turning into anger and tenseness in my body and in my head, I'm panicking from within.  "It's night!"  I'm screaming at myself.  "You can't do anything!  Everything you do is pointless!"  And I'm getting hurt.  

I want to force my biological clock into place and punish myself for "being bad," by lying down and not getting up until morning.  

There's knitting and reading and coloring (I just bought a huge coloring book at Barnes and Noble's).  I could AVON out.  There's planning tomorrow.  There's practicing the guitar.  All these things and the only thing I really want to do is be with people.  And I can't.  All there is is this computer screen and the threads of whispers in the back of my head that I get from here.  Monsterlife, people, peace out.  

I love animals.

I had a dream that I was at my house in Cedar Park and I let in 6 different cats from the rain.  I was thinking how I was going to care for them and tell my mom.  I was so happy.  So happy

Word of the Day and Worst of the Day

Merrium Webster's Word of the Day

Palliate

1 :	to reduce the violence of (a disease); also : to ease (symptoms) without curing the underlying disease

Icy Hot palliates sore shoulders.

It also means to make a bunch of excuses.

I get a word of the day and found the perfect way to use it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've wasted all day.  I slept ALL day.  I got up early and had morning revival with a sister and then didn't have any motivation to do anything.  I had a huge list. I kind of  had an inkling to clean the yard, but had so much fear that I didn't know what to do with myself.

Fear.  I haven't found what positive benefits fear provides yet.  I'm still looking.  Maybe fear helps us forget things, wiping our memories clean. 

I've been spoiled by courage, lately.  My fear resides like a floatie around me, buoying me up, but seriously demotivating.  I'm so bored with my surroundings I can't see to change them.  So today dealing with demotivation, boredom, and unreasonable fear.  No courage to change my surroundings or myself.   So instead of taking on any challenges, I turned tail and went back to bed.

I think this really has to do with disappointing someone close to me and because of that, they wouldn't or couldn't support me.  Did get the bloodwork done, though, so that's encouraging.

Really, today though, I enjoyed God's rest.  He is resting in me and I felt the past couple of days that my spirit was separating from my soul.   I felt unemotional and detached.  I missed the feeling that I could depend on myself to connect with others.  I felt unstable and not attached to any foundation.  So resting connected myself back to my spirit.  We think that we don't need that "Day of Rest," but today is the day we need it more than ever. 

My goal tomorrow is to find my courage.  I can't seem to find it most days, but I know it's there, just waiting for me.  I have to unlock it. 

To keep my word.  Because out of keeping your word comes all sorts of blessings.