Afterwork Musings and Counselors

So.  Here I am after work, needing to get to bed, but probably, not getting to bed until ten, not really much I want to do or say.

I finally figured out what was making those orange paint chips in my dish rinse water bucket.  It was the Whataburger cup orange paint flaking off.

My mom is taking it all for me.  I don't deserve her.  None of us deserve moms, really.

Seven Minutes in Heaven, by Above Average.  It really helps, because sometimes you feel like you're trapped in a closet with someone and you have to kiss them, but you don't really want to, but you do anyway, and then maybe sometime you never see them again.  It's nice.

My hair kind of had a life of it's own for a while.  Like there was a really beautiful person living in my hair.  Weird, huh?  I don't really know if she is still there or not or if she's gonna stick around.  It's not like anyone else is looking at my hair.  I keep it in a bun most of the time.

Tired though.  Wish I could talk more with mom, but we mostly have the car ride home and then crash in our respective places.  That's why I'm getting back into counseling.  I'm just really afraid.  Cause things at work were crazy, and I don't know if it's just things settling back to crazy or my commitment to getting help for the crazy.  When you're crazy, things have to get more crazy before they stop being as crazy.  So I think that's what psychology does.  I'm afraid of the regression.  But for progress, sometimes we have to regress.  I always think of it as the psi, chi.  When you're so close to omega, you have to go backwards, from psi to chi, and it's really, really hard to get past that chi seal. You might as well stay at the end of things.

Maybe it is my new therapist.  I have to reschedule my appointment though, because it's on a bad day for my mom.

When you come to the end of this alphabet do you go on to another alphabet?   Which one?

I prefer the term counseling as opposed to psychology because the term is less invasive and harsh.  I just want to get some plan or guidance.  I bet that's where the crazy came from, plus my lazy brain being lazy, plus a lot of dogs in the kennel and four of them going home like bananas.  

I just need someone in charge, who has good organizational skills.  The reason I stopped going to counseling, was because I felt like I was "wasting their time." (and mine.)  I didn't want to move any direction.  They were going to push me.  I didn't really feel like changing.  My dad was in the area, I was happish for once.

Now, things have been changing and I don't know how much I want to depend on my dad for things anymore.  Things were horrible before but I was learning with the horribleness, and I can pretend that things were good back then and trick myself into using what I've learned.

My mom has changed.  She used to be happy and full of light, but now she's being more closed off and senile  I'm not taking care of people like I used to do.  I can't because I work.

And here I am wasting time writing this when I could be in there reading a book with her.  Life's so dumb.  Why do I want to write for a living when  I just drip like nonsense onto a blog?