Stuck in Transition

So.  I feel like it's not time to have a relationship. 

I think my whole family feels sorry for me, but I don't feel that way about myself.  But their image of me affects how other people feel about me, and I don't want other people to feel that way about me.  The other end of the spectrum is being bipolar and trying to take responsibility when I'm weak and trying to make people feel my happiness when I'm happy.  And never doing anything for myself because.

Maybe that's the only way to live. I don't know.  How can I go back?  One year of selfishness and I don't know how I can go back to being an emotion slave to people who don't care if I succeed.  People who would cheer if I did, but wouldn't be on my team.  You know?  People who are having babies and marriage pictures and don't understand the bitterness of a shipwrecked life. 

Like if I were to make a life team, a team for life, I don't have a single person that I can think of in the world that I would want on it.  A couple who come maybe close, but no one for solid.  I think it's because I would never come for solid for anyone.  Part of it's the bipolar, part of it's just ME.  I can't deviate from convention.  And unfortunately, convention states that I give up on people.   I mean the new convention.  The Bible, The Big Book, says love one another.  Not love others.  I never before understood this phrase.  You don't see it used very often.  To explain this you can put a "for" between one and another.  One for another.  This is seeing people spiritually.  Which is great if you can do it.  I can't.  At least not all the time.  I can but when I go into the depression hole, I go alone, and no one can follow. 

I had a breakthrough though, a week ago.  I had been putting my depression first, not God.  So I switched things around.  You can't serve God and psychology. 

I used to be the biggest cheerleader at church camp and I've tried to expand that into helping people.   People at work, people at church, people I pass in Hobby Lobby.  In college, I was really involved with people.  Now I can't find the connection.  Maybe I'm in transition and I should be patient with myself.  Everyone who is stressed should pause and have some self-compassion on themselves.  They are trying to do the impossible.  They should pause and let the impossible come to them. 


Sometimes I have to write it out because I'm all edges and can't hear myself think.  I hope this helps "one another" and not just me.  I have a lot of stuff to go through and I want to share my thoughts, because I know a lot of you read this to find out more about me. 

I feel like I'm in that subway train station in the movie The Matrix.  I'm in transition, but it threatens to take up the whole rest of the movie.  I don't want that to be my life.  Stuck in Transition. 

I'm not ready for a relationship.  But I don't want to be Stuck in Transition.