Laziness

This is something I've been making up in my head for a while.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When you are lazy everything is wrong.  Everyone hates you.  People don't help you become less lazy.  It's not looked at as a disease.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I read a book about a procrastinating duck when I was a kid.  It scarred me for life.  I'm serious, I took that book as gospel truth.  Everyone hates someone who procrastinates, someone who is lazy.  And I hate myself when I am lazy.  I don't know which comes first, the self-hate or the laziness.  Maybe they are symptoms of the same disease.  Maybe the air is just stale.  Maybe I've lived too long in the same place.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I keep looking at it like a detective.  Why am I so lazy and a procrastinator?  And then I think this is the reason: there are some things I could do that would be positive during the day, like sell AVON or exercise and I could have gone to a church meeting tonight, but when I thought of it, it was too late, but I am so infatuated with the idea of getting up early in the morning, like it's some miracle cure and that I am a bad person for not waking up in the morning and I don't deserve to do anything, that I don't do anything.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I think that I am a bad person.  I don't deserve to do anything.  Every single day, I have to convince myself for hours that I'm a good person and worthy of having enough energy and motivation to do anything.  Isn't that sad?  I just watch comedy videos all day, after lying in bed and thinking an hour after I wake up.  And I blame me, because no-one else witnesses my laziness except for me.  I'm basically soul masturbating.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I keep trying to feel bad about something, because other people feel bad about stuff, but I just don't.  It's like I have no emotions.  And then I'm ashamed at how boring my life is at my counseling appointments.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I keep getting discouraged when I think about contacting other people, because I feel like I'm terrible at it.  And I feel like I gave away my ability to connect with others to someone else.  I feel like there's no point in connecting with others, because there will always be a man behind me telling me what to do and how to feel.  Sometimes, I feel like I would make a good lesbian.  But I also know how boring that would probably be, and it would drive away my family and I wouldn't have the kids I want.  Just because I hate men, doesn't mean I shouldn't marry one, right?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I feel like this whole weird speculation is drawing attention away from the more boring, but bigger main problem, that I am lazy and a procrastinator.  Cause you're not going to even notice your foundation if there are no problems with it, but if there are problems, your whole house is going to be affected.  So if my laziness is keeping me from achieving my dreams and making something of my life, every day of my life is going to be like this.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Like I said, I feel like everyday, for hours, I have to convince myself that I'm a good person who deserves anything. Motivation, love, food. I feel a strong pull to put myself onto a dating site.  I could be with someone for a few months.  It wouldn't last because I'm lazy.  I never want to do any work in the relationship, even if it's for a positive result for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Lazy could sum up my life.  If this has horrified you, because you are my relative and you are ashamed to be related to me, please comment, it might motivate me a little.  Thinking that I am the only person to care what I think is one of my problems.  If I was working for someone else that might mean something.  If you care, comment, too.  Don't think that I'm going to take them badly.  This post is a cry for help.  I feel like I am undone.  Don't be afraid you will break me with whatever horrible thing you might say, I have been through a lot.  You can also private message me, if that feels better if you have Facebook at Megan Coker.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I want to stop being lazy.  I want to deserve and earn love, energy, and motivation.  How can you wisely invest, however, if you have no money?  I feel like for 14 years, I had a lot of attention, energy and love, even though about 11 of those were pretty bad.  But now I fear I don't have anything, or I have to convince other people to invest in me.  For hours.  I have barely enough energy to convince people or myself to invest in me, but when I get it I don't have the right hardware.  It's like I'm working with ancient hardware that doesn't have a electric plug to get any energy.  I need like a mule. to move around an ancient mill.  So I'm basically wasting my time trying to get anyone to invest in me because I don't have the right hardware.    And it's frustrating because I need their investment.                                                                                                                                                                            .I think I need to move to...Deleted for privacy...and go to ...also deleted... because that's where my mule is.  But how to make it day by day in Arlington, TX until I have enough money to make the investment?   I'm going to keep trying to wake up early.  I have made gains in this area.  I have started to wake up early, just haven't been able to stay awake.  Today I woke up and took my meds and started my breakfast before going back to bed.  I even set the alarm clock later in the morning so I could get up again. I don't know what happened with that.          This is me convincing myself that I deserve love, after flaking out on AVON, and exercise, and doing the responsible thing, looking for a job, and instead watching four hours of comedy from my bed and the couch.  Join me in my fight not to be a lazy, procrastinating slob!...and comment below.