Can't sleep, devil's juice, sleeping til 5 pm three days in a row.

Definitely having problems with my circadian rhythms.  A lot of trouble staying awake in the mornings.  People say you have to have a purpose to get up, and I have vague errands to run and other nonsense, but nothing that screams out "you are needed." 

Drinking the devil's juice.  (Coffee.) But only one cup, but it's after 8pm.  My vitamins and pills taste like they have been sprayed by my mom's perfume.  Makes for yucky swallowing. 

I feel like I want to get interested in others, but only if I have someone to be interested in them with...is this a common thing?  For example, I'd like to get interested in helping my mom, but only if my brother and sister were in on it with me.  Otherwise, forget it, she runs me over in conversation all the time. 

Bored.  I don't know if that's just the general energy in my room, or if it's my personal feelings.  Hard to tell, because I'm the only person who lives in this room. 

I'm afraid to talk about the future, because I think I read a verse that said, only fools tell about their future plans.  Or maybe that's just a saying.  I'm thinking about staying up the night.  I just know that I'll go to bed and not be able to go to sleep because I slept in til 5 pm the past three days. 

What are you guys up to?  Why am I the only person who likes to talk about my life?  Are you people just boring, hidden, secretive fuddie-duddies?  I know I know, you "actually do something with your life" so have to keep it a secret.  I don't understand why I'm the free one though.  I have nothing to talk about and hash and rehash the same topics.  What's keeping you people from telling your stories?  I'm trying to inspire you, here.  No? 

Perfect Weather Day

I had an appointment this morning.  I really need to get off the lithium, but I don't want to move too fast.  I was reading and the internet said that too much lithium, or lithium over a long period of time can cause thyroid and kidney disorders. 

I already take medication for my thyroid, and I don't want anything to happen to my kidneys.  Love them little babies!  I really want to get off of it, but it can change my mood.  I just got the dosage decreased January 2017, so even now to get off some of it may be too soon for a big change. 

I didn't have any problems 2017, except the doctor recommended Extended Release Lithium, so it lasts more or less all day.  My sleeping problems have cleared up since not taking as much lithium and I have been able to function and get to work. 

Not hungry so not eating any lunch today. 

Enjoyed that sin is a person.  And that person is Satan.  Reminded of the verse,

Ephesians 6:12

12 For our wrestling is not against ^1ablood and flesh but against ²the ^brulers, against the authorities, against the ^cworld-rulers of ³this ^ddarkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the ^4eheavenlies.

(Before A Wrinkle in Time!  So want to see that movie. I know it's a Technicolor Rainbow movie, but someone has to watch them.) 

Satan may be a person, but he isn't blood and flesh.  We don't have to attack each other.  You know? 

Not a great morning revival, but it has painted a black background. 

My doctor asked if I drink milk. I do, but not too regularly. Apparently they put a lot of vitamin D in milk.  I have a deficit of Vitamin D. 

Ok, about that perfect weather .... breaking news update! ... It looks cloudy and dark as hell.  Apparently, April has decided to move April Fools to the third of the month. 

It's warm!  Haha!  It's cold!  No...warm again!  Now it's raining!

Actually cleaned things today.  I found no less than 5 dead roaches.  I don't know what's killing them, but keep it up!  Cleaned the toilet, cleaned my room - getting things back to neutral.

Still having vivid fantasies about a world where there is no waste.  I mean a gamification of waste, why not?  Why can't adults play games?

I dream about going to a city council meeting and laying out all the points for waste reduction and the actually plausible methods of doing so, and all the research that proves this is for the benefit of the people, the environment.  but it's doesn't have any root, I don't think.

I haven't attempted my own low waste venture, by creating a compost and but I do have reusable pads, and I did install my own separate recycling bin for my room, so I wouldn't waste recycling by being lazy and throwing it in the trash. 

I could do more.  I could throw dust bin dust outside instead of in the trash.  I could use flushable tissue to blow my nose rather than waste paper tissue.  I could find that place that recycles bottle caps. 

Some stuff is just random though.  I have a plastic liner for one of my bags that came out and I don't know how people would get rid of that.  Maybe a burn pit?  Other countries burn trash...and we have a news article almost everyday saying that the gas released by garbage decomposing is supposed to be a source of energy if it were captured.  Articles like this used to give me hope, now they just infuriate me, because I know it's just in a research stage and hasn't been developed yet.   

Well, I guess it will always be pan on fire ... on my back burner.   I read way too many of those Ranger Rick magazines as a kid. 

Stuck in Transition

So.  I feel like it's not time to have a relationship. 

I think my whole family feels sorry for me, but I don't feel that way about myself.  But their image of me affects how other people feel about me, and I don't want other people to feel that way about me.  The other end of the spectrum is being bipolar and trying to take responsibility when I'm weak and trying to make people feel my happiness when I'm happy.  And never doing anything for myself because.

Maybe that's the only way to live. I don't know.  How can I go back?  One year of selfishness and I don't know how I can go back to being an emotion slave to people who don't care if I succeed.  People who would cheer if I did, but wouldn't be on my team.  You know?  People who are having babies and marriage pictures and don't understand the bitterness of a shipwrecked life. 

Like if I were to make a life team, a team for life, I don't have a single person that I can think of in the world that I would want on it.  A couple who come maybe close, but no one for solid.  I think it's because I would never come for solid for anyone.  Part of it's the bipolar, part of it's just ME.  I can't deviate from convention.  And unfortunately, convention states that I give up on people.   I mean the new convention.  The Bible, The Big Book, says love one another.  Not love others.  I never before understood this phrase.  You don't see it used very often.  To explain this you can put a "for" between one and another.  One for another.  This is seeing people spiritually.  Which is great if you can do it.  I can't.  At least not all the time.  I can but when I go into the depression hole, I go alone, and no one can follow. 

I had a breakthrough though, a week ago.  I had been putting my depression first, not God.  So I switched things around.  You can't serve God and psychology. 

I used to be the biggest cheerleader at church camp and I've tried to expand that into helping people.   People at work, people at church, people I pass in Hobby Lobby.  In college, I was really involved with people.  Now I can't find the connection.  Maybe I'm in transition and I should be patient with myself.  Everyone who is stressed should pause and have some self-compassion on themselves.  They are trying to do the impossible.  They should pause and let the impossible come to them. 


Sometimes I have to write it out because I'm all edges and can't hear myself think.  I hope this helps "one another" and not just me.  I have a lot of stuff to go through and I want to share my thoughts, because I know a lot of you read this to find out more about me. 

I feel like I'm in that subway train station in the movie The Matrix.  I'm in transition, but it threatens to take up the whole rest of the movie.  I don't want that to be my life.  Stuck in Transition. 

I'm not ready for a relationship.  But I don't want to be Stuck in Transition. 

Heya! It's a coffee and Fleetwood Mac kind of morning!

Hey everyone.  Michelle Roach had a post saying it's a coffee and Fleetwood Mac kind of morning.  So I took a piece of her recommendation and am currently listening to Fleetwood Mac. Brings me back to home. 

I'm crying right now, but I'm not sure why.  Not outwardly crying.  Kind of just this hurt feeling inside.  Not really sure where it came from or what to do with it.  Go to college, maybe?  :) 

Then I would have to decide what to do with the rest of my life and I'm still haven't dropped the mic with that one. 

Feeling kind of hungry because it's almost dinner time.

Practicing Spanish on Duolingo.  The site has all sorts of Languages, such as Russian and Spanish.  it's pretty elementary, so if your looking to learn a language in a simple kind of way, you should try it.  I think it's a bit harder with languages that don't use the English Alphabet, but it's still worth a try if you are just beginning.  Say I sent you.  I'm on level 15 with Spanish.   Level 6 with German, Italian and French. 

I have not exercised today.  I've been doing 30 second planking, 5 situps and 5 pushups whenever the mood strikes me.  They don't get me sweaty so there's no need for a shower.  And I can do them anywhere where there's room and furniture to hold my legs down for situps.  It's not like sustained aerobic exercise, but at least I'm getting stronger.  I think that's my goal for exercise.  Not to be less fat, but to be stronger.

Laziness

This is something I've been making up in my head for a while.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When you are lazy everything is wrong.  Everyone hates you.  People don't help you become less lazy.  It's not looked at as a disease.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I read a book about a procrastinating duck when I was a kid.  It scarred me for life.  I'm serious, I took that book as gospel truth.  Everyone hates someone who procrastinates, someone who is lazy.  And I hate myself when I am lazy.  I don't know which comes first, the self-hate or the laziness.  Maybe they are symptoms of the same disease.  Maybe the air is just stale.  Maybe I've lived too long in the same place.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I keep looking at it like a detective.  Why am I so lazy and a procrastinator?  And then I think this is the reason: there are some things I could do that would be positive during the day, like sell AVON or exercise and I could have gone to a church meeting tonight, but when I thought of it, it was too late, but I am so infatuated with the idea of getting up early in the morning, like it's some miracle cure and that I am a bad person for not waking up in the morning and I don't deserve to do anything, that I don't do anything.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I think that I am a bad person.  I don't deserve to do anything.  Every single day, I have to convince myself for hours that I'm a good person and worthy of having enough energy and motivation to do anything.  Isn't that sad?  I just watch comedy videos all day, after lying in bed and thinking an hour after I wake up.  And I blame me, because no-one else witnesses my laziness except for me.  I'm basically soul masturbating.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I keep trying to feel bad about something, because other people feel bad about stuff, but I just don't.  It's like I have no emotions.  And then I'm ashamed at how boring my life is at my counseling appointments.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I keep getting discouraged when I think about contacting other people, because I feel like I'm terrible at it.  And I feel like I gave away my ability to connect with others to someone else.  I feel like there's no point in connecting with others, because there will always be a man behind me telling me what to do and how to feel.  Sometimes, I feel like I would make a good lesbian.  But I also know how boring that would probably be, and it would drive away my family and I wouldn't have the kids I want.  Just because I hate men, doesn't mean I shouldn't marry one, right?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I feel like this whole weird speculation is drawing attention away from the more boring, but bigger main problem, that I am lazy and a procrastinator.  Cause you're not going to even notice your foundation if there are no problems with it, but if there are problems, your whole house is going to be affected.  So if my laziness is keeping me from achieving my dreams and making something of my life, every day of my life is going to be like this.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Like I said, I feel like everyday, for hours, I have to convince myself that I'm a good person who deserves anything. Motivation, love, food. I feel a strong pull to put myself onto a dating site.  I could be with someone for a few months.  It wouldn't last because I'm lazy.  I never want to do any work in the relationship, even if it's for a positive result for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Lazy could sum up my life.  If this has horrified you, because you are my relative and you are ashamed to be related to me, please comment, it might motivate me a little.  Thinking that I am the only person to care what I think is one of my problems.  If I was working for someone else that might mean something.  If you care, comment, too.  Don't think that I'm going to take them badly.  This post is a cry for help.  I feel like I am undone.  Don't be afraid you will break me with whatever horrible thing you might say, I have been through a lot.  You can also private message me, if that feels better if you have Facebook at Megan Coker.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I want to stop being lazy.  I want to deserve and earn love, energy, and motivation.  How can you wisely invest, however, if you have no money?  I feel like for 14 years, I had a lot of attention, energy and love, even though about 11 of those were pretty bad.  But now I fear I don't have anything, or I have to convince other people to invest in me.  For hours.  I have barely enough energy to convince people or myself to invest in me, but when I get it I don't have the right hardware.  It's like I'm working with ancient hardware that doesn't have a electric plug to get any energy.  I need like a mule. to move around an ancient mill.  So I'm basically wasting my time trying to get anyone to invest in me because I don't have the right hardware.    And it's frustrating because I need their investment.                                                                                                                                                                            .I think I need to move to...Deleted for privacy...and go to ...also deleted... because that's where my mule is.  But how to make it day by day in Arlington, TX until I have enough money to make the investment?   I'm going to keep trying to wake up early.  I have made gains in this area.  I have started to wake up early, just haven't been able to stay awake.  Today I woke up and took my meds and started my breakfast before going back to bed.  I even set the alarm clock later in the morning so I could get up again. I don't know what happened with that.          This is me convincing myself that I deserve love, after flaking out on AVON, and exercise, and doing the responsible thing, looking for a job, and instead watching four hours of comedy from my bed and the couch.  Join me in my fight not to be a lazy, procrastinating slob!...and comment below.                                                                                                                                               

Hunky Dory.

I'm sitting here, enjoying a mid afternoon snack of chocolate and nuts, just went through my email, messily and selfishly, called to get my prescriptions, checked out what I needed to check and prepare with my job search notebook and made some plans for tomorrow.  The sun is shining outside, met the mailman at the mailbox, had some intriguing dreams and woke and got up in the AM.

Everything is wonderful.  But I suddenly realize that I have nothing to do.  There are those work-a-holics who say they never had nothing to do, please take some of my workload.  And there are some of those people who rest all the time in the spaces of having nothing to do.  That used to be me.  If I didn't have anything to do, I didn't realize it, I simply had no extra energy to do anything else.  I would lie on my bed or on the couch in the living room, staring at nothing and thinking for hours.  What has changed?  I don't believe in resting anymore?  Partially.  I have this extra energy and it's good for another 4-5 hours and I can make up things to do...

For example, writing.   Blogging, as, I'm doing here.  Emailing and texting people.  Social media.  Getting those old clothes matched to a repurpose project.

However, I want to do something for someone else.  Something that would make someone else happy.   I already cleaned the house somewhat, at least the floors, (and that's for my mom and I) but I'm at a loss for to what to apply this energy.  It seems strange to have extra energy.  Maybe it's dim, failing energy that would be better applied to a think and a rest, I don't know but is being falsely being sold to me as good energy.  Weird chickens.

I hope ya'll are doing well, Leave me questions in the comments, and I'll definitely answer them.

Don't let your mistakes keep you from achieving your dreams

Sunday, January 14, 2018

6:44 PM

What kind of mistakes keep me from achieving my dreams? 

Time disasters.  Energy disasters.  People disasters. 

All mistakes fit into these three categories. 

Anything can be a time waster.  Most things are time wasters.  It's not a mistake to take care of yourself and rest.  Some people, I'm not naming names, would say that any time not spent on your goals is time wasted.  You have to portion out your day.  You need 8 hours of sleep, give or take a few, at least 30 minutes to an hour of prep time before you start your day and the same amount of time at night before bed, to get sleepy.   An hour of exercise, 30 minutes to shower, an hour to eat, breakfast lunch and dinner.  That takes about 15 hours right there, just spent on equilibrium tasks.  24-15 = 9.  You've got to have work, and that takes about 8 hours a day, minus weekends, where you would probably be doing housework anyway and that leaves you with about an hour.  One hour to fulfill your dreams, unless you are doing it at work.  One hour.  Impossible, right? 

Now all this is theoretical.  I'm pretty much basic about getting things done.  I can get ready in thirty minutes, I've found out.  I don’t exercise.  I sleep late on my days off.  I can eat and do dishes in 15 minutes, practically and watch an episode of Parks and Recreation while I'm doing it.  So generally I have        3 to 4 hours of free time, that I have mostly planned to achieve my dreams. 

So you have managed this free time.  Pretty sweet, huh?  What mistakes can keep me from achieving my dreams?  Being stuck.  Being stuck is a mistake.  Yeah, you heard me.  If you are "always" or if You notice that "always"…something or "never" something the problem is not someone else, it's you.   Because you are the one noting the behavior and seeing it repeated.   Get unstuck.  That's right.  I don't know how you do it, but if you are stuck, get unstuck.  Grease that gasket!  Your dreams and your life depend on it.  Let me put it this way.  Your growth depends on it.  So no one wants you to grow.  Withdraw a little and let others grow on you.  Take a chance on change.  I'm not talking about huge changes, but growth.  You can't even see the change, but something looks a little different. 

What other mistakes can keep you from your dreams?  Distractions from which you can't recover.  Get drunk, have a baby!  I'm not saying this will kill all your dreams, but it certainly will throw a wrench in the works.   Distractions from which you can't recover.  I'm going to give you some examples, which are bad examples, because I have and can recover from them, but writing is an art, not a science, so bear with me.  I sometimes do random things because they feel good at the moment, and don’t think about the consequences.  One time, I decided to do Avon.  Now I have 40 or more books of all ages, sitting in my room, rotting away, while I have one sale, and am awaiting the Avon Fairie to come down and bless me with miracle selling ability and millions of contacts.  I once signed up for an online insurance class.  I think I have a couple days left to study and I read most of the chapters of the book, but no motivation.  And I'm out 160 dollars.  These are pretty average risks, but they have the potential to be distractions from which I can't recover.  I still have to talk to my Avon mentor.  I have so much guilt that I may avoid her for the rest of my life, and I paid money for those brochures, too.  These are little side dreams, little mistakes, that could take you from your main dreams, your main goal.  And if you invest too much into them, they could derail your life forever! 

I want to disclaimer this.  There are some people who go on to give their lives into selling Avon, or insurance, or whatnot, and this isn't automatically bad or evil.  I think I'm really just getting to know what distractions are going to keep you from recovering in life and if you know more about this than I do, please, write more on the subject, but this is all I have for you today.  

These are my examples of time disasters: Getting Stuck and Distractions. 

Energy disasters.

You remember those 15 hours of borderline stuff that you have to do to stay normal?  Serious problems come out when you don't do that stuff.  You don't get enough sleep?  Stress.  You don't shower?  Stress.  You don't exercise?  Stress.  You end up being late to morning stuff, accidentally late for sleep, you don't get enough sleep?  Stress.  You could end up chronically late for everything in your life.   Also, did I mention sleep deprived?   Or stress?  Now, it's ok.  Stress is normal.  However.  A lot of stress, and you could crack.  I know.  I'm one of the crackers.  I'm not talking about how white I am.  I cracked under stress.  More about that later. 

Unhappy breaks to your routine is another energy disaster.  I have a pretty good routine mapped out at least for the mornings and the evenings.  I like to have some time with God, and breakfast and I'm trying to start exercising.  I take a shower in the evenings and read, journal and knit.  It's pretty sweet.  My brother's dog came to visit us for a weekend, and that was a happy break to my routine, because, of course, I was showering her with attention and affection and catering to her every whim.  But a brittle routine paired up with an unhappy break can be the worst.  We can't let the terrorists win.  Routines are there to make you feel happy and secure, and if there is dramatic change in your life, or a schedule you  despise with your eyes that doesn't fit you and draw you to your needs, you will have an unhappy break, that will set you back for years.  It's another cracker situation. 

People disasters.  I don’t even know where to start with this one, actually I should have started with this one, because there is no time/energy management, only people management.  Am I right… people?  You would know.  I like to think of individuals as little business organizations who are all managing people under and above them.  In my experience, I have avoided people and tend to be an introvert, for many and varied reasons, and I know that it is me.  But I do love people and want to be there for my friends and family.  I like to keep my options open when it comes to people and the mistakes you make are varied and impossible to describe.  I don't even know what I could say about people that could make sense of anything that might start to describe mistakes we make with people that can keep us from reaching our dreams.  A couple good rules of thumb.  Keep your word.  Be as honest as much as possible, lie when you need a breath of fresh air, take care of the little ones, respect the older ones, and don’t lose faith with your peers.  That doesn't even begin to touch the volumes of work which could be written about people disasters, but it's a start.  Don't ever stop learning. 

So achieve your dreams.  Don't be thrown off by time, energy, or people disasters.  I hope this helps in someway, forgive me where I fall short.  

The Shining

I felt like poo today.  I was in bed and I turn into a bed monster when I'm at home, when I don't have any place to go and I won't get up.  I kept hearing my dad's voice talking to me, (figuratively), "Get up!  Get up!"  and I kept rolling over and saying "No."

So I woke up at 5ish.  There was this meeting to get to and I could have helped prepare for it, and my friends have been texting me, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

My little kid, just looked at me and said, "Those are fighting words!"  

So what did I do. I had all this self-hate in a pool that I was wallowing in.  First off, I started watching College Humor, which popped up on my screen.  I wasn't too bright right after I wake up but I wanted to shake off the willies.  Not much happened, but I knew I had to get to Parks and Recreation.  

I didn't watch the beginning of the show when it came out, just the last couple of seasons, so I'm getting all this crazy background that I didn't get on round 1.  I do keep comparing my watching style to my previous watching style.  I remember being so excited about people and yet snarky with an attitude.  I guess I shouldn't compare and should just be in the moment with what I'm watching now.  

So looking up self-hate online didn't help very much.  I'm thinking there should be more research into hate, since it is  the driving factor behind all the bad things humans do.  However, you get a few dumb "Sorry you hate yourself, have better self-esteem" sites when you look up, "I hate myself" on Google. 

I meant for today to be awesome.  I was going to AVON out.  Yep, I sold into a company that bugs people and sells things.  Just thank your lucky stars that it's not Thrive.  (JK, Love you Thrivers.)  This company sells really great stuff.  And I was going to bug the crap out of people.  

My mom came home with some groceries, I made coffee, Ate some cinnamon rolls and onion rings, go figure.  Turned the air conditioning on, because Texas evidently has a season problem.  

I'm starving for people interactions, I know it, but today was not my day.  I hate having one day crappy and one day great.  I want all my days to be great.  But people and energy, you know.  All my days used to be terrible, so I guess I'm actually improving.  I forget sometimes.  Those days were so unmemorable.  

So I Park and Rec.  It's really a great show for cheer up feelies.  

But now I'm writing this blog.  And figuring out what to do with the rest of the day. I drink my zyprexa and melatonin with my coffee, ironically.  

I've been a strong advocate for the mornings being "right" and the night being "time for sleep."  However, I am awake now and slept all morning and afternoon.  Perhaps, I'll AVON out with the night crew.  Sometimes I sleep all day and then sleep all night.  The biggest thing is that I need to forgive myself for sleeping all day.  Not because it's a forgivable offense, but because I was hating myself for it and poor self-esteem sucks, and you never get anything done.  

I have a hat that I stopped knitting on the other day because I had made a mistake and I was extremely frustrated by it.  Nope, don't want to knit.  Not if I'm one of the cool kids.  

These moths keep showing up. I know they are eating holes in my clothes.  Need some Cedar blocks.  

My self hate is turning into anger and tenseness in my body and in my head, I'm panicking from within.  "It's night!"  I'm screaming at myself.  "You can't do anything!  Everything you do is pointless!"  And I'm getting hurt.  

I want to force my biological clock into place and punish myself for "being bad," by lying down and not getting up until morning.  

There's knitting and reading and coloring (I just bought a huge coloring book at Barnes and Noble's).  I could AVON out.  There's planning tomorrow.  There's practicing the guitar.  All these things and the only thing I really want to do is be with people.  And I can't.  All there is is this computer screen and the threads of whispers in the back of my head that I get from here.  Monsterlife, people, peace out.  

I love animals.

I had a dream that I was at my house in Cedar Park and I let in 6 different cats from the rain.  I was thinking how I was going to care for them and tell my mom.  I was so happy.  So happy

Word of the Day and Worst of the Day

Merrium Webster's Word of the Day

Palliate

1 :	to reduce the violence of (a disease); also : to ease (symptoms) without curing the underlying disease

Icy Hot palliates sore shoulders.

It also means to make a bunch of excuses.

I get a word of the day and found the perfect way to use it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've wasted all day.  I slept ALL day.  I got up early and had morning revival with a sister and then didn't have any motivation to do anything.  I had a huge list. I kind of  had an inkling to clean the yard, but had so much fear that I didn't know what to do with myself.

Fear.  I haven't found what positive benefits fear provides yet.  I'm still looking.  Maybe fear helps us forget things, wiping our memories clean. 

I've been spoiled by courage, lately.  My fear resides like a floatie around me, buoying me up, but seriously demotivating.  I'm so bored with my surroundings I can't see to change them.  So today dealing with demotivation, boredom, and unreasonable fear.  No courage to change my surroundings or myself.   So instead of taking on any challenges, I turned tail and went back to bed.

I think this really has to do with disappointing someone close to me and because of that, they wouldn't or couldn't support me.  Did get the bloodwork done, though, so that's encouraging.

Really, today though, I enjoyed God's rest.  He is resting in me and I felt the past couple of days that my spirit was separating from my soul.   I felt unemotional and detached.  I missed the feeling that I could depend on myself to connect with others.  I felt unstable and not attached to any foundation.  So resting connected myself back to my spirit.  We think that we don't need that "Day of Rest," but today is the day we need it more than ever. 

My goal tomorrow is to find my courage.  I can't seem to find it most days, but I know it's there, just waiting for me.  I have to unlock it. 

To keep my word.  Because out of keeping your word comes all sorts of blessings. 

Icy Hot's True Nature Revealed, and Saturday Plans

I feel so gypped.  Icy hot doesn't really do anything.  It just stimulates the skin to distract you from the muscle or joint pain. I feel taken to the cleaners.

There's got to be something more that we can do for sore muscles.  I'm open to suggestions.

Tomorrow there's three things I hope to do.

There's this app that's like Uber for dog walking, Wag, and I'm going to do a test run.  I'm really excited about this, While it doesn't hope to pay more than the cost of getting there, I'd be walking dogs, which is what I love to do.

And...there are kittens at Marie's house and I plan to get over there.  Kittens trump everything.
Especially as cute as these kittens are.

Oh, yeah bloodwork.  When you take a lot of pills, they have to test you regularly to make sure everything's normal.

Life's going. I don't really feel like writing a bunch, which I think is Godly, but I wanted to update you on how I'm doing.

Beginning and Ending with and in Christ

So today is a lazy Sunday for me.  I have my Daily Do List and the Lord Jesus. 

I really wanted to go to the Pumpkin Patch and take fall pictures, but my mom is not having any of it.  Maybe I'll try her in the afternoon when she's more comfortable. 

Guiltily, made some coffee.  I try to avoid caffeine on most occasions, but I figured a little in the morning wouldn't hurt my sleep.  It might get my cells up and jumping.  I want to try the mushroom coffee, coffee from mushrooms.  I don't know if has caffeine or what, but it looks different and I think I'd like it. 

Had to do some laundry, and check my gmail. 

I'm falling to pieces over the purple rugs West Elm has.  I need a purple area rug like mad for my room with Winter around the corner and my feet starting to freeze unless I put socks on.  They are so expensive.  I'm saving for a new mattress first.  I've had this one mattress for 17 years and there's a dip in the side where I sleep.  Bad for the back, you know.

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I'm drinking my second cup of coffee, and getting the jitters.  The going down, coming off the first cup anxiety and the second rup energy.  A whole bunch of angry, anxiety energy, my body fighting with itself. 

I've been sleeping exactly the correct amount.  I hope you all have been, too.  I feel like God has blessed me with this because I've been praying for it for 14 years. 

I'm not really hungry at all though, which is good because I don't have to eat as much to feel full.  I've gone down a whole pant size, and can wear 14's now from 16. I had to get rid of two pairs of pants because they were too big. 

I don't really have the motivation to do anything big right now, so I'm sipping my coffee and writing this blog. 

*********************************************************************************

I'm caving.  I sort of made a budget. and I didn't put anything there for extra stuff just business, like transportation, meals, paying of huge amount of debt.  But nothing in there for extra clothes or special pins from Teeturtle.  So I'll have to go in and let myself get something special for winter. And I want to re-connect with my education, strangely enough, so I'm getting a long-sleeved Texas State Shirt.  I have a UTA pullover, already. 

Draw me dear Lord.  Draw me, today.  From my neighbor's loud gardening outside my window, dear Lord, Draw me away. 

My feet hurt and other stories

My feet hurt.My ankles, too.

I can't sleep, so I'm drinking herbal tea and distracting myself.  The tea tastes like grass.  I'm not very distracted.

I have been so darn selfish today.  I feel horrible.  Like I smoked a thousand cigarettes.

Listening to country music for a change, Stoney LaRue

I've been changing too much and only for myself.   So frustrating.

Changing yourself for someone else.  So not changing for yourself at all.

My mom came out to look at me weird.  

Life

Life continues.

Sleep, don't sleep.

Life has been winding down.

I can't sleep, or I wouldn't still be up.

I've been increasingly getting the feeling that I have insomnia. However, the sporadic times when I can't sleep at night happen usually when I've slept all day, so it's hard to keep track of when i really don't need sleep and when I need sleep, but can't sleep.

I suppose I could keep a log, but I've tried and it's hard to pinpoint exactly when you went to sleep unless you are a clock watcher.

So life, you know.

I have started something I hope I won't regret.  I've collected a lot of email subscriptions over the years and recently archived everything in my mailbox in a long and arduous process, which involved me clicking over 180,000 times.  So I have a clean slate, so to speak, and a lot of email to process, most of which should be junk mail and is filtered into the unimportant section of my inbox, but is really helpful when connecting with my personality.  The nuances shared in the latter part of my inbox, the scrub of the internet, help me reclaim myself, my inner judgement.

So diligently, I comb through the box and find myself over Old Navy and Bitcoin.

Sometimes you just have to reward yourself to make sure that you remember what a reward is.  When you are feeling that low, you have to give yourself something to remind yourself that good things can happen.  And this morning that is what I did.  I gave myself a new winter coat, only $35 at Old Navy. I really love that store.  I knew I would find what I wanted there.

Cryptocurrency posts still tend to confuse me in their newness and originality.  I read them, Minecraft style, readying to shape my furniture, blockily and according to myself.  I shall make thee mine, say I verily, yet still, avoiding complete understanding of the topic.  

Everything is complicated.  I made a crazy craigslist post over the weekend that I regret.   Suffice it to say, I didn't answer any of the numerous responses. Thank the Lord in heaven above me and in me that things didn't go any farther than that.  Sometimes the brain can only think of one solution to a problem and that is the true problem in and of itself.

Life in the day

Binge watched Seth McFarland's funnies on YouTube after I woke up after sleeping for pretty much 24 hours with a 6 hour break in the middle.  Roughly nostalgic with a touch of finality.  A sense of impending ending.

 Missed an interview, but it wasn't even near me, so it's not so surprising.  I was thinking of trying to get a Skype interview, but that didn't even make it to the launch pad.  I really wanted the job, too, but it turned out to be only part time and I won't take none of that, son.  

Feeling so lonely lately.  I mean my mom's here, but she's not a friend or anything.  I keep thinking about work and mentally waking up in a panic, thinking how wrecked I'm going to be going since I'm way past the expiration date, but really there's nothing else to do BUT show up.  I have to have the monies for my student loan.  So.  You see.  $300 and still paying back my mom about $1,300, maybe more. It makes for bad blood, owing relatives, so I just bought a cute turtle introvert pin on TeeTurtle for $8.00, which shows how bad I'm worried about paying my mom back.  I need to write a budget.  But I keep holding out for getting a full time job and starting the whole thing with a budget, fully fitted out with tithing, wants and paying back loans.  Yet I don't have very much faith in the process.  I've slain Subway so much in my heart I can barely look at it without tears in my eyes.  Yet look I do.  

Before feeling lonely, and binge-watching McFarland, I found myself mesmerized by IT.  Yes, I used to be scared of scary movies because I thought TV and movies were real.  Now I'm amused and cheered by the thrill of the scare.  Well, that was me in my twenties.  Now I'm kind of just bored with everything.  Slightly disturbed by the macabre.  A cranky old lady who lives alone.  

Thanks for listening bloggerverse, 

I've already typed too much, 

Megan Out.  

I've Been Thinking

About....writing.  Poetry.  I haven't poeted (every good word starts with poo) since my Senior Level Creative Writing - Poetry class in Fall 2015.

But I've been feeling romantic lately. Wanting to play guitar and write poetry.  It's awful.  I keep trying to screw myself back into position as a happy, productive business major but no.  The fates have summoned me, calling names like "sad," "melancholy," and "creative."  I'm getting used to this life, this constant sadness.  Truthfully, I'm only happy when I'm molding character. 

So poeting.  I might start to poet here.  I think best poetry is written to the self and all I've been doing lately is talking to myself, so it's a start.  :D  I have this book from my poetry class, The Practice of Poetry, edited by Robin Behn and Chase Twitchell that I have from that master class, which is nothing but poetry exercises.  I could take an exercise a day.  That would be something to loosen my typing finger joints and creaky, molding mind. 

I keep dragging my mom out after hours like so much heavy luggage dragged behind a flyer at the airport.  And Proverbs man, totally radical.  It says honoring your parents will bring honor and neck adornments.  My honoring my dad leads me to the heavy chains of love for him, dragging behind me like so much Marley's chains hanging on him as he regaled Scrooge about hell, as he came bursting back from the dead.  

I'm feeling miserable about dragging my mom out.  She's an old lady and needs her rest time, and I'm a young person and need to be out and about.  So we have a tension that way.  Tug of War.

My coffee at this lovely neighborhood Starbucks, is going fast, not only because it is delicious, but also because these grande cups are hella small.  I so want to sign up for their reward program.  Don't get me started on a rant, cause I'll go on for a bit and I'll change the world, one coffee cup at a time.  

Here we come to a resolution.  That is the resolution, but my brain has to think of a immediate resolution to the resolution.  So I'm lazy and resentful, forgetful and completely out of my mind so that the intended habit doesn't continue to fruition.  I think part of the problem is that I'm working on so many things at a time, but recently that hasn't been a problem. 

 It's either Subway or what-the-hell-am-I-doing(going-to-do)-with-my-life, which is a pretty stupid question that I used to ask myself a lot when I was a kid and none, not one of those dreams I dreamed have I ever ever realized.  I haven't become anything, so I personally think it's a huge waste of time.

I need a down-time semi-productive time waster, which usually boils down to Youtube or Facebook or Blogger.    

My mom is texting me now. "I'm old and tired and it's hard to read in the dark."  I feel really bad for her sitting in the dark, reading in the car.  She didn't want to come visit me.  I should be living on my own.  She doesn't need me.  

At home now...

There's that and the fact that I need at least $300 to pay my student loans.  I think I barely make that at Subway.  I keep making the case that I need a full-time job, but does a full-time job need me?  What space could I fill, lacking in character, education and experience?  I'm pretty depressed about trying to find a full-time job for whatever the reason.  

And I keep failing "life tests."  You know those things that you come across in life that build character?  Yeah, those.  They say that there's no failing, one path leads to another...but really?  Do I want to be successful?  I say yes, but only because I have to be successful to pay off my student loans.  

But I can't think about how much I need a job and work on a job search at the same time for whatever reason.  My urgency doesn't translate.   I keep trying to put the two together and my case doesn't hold solid for whatever reason.  It's like I mature my urgency and at the last minute thieves come and lift it right off the top of my head, like I'm in some sort of processing plant. 

I feel myself grow sarcastic.  It's not like I needed that or anything.  I only cultivated it, fought for it, sorrowed over it, pruned it and fertilized it.  Not a biggie.  I don't need it to help me find the right job, the job that will save me from whatever happens when you don't pay your student loans.  I don't need it to find the right job, the job that will save my mom and I from ourselves. 

Moving on, life comes fast and always changes direction.  

I'm getting a cramp in my shoulder, night's coming on fast.  I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow. Sayonara.   

I think I'm a periodic insomniac.

You know those people who have medical problems but never go to the doctor?  That's me.  In my family if you had a problem, you toughed it out and didn't go to the doctor, unless you had swallowed a penny or a tiny battery.  I used to get terrible stomach aches and I'd be soothing my stomach while sitting over the toilet and I didn't even think to tell my parents.

Also, recently I was initiated into the world of yeast infections.  I never realized that I had yeast infections until I talked to my doctor about it and she they are fairly common.  I just took everything in a stride and thought that I was normal, when in reality I had been having yeast infections pretty much from when I was a kid.

So when I have trouble sleeping, I know it's because I slept to much the day before and don't really consider it a medical problem, the insomniac and the hypersomnia parts.  I'm too much of a bum to find out what's wrong at the doctor and I am on three psychiatric medications, so it might be side effects.  I've been using home remedies for helping me get to sleep.

I feel like if I claim at the doctor that I have a problem, I'll be saddled with a label and a disease, but if I just ignore the problem, maybe it will go away.  I think a lot of Americans are like this.  That's why we think we don't need health insurance.  If I don't think I need help, maybe I really don't need help when I need it.  Kind of silly, but we like to take a gamble.

So I can't sleep some nights, and those nights, I take some 1 Thessalonians 5:6 and attempt to take the position of a watchman for the sword falling upon the land.  Things are mostly peaceful here in Arlington, but you never know.

Ephesians 6:12

12 For our wrestling is not against ^1ablood and flesh but against ²the ^brulers, against the authorities, against the ^cworld-rulers of ³this ^ddarkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the ^4eheavenlies.

I put a lot of emphasis on waking up early, and the best way to be awake early in the morning is never to go to sleep.  My friend quotes me, saying, "Sleep is great if you can catch it,"  and that's pretty much how I feel about sleep.

Today

Today has been hot in September, but there are clouds promising more cool fronts on the way on the horizon.

Went to the lake for a meetup that I had spontaneously joined last night.  Sunset canoeing, but it turned out they cancelled and I didn't get the message.  There were a lot of people at the lake though.
Skyped with Xander and Sayward and Mom.  Was nice, I guess.  Gets on my butt about having kids of my own.  He was blowing bubbles and loving it, super extroverted, so great!

Mom and I got coffee driving down to the lake.  Coffee's not so special anymore.  Sort of ordinary and part of my past.  I wish we could go to smoothie king, but changing things on mom is hard for her to grasp.

Trying to catch up for lost morning time with writing and reading.  I have a writing goal sheet that I have printed and I am hoping to stay faithful to it, even if it's just for a month.

Trying and failing at control.  Learning to accept a greater lack of it or a difference of control.

 You guys don't know what comments mean to me.  If I spoke to you even a little, speak out!  Shout!  I'd love to hear what you think.  I really don't know who gets this so unless you are embarrassed of me, which I think a lot of you are, comment.