I've Been Thinking

About....writing.  Poetry.  I haven't poeted (every good word starts with poo) since my Senior Level Creative Writing - Poetry class in Fall 2015.

But I've been feeling romantic lately. Wanting to play guitar and write poetry.  It's awful.  I keep trying to screw myself back into position as a happy, productive business major but no.  The fates have summoned me, calling names like "sad," "melancholy," and "creative."  I'm getting used to this life, this constant sadness.  Truthfully, I'm only happy when I'm molding character. 

So poeting.  I might start to poet here.  I think best poetry is written to the self and all I've been doing lately is talking to myself, so it's a start.  :D  I have this book from my poetry class, The Practice of Poetry, edited by Robin Behn and Chase Twitchell that I have from that master class, which is nothing but poetry exercises.  I could take an exercise a day.  That would be something to loosen my typing finger joints and creaky, molding mind. 

I keep dragging my mom out after hours like so much heavy luggage dragged behind a flyer at the airport.  And Proverbs man, totally radical.  It says honoring your parents will bring honor and neck adornments.  My honoring my dad leads me to the heavy chains of love for him, dragging behind me like so much Marley's chains hanging on him as he regaled Scrooge about hell, as he came bursting back from the dead.  

I'm feeling miserable about dragging my mom out.  She's an old lady and needs her rest time, and I'm a young person and need to be out and about.  So we have a tension that way.  Tug of War.

My coffee at this lovely neighborhood Starbucks, is going fast, not only because it is delicious, but also because these grande cups are hella small.  I so want to sign up for their reward program.  Don't get me started on a rant, cause I'll go on for a bit and I'll change the world, one coffee cup at a time.  

Here we come to a resolution.  That is the resolution, but my brain has to think of a immediate resolution to the resolution.  So I'm lazy and resentful, forgetful and completely out of my mind so that the intended habit doesn't continue to fruition.  I think part of the problem is that I'm working on so many things at a time, but recently that hasn't been a problem. 

 It's either Subway or what-the-hell-am-I-doing(going-to-do)-with-my-life, which is a pretty stupid question that I used to ask myself a lot when I was a kid and none, not one of those dreams I dreamed have I ever ever realized.  I haven't become anything, so I personally think it's a huge waste of time.

I need a down-time semi-productive time waster, which usually boils down to Youtube or Facebook or Blogger.    

My mom is texting me now. "I'm old and tired and it's hard to read in the dark."  I feel really bad for her sitting in the dark, reading in the car.  She didn't want to come visit me.  I should be living on my own.  She doesn't need me.  

At home now...

There's that and the fact that I need at least $300 to pay my student loans.  I think I barely make that at Subway.  I keep making the case that I need a full-time job, but does a full-time job need me?  What space could I fill, lacking in character, education and experience?  I'm pretty depressed about trying to find a full-time job for whatever the reason.  

And I keep failing "life tests."  You know those things that you come across in life that build character?  Yeah, those.  They say that there's no failing, one path leads to another...but really?  Do I want to be successful?  I say yes, but only because I have to be successful to pay off my student loans.  

But I can't think about how much I need a job and work on a job search at the same time for whatever reason.  My urgency doesn't translate.   I keep trying to put the two together and my case doesn't hold solid for whatever reason.  It's like I mature my urgency and at the last minute thieves come and lift it right off the top of my head, like I'm in some sort of processing plant. 

I feel myself grow sarcastic.  It's not like I needed that or anything.  I only cultivated it, fought for it, sorrowed over it, pruned it and fertilized it.  Not a biggie.  I don't need it to help me find the right job, the job that will save me from whatever happens when you don't pay your student loans.  I don't need it to find the right job, the job that will save my mom and I from ourselves. 

Moving on, life comes fast and always changes direction.  

I'm getting a cramp in my shoulder, night's coming on fast.  I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow. Sayonara.