Exposure

You get to the point where it's like do I expose myself more?  Do I reveal more secrets in a sad last attempt at ... something.  I'm one of those people who get more active when things come to an end, and I'm feeling things coming to an end lately. School, friendships, relationships, etc. 

An era of something.  This is a big deal. 

The problem is I'm really hurting and as great as it would be to let it out on the anonymous internet, it's really not great.  You have to have personal connections.

On one hand I believe this, but there's a part of me that is like B.S., you gotta write everything, every little horrible thing, and every horrible person that did something to you in the past 10 years. 

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but people have to realize that they can't do that.  They have done it, but there are consequences.  This is my only way to do that.  I don't have any personal connections.  I don't want to go on any dating sites.  I can't go to church, something to do with my mom and her not going to church. 

It's frustrating.  You think you're righteous and then suddenly you aren't.  It's like righteousness is fluid and changing every minute.  Righteousness is personal, not universal...?  I wish God talked about this in the Bible.  Maybe Proverbs, but it mainly talks about wisdom and knowledge. 

There's school, but everyone is either in a secret group that hates me (sometimes because I worked at Six Flags)  and sometimes because I'm not in a secret group and the others are innocent slaves who hate me because they think that they will get a one up and I'm only surviving because this is my first semester back. 

Maybe school's a big popularity contest.  I never believed it because I was homeschooled and there were only three of us and you can't really be popular in a triad.  Then I had a low in junior high in 6th and 7th grade and then 7th grade was fantastic at a Baptist private school, cause everyone was nice and it was small.  Then 8th grade sucked really bad, but I made some friends.  I colorguarded my way through high school.  Not really a popularity contest there. 

I think I use people too hard.  Not even on purpose.  It's like I wave my hand and I've sucked half their life out.  I don't know until later and then it's too late to make amends.  They look sucked out and I look brilliant (except for working at 6 Flags which strangely has more of an impact on me today than all my years of depression) and I want to buddy up with them and they look at me like...I'm the worst human being on the planet and they want to see me really depressed in vengeance.  And for some reason that's acceptable to pick on the one who is outside.  Who is older.  Who is awkward. 

And my neighbors are all depressed because I'm in school and they can't control when I walk my dog.

So personal connections are on the back burner to keeping up with school homework, thinking, acting and reacting to people who don't like me.   There are some people who I adore.  But I keep looking at them in my head and I see them look away from my eyes, head down and shake their heads, like we could never be on the same level. 

So I'm pretty much screwed on personal connections. 

Today, I chose to expose myself more.  To connect, to share with someone who reads what's going on with me.  I hope this helps.