Hymn of the Week #8

"Jesus Christ will get His kingdom
In spite of Satan and his plans;
He's getting something real and solid
By growing in the hearts of man.
It's nothing like religion teaches:
"You have to wait until you die."
For the kingdom Christ is building,
Is here on earth before our eyes."

Sometimes it's hard for me to get Jesus Christ's kingdom. A kingdom is such an abstract concept. What is a kingdom? Is it a person? It certainly is within our hearts. It's a person who loves us and wants us to come together to meet with Him and love Him. He is building this kingdom, this way of getting love to His chosen people.

Sometimes God just wants us to enjoy Him and other times He wants us to build for Him. What does this mean? God wants us to be living stones for Him. A testimony on the earth full of experiences of Him.

John 14:1

Do not let your heart be troubled; believe into God, believe also into Me.

This verse is really good. I read that to believe is just to enjoy what you receive. So if we've received a warning, a sweet message, a hard discussion from the Lord, if we just enjoy it, we'll be believing in the Lord.

Link #1

I have a link for you.

The background story is... I have a ton of bookmarks. They are all useful and unique in some sort of way or other. I want to share them with you.

This is a poem which I found amusing and noteworthy. My dad always says the Coker family is crazy, so this applies to most of us.

The Poem.

Hymn of the week #7

1. Morning dawn had arisen,
   Abraham saddled his donkey,
   Took his two young men with him
   And Isaac, his beloved son.
   Lord, You're God's only Son
   And of God begotten
   "This is My beloved Son, in whom
   I am well-pleased."

2. To his young men he said then,
   "Stay and we'll return to you."
   To Moriah he led him,
   His son Isaac, just them two.
   Just the son and the father,
   Speaking with one another.
   Isaac said, "My father!" Abraham
   said, "Here I am."

4. As You spoke with Your Father
   You bore the wood God laid on You;
   As a lamb to the slaughter
   Obedient to the death were You.
   Precious blood of a Lamb,
   Slain from when earth began,
   Laid Your life down for Your sheep, in love,
   that I might live.

4. Man of sorrows, I love You.
   From You men did hide their face.
   With no majesty to You,
   Despised, forsaken, and disgraced.
   For my sins You were crushed.
   Lord, I love You so much.
   Chastened, scourged and then pierced through, my griefs
   and sorrows bore.

5. Dead in sins and offenses,
   I'm a bruised reed—smoking flax.
   Yet to death You were given,
   For of Your sheep, You'd not lose one.
   Like the woman, I'd weep,
   Flow my tears at Your feet.
   Jesus Lord, I just love You—dear Lord,
   Jesus my Lord.

This is a great hymn because it tells a story of a man and his son and this is a picture of God with his son. Abraham gave his only son up to satisfy God's commandment, but he received back what was his, when God gave an offering up as a ram, caught in some bushes. I enjoy it because it has an impact on my daily life. I can consider that God loves me and that he wants the best for me, including dying for my sins, which are numerous and under the kingdom of Satan. Praise Christ! He can satisfy God's righteous requirement and I can become God's son!

Why every introvert should have facebook.

You don't talk to people. You are shy. Facebook gives you a way to connect that is unique in that you don't have to communicate with other people to know what's going on with them. For that reason, it caters to the introvert-stalker type and the extrovert-attention seeking type. To get the attention they crave is only a click away. I would recommend facebook.com to all my friends and family.

Last night on Earth

If this were my last night on earth. I'd like to thank everyone.

Thank you dad, for getting me to say Daddy as my first word, and for calling me pudding pie.

Thank you moms for putting up with me and sticking with me to the end.

Thank you Sayward for STILL loving me through my insanity and depression.

Thank you John for everything you've given me. I couldn't ask for a nicer person as a brother.

Thank you Grandma Coker for not giving in and not giving up. Now that's what I call spit n' vinegar.

Thank you Grandma Vaught for being stubborn and for your beliefs that everything will work out for good.

Ya'll are all important people in my life. And I appreciate you every day.

Hymn of the week #6

Seek ye first the kingdom of God
And His righteousness,
And all these things shall be added unto you.
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Ask, and it shall be given unto you;
Seek and ye shall find.
Knock and it shall be opened unto you.
Hallelu, Hallelujah.

Man shall not live by bread alone,
But by every word
That proceeds from the mouth of God.
Hallelu, Hallulujah.

This song really made me think. How much of my life do I give to God? Do I seek Him? The answer is miserly: barely. Having a good relationship with God is important. I would like to speak to Him. Prayer. Set aside at least to talk a part of the day with him.

Also I'm wondering to anyone who likes reading, my mom is getting rid of a bunch of Christian literature and this is high grade spiritual stuff if anyone is interested. We just don't have room for it, bookcases being in short supply.

http://www.stop-motion.org/Ex-ET.html

This is a link to a really cute movie. I think my family is cooky enough to understand it and relish it for the treasure it is.

Sometimes I just scream inside. The thought of unknown gods deciding my fate does that to me. Like I can't choose to go to school, but there's the money issue there and failing 2 classes doesn't help.

I want to write great things. I want to write something. I want to write.

I want to do something. I don't really care.

They want to push me down so I'll stay.

What's a little suicidal behavior among friends? It stops being worth something after the fifth or sixth time. Just Megan, being a little suicidal. I don't want to be like that. I just feel abandoned. Perhaps. I'd rather fall than be pushed down. Falling reminds me of Alice down the rabbit hole and I can always imagine that I'll be in an interesting place when I land.

A Little Bird I Am.

A little bird I am,
Shut from the fields of air,
And in my cage I sit and sing
To Him who placed me there;
Well pleased a prisoner to be,
Because, my God, it pleaseth Thee.

I really find this hymn to be good. I can't really go out and get a job like everyone does. But I can stay at home and clean some and keep house a little. God has limited us and we are stuck in our situations. This pleases God even though this is against our concept. So lets go on pleasing God, because He has arranged for each one of us our places, people and things.

A Letter

Dear Dad,

While times are hard and the economy is bad, I have been expending my efforts trying to get a job. It comes down to three potential jobs. Luby's, Silverleaf Resorts (a call center) and Kroger. All this is wonderful and good and I'm sure the three remaining jobs will duke it out like proper reality TV show contestants do, but until then, I've got bills to pay and I'm up a creek without a paddle, so to speak.

I have a hundred dollar hospital bill every month, and a 35$ public safety payment to make. Meaning, at least until I have a paying job, I still need support from my parents. Money from Dad, and food and shelter from Mom.

Thanks for understanding, and I hope I can return the favor when you are old and decrepit.

Love,
Megan

Hymn of the week #5

"He gives support and comforts you,
Interceding night and day.
And when you're weak He groans for you
With words you cannot say.
He's the Spirit, interceding.
He's the Spirit. Don't neglect this
Wonderful One,
Who is praying for you."

I enjoyed this hymn (it is one of my favorites) today. When the Lord intercedes in your life, you must be careful to listen and not neglect Him. Coming to Him daily in the morning is the prime time to contact and enjoy Him. Sometimes His speaking would surprise us.

Ninja (That's the dog's name)

We are trying to find a new home for our dog, a safe, loving home.

She is a bright black Labrador Retriever/Terrier mix.

She fetches, is curious and friendly, grew up with great parents who love her.

Right now she's just too much to handle for us.

So I ask you to if you want a dog or know anyone who wants or needs a dog write to us at spikywires@hotmail.com.

FreeCycle

Every day there are tons of e-mails in my mailbox due to freecycle. People are either have an OFFER or have TAKEN or RECEIVED and WANTED. This means people want clothes or fans or electric guitars or are offering this type of stuff.

Sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself that these people are taking time out of their busy life to share a hope or a gift with me. That is why I believe that free cycle and the world in general is a good place with people who do their business and live happily ever after.

Because of freecycle.

Thank you, ladies and gents.

Megan

Breathing

Been reading a book called Meditation as Medicine. You may think that the eastern religions do not have any value to add to Christianity, but since millions of people practice and believe them, I think they have some spiritual significance, as well.

Breathing is key. How you breathe determines how you will live your life. When you have a relaxed breath, a breath that goes from your toes to the top of your head, you will live a full and happy life.

I've been learning several breathing techniques. One is to breathe in for six heartbeats, hold for three beats, breathe out for six heartbeats and hold for three more beats. This is actually rather difficult as the heart beat speeds up or slows down as you are breathing, making this a juggling act. If you can get control of your breath, it helps you to get control of your entire life.

I urge you to try this and see what results you get.

A message and a job

I'm worried that my family is reading these journal entries and wondering what a strange person they produced. What strange imaginations go through her head. How she doesn't always make sense. Well, to you I say you'll have to take the bad with the good. My saddest two sentence entries with the great 8 paragraph ones.

In other news I might get a job. I'm almost afraid. I'm afraid I'll get in a dead end job and remain trapped there for the rest of my life. Bagging groceries. Making cold calls. Serving up fish at Luby's.

But there's another part of me that says just get a job and stop whining already. As of late that part of me has won. So I go forth to get a job.

Hymn of the week 4

This is one of my favorites and has been for a long time. It talks about how the love in Song of Songs is a depiction of Christ loving His faithful ones.

Rise up, my love, my beautiful one,
And come away, for behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
Flow'rs appear on the earth,
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtle dove
Is heard in our land.
My beloved is mine,
And I am His,
He who feeds His flocks among the lilies.
'Til the day breaks,
And the shadows flee away,
Come my beloved,
Come my beloved!
Rise up, my love, my beautiful one
And come away, for behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.

Treks

Treks. Everyone takes them. Even if it's just from the mailbox and back.

People take them and motives are unknown.

A Good Read

Sometimes all I can do is just read. My brain and fragile ego is a little more than a speck on this huge planet, all filled with humans who all consider them and what they do as all important. It's nice to take some time and dive into a good read.

Recently, I finished a book called Chosen by a Horse. The author is witty but unusually vulnerable to her readers, telling about her abused childhood and discussing her romantic endeavors. She is a creature that comes to terms with her mother's death (happening to her at the age of 5) by dealing with an abused animal, a horse.

She is very much a horse person and this shows in her writing, attributing human personality traits to the horses and seeing them very much as her children.

The book is excellent yet sorrowful near the ending. Not wanting to spoil the book, I won't disclose what happens, but it is a book with touching consequences.

Job Hunting 2

I'm trying to reach out to people when getting a job. Not just for the money, but for the companionship that other people offer us. Sometimes a fresh perspective on our life is required when getting a job. But that job is a passage through fire for some of us. The quiet, the shy, the timid of us.

I feel that I am one such. I'm looking for a job which can either push the limits of my quieter personality or cater to it's whims.

Yes, I'm looking for a job. Get out the party hats and kazoos. This time I might just catch one.

Scrabble night

Why don't we bring it back.

The game is World of Warcraft. That's where I've been the last couple of days. It's kind of a game that obsesses you. Draws you in. Which is all the fun.

I've been enjoying playing this game and I realize that I am growing a little as a consequence. Three things I've learned which are of use in the real world.

1.) Don't be afraid to ask for directions.

The whole man, macho thing is to not, but I find in a world which is constantly changing it helps to ask directions and often as not there are people willing to give them to you. Sometimes they will even guide you there.

2.) Emote often. Expressing yourself can and will get you noticed and by the right people.

3.) Fight as if your life depends on it. Which it does in World of Warcraft.

Even if you are fighting low level creatures, use your powerups and specials. The practice is good for you.

Overall, WOW, so they call it, is a great game and I don't know what I'll do when my trial is over. Cry probably, moan maybe, and buy the game, most definitely.

More Vampires

"The director thinks interest in vampires goes beyond the current fleeting dalliance with the Twilight series, in which the vampire is just a romantic bad boy.

"There are few characters that belong to the cosmos of mankind," he said, mentioning the dragon which is seen as evil or good in different cultures.

"The same is true for the vampire — it's very malleable — it's an incredibly open metaphor for power, greed, sexual appetite, you name it," he said."

I'm glad someone agrees with me about vampires.

Chinese Christian and Writer's Management

Starting a new project is encouraging, even if it has low pay. I've been writing some articles, $3 per article and there are a ton to do. I don't know how soon I would finish at just 4-5 per day. There's about 120 articles to do. Well, just fighting the good fight.

I've been reading about the law in Watchman Nee's book. How we sin without knowing it, but the law shows us that we have sin. Without our disobedience of the law it's difficult to prove that we are sinners. God, however can bring us back to the law and show us our sin so we are able to accept His grace which was God's original intention.

TMNT

I've been reading the revamped Mutant Ninja Turtles and it still has a great impact on me. I miss the tradition of Saturday morning cartoons and the anticipation and excitement they bring. When you are a kid, everything seems exciting, but growing older, you learn to pick and choose when you will get excited about something.

I personally realize that even the first things which I used to be excited about aren't as exciting now as they used to be. But we can learn to take the remakes of the remakes of our old cartoon and accept it and cherish as we would the original.

And mutant ninja turtles is one of those cartoons. Cowabunga, dudes!

Options

Options. Everyone's got 'em.

Thoughts on Twilight

"Vampires sparkle when exposed to the sun."

Why did I not know this? The most disturbing thought I've ever had, well, the second most disturbing. In fact, I was under the impression that they melted when under the sun. They could only come out at night. It's quite insane that there is a generation of people who are growing up to think that vampires sparkle when exposed to the sun. What will they think of next?

They can also read thoughts according to Stephanie Myers' Twilight. According to the real tradition, I find that vampires only real talent is biting people. And making more vampires, much like their close cousin zombies.

What does this mean? It means that our generation is changing what the status quo for the vampires will be. It means that we are stretching beyond our boundaries as humans. It also means I'll never be able to enjoy a vampire novel again.

Fleas

Guess what? I think I have fleas.

It started with the dog. She was found to be with flea and we gave her many flea baths. Unfortunately the colony seems to have moved to me. I've been suspecting this for a while. The dog sometimes sleeps on my bed, so the fleas have free access to move in. I scratched my head and moments later, I see a dark speck jump across the computer screen. Help! I know no natural remedies or tried and true potions. How will I get rid of the fleas? Most likely time and a good washing of the sheets, methinks.

Summer is almost here.

I can't believe summer and all it's guilty pleasures is almost here. We know that swimming will soon become available. And melted chocolate and camping out, with insect repellent, of course.

I'm thinking today was do nothing day #2, but I'm surely glad to have this day.

For some reason I've been craving marshmallows, crazily enough. Maybe some s'mores are in store for us in the near future. I hope so!

Absolutely Nothing

Day 1 of doing absolutely nothing. However, coffee is delicious.

There are holes in my workout pants... gotta get some new ones. These pants I've had forever, and they were hand-me-downs. Regardless I'll keep wearing them until the holes get too big for even me.

It's not often that people talk about the romance between a person and a article of clothing. I mean, these clothes spend a lot of their time with you. You have experiences with these clothes. They become a part of your skin. That's how I feel about my pants. They are a part of my personality.

However, when the time comes, I shall give up what I have with reluctance. Actually, I might make a quilt out of it.

Coraline

Coraline is a cute kids movie which teaches lessons about strength and courage and resilence in the face of danger. Most kids now a day's don't really go through adventures, therefore the movie is quite entertaining... a visual adventure.

I'm not finished with it yet, but soon will know the ending, which I'm sure is a happy one. We should have more movies like this out, attempting to show kids humility and agreeableness regardless of how "bad" or "boring" their lives are. It also teaches thankfulness.

What are you thankful for?

Love,
Megan

Two Girls One Cup

First a word of caution... don't see it. And if you do see it, I'm sorry because it has be indelibly burned into your memory. You know what I'm talking about.

So today was nice. I went to a yogurt house and it had so many flavors. Even tart lechee, which I would highly recommend as delicious to all. It may be my new favorite fruit. I didn't get lechee, however... what is more delicious than this amazing fruit? Cheesecake! Super amazing. I love yogurt houses so much that I'm going to marry them when I grow up. Lovely.

Oh, the dog's puking, i gotta go.

Until next time.
Megan

Grandmothers

This blog will highlight grandmothers. Since I have just recently added them to my mailing list. Not everyone has them and I'm lucky to be blessed with two very awesome grandmothers, Grandma Coker and Grandma Vaught.

One has taught me to be hard on the outside and soft on the inside. To not let go of sorrow, because that's what makes us human.

The other has taught me to be tough and loving. To keep busy, regardless of the situation. Not to let sorrow overcome you.

All in all, valuable lessons to learn. Thanks to both of you.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

I got absolutely nothing done today. I am completely ashamed. I was planning on making tortillas. Yes. Tortillas. But instead, I mucked about on the internet and did much of nothing.

That's ok, I'm alright with it.

Which leads me to the question of the day: What is your favorite food to make? Like some people like to eat a certain food, but say you are making some food which you have fun making or that other people enjoy... how does making it bring you pleasure?

I like making pork chops because I know everyone enjoys them. I cooked them last week and found that they are hard to make because of the wait...you flip em over....and then wait some more. It takes forever! But still the end project was awesome, because they all were eaten quickly and with savor.

That brings me to the topic of grudges. Don't hold them, they hold you back from experiencing new things.

That is all.

Much love,
Cinnamon and other spices,
Megan

Big Red and Big Proclamation

Big Red. What can I say but no, no, and no. It's main premise is it's color. Not taste. Not thirst quenchingness. Not health. This drink is instead famous for it's color, red. It's taste is of an old sock drenched in cherries and sprite. At least they try to give it a taste, second to the overwhelming taste of red dye. I'll stick to my sprite or coke any day.

I know this will come as a shock and a disappointment to many of you. I really don't think I'm getting a job any time soon. I don't really have an excuse other than I am completely comfortable living at my mom's house and enjoying sleeping in every day. I don't have any passion, as far as a career is concerned, so no direction there. If anyone has any ideas for motivation... it's not as if I'm going to be kicked out on my tail if I don't get a job. That's my big proclamation.

Either way, we're going to have to get some better drinks up in here. Big Red, puh.

Thoughts on God

There's perks to believing in God. That's what I've been reading in Watchman Nee's book. There's grace and mercy. As he says, grace is in the place where there is the most sin. Which touched me the most. Because thinking about all the things I've done, all the people I've associated with and all the darkness around me, that God was there, giving me grace through all of that... is amazing. They say as you get older you appreciate God more and I believe that is true.

Weekly Hymn

"If you wish to let Him in, you just call upon His name,
You just call upon His name and let Him in
Call His name, call His name,
Call His name, call His name,
You just call upon His name and let Him in."

I like this song because it focuses on the fundamentals. Calling and finding and opening. I find that calling on the lord is nice because I can do it anytime, in my head privately to the Lord. And I don't have to open so big, but just big enough for a little of the person of the Lord to come in.

Today the Mormons are Coming

I don't know what to say to them. Should I be all like I don't believe in your religion... I feel like there should be people screaming and throwing things. "The Mormons are coming, the MORMONS are coming!"

They came, I saw, I conquered. I totally told them, I just wasn't interesting. It was horrible and great. Because they are spiritual in a sense, even if their religion was total bunk.

I just have this horrible habit of being nice...or to be more specific of doing the easy thing. Like letting Mormons run over me. Next time I'll use some spiritual karate. "If anyone adds one iota..."

Coffee

I love coffee. The coffee I have now leaves residue in the cup and is instant, but it still has that coffee flavor and smell. I think it reminds me of my grandmother's house where there was always abundant coffee and how my grandparents had a morning routine of getting up, reading the news and drinking coffee. I'm sure my grandmother still does it to this day.

Coffee inspires me and I hope it inspires you.

Banana News

The banana gun robber, concealed his "weapon" under his shirt. This seventeen year old found that the weapon also makes a tasty and nutritious snack as he ate the banana before the police showed up. Quote from the BBC News "'If he had a gun he would have shot me,' Mr Mabe told the Winston-Salem Journal newspaper. 'But he had a banana.'"

That's how I would rob a store. With a lonely banana. They are dangerous, at least as far as 80 year old hips and slips go.

Dogs are great.

Dogs are great. The actually can run with you and they aren't seeking to find a place to hide like with a cat.

And they actually have a personality.

I'm applying to jobs out the wazoo... so I better be having a job soon. I get impatient. But like all things it takes time and anyway patience comes from the lord. Except for people who are naturally patient. They need God's impatience.

Anyway. I love your e-mails. I bask in them, like a sea lion in the sun.

Nada.

Which is Spanish for nothing, which is what I've done today.

I actually finished watching Red vs Blue, of which my favorite character is still Lopez. Well, Lopez's head actually. I can't really keep track of the other characters anyway, they blend into a mesh of stupidity. I especially was bothered by the character Caboose. He just got irritating towards the end. Watching it made me remember a love of the old things though. After watching so many cop shows which just emphasized sex, drugs and debachery, Red vs Blue focused on the more important things in life, such as time travel and talking bombs and aliens.

I feel a little more fulfilled just by watching it.

Music

I just discovered Jason Mraz. He is lovely. A little Jack Johnson versus pop music. I like it. Sort of a Dave Matthew's band. He is a lovely golden canary.

Question of the day: What's your favorite music?

I'm disappointed that no one has come forward to share their plans with me, though I did get an e-mail from Sayward but she sent it to everyone else, too.

I still have no plans currently. I'd like to get a summer job perhaps. I've been looking mostly at jobs from snagajob.com, a site that lists entry jobs, so I don't have to worry about my qualifications when getting a job. I've applied at several jobs so far, ranging from Sears to AMC theaters. I don't know that I'd get any of these jobs, the practical aspect is that I'm trying. And I'm call some of them for a follow up call, don't you worry about that.

And if you're brave enough, send your summer plans in,

Peace, love, and prosperity,
Sincerely,
Megan

The Terrible Tues

It's a Tuesday and I'm thinking no big plans right? "Stumble" a little, listen to some music a little.

I swear the most interesting part of my life has been my night dreams.

Last night I dreampt I lived in a small makeshift zoo. Some saints lived with us as well. There was this huge mansion and all these animals, chimpanzees and snakes and lions in these small cages. It was great. Until some of the snakes got loose and started biting people. We got them under control, though with the help of some visitors.

I think somehow dreams are inherently selfish since the only person who can really enjoy them is yourself.

Mom is in her room studying her head off. John is in his room, doin' his thang.

I wonder what in my life has meaning.

Hymn of the week

Number 604 in the green book.

Verse 3.

"This Jesus lives inside of me-
My Lord, my life, my all to be.
This life and peace inside increases
By calling on the name of Jesus.
There's nothing for my soul on earth to seek.
I have no need;
I'm satisfied in Jesus."

I like this tune because of it's quick pace and enjoy the verses because I enjoy that life and peace.

Well, the visit from Sayward and Jason was a success. In household goods we measure, but in abundance of joy, hope and peace is measured out. There was the rewiring of the cable into the walls, there was the board across the broken part of the garage door, there was the ringing of the toilet and the fixing of faulty shower handles. All in all a success.

Thank you to all involved.

Oh, and I got new speakers. I have ears now!

A sister

A sister is coming over tonight. Whatever the saints touch always turns interesting and full of life.

Update

Nablopomo is going ok. You get in a rhythm and you just write. Groovy man.

No one has sent in their stories yet. I'm not going to harp about it, but it would be neat for the family to read what every one else's plans are. Unless they are secret plans. Then please don't share.

My job search is still fruitless. It's painful for me to talk about, because of the economy and the mental health issues I face every day.

Oh, and I finally joined Twitter. After reading about it on countless blogs, I join and find the community active and alive and random people adding me to their tweet list. Which I find fascinating and confusing.

Job Hunting

I struggle with getting a job. I kind of feel that the stars should line up or the gods should unite and somehow, somewhere, the right job would fall into my lap as the clouds parted and one of God's fingers touched down to light the way. Like God would get me a job since He knows I need one. Course I haven't prayed about all this... The most guidance I get is a Bible verse saying "work with your hands." That could mean I should be a masseuse for all I know.

Job hunting isn't like that. It's dirty. And you're going to get a thousand wrong jobs before the right one crops up. You have to dip your mind and your soul into it, as if you are dipping your hands in oil. And it's not fun. It's traumatic. One job you thought was fantastic never called you back. Or another job which seemed just right you don't have the qualifications.

All I can say is pray for me in these dark times.

Hymn

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it;
Prone to leave the Lord I love:
Take my heart, oh, take and seal it
With thy spirit from above.
Rescued thus from sin and danger,
Purchased by the Savior's blood,
May I walk on earth a stranger,
As a son and heir of God."

That's a verse to a hymn I like. I like that it says we're prone to wander. I do this a lot. I miss appointments and don't listen to God. Like we could actually hear Him. Anyway, we just have to ask the Lord to seal our heart. And being a stranger to earth, we will be a friend to God.

Your Stories

So , John is getting a job for summer, and I'm getting a job? Maybe. And Say is still working on having that baby. And Mom is going to enjoy her break from school and Dad is still in hot Iraq.

How have you all been doing. Time to write to me about your stories and I'll post them as they come. This is your blog as much as mine.

Love ya,
Peace out,
Megan

Sometimes I wonder how much whatever I say matters in the long run. Will people do what they do regardless of the consequences, regardless of the fight we put out against them.

Really I just have to put some crap up here, cause I actually want to finish something. If I don't die first, I'd like to finish May's Nablopomo.

What's nablopomo, a reminder of what it is, National Blog Posting Month. They actually have the challenge up every month.

What's the point? There is no point. I have no noble fantastic purpose in writing these things. I really just want to share myself with the world. Or something.

Do you ever just hate anticipation? I hate waiting for things, too. It will be glorious.

A typical day

Suicide. No one really wants to talk about it. It's such a shame.

My day.

I get up. Gotta eat that sandwich mom brought.

I eat it. does not sit well on the stomach. Perhaps it's protesting after such bland foods as rice and beans.

I get on my computer and start stumbling through blogs. I find one with cute Asian kids. The parent must be proud to take so many pictures.

I get on my gmail account. Nothing there. No wait. Spam.

The hotmail calls. That's where I receive most of my mail, regardless that most of it's junk. I enjoy sorting through it. I end up on facebook, checking out my groups.

I end up on NaBoPoMo. This reminds me of my blog and how I could one day be famous. Famous for have a blog detailing the most boring day in history.

I add myself to the blogroll. Then I think... I want to be famous. What blog directories out there do I need to get myself into? From there is a bunch of directories you can sign up to be in, most out there to make a quick buck from advertising, but interesting nonetheless.

Right now I'm waiting.... waiting... waiting... for the sites to load. Agony.

I get lost in the world of passwords, descriptions, and RSS feeds for a minute. It's a long minute cause the internet is slow as molasses.

Eventually, as I come to realize, all this hullabuloo and fancy metatags aren't worth anything. Having my family read and enjoy my posts is really good enough for me.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm an

Organized Traveling Believer

Drool or Bible?

Hey everyone, I hope everything is going well with you. There's so many hot guys around I'm just droooooooooling all over myself. NOT REALLY.

Anyway, I just am really creeped out by all the people in the church that I know getting married. I find out through facebook. What gives them the right to eternal happiness, when mine was crushed in one fell blow and thus my destiny awaits to do with it as I will.

What I mean to say is my life plan got thwarted. How irrevocably unsettling is this? And then people have the audacity to say that they have happiness which I cannot really share in (even though I try)? It's like everyone is getting married at the same time. And it's disturbing. I would ask everyone to please stop getting married.

I know the Bible probably has a plan for me. Stoning! I'm such a fornicator. Seriously, how does the Bible (my old faith) intermesh with what happens to me? These few words "Go and sin no more." That's the way it's gotta be.

Love ya'lls,
Peace outs...

Hey

Hey guys... I basically don't want to decide my fate, so I'd like you to decide for me.

NM.

Anyway, besides that, NOTHING is going on in my life. I hold the shift key down too long and filterkeys turns on. And that is exciting. And my life consists of sleeping, eating and staring blankly. Where is the drool, people?

I miss Thailand and my family and hope to see them again soon or go on a trip again soon. Perhaps Colorado in the summer so that will be nice.

Besides that I have chocolate-covered-cherry-flavored coffee, so that's a tasty treat. It's the only thing keeping me going.

Best wishes,
Megan

If.

If the internet were perfect, then there would be no broken links.

Idiot.

This post is to make me look like an idiot.

I hate my brother and mom. Now that they seem to be all buddy buddy and love each other. I obviously have no worth and don't have a place in the household I live in.

I really should go off and wander the streets and become one of those bums in Austin who beg on the street for their food. At least I'd have a purpose. Even if it is the most vile and despicable of ones.

I wish my mom had put the TV out of her room. I know it's convenient for her in her room, but it's more accessible for me and John outside of her room.

Has anyone else noticed that my mom is grabby? That she comes up behind you and just grabs things out of your hand. When you're not ready to give it up. Does that bother anyone else?

That's the question of the week, sorry for being an emo, but feeling like your second fiddle to everyone isn't the greatest feeling in the world.

Update #2

Megan is fighting internally about whether having a writing business is worth it or not.

Struggling with seeing "the kids" and dad together for the first time in about a year or two.

Worried that her interest in her school work may be fading. That she won't make it.

Washing dishes, brushing her teeth, and making her bed daily.

Has been trying this new Candy Cane body lotion. It smells terrible, she doesn't suggest it.

Has got a buttload of instructions how she's supposed to act in Thailand, but doubts that they will stick. "She bows."

Wonders what a buttload is and thinks it's different for everyone.

I need you guys opinion on something. I have another blog...which I don't update as frequently as this one. It's a knitting blog and right now it's called Knitting Kniaisarie, "niasirarie" meaning foolishness. I'm thinking about changing the name and could use your input.

Should I change the name to:

Knitting Knarls
Knitting Knavery
Knitting Knickers
Knitting Knock
Knitting Knots

or keep it as Knitting Kniaisarie


Don't forget to leave a comment on the blog!

Update

I'm sure that you all have been dying to know what's going on with Megan.

She still takes medication which she wishes she could get off.

She hasn't tried any long term projects yet, writing wise.

She's still going to school and taking her Technical Writing and Psychology courses seriously.

The catch on that is they aren't beneficial to her decided major, English.

For some reason, she got the clue that she should try for nursing. What a joke.

So she's hating these classes because they are pointless in her future, even though she's learning a lot.

She's glad she has internet.

She wishes her family would go to her blog and comment there, instead of sending her emails, because that would up her traffic.

And she likes talking about herself in third person.

The End of the Beginning

So I failed at Nanoblomo, but don't curse me for it. You just saved yourself extra stuff up for now.

The diet and exercise is going well, and I would like to say that mostly things are going well, except for this rash. Now, I, more than anyone hate people talking about their weird medical deals, but this rash is all over my body and my face is really red. Passably-for-a-normal-person-red, but still. We think it's the acne meds which did it, but I'm wondering with the diet of milk and chocolate and vitamins, and soy proteins and the excessive exercise... what is up with that?

I shouldn't be complaining, the starving children in Africa, you know. So with that I bid you adieu. m

Random Babblings

The last thing we forget to do after a long, long day of hard work is take a shower, get a cup of tea and relax.

So forget your troubles, your dirty neighbors, and actually, I really really am glad that we got a puppy. Because the problem lies within ourselves, and if we can give willingly out of a pure heart.

Trusting that a younger being than oneself will take seriously the propositions of the adult, we learn that even the best individual achievement is not good as working together.

Hard Cold Truths

I am an idiot. I am dumb, I am stupid, I am retarded, I am mentally insane, I am a fool, I am mentally challenged.

I'm ugly, I'm not fun to be around, I'm angry, I'm not a people-person, I'm antisocial, I'm shy, I'm fired.

These are some of the doubts plauging me, as I plunge through my day. I can't seem to think straight or come up with a line of conversation.

It's all just introspection. Either way, I'm unhappy.

I get where I want to push papers for the rest of my life... just to show them. Who? The man, I guess. I want to do something stupid and not useful. Which is what they want.

To show them the world of hurt they could get into and the world of hurt they are. So I can show them "bad."

So I can show them, that my world is crumbling.

They still want me to take the medication for what I did. I don't even know or could fathem (another one, I'm shallow.) how or what I did.

Anyway, that's my sucky post. Yah, NaBloPoMo. Question of the day (make a comment) : What are the labels you don't like or find stick to you?

The Fat and Thin of It

I basically slept all day and then I woke up and had a shake.

Let me talk about shakes for a second. These are the Slimfast shakes.

My lovely mother thinks that they don't have enough nutritional value, but they say right on the shake that they have like 100 calories and 20 grams of protein and stuff. Now I am taking these to lose weight and I haven't lost that much, maybe two or three pounds. Losing weight is hard, as is exercising three times a week. I can start to feel that I don't have as much energy (meaning I'm burning fat) and there is a looseness in my pants. And it will continue to be difficult to exercise.

The thing is, my body chemistry is working against me. The medication I take, the Zyprexa, is shown to increase weight among people who take it. It is also shown to cause diabetes. Although I don't have that problem yet, I'm looking to the future when it may become a problem through a family history of diabetes. Insulin shots and blood pressure pricks may be in my future.

While this has to do with my crusade against fat, it also has to do with my quality of life and who I am as a person. To the new month-- question of the day: who do I want to be?

NaBloPoMo

The aroma of cooking potatoes fills the air and in the kitchen my mother is cooking.

I have to apologize to my blog and my readers. I signed us up for something: National Blog Posting Month, which happens every month, but at the end if you've posted for the whole month you get prizes. Which is my excuse for doing it. Maybe I'll even share the prizes. Either way, my readers and I are on a zany trip through soul-searching and self-revelation and nights of insanity and pointless conversations.

February's theme is "want." I may write on the theme, I may not. I think you get brownie points for writing on it. But I digress.

First Impressions

Mike Frame is my professor of introductory psychology. He's a friendly middle-aged man who likes to make the class laugh. There are online quizzes, making for easy grading and easy access to the computer. We have some research requirements to fulfill, but my first impressions are of easy class.

My second class is conducted by Lorie Jacobs, a woman I couldn't find anywhere on the UTA web site or on the site she gave us, it giving us a "Error 404," whatever that means. Technical Writing, a course which is based on boring exercises, is where the teacher is supposedly teaching us how to write. (A writer who knows that only one person can teach you to write.) So we'll learn "how" to write memos and other random "workplace" modes of communication. Furn, furn. I just made up a new word....say it with me....furn.


So overall things did not go to badly for a first day. Tomorrow should also go smoothly, with the addition of my books and I'm wishing I had a locker or cubby to hide my stuff in while on campus. Maybe they should add lockers for students. When they put out student comment cards, I think I'll fill one out.

Question of the Day: If you could go back to college or if you could do it over again or you want to go to college, what major would you choose? Answer the question in the comment section below the post.

A Separate Peace

I've been reading John Knowles a Separate Peace lately and I've found out several lessons.

1. Don't let your reader distract you, come back to the main point.
2. It's ok to summarize. That is helpful to your reader who isn't paying attention anyway and is probably drooling over the book anyway.
3. Don't be congineal and friendly, you get pushed out of trees.

That last one take with a grain of salt, I just noticed what the book was really about. And we want people reading it! Sometimes.

Well, I didn't finish NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month for skipping a couple days this past week, but I've been keeping it going with NaNoWriMo. It's getting difficult to not just finish it, in the beginning of the novel. I feel I have less and less to write about, but my characters keep living and functioning and most of all doing things. So I keep writing.

So amazingly bad.

It's odd how I read a bad book and I can put it down right away. But a bad story I'm writing...because it's nano I have to keep writing. I can't just put it away and say to everyone "let's never speak of this again." Although that might happen once this is over, but it's like a baby, I take it out once a day and coo over it and feed it, and it grows, regardless of how actually ugly this baby is. And it's ugly, no transitions from scene to scene, random conversations that don't really contribute to the plot...you name it, I've got it. Want to read it yet?

The no plot, no problem is actually kind of an issue

So I'm writing and I have no clue what comes next. It's like I am writing on the edge of the abyss, not knowing which words come next...and no, not the abyss in the Bible from whence come the dragon. More like the edge upon the abyss of reality. Which is scary place to be for me. But it that's how I write: so be it.

Sort of licensing writing above any other project I have going on is probably not the best idea. So I need to set down some ground rules for NaNoWriMo.

Writing does not come before sleeping, eating, or any member of the family, including the cat. In fact, those are my ground rules.

Oh yeah, if I turn insane over this horrible piece of writing, everyone must say that I "went insane for my work." Thank you. That is all.

Also, I find this highly amusing. Notice the white kid on the right. I know one kid who's parents will be voting for McCain.

Today was rough

I spent all my time up til midnight fidgeting away on the internet, all unknowing of the task I would have to undertake. I think many writers must write naked for that is what we must do of soul, strip ourselves down to the bare bones and build ourselves up again. It wouldn't do any good to try to write dramas with our clothes, on, they wouldn't be true to life, to our birth. Where we came from the womb immediately put in a fuzzy blanket to comfort us. While when someone reads they want to take off that blanket and face the world as it really is, passionately fancy-free.

The failing at life

I didn't take my physics test today. That's how I like to describe it.

1. We have a new professor and the tests are not the tests given to us in the science study lounge.

2 I brought two mechanical pencils and both stopped working.

3. I forgot to bring a scantron.

4. I didn't get half the problems on the test anyway.

Basically, I fail at life. I didn't go to the review. Even if I make a hundred on the next test, that only averages out to a 50.

I just think there's something seriously wrong with me that I fail at life. Maybe I should go to community college next year. Maybe the material there would make more sense to me.

How we get picked up.

Looking for writing jobs all day is draining, with expectant mothers to be of articles, newspapers and magazines yowling at us, conveying their every whim. I think they should institute a new way of working on projects. Like Mexican workers, we should stand on street corners and when a prospective employee drives by we should jump in the back of their truck, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I'm BAD.

I think we don't realize how much this word affects us as little kids. That we were a bad person merits change or at least remorse. But what if you're just bad at something: Something you've poured your energy and thought you were good at. Well, hell, what if you were just "bad at life." Which is how I feel about my recent job experience.

I didn't feel I was bad at it, my employer did. So do I take her perspective and hang my head in shame, or do I take the perspective of a gangsta. and say "Yeah, I'm Baaaaad!"

Password: Denied

I seem to have difficulty punching my password in just right the first time. I wonder if any other people have problems like this. Akin to test anxiety or perhaps a type of uber-anticipation, my finger or brain seem to be uncoordinated with each other. Either I don't remember the password, or there's a mini finger mumble-jumble. I hope that soon I can recover from my affliction. It is frustrating and annoying at the worst, but imagine what one could do with the saved time. Godspeed and coordination fingers and brains.

Hi everyone.

I've been doing a "word of the day" thing which I get from my google gadget. I love learning new words and using them in sentences.

Right now I'm unsure as to the direction of the blog. It's my personal blog which I want to reflect my personal life and what goes on. However, seeing as I'm not always at my most interesting, I'm not sure everyone wants to hear about my day.

I have several ideas: I could make this an idea blog, like Idea province. I have so many great ideas that never see the light of day.

Another idea is to make it a word-of-the-day blog. Which I'm not sure would appeal to anyone...

I talk to myself about getting readership and RSS blogs, but really, I'm a bit flummoxed about getting people reading my blogs.

There's the option of collecting all my contacts from facebook.com and promoting my blog that way. However, do I really want to annoy all those people.

First, I must choose a direction.

You can vote on a direction by sending me an e-mail. I've e-mailed my family to see what they think because I value their opinion. Send me your ideas. I thought of blogging for my classes, posting notes and stuff, and that's another idea. The thing is, most blogs need a gimmick, something that unifies them all and I haven't discovered mine yet.

Volte-face

An about face. I'm not sure as to the origin of this word. It seems rather strange that a volt, which is used for electric potential should be used. But I can imagine a soldier screaming, "Volte-face!" and the troops obeying his command, with a swift turn in the same direction.

Word of the Day: Littoral

Used in a sentence: The lighthouse was littoral.

This reminds me of going to the beach when I was little. I remember the sand and the back of the car open, with our camping equipment and a cooler. The funny thing is I remember a lighthouse, which makes me think it was a dream. Just goes to show our memory is not always accurate.

Donnybrook

I had a donnybrook today with myself. Whether I would be sad or not and I think I won. Because I'm awesome. And I have good self-esteem. Donnybrook means a brawl or dispute. I'm not sure you could use this one in a conversation, but if you want to make someone go "huh?" Definitely try it.

Slugabed

The reasoning for this word is rather simple. Slugs which are slow, a for the a, and bed for the lying in bed. I used to be a slugabed, and love staying in bed till a late hour. I started this practice when I was young, so if you don't want your children to be slugabeds teach them to get up early even on the weekends. These good habits will follow them throughout their life.

Fettle

State or conditon of mind. We have to few words to describe ourselves and how we work, as if the knowing can make us love ourselves less. I often hear the word, mettle, or worth of a person. But to understand fettle, the condition of the mind, we must first be willing to give up a practice which has grown old.

Why do you write?

Writing seems to the most complicated means of communication and, yes, technology. It's a time machine to transfer ideas from generation to generation, transferring itself through time and space and creating ideas where there were none before.

I am sad today.

And I wish I had the tao. The spiritual force of the universe which understands and completes everyone and everything.

My essay lies undone. I don't even want to finish it, the difficulty level is too high. I don't even want to go finish it, because I'll put all these laws and expectations on it, that it should be the best essay ever, and I can't. I'm completely unable to type that next word, and analyze that bit of poetry. Maybe it had to do with that spurt of inspiration I had to write the outline the other day. Now that it's gone, nothing else can compare.

I believe that one has to be inspired to write. Must be an adventure.

An English major on Laundry

I was washing my clothes, when suddenly, out of the blue, I think... flannel is probably not considered REAL clothes, when I realized that I was an English major. Only an English major would do such an in-depth analysis of clothes. I even sort them out, putting the whites and delicates aside. Careful analysis of clothes that is only matched by the perfectionist English major doing ho-hum chores.

The Butterflies

Why did God make monarch butterflies so lovely to look at? Most people aren't sure. Some people just enjoy the beauty of them. I, for one, think there must be a purpose. Like machines, they are made of pieces and parts stuck together and animated. Spindly spider-web thin legs, and paper-machete dusty wings, painted a vivid orange color. As if he wanted to get our attention. Then he put them there for a reason-like a thousand tiny flags waving, saying "Here I am, here I am."

This is lovely to behold, when the monarchs migrate. But maybe it's just nature's way of fooling us. As if to say, "the best things in life aren't yours to keep." Ephemeral. It's a word. Use it. That's the moral of the story.

At the Office

So I'm here in the Shorthorn office. It's nothing like Office Space, or the Office. For one thing, the majority of us are girls, and girls don't take the front in those comedies.

I'm Pam. Everyone's Pam. She's quiet and sweet and intelligent and average. And she sometimes wears coke bottle glasses. Don't get me started on glasses. They are eye blinders, where you can only look straight ahead, they mess up your close-up vision. Nope, can't focus on those sheets that have an ugly pink flower pattern anymore. When do you need this vision? Not ever really, but I feel it's on principle that I should be able to see that up-close. But no, I'm blinded to not only a few feet in front of my face, but also a inch directly in front of my face. So don't get me started on the evils of glasses. The evils of contacts are stretchy eyelids, but that's another story.

So here in the office where people are supposed to work. And we do. And the laugh factor is high here. On my laugh-o-meter. I have one.

John Read this!

Today I did a more realistic assessment of my finances for the Fall 2008 school year. Turns out I'll need more money than I'd expected, because of medical bills, and the fact that I'm finally attempting to sort out my face, acne-wise.

You think years of being grossed out by pimples should have turned me sooner, but I feel like my acne is my shield against the world. I pop them when I am anxious and the satisfaction of a good squeeze sometimes helps me get through the day. I don't know what I'll do without them. Like that Family Guy episode where the pimple took over in Chris' life, my acne has defined who I am.

Maybe the regime they will put me through will take it's place. Wash every evening with Purpose soap, put on a scar fading cream, then in the morning take a huge pink pill, wash it down with the others. In the morning rinse the face and put a pimple vanishing cream dotted on each pimple.

While a regimen may not or may take it's place, I hope I learn to live without the pain of having pimples.

There is water on Mars

It is proven by NASA's Phoenix Lander. So what does this mean... ice on a place like Mars. Could we live there? Is it a possibility? So with water on Mars it's only steps away from having someone there to drink it. Though terraforming planets, or making planets livable on a mass scale by humans is not really a possibility considering the great cost of the operation, it is still a theory in many science fiction films and books.

And I've always wanted to live in a dome, haven't you?

Actually I feel like I'm in a bubble, sometimes, living capsulated in my room with none but my computer to befriend me. From here to the kitchen and back the only trek I'm taking. But today, I got out of the house and took a walk to the local grocery store, about two blocks. I felt fat. I'm sort of a chubby person and have to deal with that. But I also sweated the same sort of water that was found on Mars, and it felt good.

So either, going to Mars to find water, or getting out of the house to not drown in the doldrums of life, both trips are essential to mankind.

Sayonara

And Their Bombs, and Their Guns

Today's title is thanks to Bjork. I hate her music.

So there is still such a thing as a suicide bombers. Americans think that if they can make fun of something it's not real, not as tangible as death is.

But over in Iraq, Bagdad and Kirkuk, to be exact, there were 4 female suicide bombers who attacked Kurdish protesters. We take for granted our right to free speech, by forgoing the need to speak freely, but over in other countries, there are women who take the right to live for granted.

That's right, 61 people dead. That means people who loved life, who were willing to fight for their liberty...cut off.

That is why we should value our freedoms to have a peaceful assembly, and to have the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. We Americans think we have it good and we do...with the ability to breath another day and to believe that life is for worth fighting.

It makes my small petty problems seem so little...that I want to give out knitting lessons, and while Mrs. Bezzina would like them at 7, my mom says she'll drive me as early as nine. In a way, I'm proud of my mom for sticking up for herself...in other news, it's a problem for me to explain why I can't do the lessons at the time I said was fine.

Either way we are in a governmental (or familial) relationship which is turmoil. While I'm struggling to become an independent person, Iraq is struggling with the birthing pains of a new government. May we both succeed.

Megan Out

So I'm into writing screenplays

The next new thing in my life. I know, I know, I'm better than everyone else because I can imagine writing screenplays. I swear, I'm just like the rest of you with fears and everything. I just know that have so much love from my awesome family that I can do this.

When freelance writing, you really don't know where your next gig is coming from. Freelance writing is really an art, and you must be at your most artful when writing that cover letter. But eventually, you get pared down to a certain genre: copywriting, blogging, editing...the possibilities are nearly endless. And I would like to write screenplays. So that's the next big thing going on with me.

I know, I'm fascinating, but enough talk about me, what's going on in the world?

An Arizona campus got struck with a shooter, which hit three students. He wasn't one of those manics who try to shoot as many people as they can, but started with an argument which spiraled out of control. Just goes to say, they say, guns don't kill people, people kill people. In the words of Eddie Izzard, "I think the guns help."

More later
From alleged
Grammar Queen
Fiesty Screenwriter

Fat and Nobody Cares

I'm overweight and no one cares. I keep trying to tell my mom and she keeps on ignoring me. Scoring a 26 where 25 and up is overweight, I find my self wondering if it's the medication I'm taking that I know causes weight gain or my lack of exercise. In 2003 and 2004, it (it being a graph or a map or something) showed that 66% of the US population is overweight. I'm just joining the crowd. Does any one have any suggestions of fun things I could do to lose weight?

I want to run, but my lung capacity is so small. I fall into a walk so soon after beginning a run. I'd like to join some sort of club. Well, I'll get to exercise more in the fall, having access to the Maverick Gym.

Good news, I'm taking two classes instead of one: Physics and a Literary Criticism course. The two classes will allow me to get more financial aid and get the loan which is supposed to save my life.

Yeauck, My Life.

So sick and tired. Sick and tired of being on the computer, not interacting with people, just so alone.

Then I think, well, I could get a boyfriend. The best Craigslist has to offer. But I'd be disappointing people right and left. And it's painful to get in a relationship. The less I'm around people the more idealistic about it I become. And I forget the pain. I forget the agony of defeat. That a woman is less beautiful close up. That once you know one woman you know them all.
That sort of thinking.

I'm quiet and I don't understand the social niceties required in social arenas. I spend my days, as today on the computer.

I best be getting a job first. Except for this semester when I do what I shouldn't do and spend my loan money on a scooter and maybe a new floor. If I even have loan money at all. They might not have loan money for people only taking one class. We'll see tomorrow.

The Hair

So I cut my hair and my brother doesn't give a damn. Well that's kind of like him. John doesn't give a damn. Which is cool. I guess I'm trying to be the interesting and nice big sister again. Like I have a choice. He pretty much asserts his lone ranger status. There is no stupid sidekick, because I refuse to be stupid.

But back to the hair. It has the potentiality to look like Maureen on the Brady bunch, and for those out of the loop, that's the maid. But that is just the potentiality. My hair also has the potentiality to look cute. So it looks cute when I put stuff in it and kind of fluff in in different directions and let it curl, and put a part in half way. Lovely. But I really wanted my hair cut short from my first year in college. I kept talking about how I wanted to shave it all off, and how hot it was. Then I saw Briteny Spears and I realized that wasn't so good. But I still wanted it short.

I walked in and the only available hairdresser was a black lady. Can she do my hair? What will it turn out like... all these questions were running through my head. She introduced herself as Tona and we spent hours in that chair. At least three hours. First she chopped off a little, and then she chopped off a little more. She used the razor, as I suggested, just as a method of thinning. Seriously, I thought, this lady doesn't have a clue. She finished one cut and when I asked her about the razor just as a thinning mechanism she started randomly chopping my hair with the scissors!!!! I was pretty freaked out by that point. I am going to have a good haircut or else. So eventually she brought out the electric clippers and cut the hair in the back of my head short and around my ears. Britney Spears, I'm going to look like Britney Spears, I kept thinking.

So somehow we came to a haircut I sort of like. Except when my family is looking at it. For some reason, I put them in a different category of people that they are supposed to automatically like my hair. I expect that they say they like it because they love me. Pictures are coming forthwith.

Goal of the day: Stop picking at my face. (Better than the nose!)

Go with grace
Peace to all
Hair victim

Scooter Mania!

So. I finally talked to mom about what I'm going to do next semester. It seems that TCC is out of the question because it's too far to drive. I've already accepted the 5,500 loan for UTA, subsidized. I will get a scooter. And take a class next semester. Woot woot.

Just the future, where I have to pay student loans every month for two and a half years at 200 a month or for four years and seven months at 100 dollars a month does not appeal to me. However, a new Vespa for which I can ride around and therefore get a better job does. Insurance, gas, tune-ups, and scooter classes. I'm afraid I'm just fixed on the idea of independence, without considering the cost.

So Meara, you were right. I am going to be one of those goofy people who ride a little scooter. I should go live in London or something.

How long will I still desire you?

Sometimes life is frustrating to the nines. Like if you miss just one person because you went through what you felt was emotional boot camp with them. Yeah, that's right, Bryan. Feeling like no-one understands you so perfectly as them.

Well, they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder. What about moving on?

What about not having a close relationship with your family? I don't call passing someone in the hallway and saying "yeah, you have to take me somewhere today," a close relationship. Not to burst anyone's bubble.

But a close relationship which is free of the intent or possibility of harm and can share hopes and dreams in. Sorry for ending with a preposition. But the idea of a potential real relationship is still there.

On the upside (maybe) I'm cutting my hair... really short. I'm scared. But as I hate my hair as it is, any change is good.

Weird thing: Maybe other people do this, but while I'm walking to and from the kitchen, I bump myself against the walls. Sub-conscious self-harm technique? You decide.

More on how weird I am,
Next session of...

Nominal Psychosis
With Megan

Today I finished a scholarship essay. I don't know if it will win, but just "putting it in the mail" gives me a thrill.

Haven't figured out how to get titles for my blogs on "Day by Day," but who needs titles anyway. We have to label everything, like canned goods, for goodness sakes just take the day as it is.

Applied to several jobs and still no reply yet. I'm considering follow-up emails to keep things interesting and to connect with those yet to be bosses. It's like a bad detective movie, when you look for jobs. Following up all these dead-end leads. But I'm sure something will turn up on my job search. Somewhere local and conveniently located. There has to be the "perfect job."

Hee hee. Chuck E. Cheese is hiring entry level managers. I'm thinking of applying. Super nervous about that though.

President Bush lifted a ban on offshore oil drilling today. There won't be any action on it though,because Congress has a ban on the practice, which would have to be lifted first. Not to mention the instant ramifications on the environment which would have to be considered before drilling.

Just goes to show that we'll have to find another source of energy soon, oil not being an renewable resource. We can't create oil in a lab, it being impossible to create the conditions used to create oil. The most feasible option is ethanol, made out of corn.

Besides that I'm alright. I feel like I haven't found my "platform" today. My stable ground from which I do things.

I want to get my hair cut. Short. I've wanted this since my sister got her hair cut short in the third grade. I'm really nervous. Maybe I should wait to make an appointment until another day.

Watched Catacombs tonight. I was scared and it was nice to enjoy getting caught up in a movie. Makes me wonder about all the numb people who are so numb to everything else that they have to go see gore to get an emotion. Hah, I'm not like that. I just clicked on it randomly and got a little jack to my heart beat. The twist at the end wasn't bad either.

Anyway, I'm thinking of starting a Saturday cookie baking streak. Cookies are a great way to show you care, and there always seems to be a dearth of them. Though right now we have those fake fig newtons. So yeah, wish me luck.

I keep skirting around the emails that were sent to me by three people answering my ad from Craigslist.com. Here's my doubts: can I knit really? I mean every project I take out five or six times before continuing to the end. I have trouble reading patterns. And I use Emily...to knit.

What the hell does that last sentence mean? I'll explain later.

The process group is finished. That would have to do with my last stay at a hospital. 5 times to the hospital, 6 suicide attempts, I am much changed from my 2003 self. A boyfriend and a half later. I'm back at the mom's house struggling financially and mentally.

Money is still tight and I quit my job at Kroger: it was a crappy minimum wage job, anyhow. And Mr. Ruckle, the manager barked orders at me like we were in the military. Disturbing.

I sort of failed the Walmart's Are-you-sane-enough-to-work-for-us-quiz. So my only hope is Subway, or the YMCA. I have to work at a place which is close enough to home.

Other than that things are looking up. I have two queries from people who would like lessons in knitting.

I have no relationships with people for some reason. My family I barely have a relationship with. Don't go to church anymore, don't really believe in God, except for sometimes in which I do. Don't ask me to explain that.

What to expect from this blog---well, it'll mostly be what I wish I could discuss with my family or friends, but can't.

Other than that, I've been watching a lot of cartoon network: Chowder. I want his hat.