My feet hurt and other stories

My feet hurt.My ankles, too.

I can't sleep, so I'm drinking herbal tea and distracting myself.  The tea tastes like grass.  I'm not very distracted.

I have been so darn selfish today.  I feel horrible.  Like I smoked a thousand cigarettes.

Listening to country music for a change, Stoney LaRue

I've been changing too much and only for myself.   So frustrating.

Changing yourself for someone else.  So not changing for yourself at all.

My mom came out to look at me weird.  

Life

Life continues.

Sleep, don't sleep.

Life has been winding down.

I can't sleep, or I wouldn't still be up.

I've been increasingly getting the feeling that I have insomnia. However, the sporadic times when I can't sleep at night happen usually when I've slept all day, so it's hard to keep track of when i really don't need sleep and when I need sleep, but can't sleep.

I suppose I could keep a log, but I've tried and it's hard to pinpoint exactly when you went to sleep unless you are a clock watcher.

So life, you know.

I have started something I hope I won't regret.  I've collected a lot of email subscriptions over the years and recently archived everything in my mailbox in a long and arduous process, which involved me clicking over 180,000 times.  So I have a clean slate, so to speak, and a lot of email to process, most of which should be junk mail and is filtered into the unimportant section of my inbox, but is really helpful when connecting with my personality.  The nuances shared in the latter part of my inbox, the scrub of the internet, help me reclaim myself, my inner judgement.

So diligently, I comb through the box and find myself over Old Navy and Bitcoin.

Sometimes you just have to reward yourself to make sure that you remember what a reward is.  When you are feeling that low, you have to give yourself something to remind yourself that good things can happen.  And this morning that is what I did.  I gave myself a new winter coat, only $35 at Old Navy. I really love that store.  I knew I would find what I wanted there.

Cryptocurrency posts still tend to confuse me in their newness and originality.  I read them, Minecraft style, readying to shape my furniture, blockily and according to myself.  I shall make thee mine, say I verily, yet still, avoiding complete understanding of the topic.  

Everything is complicated.  I made a crazy craigslist post over the weekend that I regret.   Suffice it to say, I didn't answer any of the numerous responses. Thank the Lord in heaven above me and in me that things didn't go any farther than that.  Sometimes the brain can only think of one solution to a problem and that is the true problem in and of itself.

Life in the day

Binge watched Seth McFarland's funnies on YouTube after I woke up after sleeping for pretty much 24 hours with a 6 hour break in the middle.  Roughly nostalgic with a touch of finality.  A sense of impending ending.

 Missed an interview, but it wasn't even near me, so it's not so surprising.  I was thinking of trying to get a Skype interview, but that didn't even make it to the launch pad.  I really wanted the job, too, but it turned out to be only part time and I won't take none of that, son.  

Feeling so lonely lately.  I mean my mom's here, but she's not a friend or anything.  I keep thinking about work and mentally waking up in a panic, thinking how wrecked I'm going to be going since I'm way past the expiration date, but really there's nothing else to do BUT show up.  I have to have the monies for my student loan.  So.  You see.  $300 and still paying back my mom about $1,300, maybe more. It makes for bad blood, owing relatives, so I just bought a cute turtle introvert pin on TeeTurtle for $8.00, which shows how bad I'm worried about paying my mom back.  I need to write a budget.  But I keep holding out for getting a full time job and starting the whole thing with a budget, fully fitted out with tithing, wants and paying back loans.  Yet I don't have very much faith in the process.  I've slain Subway so much in my heart I can barely look at it without tears in my eyes.  Yet look I do.  

Before feeling lonely, and binge-watching McFarland, I found myself mesmerized by IT.  Yes, I used to be scared of scary movies because I thought TV and movies were real.  Now I'm amused and cheered by the thrill of the scare.  Well, that was me in my twenties.  Now I'm kind of just bored with everything.  Slightly disturbed by the macabre.  A cranky old lady who lives alone.  

Thanks for listening bloggerverse, 

I've already typed too much, 

Megan Out.  

I've Been Thinking

About....writing.  Poetry.  I haven't poeted (every good word starts with poo) since my Senior Level Creative Writing - Poetry class in Fall 2015.

But I've been feeling romantic lately. Wanting to play guitar and write poetry.  It's awful.  I keep trying to screw myself back into position as a happy, productive business major but no.  The fates have summoned me, calling names like "sad," "melancholy," and "creative."  I'm getting used to this life, this constant sadness.  Truthfully, I'm only happy when I'm molding character. 

So poeting.  I might start to poet here.  I think best poetry is written to the self and all I've been doing lately is talking to myself, so it's a start.  :D  I have this book from my poetry class, The Practice of Poetry, edited by Robin Behn and Chase Twitchell that I have from that master class, which is nothing but poetry exercises.  I could take an exercise a day.  That would be something to loosen my typing finger joints and creaky, molding mind. 

I keep dragging my mom out after hours like so much heavy luggage dragged behind a flyer at the airport.  And Proverbs man, totally radical.  It says honoring your parents will bring honor and neck adornments.  My honoring my dad leads me to the heavy chains of love for him, dragging behind me like so much Marley's chains hanging on him as he regaled Scrooge about hell, as he came bursting back from the dead.  

I'm feeling miserable about dragging my mom out.  She's an old lady and needs her rest time, and I'm a young person and need to be out and about.  So we have a tension that way.  Tug of War.

My coffee at this lovely neighborhood Starbucks, is going fast, not only because it is delicious, but also because these grande cups are hella small.  I so want to sign up for their reward program.  Don't get me started on a rant, cause I'll go on for a bit and I'll change the world, one coffee cup at a time.  

Here we come to a resolution.  That is the resolution, but my brain has to think of a immediate resolution to the resolution.  So I'm lazy and resentful, forgetful and completely out of my mind so that the intended habit doesn't continue to fruition.  I think part of the problem is that I'm working on so many things at a time, but recently that hasn't been a problem. 

 It's either Subway or what-the-hell-am-I-doing(going-to-do)-with-my-life, which is a pretty stupid question that I used to ask myself a lot when I was a kid and none, not one of those dreams I dreamed have I ever ever realized.  I haven't become anything, so I personally think it's a huge waste of time.

I need a down-time semi-productive time waster, which usually boils down to Youtube or Facebook or Blogger.    

My mom is texting me now. "I'm old and tired and it's hard to read in the dark."  I feel really bad for her sitting in the dark, reading in the car.  She didn't want to come visit me.  I should be living on my own.  She doesn't need me.  

At home now...

There's that and the fact that I need at least $300 to pay my student loans.  I think I barely make that at Subway.  I keep making the case that I need a full-time job, but does a full-time job need me?  What space could I fill, lacking in character, education and experience?  I'm pretty depressed about trying to find a full-time job for whatever the reason.  

And I keep failing "life tests."  You know those things that you come across in life that build character?  Yeah, those.  They say that there's no failing, one path leads to another...but really?  Do I want to be successful?  I say yes, but only because I have to be successful to pay off my student loans.  

But I can't think about how much I need a job and work on a job search at the same time for whatever reason.  My urgency doesn't translate.   I keep trying to put the two together and my case doesn't hold solid for whatever reason.  It's like I mature my urgency and at the last minute thieves come and lift it right off the top of my head, like I'm in some sort of processing plant. 

I feel myself grow sarcastic.  It's not like I needed that or anything.  I only cultivated it, fought for it, sorrowed over it, pruned it and fertilized it.  Not a biggie.  I don't need it to help me find the right job, the job that will save me from whatever happens when you don't pay your student loans.  I don't need it to find the right job, the job that will save my mom and I from ourselves. 

Moving on, life comes fast and always changes direction.  

I'm getting a cramp in my shoulder, night's coming on fast.  I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow. Sayonara.   

I think I'm a periodic insomniac.

You know those people who have medical problems but never go to the doctor?  That's me.  In my family if you had a problem, you toughed it out and didn't go to the doctor, unless you had swallowed a penny or a tiny battery.  I used to get terrible stomach aches and I'd be soothing my stomach while sitting over the toilet and I didn't even think to tell my parents.

Also, recently I was initiated into the world of yeast infections.  I never realized that I had yeast infections until I talked to my doctor about it and she they are fairly common.  I just took everything in a stride and thought that I was normal, when in reality I had been having yeast infections pretty much from when I was a kid.

So when I have trouble sleeping, I know it's because I slept to much the day before and don't really consider it a medical problem, the insomniac and the hypersomnia parts.  I'm too much of a bum to find out what's wrong at the doctor and I am on three psychiatric medications, so it might be side effects.  I've been using home remedies for helping me get to sleep.

I feel like if I claim at the doctor that I have a problem, I'll be saddled with a label and a disease, but if I just ignore the problem, maybe it will go away.  I think a lot of Americans are like this.  That's why we think we don't need health insurance.  If I don't think I need help, maybe I really don't need help when I need it.  Kind of silly, but we like to take a gamble.

So I can't sleep some nights, and those nights, I take some 1 Thessalonians 5:6 and attempt to take the position of a watchman for the sword falling upon the land.  Things are mostly peaceful here in Arlington, but you never know.

Ephesians 6:12

12 For our wrestling is not against ^1ablood and flesh but against ²the ^brulers, against the authorities, against the ^cworld-rulers of ³this ^ddarkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the ^4eheavenlies.

I put a lot of emphasis on waking up early, and the best way to be awake early in the morning is never to go to sleep.  My friend quotes me, saying, "Sleep is great if you can catch it,"  and that's pretty much how I feel about sleep.

Today

Today has been hot in September, but there are clouds promising more cool fronts on the way on the horizon.

Went to the lake for a meetup that I had spontaneously joined last night.  Sunset canoeing, but it turned out they cancelled and I didn't get the message.  There were a lot of people at the lake though.
Skyped with Xander and Sayward and Mom.  Was nice, I guess.  Gets on my butt about having kids of my own.  He was blowing bubbles and loving it, super extroverted, so great!

Mom and I got coffee driving down to the lake.  Coffee's not so special anymore.  Sort of ordinary and part of my past.  I wish we could go to smoothie king, but changing things on mom is hard for her to grasp.

Trying to catch up for lost morning time with writing and reading.  I have a writing goal sheet that I have printed and I am hoping to stay faithful to it, even if it's just for a month.

Trying and failing at control.  Learning to accept a greater lack of it or a difference of control.

 You guys don't know what comments mean to me.  If I spoke to you even a little, speak out!  Shout!  I'd love to hear what you think.  I really don't know who gets this so unless you are embarrassed of me, which I think a lot of you are, comment.

Today: Everything is fine.

Nothing happened today.  I went to work and it was fine.

I came home and everything is fine.

I didn't take a shower when I got home.  I get kind a weird before my days off and don't shower after work.  I need to stop avoiding showering but sometimes I like going Hobo.  I did change clothes.

The birds are fine.  I worry the female is a little weak.  And Bojo has way too much bird sex.

Mom has a headache on that side of the head that I always get a headache on.  The left.  Weird.

Talking to Vinter and Ryan on Facebook.  Nice people.

Bored as a tomato.

Trying to motivate myself to do something worthwhile.  No energy to do it.

In which I am Curious about The Gas Shortage, Furious at the Devil, and Loving my Veggies

Facebook today is all everyone's running out of gas.  But I haven't seen businesses closed because of the shortage.  Everything seems too be good.  Who knew that the hurricane would affect our lives in a secondary sort of way?  I still walk to work, so good there, but when will things get back to normal?  When will we be free of the shortage of gas?

Something really upsetting came out of my Facebook feed.  A boy who had been constantly abused and after he died was fed to pigs.  I really really really hated reading about this.  It reminded me of this kid I was taking care of while I was an infant teacher.  He had some bruises, so I brought it up to the director.  We asked the mother what was going on and she said they were burns.  They were most certainly not burns.  So I went and filed a report online with Child Protective Services.   They called and talked to me and said they were probably just a birthmark.  I don't know what happened to that kid, but he better not end up like this other kid.  It makes me want to call the CPS again to reemphasize what went on.  I was not very "with it" at that point in my life but I feel angry that the CPS people were trying to play it off.  What was the benefit of pretending these things didn't happen?   The kid could get seriously injured.  Seeing that article on that kid reopened that wound for me.  I still remember his name.  And he had a little sister.  They said that they had had some reports about that family before, so this wasn't new.  I was reading that there was a lot of reform for social services in the newspaper, but apparently, this isn't uniform, everywhere.

Moving on to a more happy topic, Whole Foods is about to become my favorite store ever.  Amazon lowering prices sounds like the best birthday present ever for this vegetarian.  I just wish there were more of them.  Or more Sprouts in strategic places.  We've been going to Kroger for produce, but the produce section is so small.  I feel guilty getting so much good food from the produce section and looking at the cheap prices.

My boring day.

Today I woke up and it was already time for my therapist appointment.  I had slept in when I meant to be getting up and doing things, but in my defense, I had stayed up to 2 the night before and was exhausted.

I went to my therapy appointment, and my therapist and I went over a book with me about depression.  I think she is trying to teach me what depression is.   I think our appointments are ok, but I wish there was more back and forth. I feel like she is talking most of the time and I never seem to be able to talk about what I want and need to talk about.  Other than that, I appreciate our visits.

After I came home, I applied for a couple of warehouses online and called to follow up on my applications to other warehouses.  No response, so far.

Then I crawled into bed and fell asleep.  I slept and before I woke up I had a strange dream, where I was trying to find the most high God over all because I felt I was losing all my powers and having trouble, and there were candles lighting the kitchen and dining room, and I was floating every couple of steps and trying to show my mom how to float.

Facebook is all heat, lack of gas and football season starting.  I can't wait for the weather to change to chilliness and for the sweaters to come out.  As for the lack of gas, I'm somewhat concerned that we may run out and everything will come to halt, but I walk to work, so not too worried.  As for football, I'm actually thinking about watching, but I'm not a huge fan or anything.

Life

What's the news?   

Facebook is still awesome.  It keeps us connected with family and friends. 

The word is out, Aunt Judy is also awesome.  

I'm a little worried about my friend's kid, called Peanut, because he had a broken arm and then shattered his femur and had to be transferred to Oklahoma for surgery.  It turns out his bones may be soft for some reason.  Poor little dude.  

Also everyone's talking about the weather, Hurricane Harvey.  Well, as far as I've heard, every has been safe except for a couple of dogs that were chained, and even most of those were rescued.  We only have some rain...very light rain.  

I just got a check and it looks like my student loan payments aren't going to be too high so I'll have a little spending money and money to pay my mom back.  

We skipped my therapist's appointment today, because my mom lost track of time.  I kind of am happy about it, but kinda not happy about it.  

Mom isn't able to get everything she needs to get done at lunch. 

God is still confusing, but we must pursue and seek Him.  Fight for him.  That's why I wish we were reading about David in the Bible.  He was a fighter.  

Applying for Warehouse jobs.  I feel this is where my strengths lie.  

I can play two songs on the guitar and am working on playing them from memory.  One is Will Not Take My Love Away, by Matt Wertz and the other is Let Her Go, by Passenger.  Contrasting songs, for sure.  

Have discovered Riffstation.  Only the most awesome site for learning songs with the chords.  

I need a capo.  

Analyzing Exercise, Realizing what I Really Need To Do, and Dropping things Which are Not Helpful

Feeling really motivated to do summery stuff now that summer is actually over. Like play guitar or eat vegetables.  It's like these past seven months have been my entire January and February.

I keep getting really conflicted about what I should do and what I should give up on.  I keep trying to analyze my life from different perspectives hoping I'll find some sort of brilliance to it, but the life in my life, still "exists between."  Unknowable and incomprehensible.

I keep looking for that "Ah-ha!" moment when everything is perfect, but I keep missing it by a mile.

I've been really worried about my mom as of late.  She seems really disorganized and rash.  Chopping our front bushes down to nubs, and pulling weeds as she holds the mail she just got out of the mailbox.  Watching a lot of TV, mostly crime shows.  I do feel I can't do anything for her without becoming entangled in her, as well, and I wish she would reach out to others, as I have been doing, which brings me back to my conflict.

I want to go to the gym and make exercising my hobby, because of this one video I saw which inspired me.  However, 1.  I don't want to exercise in my free time.  I am super lazy and unmotivated, plus my mom will not want to drive me, I know and we may get in fights about it.   2.  I need to get a full-time job and spend my energies on that.  So it's like priorities.  What is more important?  Going to the gym or getting a job...could going to the gym end up in me getting a job?  Maybe...I feel like the spiritual forces around me 1. Don't think I should get a job.  2.  Don't think I should exercise.  3.  Don't think I should knit.  4.  Don't think I should read.  5.  Don't think I should have cool apps.  6. Don't think I should play guitar.  7.  Don't think I should go to church meetings.  8.  Don't think I should go to Meetups.  9.  Don't think I should have a life outside of Subway.  10.  Don't think I should drink coffee.  And all this is all I have wanted to do lately.  So I'm not just fighting physical problems such as timing and positivity, but spiritual problems, and social-spiritual problems.

I feel like I see what I need.  1.  Health/Exercise.  2.  A full time job which can finance my paying off my student loans.  3.  Social interactions in which I can "catch up" from all the poor family and church interactions I had as a child.

Obstacles to Health/Exercise
Timing.  Primary motivation.  False beliefs.  Not making the time.  Heat.  Driving.  Embarrassment.  Feeling like I'm being selfish.  confusion, having no knowledge about different types of work out.

I hate making a big deal about the things I need, something in the Bible about Christians not needing anything to outsiders and because if I do, I'll be punished in some way, but I need to make a big deal about this so I can fight against everything that's keeping me from doing exercising and make a stand for my health and the health of others, really.

Timing.  I have to work around work.  I should exercise once a day.  an hour each day.  Weights and cardio.  As of late, I've been put on evening shift so probably in the morning I could work out.  Another timing issue is that I feel like I have to be different every day to keep myself interested in myself.  Hmmmmmm....really.  I got really bored with doing the dishes everyday.  So maybe if I just varied the workout. I was also really frustrated with the dishes because our drain is broken and I had to bring water in buckets to the kitchen sink to wash dishes.  Still this is a factor, just vary things

I have to clean the kitchen floor, so I often distract myself with cleaning instead of working out, putting cleaning first.

So I've carefully avoided time/importance issues, where and what?  I could walk 30 minutes to the gym to work out, they have machines, or I could work out at home.  First I'd do stretches to limber up muscles.  Then 30 minutes of pushups, situps, plank, leg lifts, squats and whatever other physical exercise that I can do at home.  My mom has some weights, so I could do something with that.  Then 30 minutes run/walking at the park or around the neighborhood.  I don't want to use the gym because it's 30 minutes there and back plus the workout itself.

Am I being selfish?  No.  Health is important for everyone.  Everyone needs to exercise.  I feel like when I exercise I grab energy needed for other projects and use them for exercise.  But this problem should go away after a few weeks of regular exercise.

I just thought of something.  I should be exercising now, instead of analyzing this to death.  Several things came up.  I don't want to exercise, first.  I should start tomorrow, second.  I should wait until it's less hot, third.  I think it's fair to want to start tomorrow.  In the morning, at 9 am.  Shouldn't be hot.

 This autumn will be an autumn of exercise.  This is the change I'm requesting.

I come back with an O RLY?  Because what is more important? Getting a job, working on social skills, or exercising?  Obviously working on social skills will lead you to a job and a job itself is way more important that exercising.

So should I take that time I would be using to exercise and instead look for a job?

Should I include social skill obtaining as part of getting a job?  Should I go to various meetups in the evenings?  I can't afford the Uber anymore.

Exercise would just be a hobby, while getting a new job is a lifestyle change.  I need the distractions I can recover from.

I should stop knitting, crosstitching, playing guitar, fun apps, reading, exercising, watching TV with my mom and going out at night and use them only for rewards for completing milestones toward getting a new job.

Thanks for listening to me analyze and cross analyze.  I've been trying to get my priorities straight and it's very difficult to be clear about what's the most important thing right now.

TBH, I've kind of at this moment given up on God.  I gave up on going to church among other things and felt a huge weight lifted off me.  I felt a huge amount of relief.  So I think it's a good thing.

I'm not interested in getting into a relationship right now.  That, also, is put on the back burner.

So the only thing left is finding a full time job.  I'm going at it right now.

Job Stuffs

So not everything is too brutally honest.  I'm referring to my previous post which I reverted to draft because of shocking content. Here's the ordinary stuff.  

I'm trying to write a cover letter for a job position with UTA Police Communications.  I realize how depressed I am, when all I can write is how depressed I am and how bad I would be for the job.  That's just what came out.  My home is not a safe space anymore.  I have to go forage in the wilds of Arlington.

I can't seem to recall my passion, my love for the company or an accomplishment or something funny.

I have an appointment with Dr. Tijanera tomorrow so hopefully we can go over some of that.  I don't know.  She's a career counselor as well as an ordinary counselor.

Ok, some of this is brutally honest.  Sorry.  Just what the readers want what they want.

Well, I haven't posted here in a while

it's because I'm going through all this internal strife, much of what doesn't make very much sense and I can't tell anyone, so I've been posting in my secret blog which no one can read.

Things are going well.

I slept all day until 7:30, and Jason was upset because he didn't know what happened to me.  I was upset because I slept way too long but my mom seemed happy and productive.

Made plans for Jason to meet my brother and sister-in-law.  I'm really rather nervous, since I value all of their opinions on each other.

Really just wanting tonight to knit my heart out.

Really delving into the meaning of prayer. If you look at the etymology of the word prayer in the English language, you find it means to desperately ask.  Then why when God prays, does he make command statements?  Give us this day our daily bread.  Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sinned against us.

I really also want to get into job searching tonight because I'm not going to be able to sleep.

Looked up the word prayer in Greek, i.e. in the new testament, and it means to exchange wishes. We tell the Lord Jesus our wishes and God tells us His.  How sweet and intimate!  We share the desires of our heart and he shares the desires of His.  Thank you Lord Jesus.

In which I go in squeamish and come out polished.

I keep looking at my life from a different perspective.  This perspective is freaking out because either my mind or life is so disorganized it wants to control everything.  But I know everything is perfectly fine right now.  I'm right where I need to be.

I keep running into the problem of what to do with my free time.  I've been reading through my old textbooks that I got before I dropped out of school, because the debt I'm paying to my mom is the debt that was incurred that semester.   I feel like I'm getting closure somehow.

I've still got that "5 years to a diabetes cure" that I've promised and have been slacking on.  I feel like there are no real leads and that I'm extremely ineffective as an individual on the whole thing.

Job searching, of course, but I'm really discouraged, today, about it.  Especially, I feel like Subway's not done with me and I have no confidence, at least not today.  I feel like if I pray about it, God will turn me into mush.  This has happened before so I know it's true. I pray for something and only when I "leave" God, does anything happen.  Maybe it's just an experience of not keeping the Manna til the next day.

I keep going to Habitica, a really neat goal keeping app, for what I should do next and I keep thinking that it's a wrong thing to do.  I shouldn't trust a impersonal app to tell me what I should do next?  Maybe I should be depending on God?  I feel like the voices are trying to tell me something, but I don't know what.

What should I do with my free time?  I facebook and watch TV with my mom and watch YouTube videos.  I feel like I have a lack of control in my life, which is very nerve wracking.  Before this year I felt like I had a lot of control but with my dad coming back in the states and wanting to be the head of the family again, and getting a job with a boss and coworkers and customers to trust, and the boyfriend, I lost that control that I had.  It's very frustrating and confusing.  People feel more comfortable with me though, which is the one positive.

I feel afflicted with an overwhelming sense of boredom.  Maybe I'm comparing myself to Jason, who seems to take boredom head on. I used to, but have lost the will to fight it with all my might.  I feel like my previous will to get rest from my insanity has stretched farther into my future than my insanity itself, leaving me long-term wanting rest while short-term wanting excitement.  I have to fight against myself in a "past life."

I'm frustrated with all the health care information that HealthSpring keeps sending me.  Do I need a pap smear, a colostomy, breast exam?  Am I depressed?  I want to take it seriously, but I'm afraid of asking the doctors about the tests.  I'm embarrassed that I'm taking this seriously.  I want to write down all my questions but am only scheduled for a blood test next time, so I don't know if I'll even see the doctor.  If they really want us to have this shouldn't they be contacting the doctors and writing regulations so that we all get the healthcare that we all need?  Why do some people get more tests than others?

Why do I have so many unanswered questions lately?  I feel like I'm really stupid asking the stupid questions in the front and they have stupid answers so I ignore the answers, and I feel them going long term, and I feel like an idiot for having long term minor questions.  For example, the super important question, "What day is it?"  Just figure it out.  Don't memorize it long term.  But in my head, I feel like the answer is super important because me asking that stupid question and making it important makes me, well, me.  In kindergarten I did the same thing.  Doesn't make it any less stupid now.

And I've been ignoring the really important questions because I feel like I can only use them once and then they'll be absorbed into the amorphous spirit blob which is my dad, never to be seen again, unless he plans something for me, but he's probably paying attention to someone/something else so probably not.

I feel like I've been really "spacey" lately...?  or perhaps just not grounded?  And that is frustrating for a practical person for me.

I need to get a haircut and I keep forgetting to go.  I want to go tomorrow at 11 before work, but I may forget.  I have a dentist appointment next Monday that I need to ask off for if I don't forget.  

One thing has remained the same...the inability to wake up in the morning and even to wake up and not get back into bed, and the shame which goes along with that. I keep telling Jason about how I wake up late and I'm starting to get worried that I won't be able to get up to go to work, that I'll just sleep off my alarm.  It's embarrassing, inconvenient and unproductive.  At least some things never change.  I know two reasons I get up and go back to bed, (1.  Weird feeling.  I just feel like on my skin everything is weird and so I go to bed until that weird (often fearful) feeling is gone.  (2.  Nothing to do.  Which is absolutely not true.  I have a ton of things to do.  But I get up and I'm not going anywhere and my brain says go back to bed, so I half asleep go back to bed.

I kind a wish I had a circadian rhythm.

Really life's ok, I probably shouldn't complain.

i feel like invested a lot of me into this generation to get me out of a slump and I'm out, but that stuff I invested is "sooooo last season."  It hurts when your soul is sold, especially to people who couldn't care less.

I keep trying to do and be people I was last year and it's definitely not working.  I've changed so much since then.  I have to be old.  I don't like it.  I can't listen in on the energies I used to be able to listen to for hours.  my arms are different.  I'm not with the same people.  I can't use my spirit in the same way.  God is different. I smell different.  I smell weird, and my hair smells like old person.  My dad keeps changing things back to the way things were, and I feel like protesting, "I died so those things would die."  It's like a giant retarded cat.

Life is like a giant retarded cat.

I don't want to rely on dark energy, even though I know this pervades our planet, but light energy is so exhausting to use.  I wish I knew more about these different types of energy and how we get them.  There's them in the physical sense, but I think energy crosses the line of spiritual and physical.

Also acne is coming back after being gone for years.  My face is greasy, but my hair is dry.  I hate it.  Also, I have a hairy chin. I hate it.  I once paid $1000 dollars to get it lasered off, but to no avail.  It just grew back.  They emphasized that it only worked on dark hair.  My hair was dark.  I wondered if I should have sued for false advertising, but I never did.

I probably shouldn't have written all this, but I need to talk to someone.  My mom's pretty good for it sometimes, and Jason's ok, but nothing beats stream-of-consciousness complaining.  I really enjoyed spending time with Marie, too, last night.  We talked about various things.   I worry about her though, she gives everything when she works for the Lord, leaving nothing back as a reserve.

I keep getting the urge to organize and I have to resist it.  There IS NOTHING to OgGaNizE!   Everything is fine!  It will all get done!  Calm down!  Remain Calm!!!!!  It's like an background obsessive-compulsive need to organize, without intent or purpose.




So action plan:

Keep up with appointments, Doctor, Optometrist, Dentist, Psychiatrist, and Hair.  Get off morning lithium with faith.

Keep working at Subway and paying off debt to Mom, while working through textbooks to get closure from that semester.

Keep loving Jason and spending time with him.  At the three month mark, go to a meeting together and change single status on Facebook.  

Look for full time job in my spare time, which switches over having two part time jobs in the fall if nothing is found.  Keep networking and making friends, because that's how you get a job.

 

So bored. Sooooo bored.

I was going to hold off writing this post, but the feeling kept coming back.  Bored.  Not motivated.  Don't have any goals.  Depressed, I guess.

I keep finding myself sitting there with nothing to do.  I'm gonna clean and call some work places, and exercise later, but until my mom goes to work, I've got this free time.  AND Nothing to dooooo with it.

I can watch YouTube vids, but I feel like I've been taking advantage of that easy exit too much lately.  I feel like I need a project, like sewing my purple quilt that I've been putting off until my mom feels like helping me.  Something to do during the downtime. If you are reading this and you are my mom, please help me.

So there's that.  I feel like I have a big problem with the "NOW"ness of having something to do.  Welp, my mom's off to work, I guess that's my cue to exercise.  I can think of things to do outside of my sphere of existence in the now, like things to do later in the day, or dependent on others.   But no "NOW" things.  Except for this exercise.  Which I will do now.

A long and poetic rant about things that are bothering me.

so depressed.  I've been trying everything, and nothing works.  Reading old college textbooks, crafting, texting, facebook, talking to my mom, looking at the schedule that isn't helping.  Everything is fractured by this dent in my head.  

I don't really know what it is, and I'm afraid to mess with it. It could be positive?  It could be something else altogether.  All I know is it's making me too small to do anything, anything at all.  So I sit and drink my coffee and type on my computer, attempting to make sense of the universe, a dent in my head.  Is it sentient?  If so who sent it?  Should I just accept the law of the greatest insult that could be given a Megan, the law that says you can't do anything?  

I have been dealing with a lot of fear lately.  I've been hiding behind closed walls from this fear, but it is outside and ravenous.  I am afraid of fear.  I feel safe, for now, but I know once these walls are down, the fear will pour in like the ocean wall of water breaking a dike.  Who will I be?  What will I resort to, to keep a shred of identity after fear eats away at the fragile ego I have created within?  

My back aches.  I have been bent, crooked.  Maimed, almost.   Deformed, definitely.  

I refuse to perform self-care.  Exercise, showering and cleaning all go down before my own demand for love, un-given.  I seem to create a vacuum shaped "Megan's Love."  Love for myself, which I must fill before feeling whole.  

And yet, I don't follow the love, I follow myself: into the dark alleyway of words.  

I still have no motivation or ability to succeed even at simple tasks.  The greatness desires my death. How long can I live off shreds of ability of the others around me.  I have nothing better to do than complain. To complain is easy, to tickle the keys, jiggle the fingers.  They almost think for me, the clever, torrent of mind on hands.  

My tormentor claims to be a friend, but I believe him not.  He is brown like a berry in the sun.  I let him go, and he persists, I follow him and he desists.  This is no ordinary game of cat and mouse.  

The tasks are simple:  Do the dishes, take a shower.  In my flesh, I rebel. 

Then I am freed to do whatever I want.  I rebel a second time.  I wish to do nothing, after the agony which was inflicted upon me.  The wounding parties may have realized their wrong, but the outward fear and inner injustice remain.  

Hate pours out of my pores.  I continue to complain, albeit that I am slightly comfortable now.  I must be a perfect sacrifice for the nightly feeding.  This is just my home habit.  

I look up at my inspiration board.  "To fight BOREDOM.  Gaming to Save you from BRAIN STARVATION."  I only play games I can win.  Is that a game at all?  

Hyped on stimulants, neck bared, the muscles protruding, and bending, the veins pumping blue blood, thyroid and lymph nodes, bulging around segments of bone.  The gristle of voice box and esophagus hiding shrouded, still, in spirit.  Perhaps these are the final walls.  

I need to submit to my sensible lists of things to do. They were written in sense and love for me and others.  My children rebel, do something that get's grandpa's attention, he left them at the post office again, they leaning like green fronds in a dark spot, towards the light.  Like letters to Santa, they scrape the edges of a special bin, the letters to imaginary hopes and dreams, which would come true, but the cost of such dreams is a loneliness, a stretched love, a stretched imagination.  

Lovely dears.   I can't wait to meet them.  

My tormenter again decides that I've made a wrong choice, a choice I've been hiding because I am ashamed, confused, and blindly striking out.  Short sighted, my choices are his glasses of sharp vision and sudden death, or a look at my own nose as the only thing I can see in this matter.

Work, Money, Health, Relationships, and Basics

I'm so bored with life.

I know this person and they keep trying to control evil.  And I'm all...you don't control evil, that just makes it two times worse.  You know?  Anyway, their stupidness is annoying me.

I'm really bored.  There's nothing left for me to do in life, but work and pay bills til I die.

REALLY bored.  Like I'm so bored, my great grandchildren can feel it.

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Trying to get off the pills.  Lithium, which will be extra hard to get off of because I'll be at work and I need to tell my boss when I get off them, because a lot of my attitude could change in the morning.

I have a wellness home visit this month.  I don't really know what the point of that is, but I guess it's nice.

I have an appointment with my doctor's office in June and I'm really disillusioned by them because they keep being super unprofessional.  I ask them if I had a flu shot and they don't really know.  I don't feel comfortable enough to ask for tests or preventative shots, like for pneumonia and flu shots.  Aren't they supposed to make a record of this sort of thing?  I really care about staying healthy and they are anything but friendly.

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I paid my first student loan payment for 101.15 dollars.  It was not fun.  I want to pay my mom back before I start on my student loans, so this was a downer for me because, it's less money to her and more money to just probably interest.  I want to break the loans down separately because then I can pay back the un-subsidized loans first.  It doesn't really make that much of a difference unless I go back to school, but you never know.  Pay that loan off!  

The bundle I want to pay off after paying my mom the money I owe her (lanyard, but you have to start somewhere)  is the semester I took Communication and Society ( I didn't get this class, all I learned about was when radio started there was a lot of legislation concerning it), Public Address, where we learned the art of persuasion and how to write ad mail, and Creative Writing, in which everything and nothing happened.  (Actually, that's where I got lanyard...)  So newfound compassion for my mom and an appreciation for poetry.  That's what I'll be covering, I suppose.  But it will take a couple more months to pay off my mom.  I still owe her about $1,600.  

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I'm going to hold off on the job search for now.  Until the end of May.  I may venture tentatively into freelancing or call Thrive, and complete this job interview for this company, but these are all just tweaks, in my opinion.  I really feel that I'm terrible at my job.  I'll probably get fired.  But nothing ventured, nothing gained, and I can have a clear conscience that I worked toward paying back my mom. 

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I am trying to go back to the basics with some things.  Going to bed at the same time every night.  (12 am)  Getting up at the same time (8 am)  Not eating a whole lot at night, Exercising...even in the afternoon.   (Ninja's not here to get me going on walks, anymore), and keeping my mind clear.

I want to do a lot more social things, but every time I want to do something with others, I fail. I guess it's because I hit my mom and got a citation and had to go to anger management.  That sort of stuff follows you, however so slight.  I felt really bad about it, I have a lot of remorse, but I can't change the fact that it happened.  It just comes out and kills everyone.  IDK.

I've never been really great with people.  I facebook a lot, so I see a lot of baby and wedding pictures, but rarely make a real connection.  I don't want a whole bunch of friends, and my phone is broken so I've been barely connecting with my mom's cell phone.  So frustrating, but it's a free service, what can you do?

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I've decided to become like all the older unmarried sisters before me and give up on trying to force a relationship out of this dry ground.  So the plan is to do everything, BUT get married and have kids.  I think it's working so far.

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Nothing else going on except work, money, health, and the time/sleep management basics.  I miss my dog.  But I am making do.

My dog

I'm so sad about my dog.  It's weird.  I'm not even sure what exactly I'm sad about, but she was gone for two days to stay at the vets and visit with my brother and now she's back, but we can't go on any walks until she's recovered. 

And it may just be me, but I think some changes went on with her and me while she was gone and now things are all weird. 

I have to remember that she's a dog and I'm a human.  We are different.  And she feels better when she is treated like a dog.